Date posted: 8th November 2014

Disclaimer: I don't own Sword Art Online.

Yes, I know it's late about a week. But hey, here's something.

Argo was not a fan of horror.

Granted, she respected the genre. She liked Halloween though it wasn't her favourite holiday, Christmas and the fried chicken that came along with it held that honour. She also enjoyed seeing idiotic horny teenagers being murdered no matter how loudly she yelled at the television screen to not go outside alone with nothing but a flashlight (much to her father's displeasure).

Horror was okay. Not great, but okay.

And now here she was, stuck in an abandoned mansion with a raging thunderstorm, wet as a dog (grrr dogs) and nothing accomplished.

It's as if Kayaba saw she was having a nice day and decided to literally rain on her parade.

What a dick.

The ancient living room bathed in an orange glow as the fire came to life. Kirito grabbed the nearest chair and gave it a swift elbow, smashing the thing apart. The excess wood became kindling as he threw it into the arising flame. At this point he was going to outpace her in the Unarmed skill. She can't have that. It wouldn't be fun in sparring sessions if Kii-bou won. Free meals weren't as fun if you did not strip the opponent of their manly honor.

"That should be enough," he said. The swordsman laid his backpack to the wall and rummaged through it. Argo took off her wet cloak and draped it on one of the couches.

She leaned down and whipped her blonde hair like the supermodels on the ads. It did little to dry her hair due to how short it was. The info broker made a mental note to get a better cloak, preferably an enchanted one with good Water Resistance. Her hand went through her blonde hair; months into the game and not a single millimeter of it grew. Guess not everything was perfectly detailed in Aincrad.

Dinner was brought out, pieces of venison roasted over the fire smeared with honey. The two sat in relative silence, Argo went over her notebook and Kirito sharpening his horrifyingly large amount of weapons which he got from some dungeon, many of them high quality steel. She was no weapons expert but Argo knew what Kirito had was something a lot of players would pay a lot for. To him, it was all vendor trash.

At least twice a month, Argo would go out and grind. There were quests in towns, ranging from simple guard duty to detective work to catching spies, but none of them contributed to combat unless the quest went horribly wrong which it rarely did. For the most part she would grind in a safe farm guarded by guilds and with her connections, it wasn't at all difficult. This time she decided to complete one of the tougher dungeons, get some decent loot and get more of a challenge. The Valley of the Furry Abomination it was called, on the 31st floor, said to contain dangerous killer rabbits that dropped S-rank ingredients.

Turns out said dungeon was already cleared, due in no part not being the few guild guarded dungeons. Part of her was pissed that she wasted her time doing nothing productive. The other part was glad she didn't have to fight murderous rabbits that could tear apart an entire team of fully armored knights. Kirito was disappointed that he was not able to fight 'a lifelong desired enemy'. But then again Kirito was weird that way.

"The food's done," he announced as the timer above the meat ran out.

Argo did not realise how hungry she really was as she tore into the cooked meat. It wasn't her idea of a good dinner but it was better than going hungry. She chewed loudly, trying to siphon out the noise of the rain. It didn't help the water was still getting into the house from the holes in the wall. This was not the way she decided to spend her weekend.

"Mmph! Dis ish good! Where did you findg dith?"

Kirito swallowed before answering, "Dunno, got it from Agil. I do know that he got it from a guild who specialise in hunting these sorts of mobs. The Men in Tights they're called."

Argo held back a snicker. "That's a silly name. Though not as silly as … The Leets."

"Really?" Kirito laughed. "Some group really called themselves that?"

"Well, last time I checked they were about the level 10 mark, give or take a few levels." Argo reached for her waterskin. "They're doing pretty well for themselves."

"I don't take anyone five levels below me seriously, much less twenty levels below me," he harrumphed.

"Careful, Kii-bou. Your fedora is showing."

