Oh, and I'm sorry this took so long.. I'm a Freshman in High School, so I'm having trouble adjusting to all the new projects at one time. I got a little behind in my work (I have a D in History), so I thought it was best if I didn't continue the story until vacation, that way I could get it my complete, undivided attention.
P.S. I have the next two chapters already written..
P.P.S. In case you were wondering about my new pen name, it's latin for 'The Truth Writer'.
Stay On The Outside
They stood in the lab together even when the clock told them it was lunch. They stayed silent the entire time, neither wanting to distract the other's thoughts. It had occured to both that the silence was anything but peaceful (least of all welcome) and the each was thinking the same thoughts as the other. Severus was beginning to get anxious waiting for Hermion to say something. Bursting out in song was a better way to go about things at that moment. (Merlin, I must be mental to think that.)
"Oh, Merlin.. Say something."
Hermione looked up at Severus, desperate to say the words he wanted to hear. She searched his brown eye, looking for something other then the hope she saw. She knew this potion was more then just another victory to him. It meant the difference between keeping and loosing a friend. The concept was still very hard to grasp for Hermione, even after all these hours. She was friends with Severus Snape, her once very much unliked Potions Master.
She wished very hard to find her voice. Then all of these things in her head wouldn't be just in her head. All the knowledge, everything she knew, would be shared with someone, shared with the one person who had become her only confidant lately, with her friends gone and her parents so far away.
That's right.. He was her only confident. Why was she worried about telling him? It's not like the knowledge, the truth, wasn't anything he could judge her by. The truth, well.. He deserved to know, she figured.
"It didn't work, Severus..", she said calmly.
"What?", he asked, worried he had heard her correctly.
She smiled warmly at him.
"I faught it. I faught hard, for whatever reason, to stay sick. This is how it's meant to be."
Meant to be..., Hermione repeated silently. She wondered how just that morning that sentance could have ever been pleasent. In her dream, the idea that she was destined to be with one person her entire life, and even after that, had been a comfort. Now it scared her knowing that no matter what she did, something so horrid could control her life.
"Are you telling me that you think you're meant to suffer?", Severus asked disbelievingly. Could she really think that her life was meant to just slip away while she watched, powerless to stop it? Why would she ever choose to believe it?
"Yes...", she whisperd. She stood up, setting down the potion bottle, which she had clutched in her hands for the past few hours. "Now, you'll excuse me, I have papers to grade."
Severus watched Hermione leave, powerless to stop it.
Hermione would watch her life leave, equally powerless to stop it.
It was just after supper that night that Severus decided to go back and review the notes he had seen a thousand times in the past few weeks, close to a month. He had heard Hermione earlier with her decleration of no hope and belief that things were as they should be. She could believe whatever she wanted to.
He didn't believe it.
He refused to.
If Severus admitted that she was meant to die, he would have to admit that he had opened up to someone, had cared for someone, just to have her taken away. He would have taken a huge risk just to have been crushed.
It suddenly occured to him that the two of them were acting as thought without the cure, Hermione would die almost instantly. They both knew this wasn't the case. She had at least ten years of her life ahead of her with the muggle medicine. More if she took good care of herself. He knew that Hermione wouldn't waste her time sitting around doing nothing, waiting for death. It was on of the things he loved about her.
Severus was too deep in though to notice the word 'love' slip into his sentance.
Hermione was too busy grading papers to even think about Severus in any way, let alone think of things of love on accident. However, it wasn't long before she was done reading first year papers and performing simple spells to transfer the grade on the paper to the respectful person's over all average. She stacked all of the parchments on her desk, planning to use a levitating charm much later when she moved them from her personal quarters to her classroom.
Rolling onto her bed, Hermione sighed. She realized that with the past few months of research (for it had been months for her), she hadn't had much time to simply enjoy reading. She looked for a book on her shelf that was fiction. There were surprisingly few, all of which she had memorized.
Maybe Severus.., she started to think. No- he's a man of fact, not silly muggle fiction in which the leading male is a strong, unfeeling person who only falls in love with the timid maiden, because the two are forced to be around each other. He would never have the kind of book I want. Although, I guess right now I'd take anything I can get. And at least I'll get a chance to see him..
She sat back up and put on her robes. She turned towards her door and exited, casting the lock charm as she left. She walked down the dark corriders, walking the path she had walked hundreds- maybe even thousands- of times before. Getting to the dungeons, Hermione started to forget what it was she was hoping to accomplish. She was nervous, and for what reason? She and Severus were good friends.. She was allowed to be there.
She turned down the passage way that lead to his room. Knocking on the door, she suddenly felt her nerves calm and couldn't help but whisper a 'finally', which coincided with Severus opening his door.
"Well, Hermione, I wasn't aware that I was taking so long. Please, come in."
"Um.. Sorry. I was talking about something else. It wasn't you, believe me."
She walked into his room, her eyes falling on the Library that she had searched so many times before. She looked over to his desk and saw several parchments out and opened. They looked familiar to her, as they should have. She instantly recognized them as the parchments from the months of research she had done, and the month he had done.
"Something I can do for you?"
"I came to ask if I could look through your library.. I wanted a book. What are you doing?", she asked, quickly adding the question on as if it went with the rest of what she had said.
"Well, you said you didn't want to work on the cure anymore, so I thought I would..", he explained.
