Hey guys. Huge Femshepley shipper here and decided to write something with my Shep and Ashley.

Summary: It seems like every time Shepard wakes up, there's something different and unsettling happening around her.

Ships: Ashley Williams/Commander R. Shepard (F)

Warning(s): Language, reference to violence and injuries

It seems like every time Shepard wakes up, there's something different and unsettling happening around her.

The first time, with Cerberus, she is a bit disoriented and frightened. Her senses are dulled and her body feels restrained in a way that puts her on edge mentally. She doesn't feel as if she's being tied down to anything but she doesn't feel as if she can move. Like there is an invisible barrier keeping her in place. She imagines standing up, fighting off the stranger that hovers over her but her body doesn't moved. When the woman speaks, she feels like she's under water while she tries to listen. The discomfort from hearing her words make her eyes water unconsciously and she wants to lash out. She wants to control herself.

The second time she comes to, her senses are working a bit too well. She can feel, smell, and taste everything around her. The smell of burning flesh and death, just a hint of failure is in the air. She can literally taste the pain around her, the bitterness of it all makes her feel sick to her stomach. It seems like everything is happening directly in her eardrum and she wants to scream. She wants to open her mouth and release the most primal sound that can come from a human but nothing happens. Instead, she commands her mouth to move but instantly tastes blood, soot, and the saltiness of tears and sweat. She feels disgusted with herself. Disgusted with the way she has to fully concentrate on taking a breath, something as simple as inhaling is a chore and she feels herself beginning to panic. This is it. It's happening just like it had the first time. She feels alive for a moment but then cold realization dawns on her; her breathing pattern isn't right. She isn't getting enough air and she certainly isn't getting it fast enough. Her eyes snap open but she can't see anything. She can only feel stinging in her eyes and the solid blackness that she associates with outer space. It was exactly the same. And just like the first time, no one will hear her when she tries to scream. No one will hear because she's saved them all. She's given herself for them yet again.

That's why she has to die alone. She will die alone because she did what she was supposed to do. The one thing she is good for, saving people, is the reason she has no one and nothing with her when she needs it most. Commander R. Shepard, Savior of the Galaxy, is going to die alone without so much as a dog to piss near her final resting place. She doesn't even have the energy to feel bitter about it.

The next time she wakes up, she expects it to be in some large white room with a single chair and a book. A list of all her sins with some ominous white guy standing to the side ready to tell her if she's going to live in that big Normandy in the sky with the good guys or down in that wretched hotel room she'd shared with 'friends' as a teenager.

Instead she wakes up to a large bright blob above her head. She has no idea what that blob is but she assumes it's a ceiling because that makes the most sense. And it only makes sense because of the level of pain she feels, letting her know that she is in fact alive. Something she hadn't expected but she figures she has no choice but to go with it. The brightness of the area starts to hurt so her eyes slam shut and she waits.

She doesn't need to open her eyes to know that someone is hovering over her. It's the way the air shifts, like there's something obstructing all the fresh air she was breathing and it causes momentary panic. Whoever it is, she assumes they're speaking to her, probably yelling if the sound of the muffles are anything to go by. Still, she can't make out a word that's being said and that is really starting to frustrate her beyond belief.

It feels like the yelling goes on for hours before everything starts to feel warm on the inside and dull on the outside again. She manages to open her eyes for a split second, making out dark blobs hovering over her. She knows she says something, she can feel it with everything in her, but words never come out. Instead, she slips back into a fitful, medically induced sleep and dreams of a time when her senses cooperated.

The very next time she decides she wants to wake up, the smell of the area hits her completely and she's not sure if she turns her head or if someone turns it for her but she does know she's dry heaving into what she hopes is a bucket. It smells like antiseptic and tears with just a little bit of crushed hope. She's familiar with the smell and her mind automatically connects to a medical room of some sort. She doubts she's in a hospital. She may not be able to hear the world around her completely, but she hasn't heard muffled screams or the sounds that only desperation can produce.

