A/N: Hello Hello Hello lovely people who may or may not still be reading this story! As always, I wish I could update more often but I'm in college so I can pretty much only write when I'm on break.

Again, I wish this chapter could be fluff filled, I had originally planned a fluff chapter to go before this one but it didn't end up working so here we are instead:

Alec had been out since very early on in his high school days.

It had kind of just happened one night over dinner.

He still wasn't exactly sure what had gotten into him. Maybe it was because his parents hadn't been home for two months, maybe there was something in the food, maybe it just had to come out at that moment but one minute he had been eating his mashed potatoes and the next he was telling his entire family that he was gay.

So all in all it had been a pretty great dinner.

His entire time in high school was spent being gay in theory and not in practice. He had never had sex, never been kissed, never even held hands with another boy. He had kept himself distracted by developing this really weird crush on Jace that was just awkward for everyone involved while it lasted.

Then he went off to college.

His family immediately took to his roommate. Raphael was handsome, charming, deeply religious, spoke Spanish, and wanted to be on the pre-med track.

It was almost like he was the perfect first son and brother that they had never had.

But Raph was a good roommate. They had absolutely nothing in common but it worked for them. He never tried to make Alec feel inadequate in any way. When he heard about Alec's plans to major in art and creative writing, he didn't immediately launch into a 'you're going to end up homeless' tirade but instead asked him questions about his work, influences, and favorite artists. He never asked Alec what was wrong with him when he stumbled over his words, ended up making a fool out of himself more times than not, or struggled with making friends.

Raphael had no such problems. He had an aura about him that drew people in without having to try all that much, he was just naturally charismatic and knew how to deal with people. He was always getting invited to go to events and parties by people who wanted a variety of things from him from notes to a hookup- something that would never happen because Raph had no interest in sex but it didn't stop them trying.

He always invited Alec and he usually tagged along to club meetings and dinners and sometimes even the odd date or two. He tended to skip out on the parties, though. His week was so packed with both his and Raph's activities, the only way he wanted to spend his weekends was by doing his homework and sleeping.

And there was the fact that he had no idea how to act at a party.

But this weekend, after he had spent the entire week cooped up in their room working on his project for his drawing class. Raph had refused to take no for an answer so Alec put on a shirt without any holes in it and let himself be dragged.

Alec hated alcohol. He had never understood why people pretended to like something that actually tasted like cat piss but what he could appreciate was the effect it had on him. He still stumbled over his words and had no idea what he was doing half of the time but it helped ease his anxiety that came after he ultimately embarrassed himself.

So he stood in the corner, nursing his nth beer as people mingled and danced around him. Raphael was effortlessly flirting with some girl on the other side of the room and was making it look so easy.

It was in that corner at that random party that they met.

He was tall and imposing with hair such a light shade of blond it was nearly white and eyes so black Alec couldn't make out his pupils. He stalked around the room taking in everyone like they were his prey.

And he just so happened to stop on Alec.

The boy walked right up to him- taking up all of his space until Alec become overwhelmed by his heavy cologne, the hot breath against his face, and the hand resting just above his head. He had gone from never being looked at with interest to this in all of five seconds and he had no idea what to do.

"Hi." The boy said simply and smiled in a way that made Alec's heart do backflips in his chest.

Where did he put his hands? Where did he look? What did he say? Why hadn't any of Raphael's natural talent for talking to people worn off on him? This was a completely unfair situation that he was obviously going to mess up.

"H-hi."

The other boy leaned even closer. His lips were so close to Alec's ear that they brushed against his skin. Alec felt like he was going to burst into flames.

"Why are you over here all by yourself, hmm?"

He didn't really have a great answer. "I'm just trying to take this all in."

"I have an idea that might just help with that." A hand snaked down to touch his. "Why don't you dance with me?"

Alec felt like his brain was short circuiting. He couldn't even remember the last time he had danced with someone- probably Izzy's quinceanera and it definitely hadn't been with a cute boy that was giving him bedroom eyes and standing close enough to kiss. He would surely make a fool out of himself and he didn't have nearly enough alcohol in his system to not care about making a fool out of himself.

"I-um-I was g-going to get a refill first." Alec gestured to the empty bottle in his hand and felt his face fill with heat.

The blond boy didn't seem put off and instead gestured him forward. "Of course. I'll be here when you get back."

Alec (thankfully) managed to get to the other side of the room without looking back or tripping over his feet so he decided to take that as a small win.

He locked eyes with Raphael as he made his way to the drink table and his roommate immediately followed behind him.

"Everything going alright over there, amigo?" His roommate asked.

"Yeah. Yeah, nothing I can't handle." Alec tried to sound reassuring but he couldn't stop himself from scratching at the back of his neck out to nerves.

Raphael raised his eyebrows at that.

"Okay fine. I have no idea what I'm doing. Help me."

"Well first of all-" Raph started while reaching out to pour himself a drink. "Do you even know who that is?"

Alec thought for a moment before shaking his head.

