This is an OC self-insert with an after university science backstory attached. Enjoy being reborn as Orochimaru!

'Well, I'm dead…Dead as a doornail...I had a good run…

Now I have been sentenced to the land of eternal blackness…

Note the sarcasm…'

You know how in these stories, most people die with regrets? Well, I have one: not being immortal.

Not the eternal youth shit.

I just don't want to die from anything but old age. Ironically enough, the two forms of immortality are not mutually exclusive.

Theoretically; by living healthily, a human without developing cancer or blood/brain problems (e.g. a stroke or blood clots) could live for about three hundred years (the length of time before all your bacteria in you intestines stop breeding and you lose the ability to naturally digest food). Age, and the breakdown of gene structures due to it, is the main natural cause of cancer; aside from family history or smoking. This same process eventually causes your immune system to weaken; and you get finished off by disease or cancer.

Therefore the ability to stop the breakdown of gene structures would also theoretically solve most of a person's natural causes of death; unless they were living unhealthily. Which to me sounded reasonable: Live healthily? Live forever. Live unhealthily? Die; classic Darwin stuff right there…

Sigh…I guess I can't complain too much. I had a bisexual girlfriend all throughout my university career, a girlfriend that legitimately hunted down pretty girls for our bedroom antics. I have educated and rich parents; and because they were doctors, medical knowledge was drilled into my brain simply by living in the same house as them.

Anyone who lives with doctor parents knows exactly what I am talking about.

I actually educated myself on the modern cloning process and the genetic sciences. I even did a genetics procedure in university that went until the sixteen cell group division; at which point it would be placed in the surrogate mother if you were seriously cloning.

Now, since I am dead and I don't remember being killed; I'm pretty sure I just died from a stroke. Had my heart checked already…and it was fine.

So a stroke it is…Damn.

Now what the hell is going on?

Skip one miracle of birth…

'The fuck, what language are these guys speaking? Japanese? Wait what? …Orochimaru? Are they fucking discussing Naruto on the day of my birth?! YOU SONS OF BITCHES!'

Six months later…

'Well; apparently I'm in the Naruto world. And; I AM YOUR FATHER! No; actually I am Orochimaru…

…

…FUCK YEAH! PARTY IN MY HEAD!'

Orochimaru's parents witnessed their darling baby boy performing the world's first air guitar solo whilst lying down. They promptly decided their boy was having a seizure and took him to the hospital.

"Really? His chakra just unlocked itself at six months? That's incredible. Hear that, Osochi-kun? You are going to be our little genius!"

'Oh real mature mom; add an O on sochi and make that my nickname? I guess I will LEARN EDO TENSEI AND TAKE OVER THE NINJA WORLD! Muhahaha!

…ahem, wew… back to normal. Because the ninja world is full of fucking morons who learn about Edo Tensei yet never seem to draw conclusions about actually CREMATING THEIR SUPER POWERED DEAD! But; I guess I will become the bad ass motherfucker who takes advantage of the ninja world's collective stupidity.

...That's pretty much Orochimaru's canon job anyway. These guys probably haven't even heard of the scientific method for testing your hypothesis. I know that from fucking high school! The same high school where I flunked chemistry! I am going to be a fucking genius to these morons. Being taught by the smartest Shinobi and the greatest teacher in the Shinobi world is going to help too –

HOLY SHIT I CAN GET WITH TSUNADE! One meter long breasts…

…

On a completely unrelated note, will reflective glasses work for Sharingan bullshit? I mean; other than the super 'find your centre' shit Itachi was spouting off with Kabuto. Because fuck goggles and I want to dress like Agent Smith at least once in my life –

AND HOLY SHIT I GET TO DRESS LIKE OROCHIMARU!'

"I don't know what's wrong with him Medic Ninja-san. He hasn't made a sound." Mom and the Medical Ninja were peering at me curiously.

'Whoops.'

"Whaaa…?"

'Good enough.'

Six months later…

Have you ever felt utterly cocky? Like really and truly felt; that you were the hottest thing since sliced bread? Like that cocky buff guy you see in the mall; the one with the hot blonde chick around his arm whilst talking to her brunet friend?

This was better than that. I was Orochi – fucking – maru! And the entire world was too stupid to create proper counters against Edo Tensei. My only counters in the future came in the form of the Uchiha clan; aka the guys currently on my side!

And fuck what anyone says; I'm putting a snake summoning seal on Obito. I don't feel the slightest sympathy for Intangibility powers after all. Minato works hard on improving the Hiraishin and one bullshit eye and he dies. One eye! Not even two! No Susanoo either! So here's what I am going to do: summoning seal plus a snake spy.