The teen nearly choked on his food. "Hey now. I take great pride in min-maxing my stats. Do you know how utterly hard it is to up your «Longsword» skill? Yes, I know that spears are the most popular weapons in the game, but it's called Sword Art Online for a reason! It's expensive to repair a sword, harder to maintain. Which reminds me, you don't even want to run into a shield/spear combo …"

Her eyelids were getting heavy, but it was so cute to listen to Kii-bou ramble. Can't sleep now, have to finish food. But the warmth of the flame was really getting to her.

Thunder shook the house, the ancient wooden furniture startled as if shaken by hand and a second later, lightning followed, flashing the interior with white. Shadows that were non-existent before sprung from behind the furniture, casting macabre shapes on the walls. The occupants of the house jumped in response.

"We should find a safer spot." The swordsman stood up and grabbed his things, the meal forgotten; something Argo was rather unwilling to do. She was not at all prepared to depart from the dear, delicious, delightful deer meat!

As if reading her mind, he said, "We can cook more, right now we should find if this place has a basement." In a minute, Kirito had already gathered his gear sans cloak which he saved in his Inventory. The teen was out of the living room before the info broker could even get on her feet. Much shuffling, hitting random furniture on the way and a near faceplant into a wall (she really should level her «Night Vision», the two descended down a set of stairs. Each step bringing a loud creak that echoed through the house. They reached the bottom and walked forwards.

The darkness was all consuming. When light is absent, the colour one see was not black, it was a dark grey called eigengrau. But this was different. Even if Aincrad was still stuck from early Middle Ages Europe to Early Renaissance with mythical monsters when it came to technology level, the candle fire was always unnaturally bright. The moonlight, always giving the outside in a calming white glow. Here, in the depths of an abandoned house in the middle of the woods …

No, it was her imagination. It was simply chance, fate, destiny, the will of God, whatever it was, it was circumstance that brought her here. And it could not be all bad. She had Kii-bou with her, and he was worth ten swordsmen. The darkness, the rain, the lightning, there was nothing to fear.

Yes, everything will be alright.

A red glow! Kirito must have finally lit up a torch. She peeked in front and before her, seeable even in the darkness, were two holes and a mouth.

At the end of the corridor, a red glow displayed a giant face.

Argo decided then, she hated horror.

Turning so fast that she'd probably sprain her ankle if it was real life, her first step towards the safe lightning storm was denied when she was held back by the scruff of her collar. "Kirito! What the hell?! Run!"

"No, wait, I think this might be a quest," he said, as if he just found a treasure chest. Unwillingly, the small girl was dragged to Scary Glowing Red Giant Face of Ominous Doom. Kirito did not even take out his sword for this. Frantically, the info broker scrolled through her Inventory for her weapons. If she was going to die, she might as well poke its eyes out on the way. Kirito did the most logical thing by knocking on it, resulting in a loud knocking sound. The red glow became brighter, an audible hum.

At least Argo could die with a Darwin Award in her honour.

A quiet chuckle escaped Kirito's lips. "Relax, it's just a door." Finally letting her go, Argo slapped him.

"Ow! What was that for?!" he shouted, his 'Ow!' echoing in the hallway.

"You do not drag a lady to a dark cellar, to a giant Skull Face of Evil, to knock on it! For all we knew, that thing could come alive and eat us!"

A snappy finger pointed at her face. "Ahah! But did we die?"

"Kirito, you cannot use that line every time you almost get someone killed." The incident with the heist quest, involving the mafia, a secret recipe, the Duke of Zendar, and half a town's garrison force with Asu-chan and him came to mind.

" … but did we die?" He winked at her. Kirito rolled a «Charm» check, but Argo's «Annoyance» attribute was higher. The wink proved ineffective.

"At the moment, I'm thinking one of us who should." She harrumphed, equipped her «Silver Mail Mittens» and shoved past inspected the face. Indeed, it was a door, with a white-ish, bone like colour. A red glow emanated from it, but she could find any actual light source. The skull's eyes were black but hollow, its nose and teeth had lines. There was still humming …

Monsters were scary when you could see them, and Argo could see this one just fine. There was nothing scary about it, it was but a normal door, with a skull face design. She chuckled to herself. She had been so silly. "You're alright, skully", she said slapping it in between the hollow eyes. Its reply was:

WHAT IS THE FESTIVAL OF NIGHTS?

