not fair that I'm eternally yours

Rin's arms wrapped around Haru's and his scent completely filled his mind. He didn't want to let go. He didn't ever want to let go, but his eyes flickered to the time and he knew he had to go soon. He'd get to be in his home for two more hours and then he'd be on a plane flying out of the country in two and a half. Haru was still sleeping, and Rin nuzzled his head against his neck. The alarm would go off in approximately four minutes and then Haru would wake up.

He'd wake up and get Rin up and then the whole two hours would be solemn and sad, with the pair of them exchanging sad, broken smiles every once in a while. He didn't want to go.

His arms tightened around Haru and now he only had two minutes. Haru's breaths came slowly and Rin shut his eyes, wishing he didn't have to go but not regretting it. He never really regretted it.

Then, the clock struck 5:00 am and the alarm clock's beeping filled the silent room. He felt Haru immediately wake up and Rin shifted, pretending to be asleep. He hated this part. The part where Haru realized as well.

It was agony watching Haru's hands reach forward and switch off the alarm and then breathe in and out…he was silent. Rin had closed his eyes by now but Rin knew he was staring at him. He knew he didn't want to wake him either. And yet,

"Rin, I know you're awake…it's time," Haru says, and it breaks Rin. Rin doesn't want to leave. Why why why did he do this to himself?

Rin hugs him closer and Haru sighs, but not in exasperation. He knows it's sadness, just like the dread and sadness that's filling his heart ever so slowly.

"Five more minutes," Rin mumbles against Haru's neck.

"If we do this, it'll just be harder," Haru replies.

"It's hard either way," Rin tries to reason. He shuts his eyes and he can feel Haru shaking his head slowly.

"It'll go wrong. Come on, Rin…get up," he says, and then Haru's gone from the bed. It's cold and Rin is not looking forward to the same feeling for the next eight months.

It's not fair.

And so Rin follows him and with every step against the cold wooden floor, it simply becomes colder, filling himself with dread every passing second.

This is always the worst part.

The car ride is also always one of the worst parts. It's silent and awkward and the feeling in the air only depresses the pair of them more. Rin's fully dressed and ready and he knows that Haru's refusing to look at him. He doesn't understand fully but he can sympathize. Rin sighs as he watches the sun starting from his seat in the passenger's seat.

"I'll miss you," Rin breathes out, not wanting to look at Haru. He can picture him, clutching the steering wheel harder and it's worse because he can hear Haru's sharp intake of breath.

It's not fair.

"I'll miss you too," Haru whispers, turning into the airport. Rin's heart quickens and he wonders if he'll make it out this time around. He hopes he does. There is no way that he'd ever want to leave Haru alone. He doesn't even think he could stand being alone, in every life that would follow afterwards.

"Eight months, yeah?" Rin can feel tears, but he doesn't want to look at Haru. It'd just make the situation worse, seeing that love shine through his eyes. He knows he'd probably make it worse for Haru as well.

It's not fair.

"Yeah," Haru tries to laugh out, but it comes out sounding sad and defeated. He parks the car and Rin holds his breath. He'll be on the plane in just twenty minutes.

It's not fair.

He turns to look at Haru and he finds himself, once more, completely entrapped in Haru's beautiful blue gaze, just look how he was all those years ago where they met at the run-down public swimming pool.

"I love you," Haru tells him and Rin nods, smiling sadly.

"I love you," Rin repeats and they try to seem more positive about it, but they can't. Rin needs to say something. Anything. Something mundane and normal, like a conversation they would have every day of any week. Something that wouldn't bring light to this horrible situation that's occurring right now at this very moment. "Don't buy too much mackerel. Have Makoto cook something for you, okay? Also, don't overfeed the fish this time." Haru nods. Rin knows he knows what he's doing. Distractions.

"The last fish did that to himself. He's the one who acted hungry all the time," Haru tries to defend, but he can see Haru's resolve about the dead fish weaken. Rin grins, finding it completely endearing. Rin glances down at his watch, and Haru's gaze saddens. Rin looks back up at him and like always, he's hit with the realization that this could be the last time he ever gets to see the love of his life.

