The Unconventional Romance Paradigm

It was a long and harrowing journey for the tired but brave crew of four friends. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj had any spark of optimism and joy thoroughly stomped out as the approached the parking lot and saw their fate. Their arduous journey through hordes of soccer moms and endless lines was worse than fighting through the gates of Mordor. They suffered through the worst of all providences: A trip to the Burbank Costco on the weekend.

"Why did we agree to this?!" Howard did his best Sean Bean impression, "There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly."

Sheldon rolled his eyes and shook his head contumely, "Okay Boromir. I am not taking advice from a guy who died in the first movie of the trilogy. We can do this! I have confidence in us! More importantly, I need red vines."

"If I have one person hit the back of my ankles with their carts, I am grabbing a leaf blowing and going Medieval on the lot of them!" Leonard needed an extra inhaler just to get through this shopping trip. It was Sheldon's bone-head idea to go to Costco on the weekend, he thought. He should be the one to brave the horde of shoppers.

"It's because you are too short. They can smell weakness, boys. We need to protect our flank. Raj, you guard our six, and watch out for Cub Scout den mothers looking to restock supplies. Avoid the guys with the flats of candy bars and soda, their seasoned warriors with nothing to lose. Anyone hits you, turn around and cuss at them in Hindi. I'll take point, and lead the charge." Sheldon eyed Howard up and down, "I expect some causalities, but you can't make an omelet without crackin' a few eggs. Oh we need eggs!"

"Hey Sheldon, I may be small, but I can weave in and out of this cart filled maze with ease. You stop at the end caps and I'll go in, stealth mode. Okay, Captain Costco?"

"Good idea, Wolowitz. Oh Leonard, no matter how much they beg, no samples! We don't need a repeat of Labor day weekend."

"How was I supposed to know there was dairy in those samples!?"

Raj rolled his eyes as he found a cart. Sheldon wiped it off his travel size bottle of Purell. Howard flashed his Card and they were in, "Because it was bacon wrapped cheese puffs, idiot!"

"But it had Bacon!"

Sheldon eyed Leonard with narrowed eyes, "I think we found our weakest link. Leonard, you man the cart. Any sign of fatigue, and we leave you behind. NO DISTRACTIONS! We get in and out! No extras! We need to make a bee line to the snack section. The girls expect us back within the hour! Let's not disappoint and get through this Sisyphean task!" All four men held the hand in a circle and chanted, "SNACKS! TONIGHT!"

Three hours later, the crew was schlepping up three poorly packed boxes up the four flights of stairs. Sheldon was carrying his latest purchase of red vines while the guys were hauling up three heavy boxes marked, "Johnson and Johnson" and their snack purchases.

"Sheldon! Why in the hell did we have to buy three cases of talcum powder? I mean, you don't have a baby, unless you count yourself!"

"It makes me smell nice and it was on sale. That's all you need to know." Sheldon had a red vine in his mouth continued unencumbered up the stairs while his friends carried his talcum powder.

"I can't believe you left me behind that woman's basketball team! I mean I was lost in a sea of giant Amazons! What happened to never leave a man behind?!"

"We sent you out as decoy, Howard. They were out for blood. You were voted as the sacrifice. Besides, those ladies thought you were cute!" Leonard was elated it wasn't him this time.

As they approached the door, they heard a familiar sound. The girls were arguing again like they did when the boys returned from the Bakersfield Comic Convention. This time however, instead of arguing about Thor, they seemed to be arguing about their significant others. Sheldon was just about to open the door, when Howard pulled him back after Howard heard his name mentioned.

"Shh, let's listen for a while…"

Behind the door, the ladies were all settled in with their wine and bridal magazines. They had been waiting for a long time for the guys to return from Costco.

"I knew we shouldn't have let them go. I mean Costco on the weekend? Howie gets lost in there. I have to pull him away from the electronics with a promise of a hot dog!"

