Hi all! Well it's a new year and I'm a bit ashamed at how bad I've been at updating... anything unfortunately. But I have been rewatching the transformers movies and hopefully that will inspire me again, at least I'm posting another set of rules.
Any way, hope you enjoy them and please let me know what you think, especially since I only need to think up four more rules to have reached 100! Yay!
Just a note but this set of rules does contain spoilers for pairings in my Soul in a Spark stories, but considering they're what I consider canon... Meh I'm sure most people have already guessed them, and in some cases probably would have killed me if I had done differently.
Now please enjoy the next ten rules, we have finally reached 50, we're halfway there!
41) The songs 'It's a small world' and 'Song that never ends' are banned.
Red Alert twitched rocking back and forth in his hiding place behind Inferno, that slagging song had been stuck on repeat for the last two days!
The others Autobots and humans in the rec. room where all also either twitching or in the case of humans had earplugs in in an attempt to ignore 'It's a small world after all'. Lennox swore that if he took Annabelle to Disney World he was never taking her on that ride because he wouldn't be able to go near it without wanting to shoot the speakers. Blaze and Blast has abandoned the base yesterday when Jazz found out it had been them that had got the song stuck on repeat, they had literally run for the hills when Faelan had cursed them out and come at them with her flame thrower.
Ratchet had already sent Prowl into stasis to keep him from glitching too badly, the other mechs at this point were wishing that he'd had enough mercy to do that to the rest of them and the only reason he hadn't done it to Red Alert was because the mech wouldn't let anyone but Inferno get within a few feet of him.
Everyone perked their heads up as the base suddenly went silent.
"Is it over?" asked Sunstreaker looking relieved, that song was driving him nuts.
They all stayed quiet for a few more moments to make sure it really had stopped, then jumped when there was a loud shrieking sound and another song came on. Faelan groaned and started bashing her head against the table.
"I'm going to kill those two!" she growled. "Seriously, those slaggers are dead!"
"What's this song?" asked Jolt frowning as he listened before blanching at the words.
"It's the song that never ends."
OXOXOXOXOXO
Blaze and Blast watched nervously from nearby as the sound of swearing erupted from the base as the new song started playing on loop. They exchanged paranoid looks.
"How long did we stick it on a loop for again?"
"Two days for this song and then another day with the two songs alternating on loop."
"…"
"…"
"Right, let's hitchhike to Canada!"
"Screw Canada, we'd be safer hiding with the Decepticons!"
"… Oh! Could we use it on them too? Then we can claim we were developing a new interrogation technique!"
"They'll want to know why we practiced it on them first!"
"Oh, right."
They both looked back at the base as the main hanger doors slammed open and Faelan stormed out carrying her flamethrower and screaming in frustration.
"Never mind, just run!"
42) So is the evil overlord of darkness that is Barney.
(Oh my god I think us humans were just as traumatised by that as the bots were.) – Epps.
(I don't even know why it was on TV, Annabelle finds it scary so it wasn't because of her.) – Will.
(No idea, but it was a bit scary to realise that even Faelan and the Weapons find it horrifying if the screams they were letting off were any indication.) – Epps.
(Yeah that was weird, can totally understand why Splitskull finally lost it though and took his axe to the screen even if it did mean we had to replace the TV again.) – Will.
(*Shudders* Smokescreen was busy for weeks after that trying to see everyone for therapy, I'm not sure if it was good or not that he'd also seen Barney and therefore completely understood what everyone's problem was.) – Epps.
(Probably fifty-fifty, I heard Ratchet had to remove all the memories of it from his processor afterwards because, and I quote: 'that slagging shit is eating away at my processor so remove it before I offline someone!') – Will.
(Ouch.) – Epps.
(Still, not as bad as what Faelan decided to do. She got Barricade to send some episodes played on a loop to the Decepticons through their own encryption so they thought it was coming from one of their scouts. We didn't realise until a week later when Megatron actually called Optimus and demanded that we 'control that pit-spawned, Unicron-sent, glitch-head of a femme and get her to stop trying to crash our processors!' I swear I've never seen Optimus laugh so hard, I nearly chocked when he told Megatron that he was just jealous because she was more evil and more effective about it than he was.) – Will.
(I've said it before and I'll say it again: that girl is insane and I'm so glad she's on our side.) – Epps.
43) Wheeljack and Faelan are not allowed to be left alone without supervision EVER. Ideally they never should have met but we can't do anything about that. (The Weapons do not count as supervision.)
