Author's Note: Got a request for a bro fic, got struck with this idea outta nowhere, and the resulting silliness happened. I hope you like it!

i. i guess you're gonna miss the panty raid

Crash!

"Ow! What the—"

"Idiot! I thought you'd come in through her window tons of times!"

"I have, but since when did she get this huge desk—ow my toe!"

"Watch where you're going, flame-brain!"

"Like you can see any better, droopy eyes!"

"Keep your voice down! Are you trying to get us caught?!"

"Caught kicking your ass, yeah!"

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"Does so! You're just dumb!"

Natsu and Gray growled at each other, snatching each other's collars and pressing their foreheads together. They raised their arms, swinging a punch for the other's jaw, but then there was a sudden shuffle in the other room, leading the boys to immediately spring apart and duck behind furniture.

"Flame-head!" Gray hissed under his breath, glaring at the other boy. "I thought you said Lucy wasn't coming home for another few hours!"

"She isn't!" Natsu barked back, turning his ear to the door before lifting his nose in the air and taking a few whiffs. "Oi, that ain't Lucy, that's her next door neighbor."

"That sound came from next door?" Gray asked, slowly standing up as Natsu followed suit.

"Yeah," Natsu nodded, cracking his knuckles before grinning manically. "Now, let's get to the good part!" He leapt over towards her dresser and wiggled his fingers, yanking open a drawer and snatching the sought item inside. "Panties!"

Gray snickered, coming up beside him with his arms crossed over his suddenly shirtless chest. "Nice."

"Man, Lucy has a lot of these…" Natsu murmured quietly, eyes wide in awe as he dug through the rows of underwear assorted neatly by color. "Whoa." Lifting a panty in the air, he dangled the thin strap of cloth off his finger. "What's this…?"

Gray, who had been spacing out imagining another certain guild member wearing skimpy panties, casually shifted his gaze to the panty on Natsu's finger, only for his eyes to bug out of his head.

"Dude. That's a thong."

Natsu blinked. "It's… stringy," he muttered, pulling on the elasticity.

Gray coughed. "'Cause it's a g-string."

"It's not a shaped in a 'g' though," Natsu stated, closely inspecting the panty before furrowing his brow. "How do you even wear this thing?"

"Use your head, flame-brain."

Natsu stared intently, narrowing his eyes before his face suddenly flamed red. Gray jabbed him in the side with his elbow.

"Your other head, idiot."

"Ohh…"

Gray smacked his forehead. "That's not what I—just put it back before your nosebleed gets over everything."

Natsu promptly covered his nose while flinging the panty over his shoulder, shaking his hand as though it had burned him.

Gray rolled his eyes and snorted. "You shouldn't have suggested a panty raid if you were gonna be popping boners at the sight of 'em."

"I've seen Lucy's panties before!" Natsu fired back.

"Aren't you proud," Gray drawled flatly.

"Shut up, ice princess! It's just—Lucy's never worn anything like that, I didn't even know she owned that kinda stuff!" He scratched the back of his head, his cheeks matching the rosy shade of his hair. "Why would she even wear—"

"Panty lines."

"Huh?"

"Chicks wear thongs to hide panty lines. And it looks hot." Natsu gave him a quizzical stare, and Gray simply shrugged. "Loke."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"…Does Juvia wear those g-string thingies?"

Gray immediately stiffened, snapping his gaze to his. "What the hell—"

"Her scent's all over you, even outside the guild. But you hide your smell on her 'cause of Gajeel, right?"

Gray twitched. Since when was Natsu so damn perceptive?

"I don't blame ya though. Between the two of ya, he'd own your ass." The boy grinned at him, flexing his arm and clapping a hand over his bicep. "We dragon slayers are pretty tough, ya know!"

"Not so tough on anything with wheels," Gray snapped, sneering at Natsu's glare.

"You know, it's good she doesn't smell like you! You stink bad, and she smells like a sweet vanilla—"

"Have you told anyone?"

"Huh?"

"Have you told anyone?" Gray pressed, scowling.

Natsu scoffed. "It ain't my business. 'Sides, if anyone's gonna be kicking your ass, it's gonna be me!"

Gray rolled his eyes. "You wish."

Natsu ignored him, returning his attention to the colorful goodies laid out in the drawer. Flinging panties across the room, he suddenly paused, staring into space before his face brightened at a brilliant idea.

"I know!" he exclaimed. "Let's raid Juvia's place next!"

Gray jumped. "What—"

"Last one there's gotta eat Erza's last slice of cake!"

"Oi—Natsu!"

The pink-haired boy leapt out the window, cackling as he sped down the path to Fairy Hills. Gray speedily trailed right behind him, fully intent on snatching the scarf around his neck and throttling the moron—

"Where are you two idiots heading?"

The boys stopped just outside the girls' dormitories, turning towards the gruff voice to find Gajeel scowling down at them.

Gray instantly tensed. "What are you doing here?"

"I asked you two the same question. Well?"