"KII-BOU SAVE ME!" The Rat jumped into his arms, almost dragging him to the ground. Kirito vaguely recalled a cartoon dog with this gesture but kept it to himself. Kirito looked at Argo, Argo looked at Kirito.

"…"

"…"

"I meant to that."

"Right." The swordsman abruptly dropped the Rat on her ass (the ruffian!) before standing in front of the door.

"The Festival of Nights … hold on. I could answer this. Argo, what date is it?"

She looked at her in-game clock, the date beneath it said, "30th October … there's only one minute till midnight." It was a very simple question. "Wait, what are you doing?"

Kirito was scrolling through his Inventory, looking for something. "There's clearly ghosts, monsters, spirits and whathaveyou behind this door. I'm looking for a silver weapon, just in case. Can't fight corporeal monsters without silver weapons."

"… you're not going to actually go in, right now, are you?"

"Hey, you wanted to grind. Here's your chance!" The swordsman closed his Inventory, an item was materialising in his hand.

"Can we at least please finish dinner first?"

Kirito flashed a smile. "Oh Argo, what is bravery, without a dash of recklessness!" He unsheathed his silver weapon, a mighty fine weapon it was, of quality craftsmanship. It was small, but no less deadly, to the foul creatures of the dawn and darkness. A tool of righteousness and good, woe to the abominations lurking in the dark. Evildoers, be wary! For Kirito the Black Swordsman's weapon of choice was -

"Is that a spoon?"

"It's a Silver Spoon of Holiness + 7 (seven!)." Kirito looked incredibly proud of himself. "I won it in a game of strip poker."

That last bit was raising a lot of questions to the young girl. "… I'm going to die," she muttered, already writing her will mentally.

"Hail," he greeted. In a rasping voice, the door asked again:

WHAT IS THE FESTIVAL OF NIGHTS?

"Hallow's Eve."

WELCOME HOME.

With a creek, the door opened itself and darkness stared at them. Kirito stared back, lost the staring contest, and light up a torch. It took a moment for their eyes to readjust back to having sources of light. He went in first, Spoon of Smiting at the ready. Argo put on her silver mail mittens and followed after.

The area was far larger than any of them expected. The walls were stone and mortar, the floor wooden, and the room bare. A few steps in and both could feel something was immediately wrong. The raging storm was silent. The flame made them feel much hotter than before. Suddenly, the flame flickered noticeably.

"It's quiet."

"…."

"It's quiet."

"Yup, it is."

A sigh. "Argo, you're supposed to say, 'too quiet'.

"Why?" she asked, but in reality she was wondering why she was not having her dinner yet.

"Because that's how fiction works!" he said, a little too loudly.

"This is not fiction, Kii-bou."

"Huh. I guess not," the teen admitted. He nearly walked forth into a wall for no reason whatsoever.

They went deeper, and deeper. The room seemed endless, infinite. There was nothing around but the walls and the floor, nor could she see the door from whence they came from. Argo felt as if she was watched, but then again she felt that all the time. She did not become SAO's best info broker from not being paranoid of competitors or assholes who were trying to take advantage of her. But this was different, not at all like someone from a rooftop away spying on her or a player stretching their head way back to eavesdrop.

It was more … malevolent. Eyes burning through her skull.

Screeekk …

A scrapping sound!

"I hear it too," said Kirito. The swordsman two-handed his spoon and had it in an Oxe position. Two-handing in this case was holding the handle with both his thumbs and point finger.

"You do know, how stupid that is right?"

"Says the girl who thinks punching her problems away work. Try that on a dragon sometime." Kirito scanned the area, ears slightly moving.

"At least kickboxing works with mailed fists! There's no «Spoon» skill that I know off!"

Screeekk ….

"It's in front of us. We stand and fight." He quickly went through his Inventory, and a small vial materialised in his hand, the size of his palm. It emitted a bright golden glow, Argo knew what it was.

