For I Have Sinned

Chapter One

It was like being locked in an iron box just big enough for you and only you. It was full of ice water and steadily getting smaller and smaller. There wasn't enough room to breathe, no air in the first place, and your ribs threaten to rip inside out. Heart pounding, a roar of blood pulsing like the ordinance of a howitzer, fingernails cutting into sweaty palms. Limbs rigid yet pushing outward, eyes screwed shut, shaking so hard it physically hurt, Claire was curled up on the floor with her forehead pressed into the carpet in the dark bedroom.

Yun hadn't felt the tossing of her partner in bed, hadn't heard the whimpers or sleepy jargon that worked its way through a tightened jaw in the wee hours. But she heard the shattering scream that ripped her from a dead sleep. Like anyone suddenly roused so violently, nothing made sense in the first few seconds, all of Yun's senses were fuzzy. But it fell into place with a grumbling oath as she reached for the bedside lamp. Tossing back the sheets she rounded the bed, rug burn pinching her knees as she went to Claire's side.

With authority she pulled her up, leaning Claire against the wall and on her backside, keeping her shoulders back with both hands.

"Claire, wake up," she demanded. "Come on, darlin', ya gotta breathe,"

Claire's fists were balled against her face, her entire form shaking as sweat covered her from head to toe.

"Breath, ya silly woman! Claire!" Yun shook her, the ministrations growing progressively rougher. "Wake up!"

Before Yun could all but shove her against the wall, Claire's back arched in an almost inhuman fashion and her head thrust back against the wall as her hands gripped Yun's wrists. Her lungs started working at a frantic pace, like her eyes that were now wide open, hypervigilant. Tearful cerulean looked all over the room, maybe searching for some unseen assailant. When Claire finally looked at Yun she didn't say a word, but devolved into a heart wrenching fit of sobs. She fell against Yun's chest and let go of her wrists so she could anchor herself in Yun's cotton tank top.

Yun mentally steeled herself, putting her arms around Claire and starting to smooth her mussed locks of pale roses with her palm. "It's all right, darlin'," she soothed softly, "you're all right, you're awake now. Nothin's gonna hurt ya." She felt her heart lurch at the damp heat of Claire's tears through her shirt. And she was so cold, her own pajamas sticking with an icy sudor.

But Yun didn't panic. That was typical.

This had become their new normal.

The episode lasted a little over an hour, Claire eventually becoming too tired to keep up the bloodletting she couldn't control. Her body finally relaxed and she allowed Yun to push her back a little, just enough that she might look into her face.

"You with me now?" Yun asked, tentative.

Claire nodded, swallowing hard. She let herself fall back against the wall, palms against her face, pulling downward. "S-sorry."

Yun frowned a little. "Don't worry about it." She put one hand to the back of her neck, firm fingers curling.

The following silence was awkward, always was. Naturally there was a need to talk, to find assurance the worst was over, but what was there to say? Then again, the desire was one sided. Claire's body language was so unapproachable, so tight, shut down. Yun's was the exact opposite, and she was aware of the difference. That was the nature of things.

"How about," Yun paused, gauging Claire's initial reaction to her voice, finding it neutral, "how about you clean yourself up...I'll put on some tea or somethin'."

Another nod gave Yun leave to stand up then offer a hand to help her lover do the same. Their paths split outside the bedroom door, one headed to the left for the kitchen, the other to the right for the bathroom.

They would meet again some twenty minutes later at the dinning room table, Claire now in a fluffy bathrobe waiting patiently for Yun to come and sit with her. Yun could see from her place in the kitchen that she was still shaking, her eyes a bit redder now. With a steadying breath she brought a cup of tea over. She wasn't a fan of it herself and went without. She pushed the cup and saucer the few inches across the table after sitting down. Claire received it with a whispered "thank you" and took a testing sip.

"Again, I'm sorry." Claire pinched the bridge of her nose, eyes tight.

"And again, don't worry." Yun repeated with a little more push. "You know I'm here for ya."

Another awkward stretch of quiet.

Though this time Yun seemed to stir in her seat. "Look, I know you don't want me to keep harpin' on it but-,"

"I know what you're going to say."

"Then you must have been thinking it over," frustration was around the edges of the detective's tone, in the tightness of her tired features. "We gotta do somethin' before it gets worse."

