Paradoxical Instincts

Chapter Four:

I Suffer Through Some Haikus

When I next awoke, I was tucked underneath a heating pad and a blanket. I was in an infirmary bed, which was frivolously massive for me, considering that I was still a cat. I wiggled my way out of the sheets and eased myself to my feet. As I stood up, my head throbbed. "Ow."I whimpered and rubbed my head with a paw.

Memories of the night came to me slowly and disjointedly. With a jolt, I realized that everyone must have spend the better part of the morning searching for me. Guilt flooded through my feline body. I should have known better, should have seen that storm coming and stayed inside.

Idiot! I mentally chastised myself.

Pleasant laughter reached my ears, and I turned my head to gaze curiously at the curtains separating my bed from the rest of the infirmary. I recognized the voices as they quietly chattered: Will's, Jason's, Percy's, Annabeth's, Piper's, and more. My friends, whom I didn't even deserve, not after what I put them through.

Will spoke again, too softly for me to hear. They all started laughing again.

Will. He had done so much for me yesterday when I had been nothing but been grumpy all day. Really, he'd always been there for me. The two years that had passed since I returned to Camp Half Blood for good would have been a lot harder if I hadn't have had him supporting me along every step of the way. I started to realize that he always understood that I wasn't yet ready for... well, anyways, he'd been waiting patiently for me all this time.

Will Solace was a wonderful person. He made me feel special, even... loved.

And that frightened me.

Panic started to grow in my chest. I still wasn't ready. Guilt and anger at my fear wrapped my heart like a fist. I felt like I was suffocating in my own shame.

The window above my bed caught my eye. It was propped open and the warm sunlight was streaming in. Even though I knew I shouldn't, I needed to escape. "I'm sorry, Will." I meowed miserably, before scaling the nearby medical cabinet and leaping out the window.

It was afternoon. The camp was lively with demigods of all ages. However, no one seemed to pay much attention to the black cat slinking across camp.

I wasn't really sure where I was going until I reached the lake. The shore was peaceful, only disturbed by a few empty canoes tied to poles that jutted out of the moist dirt. Small waves decorated the lake's surface, glittering in the light of the setting sun. I settled down at the edge of the water and gazed thoughtfully at the gorgeous scene.

Perhaps I would simply leave forever. Before the battle with Gaea had concluded, that had been my original plan. Living a solitary life was easy. I didn't even mind the thought of being a cat; it would make going unnoticed easier. It's not like my friends needed me anyways. I couldn't make them laugh like Leo, or sooth them like Piper. I wasn't a leader, like Percy or Jason, nor was I the brains of the operation like Annabeth.

Besides, if I left, then I would never have to worry about what to do with my romantic feelings. Running away was the easiest solution to them.

"You look awfully blue!" I jumped a foot in the air, my fur fluffing out automatically. To my left, a bright red cat was grinning at me. "And I don't mean your fur color." It was strange to be able to understand the other cat's meowing.

"Um." I meowed, stunned. I didn't think that we had feral cats around camp. "I'm fine, thanks."

"Really?" The red cat asked, playfully frowning at me, "Then why are you thinking about running away?"

My mouth dropped open. How did this cat know that? "W-what?" I spluttered.

The red cat sucked in a big breath, before dramatically announcing, "Pain only gets worse,

When you try to run away,

You need to be brave!"

A haiku. Back when I was a kid, I had had the pleasure of meeting the Greek god Apollo. He had been more than happy to share his grandiose haiku's with us. I stared at the cat in front of me and realized that the red color of his fur was flickering, like it was made of fire.

"Apollo?" I meowed in surprise.

"Long time no see, Nico!" The grinning god-cat sat and wrapped his his flaming tail around his paws. "I'd say you've gotten taller, but you've actually gotten much shorter... by about five feet, to be specific."

I sighed. "Yes, well, I was sort of turned into a cat."

"I can see that! It's a good look for you."

"What are you even doing here, Apollo?" I asked, annoyed.

"Oh, you know," He meowed, waving a paw casually, "just checking up on my kiddies. They grow up so fast. One minute, they're tiny toddles, and then next they have a crush on the son of Hades." Apollo winked at me.

Oh, great, I thought sarcastically, not only does the entire camp know, the gods do too. My cheeks burned. "That's... that's not a good thing." I muttered, feeling guilty all over again, "Your son is better off without me."

"Oh, poppycock!" I blinked in surprise at the god's sudden out burst. "That's not true and you know it."

Scowling, I retorted back sharply, "How do you know what's best, Apollo? You're a god. Love is easy for you."

I wasn't expecting the wistful gaze that he fixed on me. "Love's never easy, kiddo, not even for a god." he cheered up pretty quickly and launched into another haiku, "Letting someone in,

Your biggest challenge so far,

Is overwhelming."

Dropping my gaze, I stared down at my cat paws. Apollo's haikus were silly, but that last one had gotten dangerously close to the truth. Kissing, dating Will meant having to let him in. I hadn't really opened up to anyone since Bianca died. In a way, all my other excuses were just that: excuses.