(That was- yeah…) – Will.
(Those two are insane, it's no wonder Red Alert has a panic attack every time they both disappear, because the odds are that they'll be somewhere together and about to cause mayhem.) – Epps.
(I now totally understand why although Wheeljack is his Spark mate, Ratchet nearly went apoplectic at the thought of him meeting Faelan.) – Will.
(Yeah, can't even ask the Weapons to keep an eye on them because they just encourage them. And Barricade refuses to be left alone with the two of them anymore, something about watching too many mad scientist movies.) – Epps.
(Yeah that would give me nightmares too, but you know it's bad when Jazz actually installed a locator on Faelan so he could make sure he knows when the two of them are alone together.) – Will.
(Is that why he came running past in a panic the other day?) – Epps.
(Considering the labs blew up again for the fourth time this month and we're only in the first week, yes. Personally I think Fae is fudging the budget so we can afford to repair all the explosions, I'm not sure where the funds are coming from otherwise.) – Will.
(Her betting ring?) – Epps.
(Maybe, and although the thought of what they get up to together terrifies me, the look on the faces' of the 'bots when they realised that Faelan and Wheeljack had become best friends was hilarious.) – Will.
(Hahaha! Most of them looked like they wanted to barricade themselves in the rec. room, I think Blackout and Barricade seriously debated rejoining the Decepticons before realising that they'd then have to face the two of them in battle.) – Epps.
(That explains why last time the two of them where on the battlefield together the bots all let them go first and stayed well away, it says a lot about Wheeljack's reputation and the one Faelan is gaining that the Cons nearly ran when they saw them on the battlefield together.) – Will.
(Sideswipe told me that he once sent a balloon that said 'property of Wheeljack' on the side of it into Con territory and nearly offlined laughing when they all panicked and ran away even though it didn't do anything… well he thought it didn't do anything until it burst and released this goo that short circuited them all.) – Epps.
(Add Faelan and it's no wonder Ratchet nearly asked Wheeljack not to land on Earth.) – Will.
44) Never challenge Murphy's law. Seriously, we get into enough bad situations without making them worse.
(Really?! What idiot did that? Even Fae knows better than to challenge Murphy's law and she creates half of the chaos on base just because she's bored!) – Will.
(New recruits, did you really expect it to be anyone else? The rest of us are experienced enough with the insanity that goes on around here to not even dare test fate.) – Epps.
(Yeah but most of that is limited to on base, those morons did it right in the middle of the battlefield! They were just lucky Splitskull and Cutthroat showed up and tore that mech to pieces.) – Will.
(… Doesn't it ever worry you how easily they manage to do that to huge mechanical beings?) – Epps.
(I'm determined never to think about it too closely, it'll make me too paranoid to be in the same room as them otherwise.) – Will.
45) Don't make inappropriate comments about Spark mates, it a big deal and very private. Also see rule 17.
(Seriously?! Don't people learn at all?! What made them think that after the hell that gets dished out when its Dragon and Phoenix, that comments on Spark mates was acceptable?!) – Will.
(I've said it before and I'll say it again: no survival instincts, it's the only reason people are crazy enough to join, it just also means that unfortunately they're stupid enough to do things like this too.) – Epps.
(I mean I can understand why he was so upset… but I've never seen Jazz that mad before, it took Optimus and Ironhide to hold him back and he's like half their size!) – Will.
(Not that it did any good because Faelan creamed the guy while Barricade blocked the door so we couldn't get to them.) – Epps.
(Well he did sorta deserve it…) – Will.
(I take it Jazz has a Spark mate then, considering how furious he was?) – Epps.
(Yeah, it's Prowl, you know the new guy with a police car alt mode who's quite strict? Apparently no one else knew either until he showed up on Earth, everyone knew they were really good friends but that was all they thought it was. Totally took them by surprise when they found out even though they'd all been betting on when they'd get together. Well… everyone except Faelan and Barricade.) – Will.
(Why those two? Although, I suppose they are pretty close to Jazz… but Barricade was a Con and he's only known Faelan a few years, how come they knew?) – Epps.
(Jazz told Faelan to help explain why he was so supportive of her accepting Barricade changing sides.) – Will.
(Huh?) – Epps.
(*Rolls eyes* Barricade is Prowl's younger brother, ergo with a family bond he always knew they were Spark mates yet never gave the information away to the Decepticons, so they always hoped he'd switch sides one day because he obviously still cared.) – Will.
