Chapter 8: Stuck in The Hospital Part 1

It was a cold winter morning in the Griffin home kitchen. Everyone was sitting down to breakfast as Peter was reading a newspaper and grumbling to himself in disgust.

"I can't believe this!" said Peter, "They're thinking about canceling the KISS Christmas special next year because someone was offended over the Jesus scene!"

"That's actually fake," said Zack as he looked at the newspaper, "It was revealed to be a fake complaint sent by some internet troll to cause some media sensationalism."

"What's to stop someone from sending in a real complaint? I tell ya, political correctness is ruining this country," said Peter, "People should be able to say whatever they want and if they don't like it then they should grow thicker skins."

"Okay, then," challenge Zack, "You're a fat stupid manchild with the IQ of a physical donut hole combined with the empathy of a California wildfire who should be ostracized from society but isn't because said society thinks your opinions are more valid than women or minorities all because you got lucky in the genetics lottery by being born a white straight American male."

Peter's face begins to slowly scrunch up until he suddenly starts bawling and bursting into tears.

"What? I thought you said people should say whatever they want," said Zack.

"Not when it's towards me!" Peter sobbed as he ran out of the kitchen.

"Zack I know you wanted to prove a point," said Lois, "But don't you think you could've held back?"

"That's the saddest part," said Zack, "I WAS holding back. I was gonna call him a retarded honkey."

Meg is then walking through the kitchen to the back door carrying Maddie while wearing winter gear.

"I'm going to the post office to pick up some of the Christmas gifts they couldn't deliver on time," said Meg.

"Just be careful out there," said Zack, "There's still a lot of package thieves in the neighborhood."

"Tell me about," said Lois, "We've been fighting off porch pirates more than I care for this week alone."

Suddenly some loud "arrs" could be heard from outside.

"Crap, they're back!", "said Zack as he grabbed his shotgun and to the front door.

Zack runs out the front door and confronts a bunch of literal pirates trying to steal their mail. He hits one of them with the butt of his shotgun and they back away.

"Arrgh!" the pirates shouted.

"Stay back, you savages!" shouted Zack as he fired his shotgun causing the pirates to run back to their ship(that is somehow on land) and sail away.

Later, Meg and Maddie arrive at the post office and wait in very long line.

"I hate going to the post office," Maddie whined, "It smells like dead trees, ink, and creepy old people who don't know how to use computers."

Meanwhile in the very front of the line was Old Man Herbert slowing things down and just being a generally creepy bastard as usual.

"Now I want this package sent to myself," he said, "It's a flash drive with an e-mail in it. Oh, And could you send one of your spry young delivery boys to help deliver it to my step?"

"My boss says we're not allowed to accept mail from you anymore," said the post office.

Meanwhile back in the line, Meg and Maddie notice that Raven is standing right in front of them..

"Hey, Raven," she greeted, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just picking up some packages from my Aunt in Moscow," said Raven, "It's supposed to be a parka made from real bear fur from a bear she killed with her bare hands."

"Wow, is everyone in your family a badass?" asked Maddie.

"Everyone except Uncle Iron Ivan," said Raven, "We call him that because he tried to beat women with an iron."

"So how did that work out?" asked Maddie.

"They were Russian women," said Raven, "He was already dead before he lifted his iron."

Suddenly, a masked man with a gun breaks into the post office.

"Everyone this is a stick up!" said the robber, "I want you all to put your junk in my sack! And I want you all to do it slowly. I want to see those hands in my sack."

"I really hope he means our valuables in that bag he's holding!" said Maddie in disgust.

The people all do what he says and gives him their valuables, all except Raven who simply stands in apathy.

"You too, Gothy!" said the Burglar as he pointed his gun at her, "Put all those piercings from your face in my sack."

"I really hope you mean that bag," said Raven in disgust.

"Hurry up!" said the robber, "I don't wanna have to go over there and rub my sack on your face to get those off."

"Enough with the double entendres already! I'm coming!" snarked Raven.

"Nah.. I'm not gonna say it. It's just too easy," said the robber.

As she walks up to the robber and begins removing her piercing, she quickly grabs him in a hammerlock and tries to wrestle the gun out of his hand.

"Everyone get out! NOW!" shouted Raven.

The civilians run out of the post office. There are sounds of a struggle and then in an instant, a gunshot is heard. The people stare in a mixture of awe, shock, and horror, waiting for someone to emerge... Out ran the robber. That could only mean one thing...

"Oh my god!" panicked Meg.

"M-Maybe he missed!" said Maddie in a nervous reassuring tone.

As they ran into the post office and to their horror it was Raven lying in a pool of her own blood coming from her abdomen.

"OH GOD! RAVEN!" shouted Meg as she ran to her wounded friend, "How could you do something so STUPDI?!"

