Episode One, Part One: Mew has an Idea

"So Twosie."

"Yes? What is it now, Mew?"

"I was thinking…"

"Always dangerous. Continue."

"Well…since I'm currently banished from the Hall of Origin until I become 'wiser', I thought of a way I could be more responsi…respons…um…"

"Responsible?"

"Yeah! That's the word! Responsible!"

"…and I assume you are going to tell it to me, whether I like it or not."

"Yep!"

"…."

"So…"

"Fine. Tell me."

"Great! You're the best, Twosie!"

"Mew…I hate that nickname."

"Anyway, I was thinking, what if I did something that helped everyone! That everyone could enjoy? So I was watching T.V. one day…"

"And how did you get a T.V.?"

"I took it from someone's basement! Well, it was his mother's basement. He really needed to get out more, so I was doing him a favor. Anyway, I was watching this show and I thought, that looks like fun! I want to try!"

"…you want to start…a T.V. show?"

"About Pokémon!"

"Mew…"

"Plus, I'm bored. And if Keldeo can review fanfictions, I can make my own T.V. show!"

"Mew…"

"Besides! I'll just be running it! I don't have to appear on camera! That way, Team Rocket, Aqua, Magma, Flare, Destiny, Rawk, or whatever the latest group of baddies calls themselves won't know where I am!"

"Mew, who would be watching this show?"

Mew blinked. "Um…well, Pokémon who have T.V.s and we could probably find a way to get it into the Poke-ball system. Also, I was thinking we could get a deal with the Smash Committee to broadcast through the universe…"

Mewtwo frowned. "You mean Master and Crazy Hand? Mew…that is a terrible idea and it will never work."

"Oh Twosie, Twosie, Twosie…you never want to say that around me."

Three months later…

Mew sat in a plush chair and grinned. He had a good view of the stage from here. Beside him, Mewtwo sat with a glum look on his face. Mew flicked his 'younger brother's' ear with the tip of his tail. "Told you this would work!" he said triumphantly. Mewtwo rolled his eyes and leaned back, preparing himself for whatever inane display the pink kitten had conjured up from that quagmire he called a brain.

Down below, a plusle and minum were busy ushering everyone to their tables and seating them while taking orders for dinner, which would be served later during intermission. The show would be edited before it was sent out, of course, so the viewers would not be forced to watch about thirty minutes of dinnertime. But currently, stage was dark, though anticipation was in the air. Mew and Mewtwo could just see some of the crew hurrying around backstage as they made the final preparations for the show.

"Let's hope this doesn't turn out like your Christmas party…" Mewtwo sighed.

"Oh that wasn't too bad!" Mew protested.

Mewtwo looked sharply at him. "You stuck me in a dunk-tank. In the winter-time. I nearly froze to death."

"See?" Mew said with a saucy grin, "Not so bad!" Mewtwo glared and was about to protest, but then the house lights dimmed and the stage lights went up. A jazzy show theme began to play. "Ooh! It's starting!"

"Where did you get all this equipment?" Mewtwo muttered.

"Stole it from Team Rocket, like I said before! Now be quiet and watch the show!"

"Welcome!" the announcer said through the speakers, "Welcome Pokémon of all sizes and our special viewers from around the universe! Here's your hosts, Stardust and Blackstar!"

With another upbeat musical cue, a portion of the stage slid open. Mist poured up from it as two Pokémon slowly rose, lifted high into the air by a platform. As the fog cleared, their forms were gradually revealed. On the left was an espeon, sitting like a princess with her tail swaying back and forth behind her. On the right was an umbreon, grinning in the way that only Dark-types can. But then, the platform came to a jerky halt and fell off with a loud yelp.

"Ow…" he whimpered, "I think that was my head..."

"Oh get up," the espeon said with a sniff, "If you haven't cracked your skull before, then it won't happen this time." The umbreon pouted. A chuckle went through the audience. "Anyway…" the psychic turned to the audience, "Yes, good evening and welcome to the show. I'm Stardust and this is Blackstar. Now, this is the first show designed for Pokémon. If you are a human from our world and watching this...first of all, how did you find this broadcast? We're filming in between dimensions, for crying out loud! And second of all why are you watching a show for Pokémon?"

