Yeah I know everyone seems to do a rules fic but I really could not resist!
They're not really in chronological order, mostly, but if you guys have any ideas for any rules to add please tell me, I'm not gonna update this regularly since I'm more concerned with writting Soul in a Spark but I just thought this would be a fun little thing for when I have the inspiration.
So yeah tell me if you guys think up any rules to add.
By the way the bits in brackets are usually comments from Lennox and Epps, occasionally Faelan but since she's invovled in about half the rules... *shrugs*.
Hope you enjoy!
Rules to surviving Cybertronians, N.E.S.T., the Weapons and Faelan.
(And yes she gets her own warning. Any girl who created the Weapons, can Spark new Cybertronians and is a trigger happy, blade wielding pyromaniac deserves her own S.W.A.T. response team, never mind a warning.)
1) Whenever Jazz and Faelan start cackling together run for the fucking hills!
Everyone froze as the sound of cackling came over the intercom, Epps and Lennox exchanged uneasy glances while the Autobots fidgeted for a moment.
"You know, I need to go on patrol," mumbled Optimus hurriedly transforming into his alt-mode.
"I'll go with you," insisted Ratchet. "Need to be more active and get out of the med-bay for a bit."
Ironhide shot them betrayed looks as they both peeled out of the hanger at high speed, he glanced down when he saw movement on the floor and scooped up the two humans before they could make a run for it.
"Oh no you don't, if I have to deal with them so do you," he growled.
"Come on man! Don't make us deal with those two!" cried Epps, Will just sighed in resignation.
Meanwhile in the security room Jazz and Faelan were watching the cameras with amusement.
"I really don't know what that says about our reputation," mused Faelan watching Epps trying to escape Ironhide so he could run away.
"It says we are amazing," said Jazz cackling again. "Don't even need to do anything to scare anyone."
Behind them Barricade shuddered and went back to fiddling with a data file to try and ignore them, these two were terrifying because they didn't even need to try to scare others. He was very glad he'd switched to the Autobots now, although he was sort of looking forward to seeing what they'd do to Decepticons on the battlefield.
2) The Weapons are violent and overprotective so don't piss off/hit on/hurt/insult Faelan in front of them.
"I don't see why a kid is so high up the command chain," grumbled one of the new recruits. "It's not right her being able to order us around." He didn't notice the soldiers around him go silent as Sirius and Lupus came up behind him glaring. "I mean-"
"I'd think very carefully before finishing that sentence."
He froze and turned slowly, the feral twins had both pulled out their gauntlets and were flexing their hands menacingly.
He gulped nervously. "Well I'm not wrong-"
The other soldiers all scattered as the twins growled and pounced on the man. The next five minutes were filled with screaming until Ratchet came to see what all the noise was about and ordered them to bring the fool to the med-bay.
"What did he say?"
"He insulted Our Lady."
"Ah… I'll tell Ironhide in time for training."
3) Never mind the Weapons, don't flirt with Faelan full stop. Just don't. It isn't worth the pain.
Faelan twitched and continued glaring at one of the new tech guys who had decided to hit on her, she was seriously going to hit him soon if he didn't shut up.
"So did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Good grief.
"Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes."
Unfortunately her glaring didn't seem to be discouraging him.
"Do you have a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants."
Ok that's it.
When Optimus lectured her later about not attacking fellow N.E.S.T. members and putting them in the med-bay for two weeks she sat there in silence until he asked what exactly the man had done.
She grimaced. "He wouldn't take a hint. Those were worse pick up lines than Sam's, and I didn't think that was possible."
"He was trying to… court you?" asked Optimus unsure.
She scowled, "I think it was more along the lines of wanting to fuck me but yeah kinda." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Be glad he only did it when I was alone, Jazz would have castrated him."
Prime winced, yes his lieutenant would have done a lot worse than breaking his nose and both arms.
4) Don't piss off Ratchet. He's the medic and knows exactly how to dismantle you. Humans are not excluded.
Everyone froze as a roar of rage came from the direction of the med-bay.
"SIDESWIPE!"
Faelan blinked and looked up at Jazz who was smirking smugly.
"Told you we wouldn't get blamed."
She snickered and turned to look as Sideswipe came haring into the hanger with a look of sheer panic on his face.
"Hide me!"
Ironhide snorted and moved back to lean against the wall. "No way, if you pissed off the Hatchet then you deserve whatever is coming."
"I didn't do anything!"
"And exactly who else would glue all my data pads to the desk?" growled Ratchet stomping into the hanger looking furious.
Seeing everyone turn to look at him Sideswipe whimpered. "Ok so maybe I've done that it the past but it wasn't me!"
Jazz sniggered and carefully crept out of the room carrying Faelan in one servo still listening to Sideswipe protest his innocence.
"And that's why you don't piss off Ratchet," Jazz said. "Not unless you're sure you can blame someone else."
They paused frowning as there was abrupt silence from the hanger for a few seconds before…
"JAZZ! FAELAN! GET BACK HERE!"
"You said he wouldn't blame us!"
They glanced back and saw Ratchet speeding towards them in alt-mode with all sirens blaring. Jazz cursed and transformed around her so she landed in the front seat.
"Shut up and let me drive! I don't want to be dismantled!"
5) Don't get injured doing something stupid. Ratchet doesn't treat stupidity. Not without tying you down and lecturing you for four hours any way.
Ratchet stared in disbelief at Sam who had reluctantly come to the med-bay when he couldn't fix it himself and people kept laughing at him.