"Liquid Sunlight!"

"Yup. Been saving this for a rainy day! You know, because-"

"Just shut up and throw it."

"Right." And so he did, right at the ceiling. The sound of broken glass was followed by a hymn. It was as a hole was made above, and daylight shone down. The Rat squinted her eyes, the area around the two was illuminated in a twenty meter radius. There was still darkness around them but that did not matter, they could see the enemy.

Screeekk!

It had arrived.

Her blood ran cold. "Oh no …" It was him.

"OhmiGod!" he said, in the highest pitch voice she ever heard. "It's .. it's you!"

Before them, was a tall muscular pale man, if one could call it human. He had but a butcher's apron, caked with dry blood and there were multiple handprints on them. In his hand was a giant knife, almost as long as his torso, a brutal and ugly thing. But was clear from the get-go, was its head. A giant red pyramid, as long as she was. It was a miracle that the man did not buckle down from the sheer-weight of it. The room now smelled of blood. She almost gagged.

"C-Can I have an autograph?" he asked, touching his fingertips like a shy fanboy.

"Kirito, kill it now you idiot!"

The monster ignored the request for an autograph, and nearly cut Kirito's head off.

The teen voided his attack, and launched forward. The spoon shined in the darkness as Kirito brought it down in a downwards strike at the weapon arm. The giant knife was deceptively fast and he was that close to losing his arm.

He shanked the monster in its side, followed by a hilt (handle?) strike to the base of the spine. The monster unleashed a 180 degree spin, aimed low which would have effectively «Crippled» him had he not been so agile. The teen jumped back into the light with Argo, breathing heavily.

"Well Pyramid-sama! It seems I'll have to take that Knife or yours by force!" A dangerous grin appeared on Kirito's face. He lifted his spoon in the air in the Roof guard, the Silver Spoon of Holiness + 7 shone like a star in the dark. The two looked at each other, a warrior's understanding between them. The monster held his giant knife forward.

They charg- oh no, wait, it's down.

The swords/spoonsman was flabbergasted. "Did you just punch him in his -"

"I did", Argo said as she hit its «Massive Giant Huge Large Critical Weak Spot» again. "Now let's get him!"

The Rat stepped on the monster's wrist, effectively pinning his weapon hand to the floor. It reached for her with its free hand and Kirito sliced off three of its fingers, and he was very glad he spent an hour sharpening the spoon head. Argo went for a wrist break and Kirito a chest stab but with a loud grunt, it threw both of them off and the two jumped back.

It spun around like a tornado, the giant knife a whirlwind of bladed destruction. The two swiftly stepped away and waited as it finished its spin. When it did finish, Kirito went it and backstabbed him, driving the spoon at the neck and dropped it to its knees. He wiggled the eating utensil, doing continuous damage. The monster still had a quarter of its health yet, Kirito prayed for a Crit.

"Switch!" yelled the Rat.

"Roger!"

Argo took a few steps back, sprinted at the monster and jumped, delivering a destructive double kick at the pyramid. She expertly landed and rolled as the tip of the pyramid slammed into the wooden floor. The floor cracked loudly followed by a much louder crack of bone as the monsters neck snapped, granting an instant Crit, finally ending its life.

As the dust settled, the two players gazed on the monster's corpse. Was this it? A miniboss? What other horrors await them down here?

The teen hefted the giant knife with considerable effort. It was a brutish thing, still caked in dry blood. The monster must have had considerable STR and DEX to use such a weapon. "I don't care how nonsensical this weapon is, I will use it."

"Kirito, let's get out of here before something else shows up." The Rat glanced up at the Liquid Sunlight above them. The light was still strong but it was only a matter of time before it dies out and Argo did not fancy fighting in the dark.

"Wait … just … a second." The swordsman finally managed to swing the knife back up and placed the false edge on his shoulder. Not place, more like smash in 12 kilograms of steel onto his body, which sent him straight to the floor in a crash. "Ow …"

"Come on, let's go! I rather face the storm than some monster with giant knives!"

