Note: Listen to Hakumen's L.A. Vocal theme and you will understand 1% of what's going on.
"C-Cardin!? Agh! No!"
Deranged from lupus, Cardin Manchester slammed Ruby against a wall, frightening the unarmed girl. His teeth clenched harder than his asscheeks, Cardin glared into the fifteen-year old's eyes. The way he stared at Ruby made Chris Hanson feel his anti-pedophilia senses tingle… though, Hanson was, unfortunately, nowhere to be seen.
"Cardin! W-W-What're you-"
But Cardin did not listen to Ruby. He tore off Ruby's shirt, causing the girl to scream in fear.
He wanted to wear her shirt so badly. He really needed a shirt. After all, some naked guy named Adam cut his clothes off and started to wiggle his chest hair at him. And Cardin's mustache had not been prepared to counteract the epic wiggling.
Something about pushing Ruby into a wall and taking her shirt, however, made his heart go doki-doki and caused him to reach out for the frightened girl. Shutting her eyes, Ruby prepared for the worst… and by worst, she thought of Cardin finding the jar of cookies she stuffed in her skirt.
But then…
WABLAMAGHWIOENSKD!
"AH." Cardin screamed in the most monotone way possible. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. AH. UH. UNS."
But then Jaune Arc came into his vision. And this was no ordinary Jaune Arc; this was a Jaune Arc who had the mask of the legendary swordsman known as Hakumen. Flinging around a long katana, Jaukumen posed like a Kamen Rider, causing all the Power Ranger fans to go all apeshit and eat CGI scenes for dinner.
"Ebil," Jaukumen said, fully sure that he said evil correctly. "YUH AHR NUHT WHALECUM HEAR."
"…What?" Cardin asked a question that everyone else wanted to ask.
But alas, as evidenced in his L.A. Vocal version of his theme song, Hakumen knew jackshit about pronouncing words like a normal human being. He made Sigmund Freud cry, wondering how on Remnant one could have such a dominant Id instead of a powerful Superego. Jaukumen was neither intelligent nor awesome.
He was just the biggest (literal) cockblocker to exist in many dimensions.
"UNIT COOKIE DOUGH," Jaukumen screamed incoherently as he rushed in to save Ruby. With that said, he chopped Cardin's arms off, causing the son of Manchester City to back off like a Ronaldo going all Hollywood on a referee.
Except Ronaldo did not exactly Hollywood people. He knew how to Hollywood his underwear, though.
"MUGOUGAUHGGHHHHHH," the white-masked, blonde-haired swordsman blurted out as he proceeded to decapitate Cardin instantly, causing the man to stumble over and fall on his knees. His head landed perfectly on his neck, making it look as if his head had not been touched before it slid off like a snake.
"UUGGOHAGHTETSUMA. THUH NAYUM IZ HAHKOOMIN, RIP IN PEACES," Jaukumen whispered like the asshole he was.
Ruby screamed before she got her head chopped off as well.
"I KALLMED THUH NOICES OF DISCOOOOOOOOOOOORD," the man in the white-mask whispered, sheathing his blade. "I'M SO PRIHSTEEEEEEEEEEN AAAAAAAAAND CRYSTALLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIaIIIIIIIIIII-"
"R-R-Ruby...? Oh… OH MY GOD!"
Jaukumen turned to Weiss Schnee, who stood at the entrance at the cafeteria. Now that Jaukumen thought about it, Carmageddin and Ren's Smile took place in the cafeteria as well. Perhaps there was another fucking Continuum Shift?!
OR MAYBE HE WAS IN A DREAM WITHIN A DREAM?!
"NO," the PRIHSTEEEEEEEEEN warrior whispered, finally speaking English properly for once as he shouted, "THIS CAN'T BE! AGH! UHAUHGHAHGHHGHH! I MADE A MISTAKE!"
"You… YOU BASTAAAAAAAARD!" Weiss screamed as she charged toward Jaukumen with Myrtenaster fully loaded.
