Disclaimer: I do not in anyway own Once Upon A Time. ABC, Disney,A&E, and whoever else have that distinction. No profit is being made, and no copywrite infringement in intended. "Dust to Dust," where the title and several chapter quotes come from, belongs to the Civil Wars, and is just a perfectly amazing CS song.

AN: So this isn't either of the planned sequels to "Picking Up the Pieces," sorry. But my muse refused to let go of a few ideas, and once I figured out how to weave them together I just couldn't not do this. Also, I'll be able to weave this into the new episodes as well as flashback to older scenes I've always wanted to write about. So really, each of these chapters will be unrelated to each other, but will all follow the theme of CS getting closer, letting down their walls, and getting to know each other completely. Reviews are very welcome as always, and I would love suggestions on other scenes to do!

This starts after the end of the Winter Finale, and the first few chapters will be set during the six weeks.

You've Been Lonely Too Long

by Lady Callista

OoOoOoO

"It's not your eyes, It's not what you say, It's not your laughter, That gives you away

You're just lonely, You've been lonely, too long." -from Dust to Dust, by the Civil Wars

OoOoOoO

Chapter 1:

Killian woke with a start, dreams of watching Liam die in his arms still chasing through his sluggish mind.

It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't on the Jolly Roger, but in his bed at Granny's.

And it took another moment for him to wonder if he was still dreaming. Because although they were both fully clothed, Emma was curled up against his chest, her hand on his shoulder and her head over his heart.

The last thing he remembered was her leaving him at his door after giving him both his heart and a soul-shattering kiss. She had commented on how tired he looked, and he'd agreed to lie down for a few hours to appease her. He'd also sensed she needed the distance before the talk that they both knew had to come.

Killian remembered planning to think about everything he needed to confess to her, and that he had removed his hook, coat, and boots before stretching out on the bed. He must have been more exhausted than he realized, because he hadn't had a single thought after that.

His left arm was already wrapped around her, and Killian's eyes tightened briefly at the brace that still covered his maimed wrist before he took a deep breath, whispering her name as his fingers came up to swipe a wayward chunk of hair off of her cheek and tuck it behind her ear. "Emma." He repeated softly, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He really hoped he wasn't dreaming.

"Hmmm." Emma mumbled, cuddling closer into him, her hand sliding up to curve around the side of his neck.

Killian gave up caressing her cheek in favor of running his hand lightly up and down her side. "I don't remember how you got into my room, love, let alone my bed." He kept his voice low yet teasing, wanting to hold on to the preciousness of this moment for as long as he could. He heard the vulnerability in his own voice even as he tried to keep it light as he added, "I'd really love you to convince me I'm not dreaming."

"I picked the lock." Emma mumbled into his chest, still not moving. "And if you were dreaming I doubt we'd still have our clothes on."

Killian chuckled as her words echoed his first thoughts upon waking, which both did and didn't help him decide whether or not he was dreaming. "You could have knocked."

"I did." Emma said softly, pulling back finally, staying in the curve of his arm but propping herself up on her elbow to face him. "I figured if you were tired enough to sleep through a knock, I should let you sleep. But I wanted..." Emma took a deep breath, "I needed to be here with you."

Killian's eyes widened at the vulnerable whisper, and he leaned up to kiss her softly. "I certainly don't object, love. I wanted... I want you to stay as well. But it seemed you wanted some time to yourself."

"I thought I did, and I wanted to give you some as well, but... but Killian I need to hear it. I need to hear everything."

Killian took a deep breath, eyes closing for a second, his hand sliding back up to her cheek, hesitantly shifting up to kiss her again, sighing in relief when she returned the chaste touch. "Do you have questions you'd like me to answer? Or shall I just tell the pathetic tale?"

"When did he take your heart?" Emma asked the question that had been burning in her mind, feeling her cheeks heat as she thought of all the instances where he seemed slightly... off, and she had just let it go.

"The same night he promised to help rid you of your magic." Killian answered at once, having determined the moment the crocodile told him he had destroyed the message Killian had tried to leave her that if he was given a second chance to confess, he would do so with complete honesty and no exclusions. "It's why I kissed you as I did, because without my heart it just didn't feel right and I needed... I was so relieved you were alright, for he was actually trying to destroy you that night, but it didn't feel right, and I just needed to hold you because I had no idea what he planned to do, or what he would force me to..."

Killian broke off in shock as Emma leaned up to kiss him softly, raising her hand to cup his cheek. "He's gone. Belle made him cross the town line. He can't do anything to any of us anymore."

Killian's eyes widened in shock, and he couldn't help the burst of elation that ran through him. He had meant it when he said he was giving up on his revenge on the crocodile, for the most part anyway, but in the same way he hadn't been able to resist blackmailing him about the dagger, he couldn't help but rejoice that the bastard had finally gotten what was coming to him. In the same way that he had once decided to target Belle, as she was Rumple's heart and a method to his revenge that he could actually succeed at, Killian recognized that banishing him from Storybrooke, which meant taking away all of his power and magic, his true love, was actually a fate more painful than death. "I wouldn't have thought the lass had it in her."

Emma smiled softly at his neutral statement, the room was still bright enough for her to have seen the satisfaction cross his face. "It's okay to be happy about it. I'm not sure it was the best decision, I'd rather have someone like Gold where I can see him, but it's over and we can't change it. I would love to know what he was up to, but I really can't be sad he's gone."