"Why the pit did you put a light bulb in your mouth?"
"Fhhlnn tddd mhhh buuu dsss fnnn shhh rdddd ohnnlnn."
"…What?"
Sam sighed and pulled out a note book and pen scribbling out his message.
'Faelan told me about this thing she read online. It was about how you can fit a light bulb in your mouth but can't get it out. I wanted to see if it was true.'
Ratchet stared for a few moments more before pinching his nasal ridge, he didn't get paid enough for this… actually he didn't get paid at all.
He scowled and strapped Sam down to the chair and started his lecture on idiotic ideas, especially ones that came from Fae, really he should know better!
Sam whimpered and tried to sink into the chair, he couldn't leave anyway because he needed Ratchet to remove the light bulb, his jaw was really starting to ache.
6) Don't make a big deal about Barricade and Blackout being Decepticons.
a) They still half behave like Cons and have no qualms about threatening you.
"I'm just saying," complained one of the newbies. "They were Decepticons! How do we know they're really on our side?"
"You don't." The soldiers jumped and spun around to see Barricade and Blackout standing behind them and smirking.
"W-well-"
"Listen fleshy," growled Blackout leaning close. "If you don't stop making a fuss about us being ex-Cons then we will show you why we were accepted as Cons in the first place."
"I'd like to use you as a stress ball," mused Barricade absently. Blackout shot him a disgusted look.
"Seriously? Don't do that 'Cade, the blood gets everywhere and it takes forever to clean the bits of bone out of the gears."
THUD. They both glanced down to see the newbie passed out on the floor.
"What did Splitskull suggest that one time?"
"What, locking them in a trunk so they think we've eaten them?"
"Yeah! Let's do that!"
b) Faelan and Jazz will take exception to it and prank the hell out of you.
Everyone on base was woken up the sound of high pitched screaming.
Ratchet grumbled and made his way to the main hanger to see who was making that racket, and probably to throw a wrench at them to get them to shut up. What he found was Jazz and Faelan looking very smug, he groaned, what the pit had they done now?
"Alright, what did you do?"
"Just taught Sideswipe a little lesson," replied Faelan.
Ratchet sighed, "What did he do?"
They were saved from answering by Ironhide entering the hanger looking very amused. "Why is Sideswipe hanging from the ceiling by his pede covered in honey and feathers?"
Even Ratchet couldn't help the burst of laughter that escaped, well it was nice to see Sideswipe finally being the one pranked for once.
Jazz gave them a sharp smile. "He was taunting Barricade for being a Con again."
"Ah."
7) The two Cons are very grateful to Faelan for giving them a second chance and therefore very protective, do not say anything bad about her in front of them.
(If you do this in front of the Weapons and Jazz, Barricade and Blackout then you might as well throw yourself off a cliff because you are truly a lemming.) - Will.
(Yeah that did not end well.) - Epps.
(Those recruits wouldn't come near any of the Weapons or the ex-Con for weeks!) - Will.
(Then they got paranoid because Jazz kept pretending to nearly step on them.) - Epps.
(They should have really known better though.) - Will.
(*sigh* Well that's why we're making the rules, then everyone will know and we can avoid recruits spending weeks in the med-bay.) - Epps.
8) Do not upset the Sparklings, the Cybertronians will make training hell and Faelan is their adoptive carrier, she has the ferocity of a mother bear.
(This was actually terrifying.) - Epps.
(I don't know what they said but the next second Faelan was chasing them and Ironhide told me he came across her slapping him repeatedly a bit later.) - Will.
(And he didn't do anything?) - Epps.
(He said anyone who was stupid enough to upset the Sparklings where others could see had it coming to them.) - Will.
(Is he allowed to do that?) - Epps.
(Dunno but he sure as hell made training hell for that guy. Barricade and Blackout took great glee in targeting him in the mock battle.) - Will.
(*shudder* Scary.) - Epps.
9) Faelan, Bullseye, Blaze, Blast and Splitskull are not allowed near the fireworks on July 4th. The resulting explosion was very pretty but the damage to N.E.S.T's budget was not.
Will and Optimus were giving the five perpetrators very stern looks.
"Why did you even feel the need to enhance the fireworks?"
They exchanged sheepish looks. "Well… we were trying to do that really big one at the end of Bilbo's party in Lord of the Rings."
"I think you went overboard. There is a twenty feet crater in the middle of the air strip."
"Yeah we won't use as much glycerine next time."
"…"
"…"
"Please give the ones left to the bomb squad to dispose of."
10) Bubble wrap is banned.
Faelan snickered as Bumblebee joined her. "Did you do it?"
"-Sure did- Now what?-" asked Bee looking curious.
"Now we wait and see who we catch," she said peering round the corner, Bee crouched down so his head was slightly above her and inched round also.
Faelan quickly whipped her head back and stuffed her fist into her mouth to stop her giggles. Ironhide was walking this way! Oh god this way going to be hilarious.
Bumblebee looked down at her questioningly but she just waved a hand at him to keep watching.
Suddenly there was a loud bang and they both stuck their heads out to see Ironhide with his cannons out looking around warily, then he took a step and another bang went off. The next five minutes had Ironhide jumping and rolling everywhere in a panic trying to figure out where, what sounded to him like gunshot, was coming from. The two perpetrators were in fits of laughter around the corner.
Bubble wrap was awesome!
So what did you guys think?
Hope you enjoyed I really enjoyed writing some of those rules, especially the fireworks one.
Wait until Wheeljack gets involved.