They're in each other's arms before they can truly think more about what's happening. They don't want to. It's not fair. Rin's lips find Haru's and really, it's magical each time, but now it's desperate. It's pure desperation and despair and they clutch onto each other as if the other were the other's lifeline and it doesn't matter that they're completely still. All that matters is that this could be their last.

It's Haru who pulls away this time. He knows if this continues on, he'll be left, freshly kissed and once again broken.

"Come back to me," Haru says, looking straight into Rin's piercing gaze. Rin only nods and before thinking about it too much, he turns and walks.

He just needs to come back this time.

Two days have passed and Haru's got 242 more days. Haru seems to be counting down the days ever so slowly in his head. It's like this every time. Every. Single. Time.

The anxiety always takes over him the first week or so and he's desperate for something. Anything. He cries, recalling all their kisses…all their touches…everything that he keeps hoping every day will come back to him eventually.

All he can do is hope.

Rin hates this place. He doesn't even know where he is. It's been a month since he last left Haru, and he's already stuck in some cold, dreary country, with a gun strapped over his shoulder. He hates this part. The part where they come in and say they're there to protect them when all they end up doing is killing.

Technically, he gets a call with Haru every Saturday, but when he came rolling in again, after his short break, he was already deployed. Forget calling Haru. Now, he just needed to focus on staying alive just so he can deploy a letter.

They're keeping tabs on the area's perimeter tonight and Rin bites into his cold turkey with furtive desperation that nothing will happen.

A month and two days, and Rin's already wrecked inside.

War was everywhere. He's been dodging grenades and having to watch those who didn't blow up as if they were balloons waiting to be popped. He's thrown up three times already, and now he's separated from his squad. They had to separate because they shelters that were left to hide in were far too small to hide in all together. Now, he doesn't know where anyone is, and all he has is the static on his earpiece.

Static is his only safety as of the moment.

The sound of guns seems to be imprinted in his head and it's on a continuous stream for every passing second in Rin's head.

It's nighttime now, and he can still hear the guns, but they're farther away. He wonders what Haru's doing right now.

If it's nighttime here, then it must be sometime in the midday over there…maybe he's at the pool right now? Maybe he's with their friends. Maybe he's in their bedroom reading waiting for the phone calls or letters that Rin's starting to worry about. He absolutely cannot die. He cannot.

He continues to crouch down, ignoring the hungry growl in his stomach.

Haru hasn't gotten a single letter or call from Rin in two and half months.

But he hasn't gotten another soldier coming up to his doorstep and explain to him any bad news, so Haru's grateful. He still has some hope, and he knows today, he'll probably write another letter. He's been writing letters so often and of course, he sends them all. He wonders if Rin's gotten them, or if Rin can even respond to him now.

He hopes that Rin is safe.

That's all he can really hope for anymore.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Rin's gaze is unfocused and hazy. He saw them. It's been too long. He was lost, but they all were. No one could say anything and he saw them. But then came a fucking grenade out of nowhere. It didn't hit too close to Rin, but it hit them.

The group of what…four of their soldiers? He had recognized two of them from afar, and he knew they recognized him too, and now, dust surrounded his mind. He was on the ground based from the sharp rock stabbing at his back, but he couldn't move.

He was paralyzed. Paralyzed from shock or the aftershock of the grenade, he did not know. Probably both. He was staring the sky, and between the patches of smoke and dust, he could see the sky and oh how it shone to him.

The blue overtook him and suddenly, Haru was everywhere.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He can't breathe, and yet he stands up. He needs to hide. He finds a broken house, and he manages to hide in the rubble. There are shouts in another language, but he knows it's not directed at him.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

He watches them leave the town.

He doesn't even know where he is, but he's happier today. He got to see a mailbox, and he had put his letter in there, stamped and all. He wrote it such a long time ago at first but every day he added more. Nothing was fine.

Finally, they all leave by early morning. At least, that's what time Rin thinks it is. He doesn't really know. His watch was lost long ago.

Haru received the news almost six months after Rin's been gone. The fish was still alive, and maybe he was still eating quite a bit of mackerel, but Rin didn't need to know. But now, he wondered if Rin would ever get the chance to find out what he wouldn't tell him. "M.I.A" pounds throughout his head on repeat every day since he got the news. That was all he had been holding onto. The fact that a soldier hadn't come to "deliver the bad news", and then one day, where he was sat down, watching old home videos that he and Rin had made together on a particularly happy drunk day, he heard the doorbell ring. His heart had constricted. At least, that's what it felt like when he stood up.

