This is yet another snippet of things that happen around the old Stalag. I decided to pick on Carter a little bit after watching the episode where he gave away their disguises to Germans, not once but twice in the single episode "The Dropouts". Also, in the Schultz Brigade when Carter keeps screwing up, pointing his gun at Hogan and also even firing AT Hogan/Klink/Schultz because he forgets they have the real bullets. So here's yet another case of Carter screwing up, even though he's got the best of intentions.

Langenscheidt stood next to Carter out in the compound on a typically cold and sunny day. The young guard was scoffing at the POW in as polite of a manner as he could. "Nein, der Englander does not speak German. I've heard him. He cannot even pronounce 'Jawohl' correctly."

Carter protested. "He can so speak German. Why, he speaks it so good, you'd think he was born here!"

Hearing the slightly raised voice, Schultz wandered over curiously. "Was is los? What are you arguing about? There should be no fighting in the compound." scolded Schultz.

Langenscheidt smiled and shook his head. "No, Sergeant Schultz, it is just that Sergeant carter is trying to tell me that Corporal Newkirk can speak German."

To Carter's dismay, Schultz laughed as well at the idea. "Newkirk?" He stopped to chuckle again then pointed at Carter. "Nein. Carter is, how do the Americans say? He is 'pulling your leg'." Schultz's ample belly began to shake with mirth. "That is not very nice, Carter, telling fibs to poor Langenscheidt!"

Now looking distressed, Carter wrung his hands and looked around. "I'm not lying! Would I lie?" His face fell when both guards still seemed completely amused by the notion. Suddenly he brightened up. "There he is!
Carter pointed across the compound to the messhall where one of the German cooks was hustling Newkirk out of the door and yelling angrily at him. He gave the prisoner another push further from the door and shook a hand at him as Newkirk spread his hands apart protesting.

"I didn't bloody take anything." Newkirk backed up a few steps when the cook shouted again. "I don't know where the pot is!" He ducked slightly as the German pitched a spoon at him. "Watch it, ruddy Kraut!" The cook went back inside, slamming the door firmly behind him.

Newkirk retrieved the spoon from the dirt and slipped it into a pocket before he noticed Carter waving at him. Carter saw him sigh but he tucked his hands into his pockets and trudged over looking wary. "Wot's up then, Carter? Afternoon Schultzy, Langenscheidt."

"Now you'll see!" Carter gave both Germans a triumphant look before turning to Newkirk. "Show them! I told them how you can speak German so well, almost like you were born here and they don't believe me!"

Carter saw a very distinct look of sheer terror cross Newkirk's face before it morphed to sudden anger and disappeared just as quickly. He almost wondered if he'd imagined it as the Brit's face changed to his normal amiable expression.

Newkirk straightened his greatcoat lapels slightly as he rocked back on his heels. "Well of course I can speak German." His head tilted back slightly in a somewhat haughty pose of confidence. "Schultz taught me some of it 'imself." He launched into such horribly accepted German that Carter could hardly even guess what words he was trying to use. Yet Newkirk seemed quite proud of himself. He wrapped up his short garble of speech with "See? I speak perfect German."

Schultz was laughing too hard to reply. Langenscheidt shook his head while still grinning. "Was that German? I think perhaps it was Polish."

Carter started to protest and Newkirk stepped closer, stomping down on his foot rather hard. The Englishman spoke first. "Why I've never been so insulted in me life!" The outrage was evident in his voice as he drew himself up straighter. One of his hands wrapped around Carter's arm tightly. "We'll just take ourselves back to the barracks if all you Krauts want to do is insult us!" Carter had the choice of walking along with Newkirk or being dragged so he trotted alongside the Englishman.

When they reached the barracks, Newkirk shoved him inside and turned loose of his arm only to snatch him by his ear. "Carter..." he hissed angrily. "Repeat after me." Each word was clipped off sharply. "I shalt not tell the Germans about anything Newkirk has done, will do or can do ever again."

