1. Prologue

Jack,

I suspect this letter will find you worried, upset, and possibly very angry. Hopefully you did not break down my door to find it. Know that above all, I am alive and I am all right. I have, however, left Cardiff, but you probably knew that as soon as you stepped into the flat. I'm sorry that you had to find out this way, but it was the only way. I couldn't tell you, because I know that you would have tried to talk me out of it, and I would not have been able to do this otherwise.

I am leaving Torchwood. I am leaving of my own free will, and by the time you read this, I will be miles away and starting a new life. A different life, perhaps even a normal life. You will find several level 6 Retcon pills missing from the medical bay, so rest assured that Torchwood's secrets, as well as your own, will never be revealed. I won't even remember Canary Wharf, and in many ways, I am grateful to be able to finally purge that horrific memory.

Please believe me when I tell you that I am not leaving because of anything you or one of the others may have said or done. I am leaving for the most selfish of reasons. I am not afraid to die in the line of duty, but I could not bear what it might do to you or to the team. When you left us for your Doctor, we barely survived the loss. When Gwen threatened to leave with Rhys, you were furious and gave in to her demands, willing to let her stay at any price. When Owen died, we were all devastated, and you risked everything to bring him back.

I can't do that to the team, Jack. I can't do that to you. I won't be the one who gets killed chasing a Weevil and leaves everyone behind to cope with the mess. Perhaps I flatter myself that the team would grieve as much for me as we did for Owen, but I saw how almost losing Gwen affected you. I saw what actually losing Owen drove you to do. I do not want to be coddled and protected and left behind in the Hub, nor do I want to become a liability in the field, to you or the team. And I don't want you to be upset when I die, because if I stay here, someday Torchwood will claim me, as it claims us all. I know you well enough to know that you would blame yourself in some way when that day comes. I could not bear for you to carry that guilt for eternity. And I cannot imagine what it would be like to come back to the half-life that Owen has found.

I suspect that you, and the others, may feel betrayed by my actions, but at least you are not mourning my death. You can rest easier knowing that I am safe and alive, and I can rest easier knowing that you will recover from this and move on, as Torchwood must always do. At least it will not be under the shadow of death, but the promise of life.

I will miss you, Jack. More than anything in my life, I regret having to lose my memories of you and all that you have come to mean to me. There have been times when I wished that we could have a normal life outside of Torchwood, but it was not meant to be. You are a time-traveling immortal, and I am a simply one man who has seen too much, experienced too much, and loved too much. It is time to put that behind me and start over. I suppose I am lucky in that I get a second chance at a normal life, but I know deep down that I will always yearn for more. For the wonder of the universe, but especially for you.

Please don't be angry or sad. This was my choice and my choice alone, and I accept the consequences. I am sorry to hurt you, as I know this must, and I will bear that burden for the rest of my life, even if I don't know why.

Please don't try to find me. Looking back to the past will bring nothing but pain and regret in the future. Move on with your life. Find love, share laughter, and live each day to the fullest. That may sound like a trite greeting card, but it is my hope for both your life and my own.

I may have never told you, but I love you, Jack. I hope that knowledge will help you find peace someday. You are more special than you know, and more deserving than anyone I've ever met. You will always be in my heart.

IJ

Jack stared at the single sheet of stationery, the looping script growing blurry as his eyes filled with tears. Brushing them angrily away, he crushed the paper in his hand and stalked through the flat, though he knew that he would not find what he so desperately wanted in that moment. He felt as if his heart were breaking within him, crumbling into a thousand pieces that would never, ever be whole again.

Ianto had left. He was gone. Forever.

Author's Note:
A short introduction to set the stage. Rest assured that this is not your typical Retcon fic. It stems from yet another Gmariam/Tamaar discussion in which she posited one thing, to which I added another, and it took off from there. I do hope you join us for the ride. Thank you for reading, and please let us know what you think!