"If you stay the course your happiness will come"

– Snow White

Chapter 1: Stay the Course

Regina doesn't know who else she was expecting on the other line, seeing as everyone who would call her is within shouting distance, or off in a ridiculous snit that is probably going to end in death. Still, when Robin's voice hits her ear she's surprised. No, not surprised. Surprised is too soft a word. It doesn't come anywhere near describing the jolt of joy, anger, pain, hope, and fear that zips through her nerves with the force of a lightning bolt, leaving her slightly numb and trembling just enough she's glad it's dark out and Snow probably can't see.

"I've just found something you have to see, right now."

His tone is… urgent? no, excited. She can practically hear his grin, all dimples and shining eyes and boyish excitement. It sends another shock through her nerves, this one mostly fear, although there's excitement too and, though it's such a new sensation she struggles for a moment to name it, there's hope.

"Right now?" Part of her, the part that is excited and not afraid to hope, wants to run to him right now, but the Saviour is in danger and she's one of the good guys now which means saving Emma Swan has to come first. "I'm sorry but I'm in the middle—"

Snow places a firm hand on her arm, cutting her off. Regina lowers the phone to her shoulder and turns to her step-daughter. "Go." Snow is smiling. Regina can practically see the shining hope in her eyes and for one this doesn't irritated her. Before she can ask Are you sure? Snow smiles, "We've got this."

"He found something." Regina can hear the wonder in her tone and she's again happy for the darkness and the isolation so only Snow can see and hear her. She's embarrassed by the welling hope in her chest. She's a villain. She has no right to the fluttering feeling in her chest, the half formed thoughts ricocheting inside her mind. She had no right to hope, because she has no right to a happy ending, not after everything she has done.

"Maybe it worked" Snow looks entirely too smug, yet, for once Regina wants to hug her more than hurt her. Maybe..? No. She knows what is in store for people like her, she shouldn't let herself hope. It will only make the pain worse when life turns out how she knows it has to.

"Well if it did, I owe you a quarter." She tries to make it a joke. She's hopeful now. She can't help it. She feels like she floating, like she's invincible, like somehow someway she will finally going to get a taste of what it's like to be a Snow White or Belle or Emma Swan, what it's like to be a hero. She tries to squelch the traitorous, dangerous, feeling as she raises phone back to ear and says "I'll be right there," but she can't.

For the first time in a very long time, Regina has hope.

Snow offers her David's truck, but Regina refuses. She wants to walk, needs to. There's a nervous energy thrumming through her veins and she doesn't trust herself behind the wheel. But there's another reason, even as hope surges through her there's a small practical part of her brain that tells her no matter what Robin found, or thinks he found, it doesn't change anything. That part of her brain tells her to hang on to this euphoric feeling as long as she can, because there's no way it will last. So she walks, and she tries to hold on to the feeling of hope.

.

The library is a strange meeting place and Regina finds herself freezing for a moment before opening the door. She hasn't been able to pass by here once since Emma Swan decided to stay in Storybrooke without remembering the day the clock hands began to move again and she knew that her curse was breaking. That moment was one of absolute terror. She wasn't happy, but at least, unlike back in the Enchanted Forest, no one else was happy either. It wasn't the fulfilment she had imagined from the curse, but it was darkly satisfying to watch Snow White and her ridiculous Prince Charming trying and failing to find one another. Now she feels shame when she thinks of how much pleasure she tried to derive out of their misery. That guilt, along with the relief she had felt when splitting Snow's heart in two somehow worked to keep David alive, tell Regina that she really has changed. Even if at times she still gives in to her more basic nature, which still gravitates towards the dark like a moth to a flame.

She has changed, but she will never stop being The Evil Queen, not really. The traitorous thump-thumping of her heart as she turns the knob and opens the library door testifies to that. She should be avoiding Robin. She should push him away, make him forget about her so he can save his wife. But she can't. She wants him in her life. He makes her feel like Regina Mills, a woman and a mother, instead of The Evil Queen, a monster who destroyed everyone's happiness out of pure spite. So she let him kiss her whenever he tried, let him run his hands over her bare skin and burry himself inside her, and she will let him again, because she wants to be the woman he sees when he looks at her. But she knows, deep down where she hides the thoughts too painful to look at regularly, that by letting him love her she isn't becoming that woman, she's reverting to old patterns. If she keeps this up she isn't going to be 'just Regina' anymore; her resilient heart is going to darken further until even the bright point that is her love, for Robin and for Henry, fades to black.

"If you stay the course, your happiness will come." Snow's words stab at her like a knife. Stay the course, sure, like it's easy. Staying the course, making the right choice, means walking away. And here she is, pushing through the door, telling Robin I got here as fast as I could (A lie, but what about their relationship isn't at this point) What's so important you couldn't say over the phone? and feeling like her heart is going to pound its way out of her chest. No wonder the author of the book didn't see fit to give her a happy ending. She hasn't really changed a bit.

Robin's blue eyes are glued to her face. There's a sparkle of excitement in them, and for perhaps the first time since his wife suddenly reappeared in their lives, she can't find a trace of guilt. That should maybe make her happy, but instead she feels her own guilt triple. He gestures down to the table and her eyes follow his hands, a dart of amused exasperation running through her when she sees the story book, which should have been safe in her vault, spread open before him.

"The book you apparently stole from me? Yes, I remember it quite well." She can't hide a smile at his brazen response of You knew I was a thief when you met me. Indeed she did. She's sure there's a cheesy line she should be saying about him stealing her heart, but she's not quite that besotted yet. Although, the fact she finds his thievery charming rather than annoying tells her she's not far off.