Yes, yes it's perfect! When Obito 'dies'…Summoning jutsu that shit; remove the eye for insta-win! Wait; let's grab Shisui's eye too! I would legitimately balance the ninja world with those two eyes out of the picture–

OH GOD THIS IS HOW IT STARTS ISN'T IT?! FUCKING KISHI HAS A BONER FOR THE UCHIHA CLAN!

"Happy birthday Orochi-kun! Your father in on an important mission from the Nidaime himself! So he can't make it. *Sniff* I guess you can't understand me yet son…*sniff* you never say anything…"

Oh crap; I so cannot deal with this right now.

"Mama."

"Oh my sweet Orochi-kun! You said your first word!" My mother picked me up and swung me around.

Well learning this language is a bitch! And fuck your writing too! I've got three more years to genius-i-fy myself and get some training techniques from you guys before it's academy time. Not to mention that you both are going to die soon at the end of the first Shinobi World War; turning canon me into Ra's al Ghul…

…

Actually; holy shit that is going to be my code name! I want to be fucking called Ra's al Ghul! And have my own League of Shadows! Well; I guess that's ANBU. But still; I want to be called Ra's al Ghul and call an enemy "Mr Anderson"; at least once in my life!

…

Even if no one gets the joke…

…Ra's al Ghul…

That's like a verbal orgasm.

One year later…

"Mom, Dad. Please can you write down all your techniques? I am terrified that you are going to die before this war is over."

"Silly Orochi-kun; no one is going to die. We are about to form a peace treaty with Cloud. The Nidaime himself is going and your Mother and Father have been charged with defending the scroll themselves! We will be fine."

Well at least they changed the nickname to match my name. So that's how Orochimaru's parents die: they get shat on by the Gold and Silver brothers; who go on to kill the Nidaime after this.

"Please Mama! I don't want to be one of those helpless orphans! I want to be a Shinobi like you and Father! I'll…I'll do anything you ask Mama! I just…want to have a future in this world…" Tears came easily to my eyes.

This child's body cries so easily. Or could it be…?

Dad was a big softy; and told me to eat my vegetables and be good. He promised to write down all his techniques tonight for me to learn. We weren't a clan; but two Jounin parents had a lot to teach me.

I knew it was going to be the last time I would see them.

Two years later...

"Class I would like you all to meet Orochimaru-kun! He is the son of two Jounin and wants to be a great Shinobi like them! Introduce yourself, Orochimaru-kun."

I gave everyone a bow. "Hello everyone. My name is Orochimaru and I am going to be Hokage." I had perfected the cutesy long-haired pretty boy look and pose; and I could tell all the girls found me adorable. I didn't go the loud and stupid Naruto route at least.

I sought out a young Tsunade but didn't see her. I guess she is only arriving next year.

Probably leaning first from the Senju scrolls. Hmm…oh wait! Who's that ninja? Its… Uchiha!

I zoomed in on the girl and made my way to her. I had identified her by the fan crest of the Uchiha clan.

Hehehe…Pokémon references make me laugh. I guess I'll start making friends with her. Who knows; befriend enough Uchiha; become Hokage; and maybe solve all the shit that the Nidaime did. Worst Hokage ever; but I thank him for his techniques.

I sat down next to a female Uchiha; whose facial structure reminded me of my old girlfriend. Yes it was a terribly immature and horrible thing to think about.

I wanted another threesome in this life once I hit puberty. Bite me; I have a pulse…

"Hello, my name is Orochimaru. But I guess you already know that hehe. What is your name, Uchiha-senpai?"

"Naori, Orochimaru-kun. Uchiha Naori." She looked over at me friendlily.

The anime only female Mangekyo user?!

I was ecstatic! I definitely was going to befriend her. Naori also happened to be...er…a bit on the short side. Either that or she was three.

"Let's be best friends, Naori-senpai!"

Cause I am Orochimaru! I'm no convenient plot device for you to kill off to gain the Mangekyo Sharingan! You hear that Kishi?! I WILL BURY YOU IN MY AWESOMENESS!

One year later…

A year passed and just as predicted, Tsunade showed up. Along with Jiraiya; who even now acted like a moron. I just decided to ignore him. But what was really funny was the Senju Uchiha mini wars waged by a chibi Tsunade and Naori.