"... I'm not sure if I'm ready." I admitted shamefully.

Apollo smiled kindly at me. "We're never ready, Mr. di Angelo. Love is a leap of faith."

"And what happens if it... goes wrong?" I asked softly.

"Then you can run away. But if you never try, how will you know? How will you feel, looking back, never knowing what could have been?"

For some reason, I thought of Bianca, leaving on the quest with Percy and the others. I hadn't gone with her, and, even though I hadn't even had the option, the what if of if I had gone too had forever afterward burned in the back of my mind. I would never know the answer to that what if.

Could I live with myself, carrying around another what if? "I... don't want to regret..." I pondered aloud.

"Good." Apollo said kindly, then jumped back to his paws. He took several long strides towards me and raised a paw. When he tapped it to my shoulder, I felt warmth spread throughout my system. It felt sort of like courage in the form of heat. The fear released some of it's grasp on my heart and a sensation of peace filled me all the way up to my tail tip. I realized, suddenly, that I could do it. I could try that leap of faith.

"Thank you." I meowed, surprised at his gift.

Apollo laughed and teased, "You're welcome. Now, go woo my son, lover boy!" The glare from the setting sun blinded me for a moment, and when I could see again, Apollo was gone.

I returned to staring at the lake, flicking my tail as I thought. The idea of a leap of faith still terrified me... but now, with warmth in my veins, I knew that I could do it. Maybe it would work out, maybe it wouldn't. If it didn't, it would be terrible... but, I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try. I bit my lower lip nervously.

Then, I decided. I decided would try because it might work out. I would try because, while a solitary life would be easy, it wouldn't be happy.

I wanted happy.

It was time to stop running from my tumultuous feelings.

The last light of the setting sun set the camp aglow as I padded back to the infirmary. Demigods all around me were wrapping up their evening's activities. Hephaestus kids were hailing their latest inventions and crafting back to their cabins. Demeter kids were bringing in the latest haul of fruits and vegetables from the fields. Clovis was taking his pre-dinner nap under the shade of Thalia's tree.

It occurred to me that I could never really leave Camp Half Blood. I didn't have the heart to. It was home.

As I approached the Big House, I saw Will jogging down the steps. My heart started to speed up. When he saw me, he started yelling. "There you are! Gods dammit, Nico, you can't just wander off like that!" He was annoyed. I couldn't help but grin a little. Will was a stickler for proper patient care and it was, well, adorable.

He started storming towards me, yelling at me for wandering off. My mouth went dry. Now or never. I told myself.

I dashed at him. My cat ears were burning. I focused on only Will. Right before I jumped, panicked thoughts ran through my mind: oh gods oh gods oh gods, I can't believe I'm doing this! I landed on his chest and dug my claws into his shirt.

"N-nico, what are you -!" He blurted in astonishment. I didn't let him finish. I hefted myself upward, squeezed my eyes closed, and smashed my flat cat muzzle into his lips. It was weird for a split second, and then smoke exploded outward.

My entire body throbbed. Several things happened all at once: clothes replaced my fur, my tail disappeared, my ears migrated to the sides of my head, and I became much bigger.

Big enough to throw Will off center; we both fell backwards onto the ground, me on top.

My lips were on his. Heat rushed to my face as I clumsily kissed him. This was my first kiss and I hadn't a damned clue what I was doing.

Will moaned into my mouth before his hands reached up and tangled in my hair. I gasped as Will began to kissed back fiercely. Two years of yearning had led to this moment. My heart was pounding in my chest.

When we finally broke apart, we were both panting. Will's face was bright red.

Giggles erupted from the porch and I froze in absolute horror. Several demigods were leaning on the railing of the Big House, watching us with big grins. My gaze swept over Percy, Annabeth, Jason, Piper, Lou Ellen, Cecil, Clarisse, the Stoll brothers, and a couple of others. Lou Ellen winked at me.

They had watched me knocked Will over and make out with him. If my cheeks could have gotten any redder, they would have. Oh my gods, I thought, the sensation of panic gripping me again. Why was privacy impossible around Camp Half Blood?

"Um. Wow." Will murmured, looking dazed.

I glanced at him, then at the crowd, and then back to Will. All the courage that I had had a minute ago was vanishing. I was too flustered to function properly.

It didn't really count as running away if I planned on eventually coming back, right? All of the warm courage that Apollo had gifted me had fizzled out of my system.

Since the sun had set, large shadows were draped from the buildings around camp. One of said shadows happened to be only a foot away. Internally, I thanked my father for my shadow-travel gift, as I rolled off Will and let the tendrils of darkness whisk me away. I could hear my friends calling after me as I faded into the shadows.

I didn't go far. After all, I wasn't looking to run away from Camp Half Blood. I reappeared in my cabin.

The silence was calming.

My heart was still pounding. I just kissed Will Solace... Groaning, I rubbed my face. … and everyone saw. At least the first part was good. The fact that he had kissed back made me want to dance (but not really, because I do not dance). I allowed myself a small smile.