Penny laughed, "Me too! I lost Leonard in there one time for 4 hours! I found him curled up in a ball in the condiments section. Only after we got a berry smoothie did he quit twitching."

"Sheldon always likes to go during the week. I've spent many a date night pushing around a cart filled with toilet paper, toothpaste and mixed nuts containers that would supply the Russian army." Amy had been nursing her first glass of wine, but it had been a long night and she was ready for another. The group was supposed to watch the new Stephen Hawking movie. It had been planned for weeks but at the last-minute, someone opened their big mouth and told Sheldon is was a romantic movie. Instead of fighting Sheldon for hours and ruining the night, Howard downloaded a bit torrent of it and they were supposed to preview it. However, that was 3 hours ago and the guys were nowhere to be found.

"Boy, Sheldon sure knows how to romance the pants off you, Amy! Costco date nights? Even I am not that cruel to Raj, who, by the way, is the most romantic person in the bunch of these guys!" Emily sat back and glared at Penny while swirling her white wine. Penny shot her back a searing look.

"Excuse me, but Leonard is the most romantic of the bunch! He is a romance Ninja." Penny and Emily had been icy to each other all night. It was another reason Amy and Bernie watched the door waiting patiently for their significant others to return; if only to have a distraction from the impending cat fight that they were was going to happen.

All three guys were listening from the other side of the door. As soon as Leonard heard 'romance ninja' his smug smile caused the rest of the guys to roll their eyes. Sheldon sat back, ignoring the conversation as best he could while he got another red vine and sat on the box of Talcum powder used now as make-shift chair. His Vulcan hearing allowed him to hear the entire conversation and at this point, but he was bored to death. The rest of the guys listened intensely:

"HA! I don't think so Penny! It's Howard! I mean come on, you were there when I was in the hospital and Howie brought in his keyboard. A song? He wrote a fricken song for me! Top that, sweetie!"

Penny threw her head back with a snort, "Leonard brought me a snow flake from the North pole! So there, Cinderella!"

Emily did not want to be undone, "Raj makes me dinner every night and the theme matches the songs he picks. Last night he made me spaghetti while we watched Lady and the Tramp. I won't say afterwards who the lady was and who the tramp was." Emily raised her eyes brow suggestively, but Penny was unimpressed as was Bernadette.

"Believe me, he did that before you came along. He and Howie had a standing date night before we got married. He's just using his Howie playbook on you!" Bernie looked at Penny with a slight wink. Penny got another bottle of wine so Emily couldn't see her snicker.

"Snow flake beats dinner, Emily. Sorry." Penny was anything but sorry.

"What about romantic astronomy?" Emily had Penny there. Even Penny found it hard to resist Raj's love filled astronomical charms.

Bernie did not want to be undone. "I have Star necklace from space!"

Penny snapped back, "Leonard bought me a car!"

"Howie moved out of his mother's house for me!"

"Leonard is moving out of Sheldon's apartment for me!" Penny playfully stuck her tongue out.

"Raj's paid for a string quartet to play my favorite Carcass song while we dined on pig entrails!"

"That's not romantic, that's gross!"

"Well, I thought it was perfect! Also, I'll have you know, Raj has named four new Karma Sutra positions after me!" Emily stretched her back just remembering three of them.

Penny pulled the cork out like a pro and poured and extra large glass, "Leonard fought off my ex-boyfriend for me! I found out he stood up to my beefy ex and got the money he owed me!"

"So what! Howie stood up to my dad, and he had a gun!"

"Leonard is romance ninja!"

"Sorry Raj is a romance king!"

"Nope, Howie!"

But the next statement cause them all to forget what they were saying and roar out in laughter.

"Well, you're all wrong! Sheldon is most romantic!"

All three girls started screaming with laugher. On the other side of the door, Raj, Howard and Leonard just looked at Sheldon who had a red vine in his mouth and a gob smacked expression. The licorice slumped down as Sheldon moved closer to the laughter. All four men had the side of their face plastered to the metal apartment door. Raj whispered, "Why on earth would Amy think you are romantic, let alone the most?"