"No, I got the gun out of his hands," Raven coughed, "But then the gun discharged while it was still pointed at me so I kinda shot myself..."

"SOMEONE CALL AND AMBULANCE!" screamed Maddie.

"Oh my god! She's dead!" said a horrified bank teller as she entered the building.

"No, she's still breathing!" said Meg.

"But she looks so pale!" said the teller.

"She's always this pale. She goth," said Meg.

"But her lips are so black," said the Teller.

"Once again, goth," said Meg.

"But the dark circles around her eyes-"

"WILL YOU JUST GET AN AMBULANCE ALREADY!"

Meanwhile at the News studio, Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons where doing their usual newsanchor thing...

"And that is why alligators make terrible babysitters," said Tom.

A crew member hands Diane a sheet of paper.

"Breaking news! A robbery and shooting has taken place at a local post office. Nobody was harmed except for..." she continued as her eyes widened in horror, "Sasha Blackenki who has been hospitalized and is in CRITICAL CONDITION?! Oh God no!"

She then hurriedly rushes out of the studio leaving Tom alone.

"Interesting..." said Tom nonchalantly, "In other news, soy prices are up."

Meanwhile at the hospital, The Griffins are comforting Olga who is crying her eyes out.

"My poor little detka," sobbed Olga, "She is too young to die!"

"I'm so sorry about all of this," said Lois, "It's terrible when a loved one goes through a tragedy, but we have to get through this like how America can get through a mass shooting every 3 weeks."

"Hey, where's your husband, Boris?" asked Peter.

"He is doing mercenary work," Olga explained, "I have not told him about this because he tends to get sloppy when he worries about Sasha. He still blames himself for 2016."

"What in 2016 does he blame himself for?" asked Lois.

"2016 itself. On January before going on one of his jobs to Russia, Sasha broke her foot and well let's just say it snowballed from there..." said Olga.

As the Griffins continue to comfort Olga, Diane bursts into the waiting room.

"Where is she?" Diane asked hysterically as she was breathing heavily.

"Diane? What are you doing here?" asked Olga.

"I got the breaking news and heard she was shot," Diane explained, "Is she okay?"

"Simmons, this is not the time," Olga stated sternly, "We agreed you would only call in situations like this!"

"Wait, why do you need to see Raven?" asked Meg.

"She doesn't," said Olga, "Because she is leaving. Now!"

"But I need to make sure she's okay," stated Diane as tears were beginning to well up in her eyes, "I just have to!"

"You shouldn't even be here," said Lois, "Dr. Hartman says only family and close friends are allowed."

"But I AM family!" snapped Diane, "I'm Raven's birth mother!"

Everyone in the room gasps.

"Oh my god..." said Stewie in a serious manner, "I didn't know they did plastic surgery here. That woman was definitely not that ample when she came in. Know what I'm saying?"

"Ooh, Nice..." said Cody.

"Yeeeeaaaaaah... This guy gets it!" beamed Stewie, "Cody gets what I'm saying!"

At that moment, Dr. Hartman walks into the room.

"Doctor, how is my little Sasha?" asked Olga in anticipation and worry.

"I have some good news and some bad news," "said Dr. Hartman, "The good news is that the bullet narrowly missed her spine. The bad news is that she did lose a lot of blood..."

"I hope people aren't expecting me to give blood again," said Maddie, "That didn't go so well last time..."

"Don't worry, she's already been given a transfusion," said Dr. Hartman, "She just needs to rest for a few days. You can all come in now."

Everyone from the hall enters Raven's room where the wounded goth was lying in bed. Meg is the first to hug her.

"Thank god you're okay," said Meg.

"Oh, my little Sasha!" Olga cried as she hugged her daughter, "I was so scared for you."

"Mom, it's okay," Raven said as she hugged back, however, she did a double take as she noticed that Diane was in the room. "Wait, what the hell is SHE doing here?"

"I just wanted to see if you were okay," said Diane, "You're my daughter, after all."

"Ah, the old hi and bye routine," Raven snarked, "Takes me back to when I was 3. You know, around the time you abandoned me?"

"You know I just couldn't raise you back then," Diane tried to explained before Raven interrupted.

"You couldn't raise your kid but you could raise your damn career..." Raven muttered as she rolled over in her bed with her back turned to Diane.

"Raven, I was very young then and I couldn't-"

"Save it!" Raven snapped, "Meg is 18 and she's raising Maddie, so that too young excuse doesn't fly with me!"

"Peter, I think we should do something," Lois whispered to Peter.

"We all know this is a difficult time for you and this situation must be diffused with the utmost delicacy, "Which is why we shall exit and give you your space to work things out. Lois, let's bolt for it. I'll start the car!"