When Robin hands her a folded piece of paper from his pocket, Regina takes it in fingers that tremble slightly in anticipation. She sends him what she hopes is a smile, but she fears probably came out as a tense grimace. The paper feels familiar and when she unfolds it and sees an illustration, her first thought is He ripped a page out of my book? But then she actually looks at the image and gasps. "This is us?" Them kissing to be specific. A long time ago. When she was just Regina. Long hair loose, dressed in peasant garb instead of the carefully structured clothing she had worn like armour as Queen.

Robin points to the picture. "Yes." He confirms. "Inside the pub."

Regina can indeed see a familiar looking chandelier. But how…? "I don't understand. This isn't what happened." She rounds the table as Robin turns to the corresponding page of the book. Two page twenty-threes. Regina stares at them in confusion. In Henry's book she walks away from Robin and the happy ending Tink promised, too afraid to put herself out there. That is what happened. Yet here, on a different page twenty-three, she has clearly chosen a different path.

"This is the meeting that we never had." Robin's voice penetrates her confusion and she finally gives it voice, What does it mean?

She's afraid again. She can feel the fear creeping up like the tide, lapping away at the hope Snow had carefully coaxed out of her less than an hour ago. But when she looks up at Robin's face, it's awash in hope. He's telling her how this means she can have a happy ending, that fate isn't one path. And she wants to believe him. She wants to hope like he does so badly it almost hurts. Suddenly she needs to know more. "Well, where did you find it?" She scans the shelves, looking for a familiar spine. "Is there another book? What shelf?"

Robin's words No. It was in my satchel bring her hopes crashing down again. There's no other book. No alternate history showing her as a hero. There's just this, a page without an author. A joke? The architect of this whole story book having some more fun at her expense?

Robin tries to explain and Regina tries to recapture her hope. It just appeared; "Like magic" she says softly. Maybe it's not a hoax. It's probably a hoax. But what did Mary Margaret say about hope? Regina can't remember the words specifically, but she knows her step daughter thinks hope has power. Maybe it is that simple. Maybe hope pays off. Regina isn't sure she believes it, but she wants to, so she forces her fear down into the depths where it belongs and lets herself decide that this is real, that this page means something, that it is the possibility that Robin believes it is.

She traces her fingers over the matching page numbers and for probably the thousandth time wishes she could go back to that day and walk through the doors of the pub. They could have been happy for decades by now. Roland could be her child.

But then she wouldn't have Henry.

When she thinks of Henry she suddenly has less trouble believing Robin that there are multiple opportunities for happiness. Yes, she could have walked through the pub door that night and lived happily ever after with Robin. But if she had, she never would have met Henry. Henry probably wouldn't have even been born. Neal would be in this world, and Emma in the Enchanted Forest, blithely living their lives never knowing that if they had met at the right time in the right place they would create the most perfect little boy in all the realms.

"Hope." Robin says, "That's not something that would ever happen to a villain. Is it?" He's invading her personal space again, something he's been doing almost as long as she's known him. Leaning in, that hopeful, earnest look on his face.

Regina feels tears welling up in her eyes and she shakes her head mutely. She almost can't believe it, but she does. There is hope for her. If she just stays the course she won't throw away her next chance to be happy. Robin doesn't understand her when she tells him she owes someone a quarter, but the confused tilt of his head just makes her want to kiss him more than ever. So she does.

When Robin's hands slide down to cup her ass, tilting his hips against hers, Regina breaks away. They weren't going to do this again. "We can't." She breathes against his neck, her head leaning against his shoulder.

Robin's hands smooth up her back, holding her gently to him. "I know." His voice is husky and sad.

"You have to save her." Regina doesn't know why she says it. They both know. But maybe he needs the reminder as much as she sometimes does. Marian has been frozen for weeks now and it's easy for Regina to tell herself no one misses the woman. But she knows this can't go on forever. And the longer she lets Robin in, lets herself forget she can't have him, the more times she lets him kiss away her sorrow and his own, the more difficult it will be for her to do the right thing.

Stay the course. She hopes Snow was right about this. The course is not looking very appealing right now.

"I can't." Robin's voice is tight and when he heaves a shuddering sigh, Regina realizes he's on the verge of crying.

She runs her hands soothingly over his back and presses a soft kiss against his throat. "You can and you will. For Roland, for yourself, and…" She draws a deep breath and lets it out slowly, giving herself a moment to decide if this is what she really wants. "For me."

Robin's arm tighten around her briefly, holding her so close she can barely breathe, as if he's trying to absorb her into himself. But then he lets her go, steps back and flashes her a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"I'll be alright," she promises him. "She's your wife, Robin. You have to save her."

He opens his mouth to speak but she presses a hand gently over his mouth. "Don't. I'm going to stay out of your way for a while. Please, don't seek me out."

For what feels like forever, he holds her gaze and she thinks – hopes – that he's going to refuse. But then his eyes drop and he nods. "As you wish, Milady."

Regina stands there long after he has departed. Her back glued to the shelves behind her, the only thing she thinks is keeping her upright. She notices he's left her the book and the new page and she can't decide if she's hurt or grateful that he didn't try to keep either. Eventually she begins to feel the metal shelves digging into her back and she crosses the room on surprisingly steady legs to gather up the book.

Her hands are less steady than her legs and she has no sooner picked up the book but it's tumbled from her hands and landed with a loud thwack on the floor at her feet. She stoops to pick it up, but is suddenly frozen by the image on the page it fell open to. "Of course," she murmurs, a plan forming quickly in her mind. It's drastic, but everything else has failed. And, really, what does she have to lose?

"Stay the course, Regina." She whispers, gathering up the book again and, with renewed purpose, exiting the library. She needs to talk to Gold.