He knew it wasn't anyone he knew, and so he knew that it only left one option.

There could only be one option.

But Haru tried to be optimistic on his slow trek to the door, and when he finally got there, he had managed to pick himself up at least a little, but then he opened the door, and when he did, his heart shattered.

Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. K.I.A. K.I.A. K.I.A. He kept waiting for the words to come out of that poor sergeant's mouth, but instead it was MIA. They told him, he could be dead, but no body had been found. They told him his team went missing nearly six months ago, when Rin had just gotten there, and yet, two of those team members have been found, while one was reported dead. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A.

Missing in Action.

Rin wasn't dead. He was missing, and yet Haru nodded and shut the door. He had walked back to the couch and continued to play his home movies before it finally settled in.

Missing in Action.

Haru doesn't remember much after that. He remembers the dry feeling of his eyes after he soaked Rin's pillow with his tears. He remembers dropping one of his coffee cups in the kitchen and starting to cry as he fell over to try and pick them up. He remembers screaming at the fish for dying because he forgot to fucking feed it for days. He remembers crying into Makoto's shoulder, Nagisa's lap, and Rei's arm, but worst of all, he remembers Rin.

M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A.

It was on repeat in his mind and it was driving him insane. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A.

Three weeks have passed since "M.I.A." and now all Haru can do is swim. He swims every day, and then rushes back to his apartment for no reason, as if he expects Rin to be there waiting for him. M.I.A. M.I.A.

He's never there and Haru thinks about how he'd only have a month left if it weren't for those three letters. A month. That's all there'd be.

M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A. M.I.A.

Forever on repeat.

Rin was sleeping when they found him, and by "they" he meant the good guys. His guys. He couldn't even believe it. He was dirty and hungry and battered and he had killed, and yet he couldn't recall any of their faces. Just one. Haru's.

They asked who he was. They asked for his rank. They asked for his mission, and he told them everything, sobbing throughout all of it.

They put him on a gurney. Apparently, his blood loss was too high. That made sense. Or maybe it didn't. He couldn't really remember. They said that the enemy had pushed back, and they were scouting the area for civilians and soldiers. Apparently, according to some of the civilians, he was a hero. He didn't understand how. All he had been doing was shooting. He just needed to stay alive. Apparently, he was the reason they enemy drove out from this town. That didn't make sense to Rin. All he had been doing was shooting.

Shooting forever. He doesn't remember what they said after that because then his eyes were closing and he was sleeping once more. Finally.

When Haru got the news, he cried for two days.

He cried and slept, but he dreamed wonderful things. He dreamed of seeing his love for the first time in what seemed like forever. It's been ten months and apparently, he was found.

He was a hero, they told him, and Haru didn't doubt it for a second. He just wanted to talk to him. He was sleeping, they told him. Was he okay? Yes, yes, he's in stable condition, he'll be with you soon, they told him, and that was enough for Haru for the rest of his days. Because not only had this been ten months of not seeing the love of his life, it was the last ten months he'd be at war. The last deployment had been his last, and after the original eight months, they'd finally get settle down. The both of them.

That was enough for Haru to last for eight generations of lives. It was all he needed.

Apparently, he'd be going home in four days, and Rin wanted to cry. He just woke up, and the first thing he saw around him was technology. His mind connected that to a phone and he asked to call Haru. They told him that they just chatted with him and that was great and all, but he wanted to talk to Rin, not some nurse who didn't know him.

It wasn't fair.

They knocked him out almost thirty minutes later and it's not like Rin cared. Every second that passed was a second closer to Haru.

He was at the airport for the first time in almost ten and a half months, and it was still lining up to be one of the best days in Haruka Nanase's life. In exactly thirty-four minutes, Rin would be coming out of that terminal gate and he'd be there. He'd actually be alive and well, where Haru could run to him and kiss every inch of his face. He was no longer "M.I.A." because he was found.

Haru glanced at the clock. Eighteen minutes. He went and bought a coffee for the two of them.

Six minutes.

Haru tied his shoes five times over.

Two minutes.

