A/N: Okay. So this is not what I initially intended for this chapter. On the other hand, this is a lot better. *grin*

Thanks to XHikariSoraX, Kurohi Rokujou, Galskab, Tsukiyomi Sora, Will of the Abyss - AllenxRoad, thor94, momo167, Shaveza, AmaiDango, Minikat006, and AngelHeartsX for reviewing!

Title: Cold Days

Author: liketolaugh

Rating: T

Pairings: None

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: Child abandonment, child abuse, suicidal thoughts

Summary: Allen never says it, but he's always heard Crown Clown, inside his head. Because that might lead to questions about why Crown Clown was always there, and that would lead to questions about his early life. Before the Order. Before Mana. Before Red. (In a time when Allen is too young to take care of himself, Crown Clown cares for both of them.)

Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.

It was dark. He couldn't see. Or there was nothing there. Darker than night, darker than a locked room, darker than solitude.

It was silent, like nothingness. There was no noise, not even his heartbeat, not the whisper of wind or the rasp of his breath.

He was alone. He was alone, he was alone, he was alone, no no no, he hated being alone, no-

He couldn't breathe. There was no air. It hurt. He was choking. He was suffocating. His chest was tight, he couldn't breathe, it hurt. His face twisted in pain and his mouth opened, begging for breath.

He was drowning. He was drowning in the dark and the silence and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't remember his name. He couldn't think. He was alone. How was he alone? He was never alone, but he was alone, why? Why?

His eyes closed and his mouth opened and he screamed, but there was no sound, there was no one to hear him and there was no sound and maybe he had no body but he still screamed.

Please! Please, where are you? Where did you go?

He couldn't think. He was drowning. He didn't know his name. Who was he? Who was he? It hurt. He couldn't breathe. The darkness was suffocating him, like water, like quicksand, like dark earth six feet beneath the ground. There was nothing there, no sound, no light, no one and nothing and he was nowhere and he had no name and he was drowning in nothing.

Where are you? Why did you leave? Why did you leave?

He reached out but touched nothing, he couldn't see his hand in front of his face, his eyes were wide now but it made no difference because there was no light and nothing to see, and he couldn't hear anything, he was alone.

Who was he? What was going on? Why was the darkness tightening around him, strangling him, seeping down his throat and drowning him? Why didn't he have a name, why couldn't he remember anything, why was he alone, who was Neah…?

He choked. He choked and he coughed and he couldn't breathe, his chest hurt, he needed to breathe, he needed to breathe, please. He was drowning. He was going to vanish, he was drowning, he was going to disappear and be gone forever, like parents, like friends.

He was scared. Scared like trembling in the cold, scared like the crack of a whip and hands tied to a pole, scared like "leave, monster, get out of my sight", like a glove off his hand, like silence and screaming. There was nothing and no one and he was no one and he didn't understand, he couldn't remember. No, he wasn't scared. He was terrified. He was terrified because he was no one and there was nothing and he was nothing and the darkness closed around him and suffocated him and he was all alone.

Why did you leave me here?

...Who was Neah?

Was he Neah? Was his name Neah? He thought that that, finding out his name, would be comforting, but no, he was terrified. No. No, he wasn't Neah, he didn't want to be Neah, he wasn't Neah, he wasn't Neah-

Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

He screamed again. The sound was lost in the nothingness and he felt like crying, but he could find no tears and maybe he had no eyes. He wanted it to stop, he needed to stop, he wasn't Neah, he wasn't Neah, don't call him Neah!

He thrashed. What was his name, what was his name? He wasn't Neah, he wasn't Neah, please, stop it! He screamed and his throat hurt but there was still no sound, still no light, still nothing and no one, like alleyways, like "Good morning, Neah!", like a mother's turned back.

He couldn't move anymore and he trembled, he felt tears on his face and he shook but he had no eyes and no face and no voice and he screamed, he was losing, stop it! Don't call him Neah! He wasn't Neah!