"It's just bad dreams." Claire shrugged, arms crossing.

"No it ain't." Yun shook her head. "I've never seen it this bad. I know you've had nightmares before, I've sat through 'em with ya, but this is somethin' else."

"I'm not going to a doctor. Not after last time." Claire seemed to sneer at her, her eyes thinned and brow knitted.

"And I'm not gonna force ya for just that reason, but it can't keep on like this. It isn't healthy."

Claire put her elbows on the table and her head in her hands, fingers angled sharply into her scalp. Yun watched a tremor work through her, her shoulders hiking for a moment before she straightened. Her hands slid to drape the back of her neck, her head lowered, chin near her chest.

"You're right...but...god," she exhaled, "I can't handle this."

"Sure you can," Yun assured her, a hand on her shoulder, "you just need some help is all. Unless that's not what you want."

"But this isn't about what I want." Claire took another sip.

"True enough. Still, I ain't gonna push ya into somethin' that ain't right for ya."

"I know, but that doesn't change anything." She looked at Yun, seeming a mixture of angry, frightened, and lost. "I don't know what to do."

Yun hated feeling helpless. Poor girl was looking to her for answers, but she didn't have any. She was scared, and there was no way to comfort her, not that Yun could immediately see. Loving Claire as much as she did, it was like torture.

The detective would fret over it the rest of the night, while she watched Claire finish the tea and the two eventually moved to the sofa in the living room. Claire had an aversion to the bedroom after these fits, something Yun could never quite grasp, so they would curl up on the couch instead and put on some mindless TV to try and fall back to sleep to. It would work for the most part, Claire was more than tired enough to doze off once her mind was distracted enough to let her. Yun would surrender to it too in time, but not tonight. She laid there propped up on the couch's arm, Claire lying against her, and she let the gears turn as she twined the silken pale roses in her fingers.

Claire had every right and reason not to want a doctor. Yun wouldn't argue that to save her life. Her last trip had been a disaster and a half.

These last six months had seen Claire develop some trouble sleeping, what she described as "general restlessness". The specialist they visited seemed genuinely concerned in the beginning, that is, until he realized who his patient was. Then he became much more interested in the the fact that the infamous Claire Farron was his patient, not that she actually needed his help. It hadn't been a week since the initial consultation that the media was crawling after her like rabid dogs. And they were everywhere. They followed her home, to school, ghosted her whenever she was outside of her own home. The media attention had forced them, as well as Snow and Serah, to change their numbers and to move. It was a damn nightmare.

It didn't end until the doctor was slapped with a confidentiality lawsuit and Yun flashed her badge to a news anchor and threatened arrests for harassment. But the damage was done by then, and Claire's sleeping issues only worsened.

Since then restlessness seemed to have morphed into full blown night terrors.

Yun looked down at the sleeping woman in her lap, worry creasing her face.

"My poor girl, what can I do?" she whispered to herself. Yun didn't want anything like that to happen again, but she couldn't just sit by with her thumb up her ass. She had never seen Claire so debilitated with fear before, and it broke her heart. She couldn't do anything to stop or ease it, nothing to prevent it.

Claire had been doing so well, too, even when the insomnia first started. She pushed through it, found ways to work around it, to cope. Her grades didn't suffer, in fact she had the highest marks in her class on her most recent university midterm. Her moods didn't swing out of the ordinary, nor her appetite -be it for food or sex. Everything was within the range of typical aside from her inability to sleep soundly.

And now this.

Yun tucked against the back of the couch, resting her head for the first time in hours. She would gently snooze off and on until dawn, unable to really sleep for her busy thoughts. And for all that she still had no solution, not even the slightest idea of how to start looking for one. That is, until Claire exchanged the living room for the bathroom to repeat her morning ritual.

Yun went to her cell phone on her bedside table, hitting one of the speed-dial designated buttons before putting it to her ear. Shifting to her desk she waited through the trio of buzzes, listening somewhat anxiously for the click.

"Hello?"

"Serah? It's Yun."

"Oh, hey, you're up early."

"You too." an empty laugh.

"Everything all right? How's Claire?"

"Actually, that's what I was callin' about."

"Did something happen?"

"You could say that. You know it ain't just insomnia anymore."