They competed over everything. Oh and it turns out that Naori was in fact…er…short. I am so glad that the moron Jiraiya made the comment and not me. He got the shit beaten out of him and I got to do the whole 'comforting my bestest friend' routine. Future brownie points scored right there!

And then Tsunade got so adorably jealous; so I gave her a hug too!

Now that I was five years old; in body at least; I could begin focusing on taijutsu practice. Like the Orochimaru fanboy I was; I knew all of canon Orochimaru's stats; jutsu and even hand signs. I felt that if Orochimaru stuck with his own body and actually trained it a bit more; rather than going full on creepy mad scientist; then many things could happen.

My taijutsu, strength and chakra might finally reach the number four mark in Stats. Which is only a half point increase; and not uncommon with the already impressive increase in my Spiritual Energy from an older mind. A bit of hard training and my chakra will go up to a four; maybe even a four point five. Then; since I already know about senjutsu, Jūgo and Ryūchi Cave; I'll score a four point five in taijutsu and a five in strength and chakra once I learn Sage Mode; since it's not toad style senjutsu that focuses on augmenting taijutsu–

OH MY GOD I KNOW THE PROCESS TO CREATE THE RASENGAN! And I have the Wind element.

…

THAT'S IT! My cunning evil plan to become Hokage: Learn…sorry, I mean 'create' the Rasengan. Master my wind nature transformation. Have Sarutobi-sensei teach me the Shadow Clone ninjutsu and 'show' me the Summoning Jutsu.

And that's it; everything I would need to produce myself a training montage (TRAINING MONTAGE!) to power myself up to fight Hanzo. Because if I beat Hanzō; then that will be the feather in my cap to become Hokage. What did Minato do? Massacre the Iwa Shinobi. Hashirama and Sarutobi? Both Gods of Shinobi; Shinobi so ridiculously strong that they had to be in charge.

Tobirama was elected due to nepotism; and he can go fuck himself. Madara should have been Nidaime.

The class went outside and we began our first sparing practice.

"The first match of the year is Orochimaru against Naori Uchiha. Begin!"

Since I already knew what Orochimaru was good at, and I had unlocked my chakra at an early age (birth; but everyone thought I did it at six months) I had begun training my flexibility. Once we were taught the basics in the academy (how to properly punch with a closed fist), I began creating Orochimaru's taijutsu style.

I ran straight at Naori, keeping my body low to the ground, and punched up towards Naori's chin. Her eyes widened at the odd style, but she spun out of the way. She went for a spinning kick; but I pulled a Neo Matrix dodge to slip under her leg.

Bending even further back until my hands touched the ground, I used my chakra to blast my legs up. The tips of my toes caught her chin and immediately after I transferred my momentum into a helicopter spin kick; Chun Li style.

Naori blocked the kick with the side of her right arm, but I had built up too much momentum and sent her flying out of the ring.

Man, I am loving this body.

"Winner, Orochimaru!" The Chunin instructor called it and moved on the next bouts, but we both ignored him.

"Naori-chan! Are you ok?" I asked as I stepped out of the dirt ring and offered her my hand. I had graduated from senpai the moment Tsunade entered the class this year and Naori told me to refer to her in a more familiar manner.

She panted a bit at the utter blitz of attacks I had delivered against her, before nodding and taking my hand to pull herself up.

"What was that? Those were some insane moves. You have a tutor?" Naori asked me, frowning as she suspected preferential treatment.

Typical Uchiha jealousy issues.

I shook my head at her. "I'm making this up as I go along, Naori-chan. I want hard blows; fists, shins and feet; carried by a flexible body. That's the taijutsu style I want to create."

Naori became thoughtful and nodded; "Interesting. Oh look: Princess is up." Naori pointed and we both turned to look at the spar:

Jiraiya versus Tsunade.

The poor bastard. Jiraiya was still a true Dead Last and Tsunade had a year already with the Senju scrolls.

It was a massacre. Jiraiya was beaten black and blue, much to my silent satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong; this guy becomes an utter badass later on. But right now and for a significant portion of his life; the man is a moron.

"Winner Tsunade Senju!" The academy teacher just had to announce her last name; in a tone that sounded as if it was expected for her to win. Tsunade frowned, but started smiling when she saw my waving and cheering for her.

"Good job; Tsunade-chan." God I loved how my voice sounds. I am going to give so many creepy speeches to my enemies in the end.

"Of course, how could the great Senju lose?" Naori was feeling particularly prickly at her loss in front of her rival.

"What was that short stuff?" Tsunade smirked and her before winking at me.

Naori caught it. "What did you call me?!"