It was a shame that such spirit was wasted on a child who had her head split away from her body.
"THIS IS MY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL PUREST WWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-"
Before his theme song tortured any more people just by looking at the American cheese-filled lyrics, a bunch of Huntsmen came into the cafeteria to attack Jaukumen and avenge three of their fellow students. But it was too late.
The theme began.
"WWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL, PUREST WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL," the warrior sang as he threw peanut butter at Lie Ren before slicing him in half. "PRIHSTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN AAAAAAAAUUHND CRYST-AH-LLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEENNNNAH."
"SH-AAAAAAAAAAAAAY-NES; WITHOUT FLAWWWWWWGHK," he continued, shoving a hand into Nora's stomach before tearing it out, feeding a heartbroken Blake Belladona by stuffing the organ through her entire body. "REFINED… IN BAHTUHL MENYMUAYNY TIEMZ."
As Blake gargled, her blood spurting all over where a shocked Nora's stomach once used to be in, Jaukumen swung a hand through a fearful Pyrrha Nikos, tearing her eyes and brains through the back of her cranium as he intensified his singing.
"WIT-A-JUDGEMENT SHARPENED KEEEEEEN, BY THE POWAH AH RICEAVE- FROM THE WHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITE AHHHHHHHHHHHMUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRR-AH."
Someone screamed "THAT'S RACIST" behind Jaukumen, causing the swordsman to chop off the upper portion of the student's head. His brains sent an interesting pattern of blood to the skies, painting Jaukumen's mask with a bit of red.
"THE SORHD WILL SLICE UH-WAY ALL RE-MAINE-ING CIRCUMCESSION; TO PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURIIIIIIIIIIIIFYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY DIS WUHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLLLLLD-AH!"
As the song came to a brief pause, Jaukumen dug his hand through an enraged Yang Xiao Long's heart, slowly squeezing the blood out of the organ before finally popping it. Unable to get Yang off of his beautiful arm, Jaukumen turned around and used her as a shield instead, causing a frightened Sky Lark to accidentally stab Yang with Pyrrha's spear. Why he held a spear out of all things, no one knew, but there was one thing for sure.
"THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH NAYUM ES HAKUMIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN! A SOLDIER RESSURECTED TO A VIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILE 'N… UH-DEVAS-TATED WUHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLD!"
And as Jaukumen sliced through the rest of Team CDRL's remaining members and amazingly chopped Zwei into sashimi slices, he tossed up the head of Cardin Winchester into the air before slicing it in half.
"THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY KULL HUM HAHHKK-KOOO-MON! RESTORING OGRE OVER KEY-ASS, CUUUUUUUM THE VOYCES OF DISCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!"
And as Ozpin and Glynda came in too late and stood in horror, Jaukumen stabbed his ass, lifting the two pieces of Cardin's head, as he joyously shouted,
"DESHTROITONITEALLDAEBILSOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULSS-AH!"
...
...
...
Pyrrha swung herself from her bed, her eyes wide and her breaths short and heavy. She shivered, scared by the living hell of a dream she just went through.
The Spartan warrior had seen many things, but never did any of such things scare her as much as the dream she just witnessed. To think that her own leader would suddenly murder everyone while spouting nonsense sounded… horrifying. Jaune Arc was a kind man, not a heartless and selfish murderer who made no sense in every aspect.
She turned to her leader, who snored loudly with a happy smile. The red-haired girl could not help but smile at the sight of her clumsy leader muttering something about buying cookies for his teammates.
He would never be like that… right?
...
...
...
Hakumen woke up and screamed like a little girl, throwing his shit into the air and ran into an empty Void like no tomorrow.
For unlike everyone else, he knew that what he just saw was not a dream, but something that actually happened in another fucking Continuum Shift.
...
Meanwhile, the fedora-wearing man known as Hazama stared into a phone screen at his office, watching a video of Jaukumen murder a bunch of students without any remorse.
He mused,
"And they said I'm an asshole."