Raph handed the cup off to him and started to pour another one. "Jonathan Morgenstern. He's a senior. Word is he goes through people faster than he can buy condoms."

"Um- that- that doesn't h-help at all Raph. Uh-What the hell am I supposed to do? How do I act? Where do I put my hands?" Alec didn't want to have a freak out in the middle of this party but he could feel the beginnings of one coming on.

"Just calm down. Take a breath." Raph put his hands on Alec's shoulders before he could disappear into his head. Alec looked into his friend's eyes, followed the instructions and tried to ground himself.

"Just dance with him." Raphael continued. "Be yourself. See how it goes. Don't let him pressure you into doing anything you don't want to. And if he tries- I'll be right over here."

He felt a bit of relief knowing that his roommate had his back but at the same time- be himself? Being himself hadn't really helped him before. But he nodded anyway, took a huge sip of his jungle juice and made his way back to Jonathan.

The blond smirked at him before grabbing his arm, pulling him closer and beginning to dance.

By the time Alec had finished his cup he had only stepped on Jonathan's feet twice which wasn't actually as terrible as he was expecting. But Jonathan didn't get mad about it- just continued to smile and laugh good naturedly the whole time. He was actually really nice and respectful too. He kept cracking jokes in Alec's ear and asked him if he was feeling comfortable with his hands on his waist, the thigh that worked its way between his legs, and the fiery kisses on his neck.

But that was as far as it went.

He wasn't sure what his answer would have been if the older boy had asked him back to his room but he wasn't given the chance because John didn't even hint at it.

After a little bit more than an hour they kind of just went their separate ways without any fanfare whatsoever.

Alec walked back to his room with Raphael feeling weirdly dissatisfied.

But of course, because the universe worked on a different set of rules on college campus'- after that first encounter, Alec began to see Jonathan everywhere- while he was walking across campus, while leaving class, going back to his room. One day, after he had spotted the blond on at least six other occasions while heading into the dining hall he looked up to see the person who was holding the door open for him was none other than Jonathon Morgenstern himself.

He smiled and it was even prettier in the daytime while Alec was completely sober.

"Hey. You're Alec right?"

Alec nodded dumbly.

"Any chance you would want to sit with me?"

Alec nodded again and attempted a smile that he hoped looked friendly and open.

While John led him to a table that they dropped their stuff at he said, "That's weird. I could have sworn you were able to speak the last time we interacted."

Alec felt his face fill with heat. "I am- I- I do. S-speak I mean. I just-" He wasn't even able to finish his sentence. He had never wished for the ground to open up and swallow him more than he had at that very moment.

John just laughed and assured him that he was fine.

Their meal went way better than Alec expected. Mostly because he didn't have to talk very much. John was all too happy to talk about himself and his frat and his major, pre-med like Raphael, and his sports teams because on top of all the other great and impressive things he did- he was a three-sport athlete. Sports had been the thing that had gotten Alec to open up a tiny bit more. He was a student-athlete himself and they spent another solid hour just discussing work out routines, different coaches at their school, the teams they followed, their favorite players, so on and so forth.

No one was more surprised than he was when he left the dining hall that day with John's number saved in his contacts.

Alec never knew how people would react to how ineloquent, how awkward, how quiet, and just how much of a mess in general he was but he had somehow managed to do something right that day.

They kind of just fell into dating after that. Alec wasn't really sure when they had crossed the line between friends that did things together and actually becoming boyfriends. He hadn't even known it had happened until Raphael had pointed it out three months into the whole affair. He had been a weird mixture of pleased and anxious when John confirmed that they were officially a couple but when his new boyfriend had kissed him afterward, Alec couldn't stop smiling for a few days.

John had been his first in every way. He was the first boy that had ever looked at him romantically. The first to hold his hand. The one to give him his first kiss. The one to take his virginity. The first man he ever truly loved (not counting the whole Jace thing).

He was the first boy that had ever looked at him romantically. The first to hold his hand. The one to give him his first kiss. The one to take his virginity. The first man he ever truly loved (not counting the whole Jace thing).

But after his virginity was gone things began to change between them. It had always been hard to see each other with their busy course loads and extracurriculars but in the beginning, they had always made time for each other.

John's time seemed to dry up until it felt like the only time they saw each other was at parties, the sex that happened after, and the odd time during the week when they would run into each other on their way to class or grabbing a meal. John would kiss him and walk with him to where he was going or sit with him at the dining hall.

But over time those actions became cold. The kisses became scarce, the smiles didn't reach his eyes, after sex he would barely even stay long enough to clean off before leaving again.

He became distant and flat out uncaring.

John was the first man to cheat on him over and over and over again.

He became the first man to call him worthless- and the only person who had ever made him feel it wholeheartedly all the way down to his bones.

He was the first person that had ever made him ever feel small and helpless- martial arts training be damned.

But Alec stayed through all of it because John was his first. Because no one would ever look at him, no one would ever touch him, or love him the way John did.

Then John graduated.

