Title: Courtships and Chocolate Cake
Author: OCDdegrassi
Pairing: Percy/Voldemort
Rating: T
Warning: Shameless Crack, Slash, Cross-Gen, Disturbing/Dark Courtship, References to Murder/Torture, One-Sided Love
Note: Dedicated to WolfSpirit1992, because we talked about the cracky idea of Voldemort experiencing 'love at first sight' with Percy. Written for the "Guilty Pleasure Challenge." I originally meant to write about Voldemort being secretly addicted to chocolate cake, but the prompt ran away from me. Oh well.

xxx

Voldemort was cold, calculating, and downright evil. He had never cared for anyone but himself, because no one else was ever worthy of his devotion. He was far superior to everyone else; he was intelligent, powerful, and strong, and he wasn't weighed down by silly things like 'compassion' or 'feelings.'

Then he met Percy. The boy was actually his equal – intelligent, cold, determined – and he was underappreciated by the foolish people around him, which was something that Voldemort had also suffered from in his youth. It was difficult being better than everyone else when no one else realized it.

So Voldemort fell in love; head over heels, flowers and hearts kind of love (although the flowers were dead and the hearts were black to suit his tastes). He called Percy his 'fiery little fox', because Percy was clever and cunning like a fox.

Percy was suspicious of his love at first (if you would call trying to hex him and running away suspicious), but Voldemort wasn't willing to give up that easily. He always got what he wanted, and this was no exception. It was obvious that he needed to 'woo' his beloved.

Unfortunately, for some odd reason, sending Percy dead body parts and torturing his family didn't seem to work. Voldemort was honestly a bit stumped. He thought that the human heart he sent was incredibly romantic. He even included a note that read: "My heart beats only for you, unlike this heart, which doesn't beat at all, because it's dead, because I killed the person that it belonged to." How could Percy not be moved by such a poetic gesture?

He realized that he needed to find an alternative approach. Percy was guarded and reserved, but he had one weakness: chocolate cake. It was quite fortunate that Voldemort discovered this when using Legilimency on Percy's mom (since Percy was too good at Occlumency for that to work on him), and after this completely natural discovery, Voldemort was sure that he had found the way to Percy's heart.

He brought Percy a chocolate cake with different frostings and decorations every day. He was a bit disappointed and confused when Percy refused to eat his first cake for fear of being poisoned. What was wrong with having a skull and crossbones decoration in the icing? He wouldn't let that little hiccup discourage him though. Percy couldn't resist chocolate cake forever.

Fortunately, Percy finally broke down one day and ate the cake (after Bellatrix and Lucius tied him to a chair and force-fed him). After that, his fiery little fox's defenses slowly came down. He no longer ran in fear or tried to hex Voldemort when he showed up. Instead, he simply acted resigned to his fate. That was progress! Voldemort was quite pleased.

They even had their first real date when Percy offered to share some of his cake with him (after Bellatrix and Lucius tied him to a chair again). Voldemort was thrilled; his plan was working! He had never actually eaten chocolate cake before, and it honestly sounded quite disgusting, but he couldn't possibly turn it down when Percy was being so flirtatious (though he did wonder what Percy meant by 'get out or I'll contact the Auror department').

As soon as the chocolate cake hit his tongue, it was like his taste buds threw a party. It was the most delicious thing that he had ever tasted! He needed more. He devoured the entire cake while Percy watched fondly (though some might call it 'glaring'), and Voldemort blushed from the attention, though it was impossible to see on his deathly-white skin.

He felt a bit guilty about eating the entire cake without saving any for Percy, so he decided to make it up to his beloved by kissing him - that way, Percy could taste the chocolate cake on his tongue. Percy even responded to the kiss, the feisty little fox. He fought against the ropes that were tying him to the chair and bit down hard on Voldemort's tongue – it was a pleasant surprise to discover that he was so wild in intimate moments!

Voldemort suddenly had a brilliant idea. He would make another Horcrux from a chocolate cake! That way, Percy could eat it, and then Voldemort would always be a part of him. It was so romantic! It was settled; he would add a bit of his soul to the next chocolate cake that he gave his beloved. He was sure that Percy would appreciate that.

xxx

A/N: Reviews are always lovely.