What she can hear, however, is what sounds like her name. She's not fully sure, but she turns in the direction she hears it from either way. When she does, she notices there's nothing there, not even an outline so she tries the other direction. When whoever leans over her, she can't make out their face and her eyebrows furrow in confusion and a little bit of annoyance. Having one of her senses behaving like this would have been a bit much but to have all of them a little wonky, well that just won't do. The shadow muffles on at her, touching at her face. She figures it's covered in bandages because she can't feel their skin against hers so there has to be something blocking the connection. Something that she instantly hates

But not nearly as much as the wave of exhaustion that settles on her. She hasn't even woken up all the way and already she feels like she'd been going for weeks on very little sleep. Without meaning to, her eyes begin drooping and the shadow becomes less clear. The way they hover over her unsettles her as she fell into a restless sleep.

Okay, now things are just starting to piss her off. She isn't sure how long she's been out this time, but she's pretty sure some of her hearing should have restored by now. The fact that she still feels like she's drowning while someone speaks to her makes her want to scream but she realizes she can't move her jaw. At least, she doesn't think she can. Instead, she remains still for a moment before her eyes blink open slowly. Still, nothing is exactly clear but this time's a little better. It's darker than it had been earlier but she still can't make out features. That dull, blocked feeling against her face startles her again and she realizes someone is touching at her bandages. A part of her is sure it isn't very sanitary but she really isn't in a position to argue.

No, instead she inhales through her nose slightly, trying to catch a scent. Nothing registers in her mind initially until finally a hint of recognition flickers. She can't place the name, the place or even the reason its familiar but she knows it is a good thing. Almost as if the scent means safety and comfort and she really wants to connect it to a face. At least she has some sort of comfort from this smell even if she doesn't remember what it's supposed to be called. Right now, she'll call it safety and that's enough.

It takes her a while to realize she has no idea what day it is. She wakes up a few more times, getting used to the fact that her senses still won't fully cooperate with her but she never figures out what day it is. She figures at least two days have to have passed since the Reapers so she can't have been out long. Plus, she reckons, being in a medical setting makes time pass by slower. That's just a known fact that everyone accepts.

Still, it would be nice to know what day it is. Or even the time of day

Eight months, one week and three days. That's how long it's been since those ancient fuckers decided they wanted to dance with organic life this time around and the thought sets her on edge. If it's been that long since that final showdown that means it's been eight months, one week and one day since she started waking up and that's problematic. Because even now, almost nine months later, she still can't see properly and she's given up on her hearing. She can't feel some sensations, like when someone touches her face or her hand but she can smell. And with every day that passes, she smells more and more relief and hope and the air and it makes her want to scream. How can whoever be relieved and hopeful when Shepard can't even move?

Shepard has given up everything that could have been and whoever continues to sit with her is happy and it doesn't seem fair. Shepard has never been one for pettiness, except a few occasions, but this is ridiculous. Can't they take their happiness somewhere else? Somewhere where it doesn't feel like Shepard's skin is stretched beyond hope and her lungs don't hurt when she breathes?

Can't they just leave so she could be miserable in peace?

Apparently they can't. Well, she can't. Because that person remains there and only leaves to bathe, she assumes, and eat but that's it. As far as she can tell, they sleep right beside her in what she hopes was a semi comfortable chair while she tries to pull herself back together.

And it only takes one year, one month and six days to do so. One year later and while she can't name the person who spends their time next to her, she recognizes them and that's enough to fill her with relief. The woman, she can't place that name but she can place that smile when she finally manages to see it through a flimsy pair of lenses.

It's the most beautiful smile she's ever seen and it's directed at her. She remembers this vaguely, making her smile. She used to do it, before everything around her went to hell and she remembers that she loved it. If the happiness that shot through her was any indication, she still loved making this woman smile.

"Wow," that voice is the first thing she's heard in so long and she closes her eyes. She can feel the burning in her eyes and the slight sensation of something trailing down her cheek but she doesn't focus on it too long. "...me sinc-..." the voice fades in and out but Shepard soaks in what she can. She greedily tries to memorize it, knowing that it could be a while before she hears it again. "-You-" when she can make out words, she sends a silent 'thank you' to the Big Man because how can she not? She spent so long feeling like a swimmer with a headache and now He's allowing her a gift. She has to thank Him. It only makes sense.