"You want to rumble, shorty?"

"Bring it on flat chest!"

"I'm five you moron!"

I clapped my hands together to gain their attention before they started the age old feud in front of me.

"Tsunade-chan! Naori-chan! Calm down. Let's all train together after school instead. We need to work on our Shurikenjutsu if we want to pass this year."

"Hmph." "Hmph." Both girls turned away from each other; but they calmed down at least.

The three of us all walked back to class together; and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jiraiya looking at me jealously.

I gave him a smirk.

I didn't really care about Jiraiya's rivalry with canon Orochimaru, but it was important to the plot for him to have a rival to push himself.

I will once again reiterate: I am loving this body. It's hand-eye coordination was off the charts and I was picking up the techniques of tossing shuriken and kunai at a rapid pace.

Tsunade was better than Naori with kunai; whilst Naori was better than Tsunade with shuriken. I was worse than both of them but my growth rate was utterly explosive. With both of them teaching me their methods, I could visibly see my aim improving with every toss.

"We'll definitely pass this year guys. Speaking of which; does anyone have the instructions to that wall-clinging thing the Shinobi do? If we can learn that then I'm sure we'll blast through the final test."

Tsunade nodded. "It's actually called the Surface-Clinging technique. I wouldn't call it a jutsu; but you channel your chakra through your feet and use it to cling to a surface; usually it's practiced on trees. Too much and you blow off, too little and you slip off."

"Thanks Tsunade-chan! Let's keep practicing for an hour with our Shurikenjutsu first. We'll get started on that technique tomorrow. I know that everyone here has already completed the leaf exercise already. Well; everyone but Jiraiya at least."

We all had a little chuckle; and I think I was the only one who realised that Jiraiya was currently spying on us.

'Bingo; that's all the help you are getting from me Jiraiya. Now let's see how your hard work causes you to pass with us.'

Of course I too would train myself to the bone this year; rather than be a pure jutsu specialist like the canon young Orochimaru, I wanted to be good at everything.

End of the year, post Academy graduation...

"This fresh crop of Genin look especially promising Hokage-sama." A Chunin instructor submitted his reports to their newly elected Sandaime Hokage. The world had just come out of the First Shinobi World War; and the resources of everyone were strained to the limit.

Therefore the younger generation was needed desperately to replace their losses.

"Really? The previous class had the genius Sakumo Hakate in it; but unfortunately not much else. As much as it pains me to predict the future of my Shinobi, I will be pleasantly surprised if the rest make it higher than Chunin."

"Agreed Hokage-sama. This new crop however has three young prodigies, and their origins are far more varied."

"Hmm…" Sarutobi smoked on his pipe. "I assume one of these prodigies is young Tsunade-chan. Who are the other two?"

"Naori Uchiha, Hokage-sama. It seems like fate has a way of repeating itself with the rivalry, although Naori's personality is far less aggressive then Madara's. What makes it even more interesting is the fact that they both appearing to be fighting over the third prodigy: Orochimaru; no last name due to the death of his parents and both being civilian born."

Last names were powerful things in the Shinobi world, and had to be earned. A child may inherit a parent's last name, just like a civilian, but if their civilian parents died then they lost it as a Shinobi.

Orochimaru's lack of a last name was somewhat of a failure in the system: Both parents were Jounin, but neither had accomplished something legendary. Also, neither had given up their civilian names and they weren't legally married. As such, the system treated Orochimaru as an anomaly and defaulted.

"The child of those two civilian born Jounin? Now I am interested; both his parents beat everyone's expectations, becoming Jounin without a legendary sensei or a family history. What's his ranking?"

He was expecting a place in the top third, as both his parents were in the middle during the Academy, but both actually did the time and ate the right food to progress.

"Rookie of the Year, Hokage-sama. Top of the class in everything."

Sarutobi dropped his pipe. 'A nameless orphan crushing clan children? Well this will certainly be one for the history books.'

To earn their own name, orphaned Shinobi born from civilians had to accomplish great deeds or feats. The Hatake family had the Dog Summoning Contract since the Clan Wars; but had never expanded out more than a single family; making them not register as a clan but as a ninja family.

"Are all three aiming for graduation this year?"

"Yes Hokage-sama? Is there any reason –"

"None that you may concern yourself with, Chunin. Dismissed." 'I feel that it is my destiny to teach these children.'

Ripples spiralled out from this single decision: because the Sandaime never took Jiraiya as apprentice, the tradition of paring the Dead Last with the Rookie of the Year was never established…