"Hey! This some monster is a cult classic! Pay Pyramid-sama some respect!" He fell again, hand unwilling to forgo the knife. "I think I just «Crippled» my arm. Oh wait, no, it's good."

"Put it in your Inventory!"

"Of course! Why didn't think of that?" A few button presses later, the 14 kg knife was in hyperspace. "I'm so glad I took up a bit of «Inventory Management»."

"Fine, now let's-"

REEEeeReengg!

Kirito raised an eyebrow. "Is that a chainsaw? That's pretty unfitting for a fantasy set- WAITAMINUTE, this could only mean …" Kirito smirked. "Argo, we have to fight this one."

"Are you kidding?! It has a chainsaw!" Ohgodwhyareweevenstillhere?!

"This is my only chance to get a chainsaw! And I am not leaving this place without one!" He gripped his spoon harder as the sound became louder.

REEeeeReeeng!

"Here comes, Leat- hey, you're not him!"

"Echa un vistazo a esta motosierra me acabo de comprar! [1]" yelled the monster, a robust man in a simple button up shirt with suspenders holding up his pants. The burlap sack on his head did nothing to impede his vision as he brought up his chainsaw to slice into the players and serve their heads for dinner. The swing was slow and clumsy, less of a threat than the giant knife from before as the two players easily sidestepped his attack.

"Oh yes, this is even better!" Kirito dashed in and delivered a hit at back of the knee. Surprisingly, it was enough to bring him on the knees again. "Argo! Do that thing again!"

Judging it safe enough, the Rat launched another jump kick at the sack's face … only to be grabbed with its free hand. The hold threw her off balance as she hit her head onto the floor. She found herself in the air again as the monster swung her around like a ragdoll into Kirito, sending the two away in a sprawling mess.

"Hmm," Kirito hmmed audibly, as he formed a plan of attack. "Maybe you should do a suplex."

"What?! Are you kidding me! I don't have enough STR for that!" she yelled, getting her right foot out of his left armpit, moving away with her right arm, using her back to get off his torso, untangled her cloak from his shoe. She had no idea how that was even anatomically possible.

"Good point, we oughta whittle his health down a bit more."

The monster, impatient of waiting for the two getting off each other (tee hee), revved his chainsaw again, cutting low. Argo pushed Kirito off and the two rolled away from each other, bits of wood flew in every direction. The girl got on her feet and wished she was in the rain right about now. "Yo no tengo un seguro para esto! [2]" it yelled what both assumed was a hateful curse.

Spoon flashing, Kirito hit its back once, twice, and leapt back, cancelling his third strike as the chainsaw grazed his breastplate. Sparks flew as steel met steel, leaving a nasty cut on the stomach area. The chainsaw head went upwards but Kirito voided it just barely.

The Rat jumped on the monster's back, wrapping her arms around its neck as she tried to choke it to submission, all the while expert delivering knee strikes. It served to piss it even more, as it grabbed her by her cloak and threw her away. The Rat would have been sprawling on the floor again had she rolled away. Thank you, «Acrobatics» skill, she thought.

The dance of melee continued for a few more rounds. Kirito would strike and distract it and Argo would launch herself at it in order to bring it down. The last attempt was a mad shoulder dash at the knees which was halted as she was given a boot to the face. For a lesser known monster, it was far more dangerous than the Pyramid man.

"Alright, suplex time!" yelled Kirito as he voided another swipe and a kick to his knees.

"Mueren rápido, tengo que volver a ver mi telenovela! [3]" it roared, most likely a threat to have their bodies cooked on a fire, well done, marinated with garlic.

Argo hated garlic.

"Fine!" The petite girl ran at the monster as it was being distracted by Kirito's surprisingly good spoonsmanship. Argo wrapper her arms around the monster's waist, a difficult task in itself, and with all her might, archer her back and hoisted. The monster flew.

In hindsight, she really should have stretched her back, because she was gonna feel that in the morning.

CRACK! was the sweet, disgusting sound of victory. Also, paaaiinn. Horrible, devastating, terrible, bad, not-good, pain. Damn Kayaba to Hell for creating Pain Sensors.