She curses Him and whatever other God she can think of. She curses them until she runs out of words and then curses them some more. She can't help herself. The anger she feels building inside of her every time she tries to do something simple needs an outlet and they were it. Her frustrations can't go past her own mind anyway so why not damn something that can read your thoughts?

And boy is she damning Him. She damns Him because this isn't fair and He knows it. He knows it and yet here she remains, struggling to stand up straight. A year and a half ago, her inability to stand could have been fixed with either enough sleep or enough sobering up. Now she loses her balance because she doesn't know how to distribute her weight onto a leg she can't even feel. This artificial leg is supposed to be just like the original but it isn't.

"There you go." now the voice is just annoying. Sure, at one time it'd been a comfort to her. But that was before she could put a name to it and before they decided to be her personal cheerleader. Now she wants nothing more than for this woman to shut up half the time but she won't vocalize it. She spent long enough without hearing full sentences. She isn't going to give them up now just because Ashley is eternally perky. "You're doing fantastic." Ashley encourages and Shepard only grunts.

"Th-thank yo-you." she manages after a few long seconds. She's getting better at speaking again and it fills her with pride.

"Wanna take a break?" Ashley asks. Shepard nods and lets out a breath through her nose, attempting to even herself out. Ashley holds her hands out to her but Shepard merely shakes her head. She can do this. She can stand up straight without assistance. After a few long seconds of jerking body movements, awkward arm waving and frustration, she does it. It isn't long, probably less than half a minute, but it feels like she's just climbed a mountain. She smiles up at Ashley with pride and the answering smile she gets in return makes the effort well worth it.

"So... This is home?" Shepard asks. Two years and she's finally coming to the place Ashley has been calling home since shortly after the war. For the past month, despite the arguments and yelling, Ashley has spoken excitedly about her apartment. About their apartment as she insists on calling it and Shepard has started thinking of it as home.

"Yep. This is our home." Ashley says proudly. Shepard turns, leaning on the cane heavily and watching Ashley's face. The younger woman glances around, a gentle smile on her features as she breathes deeply. "We've got two bedrooms, a hamster and no food." she said, not noticing Shepard's face as she watches her. "But it's all ours. Liara has been here almost the entire time, keeping the place up and making sure I actually come to it. I know you didn't get to see her much while you were still in rehab, but she was there I promise." she babbles.

Hearing her babble still annoys her, but it also calms her.

"Calm down, Williams." Shepard says, a hint of amusement in her voice. Ashley blushes and looks down, picking at her shirt.

"Sorry, Skipper. It's just that... I've been waiting for this, you know? Not like you have but I've felt some excitement at having you here, in a place that's ours and now that we're here I realize how... Unimportant it really is." she adds softly. Shepard hobbles over to her, resting a hand against Ashley's cheek. She pulls it back almost instantly when she got a glimpse at the scarred tissue but Ashley caught it and held it.

"Ash, its perfect." she whispers. Ashley's eyes light up and Shepard can't help her smile. She glances around. "It's more than I deserve but I appreciate it." she swears. Ashley frowns, ready to contradict her but Shepard gives her a look.

She knows she doesn't deserve Ashley's kindness, her devotion. Not with how she's been behaving but she has it and she appreciates it more than her words can ever express. She knows she's going to have to do her best to make it up to Ashley, to try and earn her forgiveness for the crap attitude she's had in some way.

"Really?" Ashley seems so hopeful and Shepard can't lie to her.

"Really." she says happily. She steps forward but pauses, hesitating a little. "Can I u-"

"I told you, you don't need to ask." Ashley says rolling her eyes. Shepard nods and kisses her gently before pulling back and ignoring Ashley's pout. "Yeah, we're gonna work on that. These fleeting kisses are gonna be a thing of the past pretty soon." Ashley nods, wagging her finger at Shepard lightly.

"I know, I know." Shepard laughs, moving through the apartment curiously. "Know what else we need to work on? Decorating." Shepard calls over her shoulder.

"Home ten minutes and you're already bossy." Ashley jokes.

Nightmares are nothing new to Commander Shepard. She's had them since she was younger but now they're more frequent. Even during the war, they were only coming to her a few times a week as opposed to every night like they are now.

