AN: It's a new year and I need to write some snark.

Stephenie Meyers wrote the original, but this would be my version. It's . . . Umm . . . Different.

Enjoy. (P.S. I'll finish White Picket Fences someday. I'm stuck. So very, very stuck.)

Incredibly Weird World of I.M. Swan

Chapter 1

I think that kid in the van is drunk.

That ugly, blue pimp mobile was weaving in the parking lot like it was actually aiming for some kind of contact. It almost hit me in this piece of rusty junk and I had just pulled in the parking spot. That kid literally fell out of the van. I was sure he had a flask in there.

The kid was the only African American in a sea of lily white assholes who were all staring at my vehicle. I don't blame him for getting drunk. Having this group of gawking idiots as classmates, would make me need a beer too.

Forks High was surrounded by gray like this whole state. It had been raining since Chief Charlie threw my suitcase in his cruiser at the airport .This is the kind of weather that drove a person insane. I read that people in Alaska go crazy after those days of constant sun or darkness. Forks and the gloomy weather probably had the same effect. However, all the the locals could be the true reason for loss of brain matter. Renee warned me about it right before she pushed me on the plane. She grew up here, so she was probably an expert about insanity. Renee was a prime example. Mother-of-the-Year was not in her future.

I turned up some more angry Ani DiFranco on the stereo. It was a cassette player so the sound coming out of the speakers was mostly static when she was singing angry rants. It just fueled my ire at this high school experience that hadn't started yet. I should have dyed my hair blue and added some wicked piercings before I left Arizona. Renee would have found it cute. Chief Charlie was trying to be a "cool" dad, but I was certain if I came home with a look like that I would be sent to reform school.

My calendar was being marked off daily until I could escape to college. Freedom for experimentation and being left the hell alone in my dorm room with pizza. It was a dream that would get me through this abyss of teenage stupidity.

The hunk of spare parts started shaking and rattling. I was gifted this thing in the morning by Chief Charlie and his fishing buddy. The fishing buddy's kid drove it over to me before I left for school. I was fairly certain that the kid was too young to drive. He was all skinny arms and legs with most of his weight being his long black hair. The story was that he fixed this death trap out of the goodness of his adolescent boy heart. The way he kept winking at me made me certain that the perv was trying to get laid. The memory made me want to throw up in my mouth again.

The fishing buddy was making plans for my future wedding to the perverted child hair model with Chief Charlie the whole time they were there. It made me imagine pushing fishing buddy out of his wheelchair and running him over with the junkyard truck dowery they just bestowed me with. It's a horrible thing to think, but being in an arranged marriage with that little shit who kept adjusting the front of his pants while staring at my boobs was a worse thought to occupy my mind.

I shut off the truck reluctantly. A part of me wanted to just hide in here on the slightly rank smelling seats, but there was a very good chance that it would blow up if it ran any longer. The jerks seemed to be waiting for me to get out. They were like sharks just circling around and waiting for the first blood to seep in the water to attack. They were just foaming at the mouth waiting for the fresh meat to make an appearance. The worst they could do was annoy me to death. I could handle that in my sleep.

The first lesson of the day is how to ignore people. It's all about the headphones. You stick them on and turn up the pissed off rock up really loud. They might try to talk to you, but you just keep walking and rocking out to the music pumping in your ears. If they find you rude enough, they'll never talk to you again. That would be the goal if you performed your task correctly.

My destination in sight, I put my headphones on and headed out into the drizzle that made Forks into a soppy wetland. I kept my head down and walked quickly toward the front door. I was so close—

There was a bright flash in front of my eyes causing me to lose my balance. I barely kept myself upright. I pulled off my earphones. The blaring sounds of Sonic Youth guitar riffs fading away. "What the hell are you doing?"

It was an Asian guy with a camera in his hands. He pushed his floppy bangs out of his face. "The new girl has arrived! I'm Eric Yorkie, your guide to all things Forks. You a little clumsy, huh?"

"No."

Snapping a bright flash in a person's eyes would make anyone unsteady, asshole.

"You are going to be the star of the front page of The Fork's High Gazette!" He sounded so excited. He must be drunk too. A school full of alcoholics was going to be a blast. I should alert Chief Charlie to bust all of them. It could be an early Christmas present.

"No."

The guy frowned at me. He couldn't take a firm negative answer. "But you're the Chief's daugh—"

"I will hurt you."

"You're very scary." He did in fact sound frightened.

"Yes."

That's when I heard a loud laugh coming from some fancy cars near the school. It might have been the administrative staff's parking area, but the BMW, Porsche, and Hummer were not the type of vehicles that a public school salary could easily afford. The Volvo, however, had to belong to the secretary or lunch lady. It was perfect for lugging around screaming babies. My grandmother had one. She could barely see, but it had safely got her and her cranky buddies to bingo at the senior center for many years. Gran only hit a few parked cars in her golden age. I call that a win.

The actual owners of these luxury vehicles were leaning on them looking like models who might be ghosts. They were so pale they bordered on translucent. The pale moonlight had nothing on the lot of them. A werewolf would get confused and turn to a rampaging beast if one of those good-looking apparitions mooned it. The paleness wasn't really a problem with me. I wasn't exactly bronzed either. It was the look on their perfect faces. They were entitled creeps. I hated entitled creeps.

Two of the boys and one of the girls were looking at me like I was dirt. Their faces was pursed like they were sucking on lemons. The blond boy and his blonde pin-up twin seemed to want to suffocate me with their glares. The other girl, whose dark hair looked like it was hacked off with dull scissors, observed me like I was science experiment. It was the fattest of the pretty ones was the idiot laughing at me like I was a joke.

There was only one choice.

I gave fat ass the middle finger salute.

His dimples disappeared and he mouthed, "What the fuck?"

I answered him with another middle finger and a grin.

Fat ass's mouth dropped open.

The redhead standing next to him made a growling sound that echoed in the air. It was really weird. I will admit that Archie Andrews was an attractive sort, but I wasn't Betty or Veronica and I certainly didn't find male aggression to be a turn on.

He didn't looked impressed when I rolled my eyes at him. We stared at each other with barely contained detest. If Archie wanted a staring contest, he would get one. I never lost.

A girl with big, brown eyes and bigger tortoise shell glasses moved in front of me. It ended my angry stare off with the pissy ginger. She sounded awestruck as she informed me, "You just stood up to the Cullens."

"So?"

"That's really cool." The girl held out her hand. "Angela Weber."

I broke my own rule and let her touch me to shake my hand. I already kind of liked this quiet girl and I never liked anyone. "Bella Swan. Can you show me where the office is?"

"Sure!" This Angela Weber We headed up the stairs leading to the front doors. "I should warn you. They rule this school."

I looked back at the sneering Cullen's. I gave them a jaunty wink. "Not anymore."

Forks might be fun after all.