"Yes!" Kirito said, and pumped his fist into the air. "Suplexes always work! Especially on Spanish Zombies."

"Owowowowow my back ow."

"Well technically, they're not zombies. There's a parasite in them, so they're more Infected really."

"…. need … salve … oww …"

"I can't wait to fight the next one! The XP we're getting here is insane! And look!" Kirito picked up the chainsaw, and when he started it, it led out a wheezing cough and smoke escaped from the machine, the smell of burning filled their noses. "Wait, I can fix this. We can use bamboo oil. Know anyone with a high «Alchemy» skill?"

"Salve now!"

"Sure thing!" Kirito handed her a light blue vial, a Soothing Salve, a painkiller in cream form. She poured a handful of it in her palm and gently spread it on her back, a comfortable chill relieved the pain. Argo vaguely wondered if she had bones in her.

Kirito saved the chainsaw in his Inventory. "Excellent, what other monster shall we face. Oooh, I hope it's-"

The room shook, as if an earthquake had struck. The Liquid Sunlight on the ceiling … flickered. No, that was impossible. That's not how it works. They probably still had ten minutes of light time left. It was an alchemy item, not a light switch.

But it did. Flicker, flicker, flicker. And she could see another thing that came from the darkness. And like the light, the monster flickered. The monster appeared and made itself a visible to them.

It was a young girl, with long black hair, sunken yellow eyes, dressed in red.

Then, she was gone.

"NONONONONONO!" came the litany of no's from Kirito. "We can't face this. It's impossible. The situation is FUBAR. Retreat!"

Argo however stayed her ground. "Why? She's just a little girl."

Kirito grabbed her by the shoulders and brought their faces very close. Her cheeks were getting warm. "No, you do not understand. We cannot kill her. She is a ghost. A powerful spirit of vengeance. She can bend reality to her will, her appearance brings forth the End of the World as we know it!"

Argo rolled her eyes. "You do realise we're still stuck in a video game right?"

"No, you don't understand. That girl is …" Kirito then proceeded to explain the new monster's origins in the span of a minute and a half, consisting mostly of terrible parenting and messing with the fabrics of reality which was Not Good. By the end of it, Argo's jaw was left hanging.

"Oh …the poor girl!"

"Poor girl?! If she touches us, we die! Run away now!" He grabbed her arm and the two ran away …

… and into her. Kirito let out a girly "Eep!"

Red, it was red everywhere. Rifts were opening, time was slowing down, the floorboard was cracking. The girl's hair pulled in every direction. She could visions of burning cities, millions upon millions dead and the earth tearing itself apart. Kirito was frozen in place, a look of fear upon his face that she never would have ever seen in a million years. In the face of complete annihilation, Argo knew what must be done.

Argo hugged the child, and the chaos was no more.

"Aww, you poor thing. Come to Argo-neechan!"

"… ARGO. GET AWAY FROM IT!" Kirito shouted.

The info broker merely patted the girl's head, the Bringer of the Apocalypse was quiet. "There, there. I know how it feels, to have a rough time when you're a child."

"… uuu?" the Doombringer whimpered.

"I may not know the exact details of what happened to you, nor will I ever fully understand but hey," Argo pulled her away and looked into the girl's eyes. "You're not alone, okay?"

A blank face met hers. Kirito moved his spoon in just the right position …

"Uuu .. waaa!" Tears came flooding like a broken dam. The Harbinger of Extinction no longer seemed all that terrifying and the spoonsman relaxed his grip, slightly. Only slightly. The chance of both of them being skinned alive was still up in the air.

Kirito could not hear what the Self Appointed Big Sister whispered but whatever it was, it calmed her down. The monster, who could very much take down entire assault teams with her mind, hugged back, smiled and disappeared.

"… what did you say?"

"Oh, Kii-bou. There's some secrets I would be unwilling to sell." She stood up and dusted herself off. They took a glance at the Sunlight above them and noticed it was dimming. "We should leave. I've levelled once already in those three fights."