"Shh, I have no idea!" Sheldon pressed his ear against the door.

After the hilarity died down, Sheldon did not see his girlfriend's face tighten up in cold steel resolve or the slight tear at the side of her eye as the girls continued to point and laugh at her.

"Oh Amy, you are so cut off. Sheldon romantic? No more wine for you! We can't take your antics." Penny stole Amy's wine glass and downed the rest of her drink. Amy bit her quivering lip and glared at her.

Bernie was on the floor, still holding her belly, "Sheldon? Sheldon romantic? That guy wouldn't know romance if he was covered in hearts and drunk on chocolate wine."

Even Emily was still laughing, "I haven't know that guy for long, but romance, that's not his thing, girl."

"Yeah! I mean, aren't we NOT seeing the movie, because Sheldon didn't want to…Let me think, what did he say?" Penny looked at Bernie to remember the mocking that Sheldon gave the group almost 4 hours ago.

"We aren't going to some hippy dippy love fest that takes the giant of Science and reduce his accomplishments to some dime store trashy romance novel." Buzz kill! Howie really wants to see that movie!"

Amy was still quiet, waiting for all her friends to stop mocking her. "Ladies. Just because Sheldon doesn't do traditional romance, doesn't mean it doesn't count."

"Kinda does, Amy. Sorry." Bernie tapped Amy's knee, but she pulled away from her friend's condescending touch.

"Yeah, I mean this is the same guy who almost ruin your Valentine's day with some random train guy. What was his name, Edwin… Earl…"

"Eric. And Sheldon more than made up for that. I should have been honest with him from the start and let him enjoy his train trip." Amy grabbed her wine glass back from Penny and poured herself a glass. "Sheldon does romance on his terms. And let me tell you, when he does, its heart stopping, toe curling, and breathtakingly poignant. I have never felt more loved than I do with that man. I never will again. He is not a romance ninja or king. He is a romance god!" Amy raised her glass and then took a large swallow.

"This I got to hear!"

From the other side of the door, the guys whispered the same thing to Sheldon, "Me too! Romance god? What the hell have you been doing with Amy, Sheldon?"

"Shh! I want to hear!" Sheldon pressed his face against the door to hear every syllable coming from his girlfriend. He didn't know what she was going to say; no one did.

Amy stood up and weaved her fingers together. She flexed out her hand and the room echoed with the cracked knuckles, "Well, ladies, strap in and wait for the crap storm of romance coming your way!"

Penny sat up, "Hey! That's my line!"

Amy pushed her glasses up on her face and glared at Penny, "Not anymore, sister."

A/N This story is by request and it is an idea from the Forum from Kelli. She wanted a story titled The unconventional romance paradigm" Here is her posting:

I want it to include all of Sheldon's romantic accomplishments ( maybe as a flashback) including:
1. the cuddle session
2. his judo chop on Leonard for trying to steal his girl
3. the interruption of Amy & Stuarts date 'cause he just couldn't wait any longer to make her ALL his!
4. buying her a tiara because he thinks she truly is HIS princess
5. for that beautifully chosen and recited line from Spiderman
6. for making her so important that he claims her as his 'go to' person in emergencies ( also willing to shell out $2000 for a gift? wow!)
7. for taking extra special care of her when she was sick
8. ready to fight Will for his 'woman'
9. D&D LOVE SPELL!( hot and kinda romantic too, erotic even)
10. for thatmagnificent kiss on the train- which is possibly the most romantic kiss ever ( for a couple that has never engaged in such activities)
11. for taking a test that validates that HE is happy ( but reflects it on Amy being happy as well)

plus any other fluff you might want to add to enhance each of these situations
( all the off screen kisses we have missed and the off screen dates he has had to make up)

Kelli, thy will be done! I hope I do it justice. This will be a short multi-chapter piece. But you all know when I say short, it's a relative term!

Hope you like it!