Missed

I write in the hope that someday you will read these words and know that you were loved and loved deeply. From the second you were revealed to me I was instantly and completely devoted to you. When I heard your heartbeat for the first time I cried and when I felt my hand flutter over you I just couldn't wait to meet you.

But I missed it, I wasn't there for you when I should have been and I'm so sorry. I missed your firsts and I missed your seconds and I'll always regret that. I can only hope for you now and I do, often.

I hope that you are here in the world and are happy in it. I hope you are well and so much of my time I just hope that you know of me and know how much you are loved.

Your mother told me once how grateful she was for you and your brother Teddy and how honoured she felt to be your mother and I need you to know I feel the same way.

I love you sweetheart, always and maybe one day I can tell you how proud I am to be your Daddy.

"Daddy," Teddy screeched as I finished my letter and added it to the many more I had written over the years. "I'm in the study," I shouted locking the drawer that held my precious correspondence.

Within seconds he bounded into the room with rosy cheeks and sparkling eyes, Ana's eyes. "Dad, I've been calling all over the house. Gail's had dinner ready for ages and I'm starving," he told me dramatically. "Okay buddy lets go I can't have my boy waste away."

Ted quickly grabbed my hand and marched me off towards the kitchen chatting all the way.

"There you are and I see you've found the boss," said Gail with a smile as she dished out dinner. We all ate together in companionable silence as we enjoyed our meal and we both watched over Teddy fondly.

I can't believe he's going to be five next week, I still think of him as my baby boy. Five years old and three years without his mother, three years lost to her, gone forever.

My mind drifts back to that moment I think about so frequently, I wake with that day imprinted forever on my mind. A beautiful morning in early spring another morning much like any other.

I kissed her lips so softly as she wished me a pleasant day. Teddy was happily bouncing in her arms and his laughter was so contagious we couldn't help but join along. I kissed Teddy goodbye and then stooped down to kiss Ana's belly, I told them to be good for Mommy. Then I kissed Ana once more and told her that I love her, she said she loves me too and then I left for work.

When I returned home later that day she was gone and I haven't seen her since. Teddy cried for her for over a week and grew hoarse calling out her name. Now he doesn't even remember her, it's gone, she's gone but I will never forget.