"The last one wasn't a fight. That was an act of God," he smiled, a wide toothy grin aimed at her, "and you, Argo, are an angel."

Her mouth opened, and closed tightly. Argo's face became as red as a tomato, warm as a blanket. "Ki … Kirito …"

He scratched his chin with his spoon. "What loot do you think she would have dropped had we killed h-"

DOOF! CRASH!

"We're leaving," the Rat announced as she cracked her knuckles. The spoonsman picked himself up, still unsure what he did that brought her fury on him. He was too afraid to ask.

They only took half a dozen steps before more silhouettes surrounded them.

One was a large Frankenstein's monster-like creature, dressed in a black coat wielding giant scissors. His movements were stiff, his face a corpse, his weapon bloodied.

Another was a torso with blades for legs and arms, wrapped in brown cloth. Amputees with literal blades stuck in their stumps, knives in metal contraptions aimed just aimed just above their necks. Their faces were seeable behind tightly wrapped mask, gasping for air and seething in rage.

There was a … thing, which looked like a mass of moving tendrils with orange glows around that did not stay in one spot. It slithered and slithered, the players unable to make anything of it. It kept changing shapes, never staying in one form for more than a few seconds. A grotesque and offending thing it was. Utterly alien.

A disturbing being stared at them, passive and unmoving, as if the two were strange animals it had never seen before. The head was white, faceless, like a mannequin's. The suit it was wearing was inhumanly neat, with sleeves that were too long. It was not as dangerous looking as the others, but it gave the two a great sense of disturbance, gripping their hearts in a vice.

The last figure standing in the middle was simply put, a beast. A giant humanoid thing clad in black, tubes sprouting from the base of his neck, its yellow corpse-like skin unable to constrain it. It had no lips, and its blocky teeth and red gums were visible to the world. Its head would have torn apart had it not been messily stapled, the flap of skin covering its right eye. The left eye, a pupil-less white orb, watched them.

"STAAARRSSS!" it moaned.

"You know, Argo, you could totally pull of an Ashley look." Kirito snapped his fingers. "And I could be Leon!"

The monster pulled out a rocket launcher, and pulled the trigger.

"Run!"

The players rolled away.

Fire engulfed everything.

Many hours later, the victors stood above the corpses of the losers. She had no idea how, she did not remember how it was done, but somehow, whether by pure skill, blind luck, or Divine Assistance, they were still standing. Argo couldn't believe it.

"We did it," she said, after what seemed an eternity of fighting for their lives.

"Yeah, we did." Kirito's body was covered in cuts, his armour was torn to shreds, and his face was covered in soot. The fire from around them gave an ample light source and she appreciated being able to see if only just a bit.

"… I think I've levelled up like three times already."

He grabbed her by the shoulders. "Argo, you are the most amazing fighter I have ever seen." Kirito brushed away the locks of her hair. "I couldn't ask for a better partner."

Argo wasn't entirely sure what was going on, but she didn't mind the attention.

"Have I ever told you how cute you look with your whiskers on?" Rough hands cupped her face. His nose was nearly touching hers. "I could just kiss your beautiful face." Kirito leaned in.

The young woman closed her eyes, and leaned forward. Her first kiss. A fantasy come true. A warm sensation touched her … nose? And it was wet?!

Argo opened her eyes. Kirito's face was no more, for he now had a dog's face in his place.

"Woof!" barked Kirito.

She screamed.

"Argo! Argo! Wake up!"

"What?! Where?! How?!" she blabbered. The info broker rub her eyes and looked around, and found herself in the living room of the house.

It was bright, daylight had arrived. Last night's campfire was still alive, and another stick of meat was roasted above it. Kirito was looking at her with a worried expression. "Oh, thank God you're not dog."

"Huh?"

"Nothing, it's nothing."

She stretched her back, not feeling any pain from any sudden wrestling maneuvers. "Yeah, yeah. I had a very bad nightmare, that's all." Argo reached for her waterskin and took a swig, feeling very thirsty.