And everything that he had said proved to be true because once again, no one looked at him, no one tried to touch him, or hook up with him, or date him. John truly was the only person that would ever be interested in him so when he came back to visit, of course, Alec invited him into his bed with open arms. Of course, he continued to hold onto his 'love' even when only half of his texts and phone calls went answered and John didn't even attempt to come up with any excuses as to why.

This went on until his second semester of Junior year when he went to Spain and finally had a chance to think about what he was letting happen. He ended up officially breaking it off between them something like 2 am Madrid time and then spent the rest of his trip alternating between feelings of relief and extreme misery. He only narrowly avoided calling John again and begging him to take him back by Raphael confiscating his phone and keeping it whenever Alec didn't have to call his family.

Thankfully, Alec hadn't seen or heard from Jonathon in years.

Alec got it.

John had hurt him in ways he didn't even want to acknowledge. He had taken the tiny bit of self-confidence Alec had and smothered it. He completely warped Alec's views on relationships and love and sex. He was still so goddamn scared to take that next step because John had been nice and funny and caring too up until they had gone to bed together and changed their whole dynamic forever.

Alec had wanted to believe that Magnus was better than him. That the same things he had fallen prey to couldn't have possibly happened to someone as confident and magnificent and otherworldly as Magnus.

But he had been wrong.

Magnus was just like him. Magnus had done the same thing Alec had done all those years ago because even though their ex's had hurt them, neither of them were able to fully let go.

Alec gets it.

He gets it so much that it hurts.

And he supposes in an alternative universe the fact that he understands would cancel out the hurt that wants to rip its way through his chest.

But this isn't an alternative universe.

"Alec- say something. Please."

They were in his apartment.

Magnus had just told him everything.

Alec had gone quiet.

He wasn't exactly sure how long it had been since the last word that had left Magnus' mouth and right now.

What was the right response? How did Magnus want him to reply? He wasn't even sure if he was angry or betrayed or anything. He kind of just felt- weirdly empty and like curling up into a ball in the corner and never leaving again. Because really- what else had he been expecting?

Some part of him knew that it was because Camille was familiar- because she had been such a crucial part of Magnus' life and he just kept falling prey to her over and over again. But another part- a bigger part couldn't help but wonder if it was just him. That he was too boring and too awkward and too much of himself to actually keep someone like Magnus interested and the other man just didn't want to hurt his feelings.

"I'm sorry, I just-" And of course that is when the tears came.

Because what was wrong with him? Why wasn't he enough? Why were people never okay with just him and always ended up looking somewhere else?

He wanted to be fine with this. Had forced himself to like living in Jace's shadow every time someone favored his younger brother over him. He reassured himself that he was completely okay with people constantly comparing him to Raphael only to realize he didn't measure up. He had told himself that it was fine when Jonathan had needed more than just Alec to keep him satisfied. He had spent so much goddamn time acting fine that he was nearly convinced that he was.

He had spent so much goddamn time acting fine that he was nearly convinced that he was.

But Magnus was supposed to be different. Magnus was the one who complimented him on his drawings and his stories and wrote music pieces about him and told him how much he loved him and cared for him. Magnus was the one that sat with him in complete silence and didn't make him feel like he had to fill it up. Magnus was the one that made him think that he could actually have a future that was happy and bright. Magnus was so different from every single person he had met in his entire life.

So, of course, it would be Magnus to remind him of all the hurt that lived inside of him because that was the way the fucking universe worked.

He didn't realize that he was sobbing until he felt Magnus' hand come around his shoulders.

He felt ridiculous. It wasn't even like Magnus was breaking up with him or telling him that he was moving halfway around the world. All of the other stuff, all the other people were was in the past and he should be able to let it all go. He needed to in order to focus on what was happening right now.

"I'm sorry Alec," Magnus said while stroking his hair. "I'm so so sorry." Because there was no way that Magnus could read his mind and be able to know that Alec wasn't just crying about this. That these tears were long overdue and had to come out eventually. "I wish I could do more than just apologize to you. I would do anything if it meant you didn't have to feel this way anymore. Just tell me what you want from me and I'll do it."

Alec wrapped his arms around Magnus and hunched over so far his head was almost in the other man's lap.

He took a huge breath. The tears had stopped but he still felt horrible. Perhaps he would tell Magnus about the floodgate of emotion that had been released one day but he didn't think he could do it right now without going into hysterics.

"Just-just don't do it again." That was the only thing he could get out. Like Jonathan had said: he was weak.

And besides, Magnus had hurt him but who hadn't?

A/N: Comments? Questions? Concerns about Alec? Feel free to PM them to me or leave them in a comment.

A quick note about this chapter- I know that this might seem like a lot of emotional diarrhea but I think Alec definitely has a lot of unprocessed emotions that he hasn't really wanted to deal with but now that there is yet another thing thrown at him, he kind of has to. He doesn't really know how to do it, or how to talk about it but maybe he'll finally get to try.

I just have a lot of feelings about Alec, okay? I could probably write a whole essay on him but I won't subject you to that right now.

Until next time!

Alexandermylove