"Severus, that's great, and quite possibly very sweet of you, but please.. Don't.."
He looked at her, allowing his confusion that melted with anger show on his face.
"What do you mean 'don't'? You can't stand there and honestly tell me that you want to die!"
"No, of course I don't want to die, but it's happening. This is how it's meant to be. Every person's life includes suffering, Severus. Just because mine comes sooner, it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world."
He shook his head.
"I don't get why you refuse to have hope."
"And I don't get why you refuse to give up.", she challenged. "Give me one good reason why I should do all of that work just to fail. I'm tired of having my hopes crushed. I'm tired of spending all of my spare time on a project that's not even going to be successful. I love spending time with you, I do, but please.. This hurts me too much." She pleased with her eyes, adding to her wavering voice. "So please.. Just let this go."
He shook his head again and barely said the words 'I can't'.
"Well why not?"
"Because I've lost enough as it is. I don't want to lose you, too.", he answered honestly. He walked back over to his desk, grabbing a fresh parchment. One to use to take notes on the notes. "Now if you'll excuse me."
Hermione, knowing he wanted her to leave, turned to the door. As she left, the fact that she didn't get a book only breifly crossed her mind.
She couldn't let herself go back to her rooms. She needed to find somewhere away from her normal every day surroundings. It was only early October (very early) and it was still quite warm out. These were the things that decided Hermione's destination: The Astronomy Tower.
It wasn't often that Hermione felt the need to star gaze. In fact, it was only when something was bothering her that she sat out under the night sky, allowing herself to enjoy the beautiful scenery while getting completely lost in her thoughts. But every time that she did, she usually made a comment about how she should do it more often. If only the mood struck her more often.
Her thoughts stopped being so.. busy and finally settled on one topic. The one topic that she really wanted to think about, and the only topic that she wanted to think about: Severus.
Don't go getting any ideas. She didn't fancy herself obsessed with him. Nothing to that extent. She was just curious about his comment.
What could he possibly have meant? Surely, he didn't mean that had he lost her, he would have been affected.
Although, it made sense. He did declare them friends. And it was he that was unwilling to give up.
But he didn't mean it as anything more then a strictly friend kind of way.
Did he?
Hermione wasn't sure anymore. She wasn't really sure of anything anymore. Being diagnosed had changed her routine. Her first failed potion changed her way of thinking. The second failed potion changed the way she was. For all she knew, she had completely lost track of who she was. For all she knew, Severus had lost track of who she was. And for all she knew, she was alone in the world.
She had never been more terrified in her entire life. Suddenly, despite her loving parents and two best friends in the entire world (And an ex professer that somehow fit into the equation), she was utterly alone. She was the only one of them dying. She was the only of them suffering.
She was the only one of them that knew.
But she didn't know what she knew.
"I thought I might find you up her, Hermione.", a voice interupted her thoughts. Ramblings, really.
"You always know what to think, Severus."
It was true. The man that was invading her thoughts was now invading her star gazing. His black robes swished as he took a seat next to her. Funny how she didn't notice she hadn't grabbed her robes until then. Especially since it was one of the first things that he noticed. He immediatly took off his warm clothing and gave it to her. She graciously accepted.
The two sat in silence, neither daring to speak a word. They both were thinking about different things and they both knew it. Severus, thinking of her lack of hope. Hermione, thinking of Severus's words.
If only she understood. If only..
"What did you mean earlier?"
"About what?", he asked, confused. He hadn't realized he had said anything that might be construed as confusing.
"You said something like.. you've lost enough and you didn't want to lose me."
"I meant what I said. You're my friend, and if I lost you know.. Merlin, there would be hell for me. You're the only person who understands, Hermione."
She nodded. Just as she thought.
"If you truly want me to stop trying, I will."
She looked over at him.
"No. Keep searching. I'm not going to help, but if it means that much to you.. Go ahead."
It wasn't much later that Hermione had found herself in bed. And it was even sooner that she found herself waking up. She sat up, tears welling in her eyes. It was just a dream.., Hermione had to tell herself. There was no need to cry, because she didn't die. She didn't lose her parents. She didn't lose her job. She didn't lose Severus. She didn't lose herself.
Severus, Hermione repeated.
Suddenly, her friend was all she could think of. She had to tell him of her dream. Hell, she needed him. She wasn't sure how to feel about that. In her school years, she had needed Harry and Ron. She had needed knowledge. She had needed everything in Hogwarts. But now, as an adult.. The idea of needing anyone that wasn't just herself.. Quite frankly, it frightened her.
But she did. She needed him. And not just when ever she managed to find him. She needed him now. She put a robe on over her pajamas, wasting no time. If she needed him so badly, she would go to his room.
And like that, she was gone.
Spoilers
[Scene: Quidditch Pitch (Empty). Hermione and Severus are talking.]
"Thinking?", he asked, slightly starting to get angry with the childish actions. What if there had been an attack?
"Yes, thinking. I just needed to clear my head. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get away from everything."
[Scene: Hermione's rooms. Severus has just come over, furious.]
"I think the correct question is are you crazy!?!?"
"Sorry I scared you. I was just.. thinking."
"Are you crazy? You know my password. You could have just used it.", Hermione said.
Figured I owed that to you, especially since I've just finished typing that up.. Lol.