"Hey, hey," she hears from behind her and she jumps. She almost jumps out of her skin as she waits for her vision to settle and she hates that. She'd never been so easily startled before but now waking up in almost pitch blackness, unsure of what was around her terrifies her beyond reason.

"I'm fine." she pants. Ashley's hands are on her shoulders and then her arms are wrapping around her as she calms her breathing. She feels pressure against her stomach and leans back, blinking rapidly. "I'm sorry." she adds softly, her voice breaking.

"Don't be." Ashley whispers harshly. She hates that Shepard thinks she needs to apologize to her for anything. She hates that Shepard sometimes fears her, because Ashley is physically stronger than her now in a way that's noticeable. More importantly, she hates those extinct bastards for causing all of this. "Don't ever apologize for this." she says into her ear before kissing the side of her head. Shepard nods and relaxes into her, resting a hand over hers.

"... It's too dark." Shepard whispers finally. Ashley nods and gives Shepard a light squeeze before letting her go.

"I'll fix it." she promises. She stands from their bed and moves away, grabbing Shepard's data pad and brightening the screen. She sits it in a far corner, nodding to herself at the way it lights up a part of their room. When she turns back, Shepard facing away from her, blanket wrapped around her in a cocoon and she sighs sadly.

"I'm thirty five and I need a damn nightlight, Liara. How can you tell me not to be ashamed?" Shepard snaps as she limps around her living room. Liara watches her patiently, letting Shepard get her thoughts out. "Ashley deserves better. I gotta... She's gotta go." she mutters suddenly.

"Shepard." Liara chastises and Shepard doesn't looked fazed. "Don't say that."

"Now you don't want me to tell the truth?"

"She loves you. Trying to get her to leave will take extra energy and cause unnecessary pain." she reasons and Shepard glares.

"Staying with me will take extra energy and cause unnecessary pain." Shepard retorts.

"If someone is worth it, no pain is unnecessary. And I don't see how supporting you can be painful."

"Remember last week?" Shepard asks. Liara cringes.

"Okay, I'll admit you can be harsh and hurtful." she concedes. "But you're getting better."

"I still hurt her and that's unacceptable." Shepard admits softly.

"Then be better." Liara responds firmly. Shepard eases onto the sofa next to her and leans back, flexing her still new hand. She looks at the limb, the way her fingers close and open and sighs. "Shepard, it's been a long couple of years for you, for both of you but if you're really worried about how you treat her, put as much energy into being better as you do into learning how to move normally and you'll be fine. She loves you. Let her." Liara adds softly.

"I thought my best friend was supposed to take my side, no matter what." Shepard huffs, knowing she's been beat.

"No," Liara laughs lightly. "Your best friend is supposed to tell you when you're being an idiot and stop you from doing stupid things." she corrects.

"Miranda encourages my creativity that you call stupid things." Shepard reminds her. Liara scoffs.

"Miranda likes to study the outcome of your idiotic schemes."

"They're not schemes. You make them sound like I'm up to no good." Shepard huffs, clearly insulted. "Everything I do is innocent and harmless."

"We've got energy bars. Time for some biotic ball!" Jack hollers as the door opened. Liara shoots Shepard a glare and she shrugs.

"Mostly harmless."

"Oh my God!" Ashley squeals when Shepard lifts her. Both from surprise and happiness.

"Hey beautiful." Shepard smiles at her and Ashley wraps her arms around Shepard's neck.

"This is unexpected." she hums as Shepard spins them in a circle. When her feet are back on the ground, Shepard pulls away completely.

"So is this." Shepard says excitedly, concentrating on her right hand and watching her biotics flare. She hears Ashley gasp and looks up in time to see the tears in her eyes. "I know I don't ne-"

"You can use your biotics." Ashley whispers in awe. She hugs Shepard closer to her and sighs happily. Shepard smiles a little and kisses the side of her head.

"We need to talk." Shepard says after a few moments. Ashley tenses, obviously expecting the worst but she covers it well enough.

"Skipper, starting a conversation like that is a sure way to give your girlfriend without heart problems a heart-attack." She jokes. Shepard only smiles sadly as she motions to the sofa.