(Wow… and Jazz and Prowl have been separated for ages because of the war right? No wonder he was pissed off.) – Epps.
(Yep, to make it even scarier remember that Jazz is head of their Special Ops, he is one mech you never want to piss off because we'll never find the body.) – Will.
(Ok… note to self: stay on his good side.) – Epps.
(Just to try to avoid issues, of the Cybertronians here the spark mates are: Prowl and Jazz, Ratchet and Wheeljack, Sunstreaker, Bluestreak and Sideswipe, Hound and Mirage, Red Alert and Inferno, Arcee has a spark mate too he just isn't here yet.) – Faelan.
46) Permanent markers are banned.
(That was funny, they didn't need to ban them.) – Epps.
(It really was, besides it was Sideswipe's fault for falling asleep during the meeting anyway. He should know better than to fall asleep around Faelan or Jazz, doing it around both of them is just asking for something to happen.) – Will.
(Although I'm not sure I want to know why she was carrying permanent markers around with her… not unless she was already planning a prank anyway.) – Epps.
(Probably, I just found it funny that everyone starting giving her suggestions on what to draw on Sideswipe, I really wasn't expecting that.) – Will.
(Ratchet seemed to have great fun with that, so did Prowl actually, he was scarily eager to give suggestions.) – Epps.
(Eh, that's because he likes taking any chance for payback that he can, he's fed up of Sideswipe and Sunstreaker making him crash all the time. I thought it hilarious that Optimus literally turned a blind eye and then commed Jazz with his suggestions, 'Hide couldn't stop laughing.) – Will.
(I don't think anyone wasn't laughing when Sideswipe woke up and walked out of the room without realising what Faelan had done. Plus he only noticed in the end because Sunstreaker asked what the hell he'd done to his paint job. I honestly thought it was a girl screaming with the pitch he was at.) – Epps.
(Don't let Faelan hear that, she'll take offense.) – Will.
(But it was really high pitched! Plus I thought Sunstreaker was the one obsessed with his appearance, not Sideswipe.) – Epps.
(Apparently Sideswipe has his moments too. I think the only reason they're really banning permanent markers is to stop Sideswipe getting his own back on all of them.) – Will.
(Since when does banning something stop anyone on this base of lunatics?) – Epps.
47) Don't send the Evil Overlord list to Megatron and highlight where he failed.
Megatron frowned when a message popped up on his HUD saying that he had received an email. Who could possibly be sending him emails, had to be another Cybertronian… or a human with Cybertronian connections. He growled getting a very bad feeling about this and cautiously opened the message.
'Dear Megs,' he twitched, there was only one person who dared call him Megs. 'So I was exploring the wonders of the internet the other day when I came across something that might interest you. And I mean, I know you're not supposed to help your enemy,' what? 'but honestly, fighting your Decepticons is becoming a bit boring what with us beating them every time.' He twitched again with annoyance, as if it was his fault they were so pathetic? 'But this list I found might help you with where you're going wrong in your plans for world domination… or it might just make fighting your minions more interesting, I don't really care as long as I get a decent challenge. Some things on the list aren't relevant to you but it's a really long list and I was helpful and highlighted the ones you've failed at so you can improve. Enjoy.'
His twitch became more pronounced as he read the list, a list titled 'The original top 100 things I'd do if I ever became an evil overlord' followed by 'The additional 131 things I'd do if I ever became an evil overlord'.
He sat there in silence for a bit longer before…
"Soundwave! Get me a communication link up to Prime NOW!"
OXOXOXOXOXO
Blackout sat stiffly at the communications station before turning around. "Prime?"
Optimus looked up from where he, Ironhide, Prowl and Lennox were discussing the last battle.
"Yes Blackout? Is something wrong?"
"Erm… I'm getting a communication request from Soundwave," he said hesitantly not sure what to make of the renown Decepticon third in command asking to set up a link.
"What?" said Prowl sharply walking over to the ex-con to stare at the screen, the others followed with Ironhide giving Will a lift.
"It's definitely Soundwave," replied Blackout sounding bewildered. "I just can't think why he'd want to talk and not just hack us."
Optimus frowned thoughtfully. "Hmm, confirm his request." At everyone's incredulous looks he shrugged. "I'm curious and Blackout is right, he could easily hack us if he wanted to."