"I remember you mentioning that," there was a yawn in there somewhere, "but you didn't go into a lot of detail."

"Didn't have a lot to give ya at the time. Still...ya think I could bring her up to stay with you a while, let ya see what's goin' on for yourself? I can't convince her to go to another MD, ya see."

A long pause. "I understand, it's fine. But could you give me what information you have? I'd like to be as prepared as possible."

"Yeah. She's havin' nightmares, ya know? But worse than usual. She won't say what they're about, but I'm sure you can guess, yeah? In any case..." she braced herself with a deep breath, "she's wakin' up screamin'...sweatin' ice cold all over...it's bad. Never seen anythin' like this, and that made me think of you."

"Is this recent?"

"Since that media mess, it kinda snowballed from there. Seemed to hit the worst right after we settled in at the apartment."

Another pause, though shorter. "Okay, let me see what I can find. You two want to come over today?"

"I gotta talk to Claire first, but the thought crossed my mind."

"It should be fine, but let me know if your plans change. In the mean time I'll see what I can do to read up on this, hopefully I'll have something by the time you get here. Have a safe trip."

"Thanks, Serah, I owe ya. See ya soon, then." and she hung up, all but tossing the phone on her desk as she spun half-way round in her chair and sighed. She was hoping that would help her insecurity, at the very least take the edge off of it, but no dice. Needing a new distraction, she shuffled into the kitchen to make breakfast.

Claire appeared better when she emerged, dressed and groomed for the day. She still looked so tired in the eyes, but it was better hidden now. Especially when she eased behind Yun to hug her about the waist, nuzzling up to her to put a kiss on her neck.

"Smells good." she hummed, lingering in close proximity.

"Seemed to me like a pancakes and bacon kinda mornin'." Yun grinned back even though she knew this was part of her cover-up. "Get any more sleep?"

"Yeah, actually," she hoped the answer was convincing. It was more of a "sort-of", to be honest. "Thanks for staying up with me."

"Of course. It's what I'm here for." Yun turned her head, neck straining as she worked to kiss Claire. "Do me a favor and set the table?"

"Sure."

Yun listened in passing to the clatter of dishes and the chime of silverware, mentally bracing herself for the conversation she knew would need to happen. Claire hated it when she felt like someone was walking on eggshells around her, going behind her back so to speak, and she would accuse Yun of that once she knew about the phone call she just made. But it could wait until after they ate, let them both have some quiet time together before dealing with the ugliness of the day-to-day.

Turned out to be a nice, casual sit-down breakfast. They talked about everything and nothing, just shooting the shit to coin a phrase, just enjoying each others' presence. Claire seemed to feel genuine comfort, even going so far as to smile on occasion during their aimless conversation. Yun almost hated to ruin it, scowling as she gathered up the soiled dishes and put them in the sink. Severity shadowed her face as she turned around, going back to the table where Claire still sat.

"Listen, darlin', I was thinkin'," Yun folded her hands, fingers lacing uneasily, "could ya compromise with me?"

Claire's comfort fizzled, diminished into uncertainty that lengthened her features. "About what?"

Yun shook her head after a moment. "Shit, I'll just be straight with ya. Would you be willin' to talk to Serah about this? I figured...if you could trust anyone it would be her," and she anxiously watched as something unreadable crossed her lover's face.

Claire's eyes went low and away as she lounged back in the chair. "You talked to her, didn't you?"

"Yeah." no use in lying, that would just be insulting. "But if it's not what you want, I can call her back."

Claire raised one eyebrow, finally showing her displeasure, at least that's how Yun translated the expression. The cop was beginning to feel the creeping guilt in her stomach just as Claire's features eased and she exhaled slowly.

"It's fine. I wish you had talked to me first, but...I get it." she couldn't look Yun in the face at the admission, but that was the usual. Eye contact is rough when admitting you need help. "When did you want to leave?"

"Whenever you're ready, darlin'. The bike's all gassed up."

After a moment, maybe thinking it over one last time, Claire nodded before getting up from the table and disappearing wordlessly into the hallway. Somehow that failed to soothe Yun's insecurity, just the opposite really.

There was neither delay nor rush to the couple's preparation as they packed a weekend's worth of clothing and other necessities into a worn canvas backpack. Then all there was left to do was call work and school to keep them from worrying, and then lock the place up tighter than a bank vault. The two were on the road out of Eden by half past noon.