"Uhuh. Anyway, you're in reality now so you're fine. Well, virtual reality. You know what I mean." The swordsman returned to his spot, rolling the spit. "You fell asleep pretty quickly. You must be really tired last night. Or was our chat a bit too boring for you?"

"Is there a basement in this house?"

Kirito looked perplexed. "Basement? No, none I could find. There's an attic, but nothing worth scrounging. This house is nothing special, didn't even have any loot in it. Why? What's the matter?"

"Just wanted to ask," she said.

He shrugged. "Alright." The swordsman pulled out a map from behind. "So, I think I know a decent spot to grind. It's a bit high level for you, but nothing the both of us can't handle."

Argo only nodded as Kirito droned on with the day's schedule. Whew, what a nightmare last night. Monsters, abominations, and ghosts, she could handle. But dogs? She'd rather fight all those monsters herself than be near one ever again.

It took only half an hour to get back on the road. The sun peeked from behind gray clouds and their boots made squishing noises as they trekked on wet earth. Those monsters, fighting all of them and surviving was absurd. But being near Kirito like that, getting an almost kiss …

Dammit, Argo! You're a businesswoman! You can't let something like get to you! She slapped her own cheeks, trying to get the blood rushing to her cheeks to stop. Or virtual blood. Whatever the heck sensors she was experiencing.

"You okay, Argo?"

"I'm fine." She paused for a moment before continuing. "Hey, Kii-bou. Do you have a silver spoon?"

Kirito jumped over a puddle. "Silver? No, just a wooden one."

"I see. So when we're done with this … you want to play a game of strip poker?" she smiled mischievously as Kii-bou's face grew red.

"… WHAT?!" he yelled, sending a flock of birds flying away from their tree. She let out a merry laugh.

Argo was not a fan of horror, but she if she had to choose who to be stuck with in one, it would be with Kii-bou.

Disclaimer: I also don't own the talking Dark Brotherhood door (Elder Scrolls), Pyramid Head (Silent Hill), Dr. Salvador (Resident Evil 4), Alma (FEAR), Scissor Man (Clock Tower), random Slayer (The Suffering: Ties That Bind), random Necromorph (Dead Space), Slender Man (Slender mythos) and Nemesis (Resident Evil 3).

Translations:

[1] "Echa un vistazo a esta motosierra me acabo de comprar!"– Check out this new chainsaw I just bought!

[2] "Yo no tengo un seguro para esto!"- I have no insurance for this!

[3] "Mueren rápido, tengo que volver a ver mi telenovela!" - Die quick, I must return to watch my soap opera!

I basically Googled Translate those lines, so if any of you speak Spanish, feel free to curse at me, and also send in the correct translations.

If you're wondering what's up with the dogs, in canon, Argo is terrified of them. Thus scary dog face. Wow. Much Scary. True horror.

So a while ago, I asked Festus Flare to give me a prompt, to which he replied: "It's Halloween. Our brave swordsman and favourite info broker are stuck inside an abandoned house in the middle of storm." So this story was born.

Yes, I know everyone's preparing for Christmas already, but give me some slack. Something for you KiriArgo fans out there. Apologies for any typos and other errors. I was in a rush to get this out, will fix any and all when I can. Point them out for me, would you kindly?

As for whether this takes place in canon SAO or in the Retold-verse, probably the latter. I tried to make it vague, but I just couldn't do it with the Sword Skills. And if you aren't familiar with that, do check out my other fic, Aincrad Retold, where there has been significant changes to the gameplay mechanics such as no Sword Skills and the existence of pain. I'm also trying to experiment if I could go with full blown comedy. Not sure whether I fail or succeed. YOU be the judge!

To those who are still awaiting chapter 6 of Aincrad Retold, I'll try (keyword: try) to get it out before the end of the month. I thank you for your patience, your favs and follows, and all the great feedback I'm getting. It really does encourage my slow brain to work. I'd go on about how you awesome you guys are, but I'd rather discuss it on chapter 6. Spoiler: You're all awesome.

Until next time, folks. Leave a review, and take care!