The very next thing I did was take a shower. I reeked of wet cat, which wasn't a pleasant smell. It felt wonderful to let the hot water cascade over my face; my normal, human face. I scrubbed my skin with soap until it was raw. The next time I saw Will, I wanted to smell good, rather than remind him of waterlogged felines.

When I finally climbed out of the shower, the entire bathroom was full of steam. I had to resist the animalistic urge to shake like a wet dog. I might have not been cat any more, but I could still feel some of the cat urges. (Ugh!)

Towels were better than shaking. I dried myself and headed out of the bathroom. Technically, it was about dinner time, but I wasn't ready to face the rest of the campers. I threw on some pajamas and flopped, face first, onto my bed.

My sheets smelled like lavender and campfire. Like Will. I sighed, content.

A thunderous knock on the door jolted me off the bed. Nervously, I went over to the door. There was a good chance it was just one of my friends, here to tease me or to gossip excitedly about my romantic life. I already expected that eventually from Lou Ellen, Hazel, Piper, and probably even Jason. However, there was also the chance that it was him.

It was him.

I opened the door and found a determined Will Solace staring me down. Before I could form a coherent sentence, he pushed his way into my cabin and slammed the door behind him.

"Uh, W-will!" I stuttered with alarm, blushing as he closed the distance between us.

He didn't reply. Rather, he reached out and wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. I found myself staring into his blue eyes for about a quarter of a second before our lips met and my eyes fluttered shut. Will kissed me passionately, his lips moving with mine. I whimpered as he nipped at my bottom lip.

The kiss was intoxicating. My legs felt like jelly; the only reason I was standing was because I was braced against Will.

When we finally broke apart, Will whispered huskily, "I've been waiting a long time to kiss you like that, Nico."

I stared at him, my breathing ragged. He'd waited for me. Guilt washed over me, and my head drooped. "Thank you..." I muttered softly, "For waiting." I'm sorry it took so long.

His fingers gently pushed on my chin, raising my head. Will's trademark smile was plastered on his face. "You were worth waiting for." The big dork knew exactly what to say to make my heart skip a beat.

That night, neither Will or I participated in the roasting of marshmallows or friendship-building campfire songs. No, Will and I spent the rest of the evening together in my cabin. By the end of the night, I had the shape of his lips committed to memory. I never wanted him to leave. Unfortunately, the cleaning harpies had different plans: shortly after curfew, they burst in and scared the living Tartarus out of us both.

A week later, as Will and I planted cat balls and pig balls that we had pilfered from Lou Ellen's stash in the bunks of everyone on my revenge list (we were mailing one to Hazel), we reminisced happily on how he had barely escaped the harpies unscathed.

- x - x -

- x - x- AUTHOR'S NOTES - x - x -

Well, that was fun. C: If you liked this, make sure to check out my other fan fictions! I'm currently in the middle of publishing and writing what will be my longest Solangelo fiction ever, Cobalt Blue.

- x - x -

- x - x - TIDBIT #4 - x - x -

The next time that Will broke curfew, he took more precautions. He wanted until the rest of his cabin had fallen asleep before he silently crept out of bed, yanked on his shoes, and slipped out of the front door. Also, instead of wearing his usual orange Camp Half-Blood shirt and shorts, he was wearing his black spy gear. In addition to his black clothes, Will covered his mop of blond hair with a black beanie.

Nico was asleep when Will reached his cabin. Grinning deviously, Will sneaked into the Hades cabin, making sure that the door didn't click as he closed it.

The two boys had been dating for roughly two weeks. However, much to Will's frustration, they hadn't had another chance to make out feverishly (like they had the last time Will broke curfew). Every time that Will had gotten Nico alone, something would happen or someone would suddenly appear. From Jason bursting into the cabin during the day time to tell them excitedly about his newest shrine to Kayla bursting into his office in the infirmary to let him know about some kid who'd gotten speared, it had started to feel like the entire camp was working against them.

That's why Will had decided to revert to extreme measures.

The bed creaked as Will eased himself down at the edge of it. Nico muttered softly, but didn't wake up. Giggling, Will brushed some of his boyfriend's black hair out of his face. Nico looked downright adorable when he was sleeping.

Leaning down, Will pressed his lips into Nico's cheeks. "Wake up, sleeping beauty." He hummed pleasantly. At first, Nico grumbled, still asleep, with his face twitching as he weakly pushed at Will's face with a hand. Laughing, Will continued to leave little kisses along Nico's face, dropping down to his jawline and working his way up to Nico's ear.

Nico murmured again, his eyes opening just slightly.

Will placed a kiss on Nico's ear before leaning back. Yawning, Nico started to blink sleep out of his eyes. When he noticed Will staring down at him, he froze in surprise. "Uh, Will?" Nico murmured with confusion. "What are you doing here?"

Reaching forward, Will gently cupped Nico's cheek. "I wanted you to myself for a little while." He explained mischievously, before leaning back down and pressing his lips to Nico's.

When he pulled away again, the paler boy's cheeks were flushed red. Will loved how easily Nico blushed. "O-okay." Nico breathed softly, before tentatively grabbing Will's collar and pulling him down for another kiss.