He screamed and he choked and his face was wet, he was thrashing again even though he could barely move. He was falling apart, he was disappearing, he was choking, dying, vanishing, no no no nononononono-

-len. Allen, please.

Who was Allen? Was he Allen? He felt scared. But there was a voice. He didn't want to be alone. Who was the voice? It felt familiar. It felt like warmth and comfort and "It's okay, you'll be okay, it's alright, sh, sh".

Allen, baby, please. Listen! Listen to me! Allen!

I hear you, I hear you!

He wanted to scream it, so he did, he arched and screamed it, crying and shaking. But he took the voice and he clung to it, who was it? It knew who he was. He felt like it knew who he was, too.

He wasn't disappearing - he could feel himself, he was there, he was there, he wasn't nothing, the voice knew who he was, so he had to be something.

Allen, don't give up! Don't you dare give up! Please, Allen! Don't forget!

Don't forget? Don't forget… What?

He still couldn't breathe, but it didn't seem to matter as much now. He trembled, but he didn't thrash. And he felt hands on his shoulders, on his arms and legs, holding him. His chest shook, straining. He didn't want to die, he didn't want to die, no no no.

Don't forget everything, Allen! Just remember! You're not Neah! So who are you, Allen? WHO ARE YOU?

Who… who was he?

He didn't know. That was his problem. He was alone and it was dark and it was silent- but it wasn't silent anymore, was it? And he thought that… he thought that he could see green. And he wasn't alone anymore, there was the voice.

So he tried to remember. Who was he?

But he didn't have a name. He had no name, but - called him Baby. Was he Baby?

No. No, he was called 'Demon'. Demon and freak and monster, son of a bitch and bastard. Was he Demon?

But - had called him Red before. And lots of people called him Red when they didn't say those other things. Was he Red?

No. No. No, no, no, no- he was Allen.

He was Allen, he was Allen, his name was Allen, he was Allen. He was Allen. He was Allen!

He gasped and he could breathe, he wasn't Neah, his name wasn't Neah, and it wasn't Baby or Demon or Red, he was Allen, he was Allen, he had a name and he was someone and-

Let me go!

He blinked and he strained and the green light grew, and someone screamed in anger and he woke up.

He woke up and stared up with wide silver eyes. After the dark and the silence and the nothing, the dim light of the moon was too bright, the nighttime sounds of the city too loud, too overwhelming, but he drank it in and shuddered, eyes filling with tears.

He shifted his gaze and saw Kanda staring down at him with dark navy eyes, a slight scowl twisting his face and failing to hide his worry, holding his arms down, scratches healing quickly.

Allen stared at him for a moment, almost blank, feeling wrung out and strained and ready to break down and cry, and then a slight movement attracted his attention and he shifted his gaze again.

Link was farther back, a frown on his face, holding down his legs with a firm grip, eyes unreadable. Allen let out a shuddering breath and let his head fall back, staring at the ceiling, unable to muster up the energy to say a word, to try and reassure them like Mana would, to try and smile and laugh it off. He should, he really should, but...

For a long moment, there was silence, deep and consuming, and Allen's breath hitched-

No no no no no-

And then Johnny's head appeared above his face, eyes concerned through thick glasses.

"Allen?" he asked hesitantly, looking at once concerned and afraid. "Are you alright?"

Allen stared at him for a long moment, and then he squeezed his eyes shut and his breath hitched again, for a very different reason.

It's okay, Allen, Crown Clown said softly, subdued. It's okay to cry.

And Allen did.

Once, I was sad.

Once, I was scared.

Once, I was angry.

I didn't understand.

Now I do, but I wish I didn't.

It doesn't stop.

Please stop. Please.

Ahem. *clears throat* That was actually pretty interesting... like I said, this wasn't originally intended for this story, and it wasn't what I intended for this story, but it definitely works. And now we all know what a Noah takeover feels like, which was my original reason for writing this. *bright smile* This will most likely be the last chapter, unless Hoshino updates and provides me with more fodder later in the series. Thank you so much for reading, and please review!