It would be mid afternoon when they crossed Bodhum's city limits. Serah and Snow had moved out here not just due to the aforementioned mess, but Snow was looking to get out of Raines Communications since Cid was arrested. He found a position that paid just as well with only slightly less benefits on the other side of the beach resort town, the company even offering to help pay for relocation expenses once he accepted. The couple quickly sold the two-story in the Eden suburbs late last year and settled into a cozy ranch style home in a gated community that was mere minutes from the coastline. And it certainly didn't hurt that Serah was closer to her dad.

The younger Farron would hear the roar of the motorcycle before her guests pulled into the driveway. She waved to her sister and former roommate as she emerged from the front door, waiting for the engine to cut off before advancing further. Serah hugged them both with a warm welcome and a genuine smile, showing them inside with little delay. It was rather warm in Bodhum today, so it would be much more favorable to stand around and chew the fat in the air conditioning instead.

Yun and Claire both thought to have a look around upon entry, this being their first time in the Villiers' new home.

"Not bad, Serah. You got the place done up real nice." Yun nodded, setting her backpack down. It was true, seeing as this new dwelling was significantly smaller than the previous. Still it looked as though Serah had managed to find the right place for everything.

Claire almost agreed, her mouth actually working to form a response, but was distracted by the act when something brushed against her ankle. With a smile she bent down and gathered up a cat in her arms. "Hey, Baha."

The animal relaxed and began to purr straight away, having held onto his and Claire's special bond.

"We don't have a guest room anymore, but the couch folds out. I suppose you'll sleep there, or would you prefer a hotel?"

"Here's fine, thanks." Fang answered with a nod as she shrugged out of her leather jacket.

"Fair enough. You guys hungry, want something cold to drink?"

"Nah, we ate on the way." Though Yun would follow Serah into the kitchen anyway as the hostess went about making herself something. Claire seemed more than content to plop onto the sofa with Baha on her chest.

The detective leaned against the refrigerator, watching the younger Farron for a moment with her arms crossed. "You two been doin' all right?"

"Oh yeah," Serah answered straight away, as if that had been an unnecessary question. "Snow and I have settled in pretty well."

"Good to hear, sorry we hadn't visited sooner."

"Not a problem, I know things have been crazy. And with Claire's school schedule, it can't always be as easy as just taking off."

"True." Yun nodded and smiled in spite of herself. "But...you find anythin' yet?"

Serah turned around, leaning back against the counter with a glass of iced tea in her hand and she sighed, pushing a stray strand of hair from her face. "I've got some theories, some leads, but I won't know anything definite for a while yet. I need to sit down and have her walk me through it."

"Now?"

"God no, not now," Serah shook her head with enthusiasm. That was the farthest thing from her mind. "Are you two staying for a couple days?"

"Through the weekend if it's all right."

"Of course it is," she swatted the air in dismissal, taking a sip. "But I was thinking we could take the rest of today and most of tomorrow to just hang out, catch up, you know? And dad would be happy to see you two."

"Oh yeah? Been meanin' to talk to Jack anyhow, so that works out."

"We've been planning an afternoon at the beach, you think Claire would be up for that?"

"Well, maybe-maybe not. Goin' out and bein' seen wasn't really her forte to begin with, but now..."

"I know, but all of us will be with her. Maybe it won't be so bad?"

"We can hope, especially if Jack is there." Yun took a breath, shaking her head as she exhaled and shifted to have her back flat to the appliance. "I'm worried, Serah, I'll admit it."

"I know, I can tell. But it's okay, I promise to do the best I can. And while I'm not a sleep specialist, I know people who are that I would trust with my life."

"Don't know how she'd take to that, it felt like pullin' teeth just to get her to agree to this."

"Well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the mean time, you guys feel free to get comfortable, and when Snow gets home we'll all have dinner together."

"Sounds nice. Thanks again for this, Serah. I mean that."

"Yeah, I can't help that I've got that whole 'I love you guys and you're my family' stuff that's been going around. The meds for that are still in beta."

Yun laughed, feeling only marginally better.

"How is she doing otherwise?"