Blackstar hopped to his feet. "That's weird! Don't you have enough human shows to keep you entertained?" He grinned. "But seriously guys, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight!"

"Indeed!" Stardust said with a nod, "This is the first episode in our little show. Now, as I'm sure you know, our world has some pretty odd, strange, or otherwise entertaining events. However, there are some things you should never do. And, if you do, well…" She grinned. "We promise that your story will get a prime spot!"

"And now, it's disclaimer time!" Blackstar said with way too much pep, "The events you are about to see are for parody purposes only! All rights belong to their respective owners! We own nothing! I don't own myself! All hail my lord and master, Mew the glorious! May his tail never get tied in a knot! Also, the fourth wall will only be respected when and if it is convenient." He grinned. "We got blackmail on Palkia, so we can do whatever we want!"

"That about sums it up," Stardust said, "So Blackstar, what's first on the list?"

"Well…" the Umbreon said, "I'm sure you all know of Pikachu. Not just any pikachu, but Pikachu. Well, he has a very…unhealthy obsession with ketchup. And that's why the first item in our list of things not to do is…Never put Pikachu in charge of a ketchup factory. Ladies and Gentlemons, we present the first three of 200 Things NOT to do in Pokémon!"

#1: Never put Pikachu in charge of a ketchup factory.

"Hey, did you hear?" Bulbasaur asked Squirtle one day while they were hanging out in Ash's hotel room in Celadon City.

"I hear a lot of things, bro," Squirtle answered dismissively, staring out the window at something, "What is it?"

"Pikachu bought a ketchup factory on the outskirts of town."

"Oh," Squirtle muttered, "Well that would explain it..."

Bulbasaur cocked his head to the side. "Explain what?"

In reply, Squirtle pointed out the window, where Pikachu was riding a surf-board on a giant wave of ketchup. "Best. Day. EVER!" the electric mouse shouted as he passed his two friends. The two Kanto starters exchanged wide-eyed glances.

"Wow…" Bulbasaur muttered.

"I know!" Squirtle said, bobbing his head in agreement, "Who knew Pikachu could surf?"

#2: Do not teach Brock how to really flirt.

A solitary Absol ran across the Hoenn countryside, running as fast as he could to reach his goal. His mission: to warn the people of the neighboring towns of their imminent danger. A disaster unlike any other was approaching and it was his self-assigned duty to save them from it.

He ran down the street, straight into the heart of the town, and shouted. "All the girls! Start running! Run! Before you become one of THEM!"

None of the humans understood a word he was saying, but a nearby Swellow flew up beside him. "What? What's wrong? What did you see?" she asked anxiously.

The Absol looked at her with solemn eyes. "Brock Fan-girls!"

#3: Never take Squirtle's sunglasses.

"We are gathered here today to remember the late Gary Oak. His life was tragically cut short by a freak accident involving a storm drain and bubblegum…"

No one ever did figure out why Squirtle was laughing the whole way through. Serves Gary right, he told himself. No one touched his shades. No one.

"Has anyone actually ever liked Gary?" Blackstar wondered aloud.

"Yes! Of course!" Stardust responded in an offended tone, "He is without a doubt the hottest trainer alive! If ever I got captured, I'd want to be on his team. I have pictures, record albums, a lock of his hair…"

"Okay then…I think we've heard enough of that…" Blackstar interrupted, "Um, roll the next clip! Or several! I need to have a quick talk with my partner here…" He seized her ear in his mouth and quickly dragged her backstage.

#4: Don't go to Mt. Moon with no repels.

"Alright…the coast is clear…" Red muttered to himself as he peered into the depths of Mt. Moon. However, the instant he stepped inside, a loud, fluttering noise was heard. Beside him, his faithful Charmeleon's eyes widened and he turned to run. "Charmeleon! Wait!" Red called, but it was too late. The Zubats had descended.

"Crud! I'm going to be late for my date!" he said, right before a zubat struck him in the face.

#5: Never try to convince Mewtwo he is female.

