I hope no one takes offence to this or thinks I am disrespecting the characters or their relationship. This is just meant to be a really silly piece designed to make you laugh. I just love when the commander gets flustered by Clarke. :D

You can think of this as an alternate second part of Into the Woods, but you don't have to read that one if you haven't already.

The war with the mountain men had come to a close and her people were celebrating their victory around a great bonfire. Many danced to the music of their ancestors. She reclined in her makeshift throne and periodically looked across the fray and towards Clarke and her drinking friends. Clarke noticed her gaze, and when she was rid of them, started to approach. However, that dark haired sky boy, (or as people now christened him, Sky Lord, the saviour of her people) got to her first. Lexa was slightly irritated but didn't let it show. The more Clarke danced around the boy, the more annoyed Lexa became. Just as she decided to join the dance, one of the seconds from the Ice Nation came over and whispered in her ear. Apparently trouble was afoot among the nations...already. Lexa spared one last withering look at Clarke and Bellamy and then attended to her duties.

It was hours later before the disagreement had been resolved. By then the revelry had come to an end and there was nothing left to do but go to bed, something she was all too keen on. She pushed through the darkened flaps and allowed herself to audibly yawn, a sure sign of weakness. Lexa placed her weapons on the central war planning table and then sat down on the bed to pull her heavy and blood spattered boots off. As soon as her weight depressed the bed, there was a rustling sound and she jumped up and whirled around, squinting in the darkness for her assailant (she suspected a two headed snake) to make their move.

Since she still couldn't see what was under the large bear pelt she used as her blanket, she lit a torch and held it aloft. It definitely didn't seem like a snake, but she poked it all the same with the wooden edge of the torch.

"Watch it!" yelped a familiar voice from beneath. As the cover was pulled down, a tangled web of blonde hair was exposed as well as a grumpy looking Clarke.

"Clarke?!" Lexa half yelled, nearly dropping the torch and setting the bed on fire. "What are you doing?"

Granted she was glad that Clarke had not lain with that sky boy, and had chosen her instead, but even so, she wasn't really in the mood to deal with this right now. All she wanted to do was sleep.

After Clarke became accustomed to the light, she focused on Lexa's face, and then suddenly realizing who it was - as if this would be so confusing considering the locale - smiled up at her in a way Lexa hadn't seen before from Clarke. In a way that Costia used to look at her. For a second she forgot to breathe.

Clarke turned on her side and patted the space in front of her. "Come to bed, commander."

Not trusting herself in this matter, Lexa took a step further away from temptation. She deemed it a necessary precaution against the one person she couldn't say no to for very long.

"What has changed?" Lexa asked. "Why do you suddenly desire to be with me?"

Clarke shrugged and as she did so, more of the blanket gave way, revealing a bare shoulder.

Oh no, thought Lexa as she took notice of the pieces of clothing around the bed.

She took another step back.

"You saved my life, Lexa. I wanted to thank you."

There was something off about Clarke's voice and definitely something off with her behaviour. Lexa thought back to earlier in the night and remembered Clarke had been drinking with her friends, and who knew how much more she had imbibed since her departure. Suddenly everything made sense. The commander closed herself off and said, "You are intoxicated."

"Thank you," she said with a giggle. "Right back at you."

It took a moment for her tired brain to comprehend this response. "No, not intoxicating, intoxicated!"

Clarke gave her dumb look. "I don't see the difference."

Lexa refrained from huffing in frustration. "Well, that just proves my point!" Sternly, "Now please leave my tent before you embarrass yourself further. I am very weary and would like to rest."

Without warning Clarke started to make a terrible sound. The leader of The Sky People was leaking from her eyes!

"Master your emotions!" hissed a mortified Lexa. "Such sounds are not befitting of a leader! Shof op!"

"You don't like me anymore do you?" she said despairingly and then continued to cry, turning away from her.

There was a rap on the side of the tent. "Heda, do you require assistance?"

"No. Gonot osir."

Clarke was still blubbering. "Your commander...commands you to stop acting like a babe!"

Thankfully this seemed to work and she quieted down. Clarke gazed at her with renewed interest. "So you do think I'm hot."

Chit?!

"I think you're smokin' too."