"Oh she's great." Yun relaxed a little further with the minor change of subject. "She's wanting to double major. I'm gonna assume you know what that means."

Serah nodded. "What in?"

"Fine arts and Mechanics."

The younger Farron made the strangest face. "Really? Where did mechanics come from?"

"I just thought she should have somethin' a little more practical to fall back on, just in case the art thing didn't work."

"Understandable. Daddy was the same way with me, so I get it.

"And it's not that I doubt her -Claire's scary good- but I'm just bein' the devil's advocate here. Plus mechanics is something I can actually help her with. At the very least my dad could."

Another nod from Serah. "Has that put any more stress on her than usual?"

"Not that I've noticed." Yun's brow knitted in the middle. "She likes bein' busy, though, ya know? Let her sit idle for too long and she gets a little...gloomy I guess. She takes a couple cookin' classes a week...and then there's a study group at school...but nothin' out of the ordinary."

When no response came after a spell, Yun looked up and saw Serah's expression. She was thinking things through, putting pieces together where she could.

"Just give me some time," she finally said, contemplation still darkening her face. "Let me test a few hunches."

"Whatever you gotta do, I trust you."

The day would continue as planned, starting once Snow walked through the front door. Elated to see his former roommate and sister-in-law he hugged them both at once in his still bear-like arms, kissing them each on the cheek. From there he dressed down and worked towards taking a quick shower, but not before suggesting a favorite sushi place for dinner. By the time he had finished freshening up, everyone seemed in agreement with his offer. They all piled into Snow's truck and took the fifteen minute drive into downtown Bodhum, to a somewhat hidden place called Tetsu's.

There was only a brief wait for them to get a table, the dinner rush having yet to really set in, and their drink order was taken just as quickly.

"So, what is sushi anyway?" Claire asked, her expression skewed as she tried to read the menu.

The others at the table stopped and stared for a second, all of them with the same surprised look.

"It's rolls of sticky rice stuffed with all kinds of good stuff." Yun forced herself to answer. As long as they had been together, questions like that still caught her off guard.

"Like what?"

"Veggies, shrimp, crunchy bits-,"

"And raw fish." Snow added.

That last bit made Claire's eyebrows reach for her hairline. "Really? Is it good?"

"Depends on what you get." Serah continued. "I'm not a big fan of the eel or the squid, but the yellow tail is great."

"And it's actually raw?" Everything Claire knew about food was telling her this was not a good thing. Food needs to be fully cooked at all times, especially meat. "How..."

"Ancient Wutai secret." and Snow couldn't help but laugh, even as Serah slapped his arm.

"We'll start ya off nice and slow, sunshine. Just how ya like it." Yun winked, grinning at her lover's reddening face.

The four of them would spend the better part of the next three hours picking over a large platter of assorted rolls while catching up and growing comfortable with one another again after nearly a year. After the meal they chose to stay out a while longer, experience Bodhum at night, which was a whole other world on a Friday night.

It was long after midnight when they returned home, happily exhausted. Snow and Serah stayed up just long enough to help pull out the sofa-bed and wish their guests good night.

"You feelin' all right, darlin? You have a good time?" Yun pushed her jeans passed her knees after kicking off her shoes.

"Yeah." Claire was already in her pajamas. "It was fun."

"You seemed to like the food okay." Yun gave her a knowing look as she pulled down the covers and settled in.

"I'll admit it, I did." Claire switched off the light, hiding her smile as she felt her way through the dark back to the bed. Before she could fully settle, Yun was on her, gathering her up in a snug embrace. Almost too snug. "Clingy, aren't we?"

"It's been a while since I've had to share ya, gimme a break." Yun confessed, smiling somewhat stupidly against Claire's neck. "And while you're at it, gimme a kiss too."

A little giggle as she rolled over, and a sigh of comfort as she put her arms around Yun's neck to encourage their lips together. Neither were quite in the mood or in the comfort zone for love making, but it was easy to tell it was on both of their minds the way their bodies tried to weave together, how their kisses deepened for a moment.

"Good night, Yun." Claire whispered.

"Sweet dreams, sunshine." and it was an honest wish.

Author's Note: I don't know...I don't even. It's just kind of happening. Hope you guys enjoy. Not to speak too soon, but I might be getting my groove back. Guess we'll see. See you next chapter, I hope.