Carter winced as each word was accompanied by a tighter twist of his ear. "I'm sorry!"

"Bloody say it!" Newkirk twisted the ear harder. "Say it or so 'elp me I'll thump you so 'ard..."

Fearing he'd spend the rest of the war as One Eared Carter, the American spoke up quickly. "I shalt not tell the Germans about anything that Newkirk, who is my very best friend ever… has done, will do or can do… I promise!"

His ear was released and he reached up to rub it, wincing at the pain. Newkirk bent to speak into his face, hissing with anger. "Last time, mate. If you talk to the bloody Germans, you're going to get one of us killed. So learn to shut your gob." He stalked off, knocking at Hogan's office door and entering.

Carter went to his bunk and sat unhappily. He still rubbed at his ear. There was no way to even be a little bit angry at Newkirk. Carter was wrong to talk even to Schultz or Langenscheidt. He knew that but somehow when he was chatting with one of them, they didn't always seem like a real enemy. He was just being nice and they were supposed to be sort of nice to the tame guards. Now Newkirk was no doubt filling in Colonel Hogan on stupid Carter's latest screw-up and maybe the Colonel would even want Carter transferred out of the operation.

Carter turned himself around so he could look at Hogan's office door. He could see a slight shifting of shadows under the door, although he couldn't overhear anything. Maybe he should go in and defend himself? After all, he shouldn't be booted off the team without a chance to defend his actions.

But what would he say? What excuse did he have for blabbing to Langenscheidt? There wasn't any decent reason other than to say that he was sorry and wouldn't do it again. But would Hogan even believe that?

Carter sighed and slumped against the post of his bunk. Almost immediately, Newkirk came back out, shutting the door behind himself quietly. He watched the Englishman get one of their cups out of the sink, almost absently pulling the stolen little pot out from under his coat to set into LeBeau's stash of kitchen things. He fished the spoon out as well as a handful of carrots and a small beat up head of red cabbage. Once he'd shaken the coffeepot and poured the dregs of the coffee into his cup, Newkirk settled at the table and wiped a hand over his short hair.

The silence stretched for a long minute before Carter cleared his throat. "So?"

Newkirk looked over at him, eyebrows raised in genuine question. "So? What?"

Carter got to his feet. "So don't leave me here wondering. What did Colonel Hogan say?"

Newkirk glanced over to the office door and then back at Carter. "I didn't know you cared… but 'e said it's not the first night we've 'ad nothing but cabbage soup for dinner." He looked puzzled.

Rolling his eyes, Carter lowered his voice. "You know I'm not talking about that! You reported to him how I just went and blabbed to Langenscheidt and Schultz and all! Is he going to throw me off the team? Or… or transfer me? Or send me back to London!?" The idea that Carter would be sent back to a different camp where things were terrible and bad was almost better than being sent off to London where he would be safe while worrying over his friends back here. "What did he say?"

Newkirk smirked. "I didn't tell the Colonel about any of that." He got to his feet and pulled a cigarette out to light up. One long draw on the cigarette and he then gestured with it. "Come on, I'm fancying a little walk around to the officer's mess. I bet them German officers 'ave got some sausages just waiting for me lightfingers. You can be lookout."

Carter hesitated. "But… but I thought you'd go tell Colonel Hogan…"

Newkirk's smirk twisted to amusement. "Now, Carter. First off, I already took care of things… the Germans are none the wiser, and at least until the swelling in that ear goes down, I doubt you'll be making that mistake again soon." He nudged Carter with his shoulder as he opened up the door, indicating Carter should precede him. "Secondly, we're enlisted. We don't involve officers. They just muck everything up."

As they headed across the compound, Carter felt himself relax. "Even when the officer is Colonel Hogan?"

Newkirk's smile widened. "Especially when it's Colonel Hogan."

The End

Hey now, Colonel Hogan is busy, so he shouldn't be bothered by little things, right? Somehow I doubt Colonel Hogan would say so...

Thank you for reading and I hope that you enjoyed.