Lexa was starting to wonder if she were drunk as well. She had no idea what Clarke was saying. Now she really wished it had been a two headed snake, at least she knew how to deal with something like that. Clarke was a much more baffling creature to figure out at the best of times, and this was considerably far removed from those.

Before she knew what was happening, Clarke had tossed aside the bear skin pelt and patted the spot in front of her again. Lexa's eyes immediately snapped to the blonde woman's glorious physique and stayed there. She had dreamed of this very occurrence many a night since meeting her. Lexa's imaginings had not done Clarke justice. Even battered and bruised from the war, she was sublime.

Clarke ran a hand along her side. "That's right, Lexa, soak it all in."

Lexa knew if she yelled at her again, Clarke would just start crying, so she very calmly, or as calmly as she could manage given the considerable blow to her composure said, "Yes, you are breathtaking, Clarke." She forgot what else she was supposed to be saying and continued to stare. Slowly she remembered herself, holding the torch away so she couldn't see. "But as I said before, I am very weary and need to rest." Lexa said this as her heart raced. "This is something I cannot do if you are in my bed."

"Of course you can," Clarke said grinning idiotically. "There's plenty of room for two."

A brief moment of weakness almost had her giving in. It had been a long time since she had been with anyone. With a determined air, Lexa put aside the torch and collected Clarke's clothing. Then keeping her eyes averted, she held them out to her. The next thing she knew she had been pulled into the bed with Clarke! Naked Clarke! Lovely Naked Clarke wrapped her limbs around her like one of the monstrous lake creatures her people knew to avoid, and just as if it really were one, Lexa was literally paralysed to the spot! Then to make matters worse, the determined creature began nuzzling her earlobe and neck!

Sis!

"Clarke," Lexa said shakily with the last shreds of her composure, "I need you to listen very carefully." Clarke started to suckle on her sensitive skin and Lexa's mind went blank. With a will that only she possessed, she gained control of her voice. "If you do not let me go right now I will surely take advantage of you. I have no desire to do this. I respect you too much for that. So please get dressed and go back to your own tent. Beja."

Clarke stopped the pleasant ministrations and Lexa turned her head to find her making that no good babe face again.

"Do not even think about it," warned Lexa.

And just like that Clarke began crying some more. It was considerably more unpleasant now that it was right beside her ear.

Her new bodyguard, Maxin, barged in this time, weapons drawn. "Heda!?"

The torch was illuminating them enough that Maxin stopped dead in his tracks when he saw such a bizarre display. Lexa was nearly beside herself at his intrusion. No one was permitted to lay eyes on Clarke in all her glory, no one except for herself!

"Get out!" she roared. "Before I have to kill you!"

The frightened and bewildered warrior fled. And Clarke cried harder.

"No, not you, Clarke. I would never harm you."

Blessedly these words soothed the beast.

"Nor I you."

Clarke began lazily kissing up her neck.

The only way to get away from her was to touch her...but by so doing Lexa would probably give in to her almost overwhelming desire. But if she didn't act soon, Clarke would start kissing her mouth instead and she would definitely give in. Of that she had no doubt.

Praying to the Wood Gods for strength, she prepared to make contact with Clarke's warm and enticing flesh.

Apparently her prayers were answered because Clarke's lips stopped their devilish progress and Lexa opened her eyes to find Clarke had passed out. The iron grip dissipated and she shrugged her way out of Clarke's embrace. While this was a blessed relief, she now had another concern, namely the issue of getting Clarke back to her own tent and how to dress her without coming across the same 'touching' dilemma. Finally, Lexa acted rashly, she wrapped Clarke up in the bear skin pelt, very carefully making sure no intimate areas were exposed and then poked her head out of the tent. The coast was clear and she quickly and stealthily made her way to Clarke's tent with Clarke herself in her arms. Thankfully they had been here long enough for Lexa to know which one was hers even in the dark, and thankfully it was not too far away from her own so the ordeal was short lived.

Lexa lay down in her own bed fully clothed in the blood and grime of many mountain men, eyes wide open. The bed was still warm where Clarke had laid, even smelled like her.

She doubted she would get to sleep tonight...or ever again.

So yeah, I hope this made you laugh or at least smile a bit. ;D

Chit = What

Gonot osir = Leave us.

Shof op = Be quiet

Sis = help

Beja = Please