Too Much to Bear 4

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, I just like to write.

Trigger warning: Self-hatred, mentions of suicidal ideation. Please don't read if you feel this could be upsetting for you.

...

Arthur glanced back at his servant, riding silently behind him. Since they had left the castle, Merlin seemed to have abandoned his cheerful facade entirely. It was as though he no longer had the energy to even pretend he was alright. The purple shadows beneath his eyes seemed even more prominent than they had been yesterday, divulging yet another sleepless night.

Arthur himself had barely slept, too preoccupied with his thoughts and concerns for his friend. He had played this trip over and over in his mind, imagining every possible scenario and desperately trying to figure out how to help Merlin without his friend pushing him away. Merlin had always been there for him, but any time the servant seemed to be upset or going through a rough time, without fail, he would try to hide his feelings from Arthur or distance himself from the prince – now king – rather than admit what was bothering him. If asked about it, Arthur would have said he found it annoying that his servant would mope about with an expression like a kicked puppy but refuse to tell him why. Truthfully – and this was something he had never said aloud, not even to Guinevere – it hurt when Merlin shut him out. This was a man who Arthur trusted more than any other, who was privy to Arthur's most private thoughts, worries and insecurities. It seemed… somewhat unfair, really… that after years of friendship, Arthur was not granted that same measure of trust that he gave to Merlin.

At first, the young prince hadn't realised that his new servant was hiding things from him – and, to be honest, wouldn't have cared if he did. He was more concerned over whether Merlin could ever become a semi-competent servant than whether the dark-haired boy wanted to talk about feelings. Uther's influence had still been strong at that stage of his life, which meant that Arthur had been operating under the idea that any display of concern or uncertainty was unbefitting of a king. To be perfectly honest, he had been acting like a right royal prat due to his deeply-ingrained desire to never reveal a lack of confidence. But Merlin had been the catalyst to change that. Within a few short months, he was trusting his servant with his own previously hidden opinions and fears, which he would never have revealed to any of the 'friends' he had amongst the younger nobles, and certainly never to his father. Merlin had played such a large role in encouraging Arthur to open up more and be more trusting that when the prince eventually realised just how cagey Merlin could be, it was hard not to be amused by the irony of the situation.

He'd pushed aside his bruised ego, telling himself that friend or not, Merlin was still a commoner, and therefore even though he hid things from Arthur, nothing he was hiding could be that important. It wasn't as though Merlin was the crown prince, after all. Even as he told himself this, Arthur had known there was some flaw in his logic. Merlin's status as a commoner perhaps shouldn't have made his feelings and secrets completely invalid… but it was far easier to pretend that they were than to admit he was upset over his servant not confiding in him. Now, though, Arthur was wishing he'd pushed Merlin to open up a little more, showed him even more clearly that he cared for him and could be trusted with any thoughts, fears or feelings. Maybe they could have avoided this situation if he'd done so.

Maybe he would have known when Merlin started to feel as though life was so difficult it wasn't worth living. He found it easiest to assume that these feelings had only come about fairly recently – he and Gwaine had both picked on the servant's low mood over the past weeks – but he didn't know what to think anymore, or what instincts to trust. After so many years of friendship with Merlin, and even after seeing the man at times when he was obviously upset, he had still thought of Merlin as a cheerful and positive man. Apparently, he could not have been more mistaken.

…..

"There's a clearing just ahead – we'll stop for lunch and to give the horses a rest", Arthur called back over his shoulder. He received no acknowledgement, Merlin silent behind him – as though he was already on his way to becoming a ghost. The King shook his head to dismiss the disturbing thought. Merlin was right there with him, and Arthur had sworn to keep him there, safe.

He waited until the horses had been tethered and the wood gathered for a fire before finally broaching the subject which had occupied every corner of his mind of the past few days.

"Merlin?"

The servant glanced up from where he had been occupied making the fire, an unspoken question in his stormy blue eyes.

Arthur swallowed.

"I'm worried about you." A shadow seemed to pass behind Merlin's eyes, and Arthur hastened to continue before his friend could protest.