Everyone grimaced as Megatron's image appeared on the screen and he looked furious.
"Megatron."
"Prime." They stared for a few seconds as the Decepticon leader seemed to seethe for a moment before calming himself.
"Why did you request a communication?" asked Optimus starting to feel a sense of dread building.
His brother growled. "Because that glitch head of a femme you lot call your ambassador sent me a message."
"Faelan sent…" trailed off Prowl before sighing heavily and looking like he wanted to bash his helm in.
"May we ask what she sent you?" asked Optimus warily.
Megatron grimaced and sent the data file containing the message and attached lists.
They all stared at it in silence for a moment before Will couldn't contain his sniggers anymore and burst out laughing, gripping Ironhide's armour to stop himself falling.
"Only Fae would do that," he gasped between laughter. Ironhide, Blackout and Optimus also looked amused while Prowl looked up as if to ask Primus why.
"Control that fragging nut case of yours Prime or I'll take some of these… rules, under advisement and just shoot her next time I see her instead of trying to preserve her gift," shouted the warlord before cancelling the connection.
Will laughed even harder and eagerly spun around when the door opened and Jazz walked in carrying said 'fragging nut case'. "Fae!"
She blinked in surprise at how eager he was to see her. "… Yes?"
"I can't believe you sent the evil overlord list to Megatron!"
A smirk split her face while Jazz sniggered. "I thought it might make the battles more interesting, of course it might also make life more interesting at the Decepticon base," she said slyly.
"Why?" asked Prowl dreading what else she had done.
"Well, have you read some of those rules? Plus I also sent it to Starscream." She smile grew at their incredulous looks. "He's always trying to take over as leader I thought he might appreciate some help."
Ironhide and Blackout also burst out laughing at that comment and even Prowl looked amused.
"Please don't do it again," asked Optimus smiling. "It only makes him want to kill you more."
"But you do agree he could use the help?"
Everyone walking past the communications room gave it a wide berth at the laughter coming from inside as they continued reading the list and tried to imagine Megatron carrying them out.
48) Don't mess with Ironhide's cannons.
Everyone on the battlefield turned in stunned silence as an explosion of confetti came out of one of Ironhide's cannons into Ramjet's face. Ironhide rallied admirably and turned his other cannon on the mech, only for a jet of bright pink paint to explode out completely covering the stupefied jet-former.
There was dead silence for a few seconds before Faelan, Blaze and Blast started sniggering and turned their backs to try cover up their laughter. The weapon specialist eyed them with narrow optics before growling.
"You three are so slagging dead!" he roared turning away from the still shell shocked Ramjet and chasing after the three miscreants who had turned tail and run towards the Decepticons in an attempt to divert his attention to another target. Of course seeing the angry black mech charging at them the Decepticons panicked and started opening fire again.
Faelan giggled from her spot behind Soundwave's pede, to be fair they had planned for that to happen in skirmish practice, it wasn't their fault they got an emergency call and ended up in battle. She squeaked in surprise when Soundwave suddenly grabbed the back of her body armour and lifted her up into the air to dangle in front of his face, to her glee the usually emotionless mech seemed amused with her stunt.
"Return to the Autobots; Decepticons will retreat."
She blinked in surprise and nodded noticing that most of the Autobots were watching their interaction nervously, after all if Soundwave tried something none of them would be able to get to her in time. Faelan nodded in thanks as he set her back down and grabbed Blaze and Blast dragging them back over to the Autobots while Inferno and Optimus went to sit on Ironhide.
OXOXOXOXOXO
It wasn't until they had got back to base and she was checking her emails that Faelan realised why Soundwave had looked amused. She opened an email from 'SatelliteStar' and seeing that it contained a video file pressed play. She watched with awed delight as it played an absolutely perfect capture of Ironhide and Ramjet's reactions when Ironhide had fired his cannons.
She cackled and immediately sent it to everyone on base after sending a reply to 'SatelliteStar'.
'Thanks for the video, it was perfect. Here are some of mine in exchange, it's been great doing business with you.'
She had sent him videos of when she called Starscream a dorito, when she and Wheeljack flooded the base with coke and mentos and the time she had described human sex in great detail to a disgusted and horrified Sunstreaker and Sideswipe.
A loud roar echoed through the base making her snigger and climb up through the ventilation in her office, now she just needed to stay out of sight until Ironhide had calmed down.
49) Do not try to make Prowl crash, Jazz, Faelan and Barricade will take great glee in making you pay.