"So wait…let me get this straight…" Lugia said, frowning at Mewtwo, "You're a clone… but you were cloned from a fossil of Mew… Wouldn't that make you the same gender as the fossil?"

"Your point?" Mewtwo asked, unimpressed.

"Well, Mew is the ancestor of all Pokémon and that would seem to imply that you're really a…"

One Shadow Ball to the face later, Mewtwo was glaring down at the silver legendary. "Your line of reasoning is invalid."

#6: Don't offer Togepi eggs and bacon.

Meowth did this once, but Pikachu fried him so badly that 'Deep-fried-Meowth' was an option for dinner that night. Fortunately, he still had seven lives left, otherwise he'd have been in a world of hurt.

"I'll getcha for dat, rat!" the cat swore. Just then, Togepi used the dreaded 'Metronome' technique and an anvil fell on Meowths' head.

"Won't that kill him again?" Pikachu wondered, "Ah, who am I kidding? He survives being blasted into the sky every episode."

#7: Don't try to figure out Mew's gender.

"Okay, I really am trying to figure this out here…" Lugia said apologetically as he flew beside Mew and Mewtwo, "Official sources state Mew is male, but they also say he's the ancestor of all Pokémon…Also, he is able to shape-shift. So…does that mean that…"

Suddenly, an anvil landed on his head, slid off, and fell on some poor Meowth's head, making his second line of reasoning also invalid.

"Your peach cobbler, Director Mew?"

Mew grinned at the plusle and took the tasty treat eagerly. "Thanks, Plus!" He felt the fur on the back of his neck bristle. He glanced over at Mewtwo and squeaked in alarm. The clone glared at him with such ferocity, it was a wonder that the psychic kitten didn't explode right then and there. "What?" he asked, "I didn't come up with that joke!"

Mewtwo grumbled under his breath and went back to watching the show. The two eeveelutions re-entered the stage. "Right!" Blackstar said, "Glad we got that straightened out."

"And now for a bit of fourth-wall breaking!" Stardust said, "Everyone's favorite part!"

Blackstar nodded. "Enjoy!"

"And Gary is the best trainer ever!" Stardust added before dashing off stage-right, Blackstar hot on her heels.

#8: Don't use overused memes (like this one).

Red whipped out his trusty Poke-Dex and pointed it at the Pokémon across from him. It was the last entry he had to fill and he was having a really tough time battling it. "What is Arceus' level?!" he shouted over the chaos of the battle.

Predictably, the Poke-dex replied…

"Over 9000."

#9: Celebi is not a Time Lord. Don't call her one.

"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!"

Things were going poorly for the defenders of Johto. The weird, alien trash-cans were making rapid progress in conquering the region. That is, until Celebi appeared, wielding a metal stick with a glowing tip and talking in a lovely British accent. But then, she wanted Mew to be her companion and things went down-hill from there.

"For the last time, Celebi, I'm NOT your boyfriend!"

#10 Neither is Dialga. Don't call him one either.

The second time the aliens attacked, they avoided Johto altogether and just went straight for Sinnoh. It was then that Dialga discovered that Daleks made great giant chess pieces when frozen in time. It still didn't make him any better at chess.

"Checkmate," Palkia said, bored.

In his fury, the Lord of Time unleashed the entire board at his 'brother'. Next day's news reported sightings of the Lord of Space running from flying trash-cans. The reporter was then put in a mental institution, but the conspiracy theorists still had fun with the story.

Blackstar stepped back onto the stage, a sheepish smile on his face. "It's now time for intermission! Hope you all ordered something tasty! Sorry that Stardust couldn't be here. She's a bit…tied up at the moment."

A pan flew from backstage, spilling food everywhere, and struck him in the head. Repeatedly. "Ow! Ow! Quit it! Fine, I'll untie you!" The pan dropped to the ground immediately.

"Hey! That was my dinner!" one of the audience members shouted.

"We'll make you another one! Don't worry!" Blackstar assured him. Under his breath, he added, "Note to self, don't tick off someone who can levitate objects with her mind. Anyways, we'll be right back after intermission! If you're watching this on T.V., enjoy a few commercials!"