"Not so fast! Nobody's going anywhere," said Dr. Hartman, "Quahog has just been hit by a blizzard. This blizzard's gotten so bad that all of the exits in the hospital have been frozen shut. We're all stuck here for the night."

"Wait, are you serious?!" asked Peter in shock, "This is gonna suck more than the time I got chased by those Islamic Radicals."

Cutaway

Two Islamic guys wearing radical 90s clothes were doing skateboard tricks while chasing Peter who is also on a skateboard.

Sorry. This joke seemed funnier in my head.

End Cutaway

"Since we're gonna be stuck here, you may as well fill us in the details of your little mess," said Peter, "Revealing secrets and whatnot."

"Let's start with the obvious. Olga isn't my birth mom," said Raven, "But she's my real mom as far as I'm concerned. She and Boris did a hell of a better job raising me than Diane ever did!"

"Don't you think you're being a little harsh on Diane?" asked Meg.

"Personally, I don't think I'm harsh enough," said Raven

"Still she left in the middle of work to see you," said Meg, "She obviously cares about you."

"The woman left me when I was 3," said Raven, "Do you know what it's like to be abandoned and unloved by the people who brought you into this world? By people who are supposed to love and protect you?"

Meg responds by silently and slowly cocking up and eyebrow.

"Right, stupid question," said Raven, "I forgot who I was talking to."

Meanwhile, Lois turns to Olga.

"I thought you said you were pregnant with Raven and quit wrestling because of it," said Lois.

"I may have only told you half of the story," explained Olga, "Yes, I was pregnant. Yes, I quit wrestling because of it. But when it came time for the birth, I learned the hard way that wrestling damaged my body too much and the child was stillborn," Olga then breaks into tears once again, but quickly wipes them away, "It's something I really really don't like talking about. It is why Sasha means everything to me."

"Oh my... I'm so sorry," said Lois solemnly.

"Let's see if I get this straight," said Peter, "You said that you gave birth to Raven, but you didn't really give birth to Raven and she isn't your daughter but Diane's who we didn't even know had kids until now? Oh man! This is more pointlessly confusing than a Geico commercial."

Cutaway

Two men are sitting at a bus when one of them spots a Geico billboard.

"Huh... 15 minutes or more could save you 15 percent or more on car insurance," said one of the men.

"Everyone knows that, Jerry," said the other man.

"Well... did you know that Genies can be literal?" asked Jerry.

"Everyone knows that too, Jerry," said the other man, "It's practically common knowledge. There's even a trope about it called Literal Genie."

"Oh..." said Jerry, "Well I bet you didn't know that game show hosts should only host game shows."

"Not necessarily true," said the other man, "Drew Carey is not only a game show host; he's also a comedian, actor, and sports executive."

"Oh..." said Jerry, "Well I bet you didn't know that dogs shouldn't drive cars."

"Just save us both the trouble and admit you're an idiot, Jerry," said the other man.

"Geico, we sell insurance," said the TV announcer, "Obviously."

End Cutaway

"Let me set things straight," said Diane, "17 years ago, I got pregnant during my early years of being an anchorwoman. I couldn't keep the baby so I put her up for adoption."

"So does this mean that Raven isn't Russian anymore?" asked Peter.

"I don't think she was ever Russian in the first place, Peter," said Zack.

"Man this is more confusing than when I found out I was part black only to find out later that I wasn't," said Peter, "I hate retcons!"

"Damn it, Peter!" said Lois angrily, "If you're not going to sit down quietly then go out into the hallway."

"Hey, Chris! Wanna race wheelchairs?" asked Peter.

"Okay!" said Chris excitedly.

"Oh no you don't!" Dr. Hartman sternly shouted, "You two aren't going to race wheelchairs on the hospital floor... without helmets!" he said as he pulled out two bicycle helmets, "Now you two scamps go have fun!"

Peter and Chris then happily run out into the hospital halls while Lois gives Dr. Hartman a mean glare.

"What? They're insured, aren't they?" asked Dr. Hartman.

"If there is anything I can do to help-" said Diane before being cut off.

"You really want to help?" asked Raven, "You can help by leaving and getting out of my life!"

Diane looked visibly hurt by what Raven had said. She fought back the tears and tried to put on a stoic face.

"I understand and I'm sorry you feel that way about me," said Diane as she tried to keep herself composed, "If anyone wants me, I'll be in the waiting room."

As she walks towards the elevator, then gets blind sided by Peter in a wheelchair who knocks her down a nearby stairwell. The anchorwoman helplessly tumbles down many flights of stairs before reaching the bottom, groaning in pain as her right leg had twisted during the fall.

"Do-over! I hit an obstacle!" shouted Peter.

To Be Continued