Title: Forgiveness
Rating: T
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Spike/Buffy
Warnings: None
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em - not making any money off 'em. Dern it.
Summary: Giles betrays Buffy, and this time, she's just not sure if there will ever be forgiveness. Thankfully, she has Willow on her side.
Notes: This takes Post-Chosen, but during Angel, season 5. I never actually watched Angel, except the two crossover episodes in season 4 when Buffy is on the show. I kind of know what happens in Angel season 5 when Spike is resurrected, but the details are fuzzy. I just have a vague idea from various Buffy fanfics.

I haven't read the comics at all, so I'm pretending they don't exist.

"I never knew how much I loved him. And now, it's too late," Buffy whispers. She doesn't look at Giles, doesn't want to see his disapproval. She knows he hates that she has fallen for another vampire, but she can't help it, especially not when said-vampire sought out a soul for her and then sacrificed himself to save the world.

Willow sits down next to her, reminding Buffy that it isn't just her and Giles in the room. She lets her best friend take her in her arms and allows the sense of comfort to wash over her. "It'll be okay. I know how it feels. I remembered the sense of loss when Tara died. At least you didn't go on a homicidal rampage," she jokes weakly.

"It's not the same," Buffy weeps. She leaves the warm embrace and when Willow opens her mouth to retaliate, Buffy shakes her head, forestalling the protest. "It isn't. Tara knew you loved her. Even when you two were apart, she never once doubted your feelings. I told Spike I loved him down there. I spoke the truth for the first time ever. And do you know what he said? 'No you don't. But thanks for saying it.'"

She takes a shuddering breath, trying to compose herself as the tears steadily fall. "He didn't believe me. Not that I blame him, considering he saw me kiss Angel the previous night and I never said the words before he was dying. Why would he believe me? He died not knowing how much I truly cared and now it's too late."

"Buffy," Giles' voice is firm and it makes Buffy look at him for the first time since she started her confession. His face is impassive when he says, "You'll get over him before you know it. Trust me."

Buffy nods even though she doesn't believe it. She has never felt a pain so great in heart, not even when Angel left Sunnydale. She rests her head on Willow's shoulder, just wishing that Spike had believed her words. Maybe if he had, she would be able to move on with her life.

'Spike,' she silently cries, wishing it's his arms around her and not Willow's. It does no good to wish, though.

Two months later, Buffy lies on her bed early morning. It had been a restless night, full of dreams of different ways she could have saved Spike. She remembers what Spike said when Buffy was first resurrected, how every night he would see it all again, do something different. He'd be faster or more clever. Every night he'd save her. And that's what Buffy is going through now.

She closes her eyes, hoping for just a few precious minutes of sleep before she's forced to get out of bed. She's just so exhausted. She's not even sure if she would be able to get out of bed right now.

Willow crashes into her room just as Buffy is about to drop into blessed unconsciousness. "Buffy, there's something you need to know!"

Her eyes snap open and her fists clench at her side. "Willow, I'm so tired. Can't this wait?"

Instead of answering her, Willow jumps on the bed, kneeling next to Buffy's prone form. "Spike's alive! Andrew told me he saw Spike working with Angel's crew!"

She quickly sits up, eyes wild. "He's alive?"

Willow nods.

"Why didn't he come find me? I'm sure he could have found me easily. He has always seemed to know where to find me."

Willow shrugs, biting her lip, showing her indecisiveness.

"Willow, what is it?"

"Well, Andrew mentioned that Spike told him not to tell you. Andrew technically didn't go against Spike's orders because he told me, knowing I'd tell you."

"Spike doesn't want me to know." Her heart clenches. He never left before, no matter how much Buffy told him to or punched him. She has finally chased him away, though. He doesn't want her; maybe he doesn't even love her anymore.

"Stop!" Willow reprimands. "Stop thinking whatever you're thinking. He's not aware of your feelings, and maybe he thinks you'd be disappointed with him being alive... or unlive I should say. He went out as a hero. Maybe he feels like his being back diminishes the sacrifice he made."

"Maybe," Buffy manages. Her heart still hurts over the fact that he didn't seek her out as soon as he was able to, and actively did his best to keep her in the dark about his return. Even Angel kept it from her. Although, that might not be that big of a surprise if Angel figured out that Spike meant more than Buffy proclaimed. She's very aware of the fact that Angel's prone to actions derived from petty jealousy.

"You need to figure out what you're going to do. Are you going to keep Spike in the dark about your feelings or prove to him that he was wrong in that cavern?"

Knowing she doesn't even has to ask Willow to look out for Dawn, it's not long before Buffy proclaims, "I'm going to L.A."

"Don't you get it?! Spike is alive!? Of course I'm going to see him!"

Giles glares. "I knew he was alive already. You not seeing him is for the best. You'll forget all about him with time."

Buffy's breath catches in her throat. "You knew? You listened to me when I talked about my feelings for him, and you knew he was alive? As soon as Willow found out, she told me. At least I know who my true friend is."

Giles' face is an ugly scowl. "You are not going! I forbid it!"

Buffy's eyes harden. "Well, guess what? I don't need your permission. I told you so you were aware they there needed to be a slayer to cover my normal patrol route. That's all. I'm going, no matter what. You better start worrying about whether I will forgive this betrayal, though. I forgave you when you told me we might have to kill Dawn. I forgave you when you ran away to England, leaving me floundering. I even forgave you when you conspired to have Spike killed, and then helped kick me out of my own house, pushing me into what could have been a warzone if Caleb came after me that night. This time though, you don't have the excuse of a war being fought to help explain your reasoning when it comes to keeping me away from Spike."

"I want what's best for you!" Giles yells, his face flushed in his anger.

She crosses her arms. "You don't get to decide what's best for me. That's for me to decide, and what's best for me is having Spike in my life, whether it's as a friend or a lover. Although I'm hoping for the latter, I'll settle for the former. You really should think about how important I am to you because right now, I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive and forget your latest betrayal." With those parting words, Buffy stalks out of his office.

When she's out of the building, the anger depletes, leaving her exhausted and hurt. She really thought Giles was done treating her like a stupid child. Obviously, she was wrong.

She shakes her head. She can think about Giles later. Right now, she has a flight to catch.

She takes out her phone and calls Dawn. "I'm on my way to the airport."

"Good luck," Dawn says.

"Thanks. Behave for Willow."

"I will, and I hope everything works out with Spike."

Buffy smiles sadly, deciding not to mention Giles' betrayal to Dawn just yet. That's a whole other can of worms. "Thanks. I'll call you when I get there." She hangs up and focuses on what she needs to do.

'Spike, I hope you're ready for me because here I come.'

Notes: If you want this to continue, let me know. I have some vague ideas for it, but I'm not sure if it's going to be wanted by readers.