Arkham Abroad

"All right, roll up, roll up, ladies and gents!" called the Joker, standing on top of the table in the Rec Room of Arkham Asylum and holding a rolled up tube of paper under his arm. "The prototype poster for this movie Harley and I are making has just arrived, and we'd like the opinion of the masses on it before we take it to print. You guys being the definition of lowest common denominator, I figure you'll do. So tell me what you think," he said, unrolling the poster under his arm and holding it up.

Everyone in the Rec Room just looked from the poster to him. "Wait, what movie that Harley and you are making?" demanded Poison Ivy.

"Can't you read, Weed Lady?" snapped Joker, pointing to the title on the poster. "Fifty Shades of J!"

"What on earth is that supposed to mean?" asked Jonathan Crane.

"Really? You've been living under a rock these past few years, or what, Johnny?" asked Joker, rolling his eyes. "You missed this whole hugely popular series of erotic, sadomasochistic books now adapted for the screen?"

"First of all, I've been living in a mental asylum," snapped Crane. "And second of all, I'm actually quite proud to be out of the loop on that."

"Oh God, you're pathetic," muttered Ivy at Joker. "You're actually trying to jump on the media bandwagon for those trashy novels?"

"You didn't think they were so trashy when you loaned them to me, Red," retorted Harley Quinn.

"I thought you could relate to the spineless, abused victim character in them, Harley," snapped Ivy.

"Well, I couldn't, because she was boring," retorted Harley. "The romantic leads were both boring. But this franchise has become so popular, with the film and the sex toys and all, that I said to Mr. J 'why don't we just do our own take on it? We're more interesting than that couple, and we have kinky, violent clown sex – it'll make us a fortune!'"

"You're gonna get sued," said Ivy, bluntly. "It's a blatant rip-off – not even a subtle copy. 'Mr. J will see you now'?" she said, pointing at the tagline on the poster.

"You let me worry about the legal aspects, Weed Lady," said Joker. "Just tell me what you think of the poster! That's not a rip-off!"

"It is, just of Gone With the Wind," retorted Ivy, staring at the image of the Joker, muscular chest and rippling abs exposed from his open shirt as he held a bang-flag gun in one hand and stared down into the eyes of Harley, carried in his arm and gazing back up at him, her dress falling off her shoulders and clinging to her breasts in a revealing way. "Nice photoshop there, J," added Ivy.

"I don't know what that means, but I'm assuming it's a compliment," said the Joker.

"It means you've enhanced certain physical assets that you don't actually have," retorted Ivy.

Joker sighed. "See, Harley?" he demanded, rounding on her. "I told you people would notice we cheated and made your boobs bigger than they actually are!"

"I'm sorry, puddin', but I'm insecure!" snapped Harley, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't want a buncha people staring at a huge version of me and thinking I'm too flat-chested!"

"I meant you, J!" shouted Ivy, pointing at the poster. "Mr. Muscle and Six Pack!"

"Oh, well, that ain't photoshopped, Red," said Harley. "Mr. J's really got those rippling abs. He works out a lot – he has to, to fight Bats, y'know."

"Yeah, I'll prove it," said Joker, unbuttoning his shirt.

"No, thanks, I'm good," said Ivy. "Just keep your clothes on, J. I for one don't really wanna see either the real movie, or your movie version of those books for desperate, lonely, pathetic women with no self-esteem and no sex life."

"Well, you can't deny sex sells," said Joker, shrugging. "And while sometimes I lament the over-sexualization of our culture, I guess it's better than the alternative of straight repression. You don't wanna end up like those freaks," he said, gesturing to Crane and Jervis Tetch, who had been ignoring the whole conversation, engrossed as he was in reading a letter.

Crane sighed, returning his attention to his book, but he couldn't help noticing how distracted Tetch seemed to be by the letter. "Everything all right?" he asked, casually.

"Yes, yes," said Tetch, sighing as he folded up the letter. "I've just received some news."

"Bad news?" asked Crane.

"No, not as such," sighed Tetch. "It's just going to involve a little inconvenience on my part. My parents are dead, you see."

"Oh. I'm sorry," said Crane.

"Don't be," retorted Tetch, shrugging. "I didn't actually know them that well, and I certainly didn't care for them. They sent me off to boarding school when I was seven, and I had a nanny who took care of me before that. I barely saw them throughout my childhood, or afterward."

"I'm…sorry," repeated Crane.

"Oh, it's fine," said Tetch, waving his hand. "It's called good old-fashioned English parenting. It's a bit of a tradition – it's why we felt the need to conquer half the world, to fill up the enormous holes in our lives from lack of parental affection."

"Is the letter about your inheritance?" asked Crane.

"Yes," said Tetch. "I need to go back to England to sort it out. Simeon and I have to figure out what to do with the house, and how to split the money, and goodness knows what else. All the legal joys that accompany the death of a relation."