(Ok, didn't they learn after Jazz got mega pissed off about the Spark mates comment?) – Will.
(To be fair some of those times he crashed were accidents, especially in the beginning when we didn't know what would make him crash.) – Epps.
(Yeah but now some people are doing it on purpose- they've almost turned it into a sport! Sideswipe and Sunstreaker are not helping because they seem to know some of the best ways to make him crash.) – Will.
(Well they have stopped now. Faelan got Ratchet to lock them in their holoforms and dragged them off somewhere to 'talk'. I don't know what she did to them but the way they were cowering away from her afterwards scares me slightly.) – Epps.
(They should have known better, besides Jazz and Barricade were threatening to dismantle their limbs and lock them in a room with 'It's a small world' playing on repeat for a few days.) – Will.
(… Those three terrify me when they start plotting together, even Optimus looks like he wants to run the other way when they do that.) – Epps.
(Well they're going to carry on doing it until people get the message not to make Prowl crash, Ratchet is even going to overlook the damage they're doing because he's really angry about having to fix up Prowl all the time. That and it comes under the rule that he doesn't treat stupidity.) – Will.
(So… they've been given free range then?) – Epps.
(Pretty much.) – Will.
(Crap. The med bay is going to be full again isn't it?) – Epps.
50) Prowl, Jazz and Faelan plotting together is horrifying and a fate worse than death. Do NOT ever encourage anything that will make this happen.
Everyone in the main hanger looked up in confusion as Barricade, Blackout and the Sparklings all peeled into the hanger.
"Come on guys! Move, move, move!" yelled Barricade as Dragon, Phoenix, Prick, Poke and Nightstrike all piled into his alt mode as the doors popped open.
"What's going on?" asked Will exchanging a confused look with Ironhide as they watched.
Nightclaw and Whitefang turned into their motorbike alt modes and were promptly mounted by Pyro and Avalanche who immediately gunned out of the hanger in the direction of the gate quickly followed by Flash on Heatsurge. Titan quickly lowered his back seats and allowed Shockburst, Rewire, Ghostnet, Rhythm and Rapidfire to all climb in while Bullseye and Hood got in the front seats and moved to wait behind Barricade who was idling. Blackout meanwhile, was being frantically boarded by the remaining twenty Weapons before he quickly launched off into the sky.
"What the hell?" called Will marching over to Barricade. "What is going on?!"
Dragon grimaced and stuck his head out of the window. "I don't know what happened exactly but… Jazz, Faelan and Prowl are plotting together. So we're all getting the hell out of here while we still can."
The remaining Autobots and humans gaped after the fleeing ex-Cons and shivered as the sound of cackling came from back down the corridor to the rec. room.
"Oh slag."
OXOXOXOXOXO
"Is it safe to come back yet?" hailed Blackout over the comms. "I ain't stepping my pede in there if those three are still plotting."
Ratchet sighed deeply and grimaced at the sight of the many mechs cluttering up his med-bay, some of them were in there for damage but the majority of them were just hiding since they'd learnt that the crazy trio avoided the med-bay because even they weren't insane enough to mess up his territory.
"Give it a few more days," he replied grumbling. "You could have given us a bit more warning you fragging glitch-heads!"
"Hey we barely got more warning than you!" protested Barricade. "We were just paranoid, I've spend too much time with those three not to know what they can get like, especially when all three of them get fragged off at something."
"Should have set them on the Decepticons," mumbled Ratchet tweaking something in Optimus' leg making him wince, even the Prime had not escaped the chaos. "Would have spared us the trauma and probably finished the war for us."
Blackout cackled over the comms, "Why do you think we ran so fast? Out of curiosity, what did they do?"
"You have a morbid curiosity," rumbled Barricade darkly making Ratchet snort.
"I haven't actually left my med-bay since this started but judging by the state of everyone else… I think they raided Wheeljack's labs before they started." Ratchet paused as the sound of the Wreckers of all bots, ran past screaming. "Yeah the Wreckers are screaming so I don't want to know."
"So glad we left when we did."
"Yeah stop rubbing it in you pit-spawns."
Mwahaha I love writing these, they're so much fun!
Any way please review and let me know what you think, and don't forget I just need four more rules to reach 100! Then I'll just have to think of the scenarios for them all.
Hope you enjoyed reading this and hopefully I will by updating Soul in a Spark soon!
See you next time!