The plane was late, and suddenly he was back to waiting for twenty minutes. Haru's nerves were on fire now, and he'd already downed both coffees, so he went and bought some more.

Eight minutes.

Please please please please please please.

Three minutes.

Please please please please please please.

One minute.

Please please please please please please.

Arrived.

So many soldiers came filing out and Haru watched as wives and husbands ran to their lovers, but that didn't matter.

All that mattered was Rin, walking out with a bag thrown over his shoulder, and a bandage on both arms. He had new scars, and Haru was only thinking about loving each and every one of them as he would comfort Rin as he asked for the things he saw and did. Neither one of them liked it, but it always came out in the end.

All that mattered was the way Rin started to look for him, and the light that shone in his eyes when he saw him.

All that mattered was Rin running, or at least it looked like running to Haru, and enveloping him in a hug, dropping the bag he had had so carelessly thrown over his shoulder.

That was all that mattered.

"Yo," Rin laughed into his shoulder and Haru smiled against him at their traditional phrases.

"Hey," Haru mumbles into him. "I killed the fish." Rin laughs into him.

"Good. Didn't like it anyways."

They don't kiss when they pull apart. That's what it's about. It's about the fact that he was there, safe with him. No "M.I.A" anymore. He was here. He was here with him.

That was all that matters.

Four months flew by when the letter finally came in. It was Rin who checked the mail that day and when he opened it up, there he saw it, the fragile looking letter that carried all those memories and thoughts for Haru in Rin's handwriting. He took it and rushed back inside. Haru was sleeping, and after waking him up, he placed the letter in his hands.

Haru looked down at it and noticed all the stamps and all the damage it had to it. And with shaky fingers, he opened it.

…...

December 14th

Haru,

I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. I'm already being deployed next Tuesday and I can't tell you where, but it's gonna be cold. I'll send this soon, I swear. Sorry I won't be able to call.

Love you,

Matsuoka Rin

…...

sometime in early January I think

Haru,

We got split up. Fuck. I'm so sorry, Haru. I'll find my way. I love you so so much. I know this isn't much but it's all I can manage to say right now. Things aren't good. Thing's aren't good at all. There's so many gunshots. It's driving me crazy. I hope you're well.

Love and miss you so much,

Rin

I think it's February

…..

Haru,

I don't know where I am. It's cold. I've killed already Haru and I know we'll talk about this when I finally make it back to you. I'll cry into your shoulder and eventually you'll lay us down where I can just cry into all of you. I'm scared, Haru. What if I don't make it you? I can't. I'm terrified. I love you so much.

love you,

Rin

….

I don't know what today is

Haru,

I'm cold and terrified and all that's keeping me going is you, sweetheart. I know you want me to tell you things like I'm doing okay, but I'm not. I'm not. Some of my friends have died already and you already know, I've shot some others down. I didn't mean to. I didn't WANT TO! Haru. Sorry I can't write more. Love you. Hope you haven't given up on me yet.

Yours forever,

Matsuoka Rin

….

Time is lost

Haru,

I saw a mailbox today and I'm sending this out today. So this is my last letter. I don't know when you'll receive this and if you even will, and I don't know where I'll be when you do, but I love you so much. I married you for all the right reasons and if for some reason, I don't make it out, then please mourn and move on. It's impossible, it may seem, but you have your entire life to live rather than wasting it mourning me. I love you. I love you. I love you. I've loved ever since I saw you in that stupid pool and challenged you because how could I not challenge the gorgeous blue-eyed merman? You've taken my heart over and over and I can't explain how much I am in love you with you. I'm still alive though, sweetie and I'll try making my way back to you. Fuck, I hope I do. Love you.

Eternally yours no matter the events,

your husband, your love, the person who loves you, your Rin.

P.S. If that stupid fish isn't dead when I get back, I'll be surprised but it doesn't matter because I love you.

…...

Haru reads them five times and they cry for a while, but then it's good again. Those days are done. They were memories and they've reunited too many times for them to like. They'll love forever, and that's fine. Everything was fine. They were back, two hearts connected once more. That's all it took, and not even the seas could separate them.

*For rinharu week. Actually fits theme :) Reviews are much appreciated.

bai guys :)

-DiAnna44

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