"You haven't seemed very happy lately. Not for the past few weeks. I didn't want to push you because I figured if you wanted me to know what was going on you'd tell me, but it doesn't seem to be getting any better and… I really am worried, Merlin. Please… is there anything you want to tell me?"

Merlin looked away, fixing his gaze firmly upon the fire he was building. Arthur waited for several long seconds, praying that his friend would give him some kind of explanation. He opened his mouth to try once more, but before he could do so, Merlin spoke:

"I appreciate your concern, Arthur, but I'm fine. Maybe a little tired, but nothing you need to worry about."

A ball of frustration flared within Arthur's chest. It seemed Merlin was determined to be cagey. But he was lying, and they both knew it.

"That's not how I see it", the King responded, keeping his tone measured and absent of emotion. "It seems like more than just tiredness, Merlin. And as for not worrying – a good servant's hard to come by, of course I'm going to worry about you!" Merlin did not break a smile, despite Arthur's attempt to lighten the mood.

"Merlin, please -"

"It's nothing, Arthur", the younger man interrupted him, his words punctuated by the sharp crack of a stick as Merlin snapped it in two to place the pieces on the fire.

"Well it doesn't seem like nothing!" Arthur shouted, his frustration bubbling over in his voice. Unsurprisingly, Merlin didn't answer.

Arthur sighed heavily then walked a few steps forward, squatting beside his friend.

"I'm sorry Merlin", he said quietly. "I didn't mean to shout at you. I just…", he glanced across at the other man, "I know I don't say it nearly as much as I should – and I know that I tease you a lot – but you are truly my closest friend and I would never want any harm to come to you."

Merlin let out a shaky exhalation, squeezing his eyes tightly shut as though trying to hide the pain that Arthur knew was there.

"Come on, Merlin", the king implored him, "I want to help."

"You can't." The warlock's words were barely more than a whisper, but Arthur heard and ached at them.

"Why can't I?" he asked quietly.

Merlin shook his head. His eyes, when he looked at Arthur, were bright with unshed tears. "Because, Arthur, the problem is me. There are certain… responsibilities… which I have to take care of, and I try so hard to complete them, but it's not enough. I'm not enough. And I don't think I can be fixed."

Arthur wanted desperately to tell his friend that he could never not be enough, that he was clever and kind and brave and worthy of so much more than he gave himself credit for, but the words were strangled in his throat.

"Merlin", he said, his voice rough as sandpaper. "Merlin, you don't need to be fixed. Please don't think that."

Merlin sniffed, silvery tears now running unchecked down his pale cheeks.

"If you knew, you'd say something different. You wouldn't be my friend." He looked Arthur right in the eye, all of the pain, confusion and self-hatred he felt almost knocking the king over with its intensity.

"Do you know how hard it is constantly having to hide who you are because other people think it's not right?" he whispered. "Can you imagine how it feels, to have something that you were born with and that you can't change even if you wanted to, used against you. Everyone believes that different is wrong, that different is dangerous. I try so hard to fit in, to be what everybody wants me to be. But I can't, Arthur. And it hurts so much."

Arthur enfolded Merlin in a fierce hug, cradling his now sobbing man-servant close to his chest. No words were adequate to soothe the pain his friend was feeling, but Arthur would make certain that from now on, Merlin never went through it alone.

…

Did I just use Merlin's magic as a metaphor for those living with disabilities, neuro-diverse people, those in the LGBT+ community, and other marginalised groups who are told by society that their differences make them 'wrong' or 'not good enough'. Yes, yes I did. But no matter what society or your brain tells you, our differences can be our greatest assets, and nobody should EVER make you feel ashamed or inferior for being different.

On another note, I really am sorry about the long wait between chapters. Life got pretty shitty, and I stopped writing for a while. Some of the feelings that Merlin has expressed during this story arc have been personal for me, but I hope that anyone who is struggling knows that you are worthwhile and loved and YOU ARE ENOUGH, even if sometimes you don't feel that way. I'd love it if this story could help someone out there to feel a little less alone.

I don't usually open up on the internet, so this feels really weird for me. Anyway, I hope everyone reading this is going well, but remember it's okay to ask for help if you need it – if you don't feel comfortable asking a family member or friend there are helplines you can call.

Take care of yourselves,

Love Camelotpointe xx