Natsu closed his eyes and cheekily grinned. "We're going to panty raid Juvia's place!"

Gray's eyes bugged out. "Natsu—!"

"You're going to what?! Salamander—!"

"Don't be such wusses, guys! Her window is right there!"

"You idiot!" Gray seethed through grit teeth, seizing his scarf and glaring at the pink-haired boy. "Don't even think about it!"

"Scaredy-cat!"

"As if!"

"Then what's your problem?!"

"There's no point!"

"Huh?" Natsu squinted. "What d'ya mean?"

Gray twitched, ignoring Gajeel's glare boring holes through his head. "Let's just hit someplace else. We're not going to find anything."

"Why's that?" Natsu pressed.

Gray's eyes flashed as his hand curled into a tight fist. Of all the times for Natsu to be dense as hell—

"Why do you think," he ground out.

Both dragon slayers stared at him, one in genuine confusion and the other in building aggravation. Gray shook in annoyance.

"Seriously? Do I need to spell it out for you?"

Their gazes trained on him, wordlessly expectant. Gray's eyebrow twitched.

"Fucking—she doesn't wear any, okay?!"

A heavy silence followed, reigning in the air for several moments before it was broken by Natsu.

"…Ohh," he said.

Meanwhile, steam puffed out of Gajeel's nose. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW, STRIPPER FUCK?"

Gray tensed. "Oi, don't give me that look! Sometimes her dress tears in battle, and since there's never a panty line I just figured—"

"You were looking?!"

"Her legs were looking at me!"

"You bastard—"

"Gajeel-kun…?"

Gray immediately froze, instantly recognizing the soft whisper as his gaze snapped to the apartment window.

"Gray-sama…?"

Juvia was leaning over her windowpane, drowsily rubbing one eye with her elbow propped against the windowsill. Her hair was slightly disheveled, curled messily around her face while a strap of her nightgown slipped off her shoulder.

"Hi Juvia!" Natsu beamed, waving at her.

Juvia glanced at him, yawning quietly. "Oh, and Natsu-san too…"

"Juvia!" Gajeel barked, but the girl was unfazed by his irate tone. "Did you show the stripper your panties?!"

Gray's face immediately reddened. "Oi, what the hell?!"

"Hm?" the girl hummed, blinking sleepily.

"Hey Juvia," chimed in Natsu, "do ya have any food—"

"How does the stripper know you don't wear any panties?!"

"Dude!"

"Please lower your voice, Gajeel-kun…"

"Hm, do you think there are any restaurants open now—"

"Juvia!" Gajeel shouted when the girl began dozing off in her arms. "Answer me! How does he know—"

"Shh," she hushed, rolling her cheek on her arm. "Gray-sama slept with Juvia last night, Gajeel-kun…"

Gajeel stiffened.

Gray paled.

Natsu's stomach growled.

"…He what?!"

"Uh—it's not what you think—"

"Stripping fucker! Her scent's all over you!"

"I can explain—"

"Does Gray-sama want to sleep over again…?"

"…"

"PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON, STRIPPER—"

"Could really go for some meat now, guys—"

"Gray-samaa~ Juvia's waiting~"

"I'LL KILL YOU—"

"Gajeel-kun," Juvia whined in a sleepy murmur, exhaling a soft sigh. "Please don't kill Juvia's boyfriend…"

The man violently twitched. "Boyfriend?!"

"Shit," Gray muttered, his boxers idly pooling around his ankles. "So much for keeping it a secret, Juvia."

The girl yawned before blinking dreamily. "Juvia loves you, Gray-sama…"

"Yeah, yeah," he mumbled, his mouth lifting in a half-grin as he stepped out of his boxers. "You're gonna get it when I get back."

"Ooh, Gray-sama~"

"—Like hell you will! You ain't givin' her shit—!"

"Has Juvia been a bad girl~?"

"RAIN WOMAN—!"

"Oh yeah. Very bad."

"POPSICLE—"

"Ahh~ What's Gray-sama going to do to Juvia~"

"GO BACK THE FUCK TO SLEEP, SPRINKLER—"

"M'gonna throw you over my knee, lift up your nightgown and—"

"Ahnn, Gray-sama! Just like last time—?"

"—THAT'S IT, YOU'RE DEAD ICE CUBE—"

"Can you hold on a second? Ice-make: floor!"

The two dragon slayers slipped, Natsu landing on his stomach while Gajeel fell on his back.

"Ow!" Natsu yelled. "My toe!"

"FUCKIN'," Gajeel roared, struggling to stand, "GET BACK HERE, STRIPPER FUCK—"

Gray snickered, smirking to Juvia and giving her a parting salute before dashing away. The girl sleepily waved back, smiling adoringly while Gajeel attempted to chase after him. Natsu steadily got to his feet, holding a hand over his stomach and whining as it growled once more.

"Hungry…"

"Natsu-san~"

He sniffed before snapping his head up, finding Juvia smiling and dangling a bag of open chips. Beaming widely in appreciation, he leapt to her window, snatching the bag before tackling inside.