"Who's Simeon?" asked Crane.

"My younger brother," replied Tetch. "He's the one who's written to me."

"I didn't know you had a younger brother," said Crane, surprised. "You never talk about him."

"No, we never got along," replied Tetch. "Simeon was always the popular type at school, an outgoing, heavy-drinking, soccer hooligan lad, while I was…very much as I am now, shy, quiet, socially awkward, and bookish. He runs his own financial company in London, and I'm locked up in a mental asylum. There's certainly an odd injustice about it all," he sighed. "Anyway, I need to get out of here and get a flight to England as soon as possible." He paused. "You wouldn't…like to come with me, would you, Jonathan?" he asked, tentatively.

"Me?" said Crane. "I wouldn't want to intrude on what will probably be a private, family affair…"

"I'd like you to be there," interrupted Tetch. "My family's affairs have a history of being very unpleasant. I could use a friend to accompany me. Someone who I know is on my side, which I know Simeon won't be. He always enjoyed picking on me, and I doubt he's become any more pleasant as the years have gone by."

"Oh…well, I can't deny that I'd love to see England," said Crane. "And I've always wanted to visit London…"

"What's this about London?" asked the Joker suddenly.

"I'm going there soon," said Tetch. "To take care of some family business."

Joker snapped his fingers. "That's it, Harley!" he cried. "London will be the perfect place to premiere our movie! All the big films have their openings in Leicester Square! We'd love to come with you, Tetchy!"

"Um…no," stammered Tetch. "No, you're not invited. Jonathan is coming with me as my friend…"

"And we're your friends too, right, Hatty?" asked Joker, putting an arm around him. "And you know what friends do?" He seized him around the neck, lifting him up and slamming him against the wall. "They don't choke friends to within an inch of their lives and then beat them into a bloody mess on the floor," he growled. "So we're friends, right?"

"Yes…we're friends!" gasped Tetch, struggling to breathe.

"Great! Then we're coming to London with you too!" chuckled Joker, dropping him to the ground. "Pack your bags, Harl!"

"Aw, Mr. J, I've always wanted to go to London!" exclaimed Harley, clapping her hands. "With the red double-decker buses and the black taxi cabs and the Eiffel Tower…"

"That's Paris, Harley," snapped Joker. "You're thinking Tower of London, where the royalty got their heads chopped off."

"Oh yeah, during the revolution, huh, puddin'?" asked Harley. "With the guillotine?"

"No, the French Revolution was in Paris, Harley!" snapped Joker.

"Oh. Then where was the guillotine?" asked Harley, confused.

"Paris!" shouted Joker.

"Man, I'm mixed-up," said Harley, shaking her head. "I'm gonna need to look up stuff in London."

"They have that giant clock," said Ivy. "Big Bill."

"It's Big Ben," corrected Tetch. "And that's actually the name of the bell…"

"Sounds like one of my ex-boyfriends," retorted Ivy. "I'm sure I dated a guy called Ben once…"

"Probably several guys called Ben and Bill," muttered Two-Face, who was examining the movie poster. "You should change the lighting on this picture, by the way, Joker. Half of it should be in shadow. And have you thought of doing a monochrome coloring? Y'know, like white and black, so there are just two colors…"

"You have to stop with the twos, Harvey," snapped Joker, grabbing the poster away from him. "Although come to think of it, monochrome might look pretty snazzy," he said, examining it. "Harv, you wanna be creative consultant on the movie?"

"No," retorted Two-Face. "I don't want my name associated with that tripe in any way."

"Anonymous creative consultant?" asked Joker. "You'll be paid."

Two-Face shrugged. "Ok, then."

"Great! So you're needed in London with us too," said Joker.

"If Harvey's going, I'm going," snapped Ivy.

"Look, this isn't meant to be Arkham Asylum goes abroad!" snapped Tetch. "I'm going back to my home in England to sort out some private, family business, and I asked my friend to come along with me! That's it! The rest of you are not invited and are not accompanying me…"

"Too late, I'm already ordering plane tickets," said Joker, picking up the telephone.

"And I'm busting us all outta here, so you owe me," retorted Ivy, as a pair of plant vines snaked through the window and ripped off the bars, leaving an exit to freedom. "So order six tickets, J."

"Six tickets it is!" chuckled Joker. "Hatty?" he asked, looking at him.

Tetch sighed. "Oh, very well," he muttered. "Since Ivy has provided a rabbit hole to freedom, who am I to object?"

"Good! Hello, I'd like six tickets to London, please. Name is the Joker. Yes, the Joker. I dunno, put 'the' as my first name or something…"

Tetch sighed again. "But I'm terribly afraid that not since Alice went down her rabbit hole has so much madness gathered together in one place, as the six of us will be in England."