Just an extension of the previous ficlet. Hopefully you like it.

This one's for you, Kimby-pie. Thank you for being your amazing self and for making me the happiest I've ever been. xoxo

R&IR&IR&I

They say that when you spend enough time with someone, you begin to pick up on their quirks. You pick up their mannerisms, their body language... even aspects of their speech. The thing is... this doesn't bother me. If/when I picked up on anything of Maura's, I figured it would only serve to make me a better person, because she's so wonderful.

But I never thought I'd get this particular quirk.

You see, I can't lie.

Well, to be more accurate, I can't lie to her. I can lie to anyone else... could spend the rest of my life lying if that were my wish. But I can't lie to her. It's nothing physical, not like Maura's response to lying... it's not like I would faint or break out in an itchy rash if I did tell a fib. I just... can't.

Maybe it's psychological. I'm sure that's what Maura would say. That somehow, my psyche has created this to make up for the fact that Maura herself can't lie. That, somehow, this is my way of making things even, of making things fair. And maybe that's true. But I think... more likely... it's to do with her. With what she means to me... something I've only so recently discovered.

They say (and who this mysterious 'they' is, I don't think I will ever know) that when you're about to die, your life flashes before your eyes, but that's not what happened to me. When I jumped off the bridge after Paul, I did not see the life I had already lived. I saw the possibilities for the life I had not yet lived. I saw my dreams play out across my mind, in glorious technicolour with surround sound. I saw the possibilities for my life, and I fell in love with that dream.

And then I hit the water.

R&IR&IR&I

"Did you think about any of us before you jumped?"

The room is oddly silent despite the regular noises of the morgue staff carrying out their duties just beyond the open office door. Their noises seem subdued though somehow... almost muffled, and I think that somehow the deep hurt in Maura's eyes is the reason why. The air is thick with her anger and her pain, but she's looking at me. She's looking at me.

"No. I didn't. I didn't think about you," I say to her, so brutally honest because I don't really have a choice, not when it comes to her. But I am also honest because she deserves it. She deserves to know why I do the things I do... why I act without thinking of my loved ones, why I am the way I am. She deserves to know because she needs to know, perhaps more than anyone else. She deserves to know because next to my mother, she's the one who would be most affected by my death. It's her. It's always been her. And maybe, this close call was the one that mattered. Maybe this close call was the one that would count.

I cannot lie to Maura Isles. But I can lie to myself.

Perhaps it's time to stop.

"I didn't think about anyone but Paul," I continue, after listing more people that I love but that I did not think of. I tell her the truth, because I cannot lie. Not to her. "I couldn't have let him drown, Maura," I tell her, and I can hear the slight pleading note in my voice, the yearning for her to understand, and while I can still see hurt in her eyes, she nods once. I let out a breath I wasn't aware of holding.

"I was just afraid I lost you," she whispers. My hand sneaks out across the distance and grabs hers. I worry that she will pull hers away, but while it twitches in my hand, she still allows me to hold it. I feel there's more she wants to say... more she is saying in fact... and I know I need to let her speak, but I know that if I don't say this now I never will. So I interrupt.

"I was in the water for 12 hours."

Maura blinks, her mouth partly open. "Yes," she says. It is a statement but lilts gently at the end... she is confused.

"That's... that's a lot of time to think, Maura."

Maybe now she understands because her hand, previously palm up in my own, twists so that she can entangle her fingers with mine, the clasped hands forming a bridge, a path between our bodies. I ignore the desperate galloping of my heart and look at her, really look. I see the tears that threaten to fall, and close my own eyes against my overwhelming guilt.

"When I was in the water," I murmur, my voice seeming to be the only noise in an otherwise silent building, the consonants and vowels creeping into every corner and lighting them up with their honesty and power, "I knew what I had to do. But I heard you screaming."

"I... I only screamed twice. You would have still been underwater at that point. My calculations tell me that based on the... on the height of the bridge, and..."

"No," I interrupt again, shaking my head. "No, I heard you screaming in here." Using my free hand, I point to my head. I can't see her with my eyes still screwed up tight, but still, I can see the look of confusion on her face.

"Jane?" she asks, when I am silent for a beat too long.

"I took you with me," I tell her, and I open my eyes again. "I took you with me when I jumped."

"You... you took me to the bridge? As your backup?"

Poor Maura. She is so confused, and no wonder... I am barely even making sense to myself at this point. And she is such a literal person at the best of times... I know I need to try harder. I need to explain this in a way she can understand, so that I can understand it too. "When I jumped," I repeat, unable to think of a better way to say what I mean.

"I... I don't..."

"You were with me!" I say loudly, and her eyes widen as she stares at me. "You're... you're always with me, Maura. I just..." I look down at my lap, only looking up when she squeezes my hand slightly, "I guess..." I begin, looking into those eyes of a thousand colours, "I guess I just never realized that before."

"Jane..."

I sit up straight, staring at her hard. I need her to understand... I need her to see. "Ask me again, Maura. But... different."

Maura looks bewildered. "Ask you... what?"

I grab her other hand in my own, turning to face her on the couch. She shifts subtly too, her body turning to face me... it conveys trust, hope and fear. "Ask me... the question that you asked before. After I gave you..." I gesture to the gift bag containing her perfume. She glances down only briefly, perfunctorily, undoubtedly feeling too curious to shift her gaze from my face for long.

"Jane, I don't..."

"Ask. Me," I tell her, the words bitten out, and slowly, I see the light dawn in her eyes. She bites her lip, suddenly nervous, and as I watch, the hives begin to spread across her chest... the reaction one that I know now does not only come from lying, but from high stress situations. I squeeze her hands and smile encouragingly, and finally, finally, she looks at me.

"What did you think about after you jumped, Jane?"

I stare at her, a thousand scenarios entering my mind... the same thousand scenarios that had entered my head in that eternally long period in the water. Making her breakfast, kissing her good morning, kissing her goodnight, holding her hand, stroking her hair, rubbing her shoulders, kissing her, loving her, marrying her... but I don't say any of it.

"You, Maura. I thought of you."

Maybe it's not always about the right question. Maybe it's about the person asking, and maybe it's about the person listening... maybe it's about hearing the question below the surface and answering that instead.

And maybe I'm not good at hearing that below question yet, but I know by the look in Maura's eye that I will learn.

I will learn.

END

As always, I'd love to hear what you think but thank you for just reading. xoxo Much love, -Katie xoxo