"Four years ago, we faced what would be one of our toughest enemies to date. Enemies that we could have tried to prepare for, had we all pulled our heads out of our asses and listened to a woman who worked tirelessly to not only warn us, but to protect us. I don't think anyone has any misconceptions about our preparedness; our chances of beating them would have still been low, but we would have been united earlier and possibly lost less." Ashley begins, clearing her throat and looking down. She glances up, catching Liara's eye before looking over the rest of her friends, her family that sat before her.

"The war cost us all so much; family, friends, even ourselves in some cases," she glances over at Shepard who looks down at her hands. "But more than that the war brought us together in a way that otherwise wouldn't have been possible. Where we lost fellow soldiers, we gained siblings. Where we saw the worst, we also saw the best. In the end, everyone stepped up and played their part in making today a possibility." Her voice cracks and she tries to smile. "When the Reapers hit Earth, a part of me lost all hope. I felt like everything was over and nothing we could do would save us but…" she shakes her head, looking to Shepard again. "But this hard-headed, biotic charging bull here," she smiles when everyone, including Shepard, chuckles. "Wouldn't accept that. So she fought harder than I knew a human could fight and she risked everything so we could all stand here and pick on her today." She swallows thickly.

"But in the end, the price she paid was higher than we could have imagined. She lost people, family, but she continued on. She pushed forward to stop the Reapers and then an even bigger battle began for her. But in true Shepard fashion, she pushed through that, all of the blood, sweat, and tears of rehab. She pushed through with a smirk and a sarcastic quip for everyday she woke up and I admire that. I admire the strength and the resilience that she's shown but most of all, I admire the compassion that she still has to this day. Over the past three and a half years, she's apologized to me for every slightly mean word, every yelled phrase and every ounce of hurt she's shared with me and I ju-" she pauses, wiping at her face and shaking her head. "I just want to say that I've forgiven her each and every time and as of today, I'm going to do so for the rest of our lives." She can't look away from Shepard at this point. Shepard, for her part, looks down in embarrassment but her eyes snap right back up to Ashley's.

"I know you're all getting sick of me babbling away but I have a point and it's comin' up, I swear." She jokes. She faces Shepard again and takes a deep breath, "My point is that I feel so incredibly… blessed to be in this position today. To be here with all my family and friends because one woman thought it was a good idea to punch an ancient machine in the face. But even more blessed because I get to… I get to spend every waking moment of the rest of our long lives reminding this woman that even though she's the Savior of the Galaxy, I'm the boss in this marriage." She adds lightly causing Shepard to laugh. "So thank you, Regan Shepard for saving us and making today possible." She finishes, smiling when everyone claps. Shepard stands, only losing her balance a little and clears her throat.

"What she meant was 'Shepard you are amazing and I'm so lucky I get to touch your butt now'." She insists causing Ashley to roll her eyes good naturedly and for their guests to begin chattering. "I should have expected something sappy from you." Shepard says as she leads her new bride to the dance floor. Ashley chuckles and wraps her arms around Shepard's neck.

"Yes, you should have." She nods firmly. They sway together, forgetting the world around them.

"Thank you." Shepard murmurs quietly. Ashley merely smiles and shrugs, leaning forward to steal a kiss. "For everything." She adds.

"I told you I wasn't going to lose you again. The moment you said those words to me on the Normandy was the moment you sealed your fate. You've got your very own Ashley Williams for life. Don't you feel lucky?" she teases lightly. Shepard grins and nods.

"Incredibly." She says seriously. She spins her wife around, smiling when Ashley spins right into Vega's arms. She looks around, watching her family interact on the happiest day of her life and sighs in contentment.

Every time she wakes up, there is something different. Those first few moments of disorientation and blurred vision are always just a little frightening but she can handle it. At least she can now. Because now, looking at her family once more, she knows that no matter where she wakes up, she won't be alone. And that's enough to comfort her.

"Shepard! Gotcha a new nightlight!" Joker says before clapping her in the shoulder. "Ow. Are you sure your shoulder isn't made out of some kind of rare metal?" he whines, shaking his hand. Shepard only chuckles and closes her eyes again as peace washes over her. Yeah. Knowing she isn't alone is enough to comfort her.