"Nor can I, love." Killian allowed himself to smile briefly before steeling himself to say, "And I can tell you what he was up to. At least as far as the whole plan that needed my heart for was about. Along with the box."

"So tell me." Emma said softly, leaning down to kiss his cheek softly before cuddling back into his chest, her ear once again resting on the comforting thump-thump of his heart. "Tell me a story, pirate. And trust me to understand."

Killian tightened his arms around her, dropping a kiss on her forehead before beginning to speak.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

He was running to her the instant the ropes dropped him from the mast, but he knew in his heart that it was too late. No one could live without their heart.

Killian gathered the love of his life into his arms, feeling the tears burn behind his eyes as she whispered, "I love you."

He felt the touch of her fingers over his cheek, and then inexplicably he felt his own fingers brushing over a soft cheek, and rather than looking down at Milah he was looking up at Emma.

He saw everything in her eyes that he knew must have once shone in his own; the disbelief at what you've just seen, and the pain of realizing the death of someone you love is seconds away and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it. She was as lonely and broken as he was, and he remembered once commenting to her on the look in her eyes, the one that said she was an orphan. That she was too lonely. That she was always alone. He saw the fear and the pain and the beginnings of devastation as she realized she would be left that way once again. As her fear of losing another person was realized before her eyes.

His last thought is that he can't stand the fact that, yet again, his love has been used to hurt her.

"Killian!"

Killian jolted awake, his arms tightening instinctively around Emma as he tried to calm his rapid breathing. It had been a dream, only a dream, and he focused on the frantic pounding of his heart in his chest to remind him of that as he buried his nose in Emma's hair and inhaled the soothing scent that was vanilla and cinnamon and something else that was just her.

He was just starting to calm down, concentrating on the soothing murmur of her words even though he didn't really register what she was saying, when he felt cracks of pain shoot up his arm from his missing hand.

He gritted his teeth at once, his hand leaving Emma's back and clasping his wrist at once, fingers tightening on the brace as his eyes slid shut.

Emma tensed at once. "Killian, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, love." Killian hissed out as the pain became centered in his hand, registering as pins and needles in an appendage he'd been without so much longer than he'd been with. But she was sitting up now, ducking out of his embrace, and looking at him with such concern that he knew she needed more. "The hand may not be there, but it pains me sometimes. Another pirate I knew with a missing leg said the same thing happened to her at times."

"Phantom limb pain." Emma realized, going on at his quizzical look, "That's just the term for it in this world, but yeah, it happens."

"It's been years." Killian said softly.

"Were you dreaming about it?" Emma questioned hesitantly, not wanting to push him but feeling an unbearable urge to comfort him, to erase the mounds of pain she could see in his eyes. It wasn't all from his hand.

"In a fashion." His eyes closed, hiding from her, jaw flexing as she saw his fingers tighten over his braced wrist, grip so tight his fingers were turning white.

"Tell me about it?" Her voice was still tentative, but she reached out to card her fingers lightly through his hair, trying to sooth them both.

His eyes opened again, and even through the pain she could see the shadows haunting them. "I don't know if I..."

"Then let me help another way." She didn't hesitate to cut him off when she realized what he was saying, how vulnerable he was letting himself be to her. She doubted he normally slept with the leather brace on his arm, and some of his discomfort could be purely physical. She sat up and pulled at his shoulders gently until he was sitting beside her.

She knew the sleeves of his shirt had to be tailored to fit over the brace, so she held eye contact, offering him a tentative smile as her fingers went to the lower buttons of his shirt and began to undo them. The upper ones were, as always, already open.

Emma felt a tremor go through him as her cool fingers brushed across his abs, and he tensed when she finished the last button and slid her hands over the bare skin of his waist.

"Planning to ravish me, love?" A hint of the normal spark tried valiantly to manifest in his eyes, but even to himself his voice sounded hollow.

Emma kept her eyes locked on his as she undid the buttons on his right wrist, then slid her arms up to push the shirt from his shoulders. He allowed her to shift them until his arms slid behind his back, and although his jaw clenched and his eyes closed he didn't protest when her gentle fingers tugged the other cuff over his brace and removed the shirt completely. She set it on the floor before gently tugging on the brace itself, urging him to move it closer to her yet releasing her fingers at once as he twisted away from her, angling the arm behind his back.

Emma didn't protest, this was just another type of wall after all and he had been so incredibly patient about her own. Instead she gripped his hand, lacing their fingers together even as her other hand reached up to skim over his cheek. She shifted on the bed, sliding closer as she leaned in to kiss him deeply, thoroughly, keeping their bodies apart so that she could focus on nothing but the heat of their mouths. They were both breathless when she finally pulled away, squeezing his hand even as she rested their foreheads together, not yet willing to pull any further away. "Killian, it doesn't matter to me."

She was still looking into his eyes as she trailed her fingers from his cheek down his bare arm, and although she saw the twinges of lust and wonder the shame was more pronounced. She pulled back then, just far enough to look at him clearly, her fingers stopping just above his elbow, tracing her fingers over the sensitive crook and watching him shiver slightly.

"It's not only that - but it was wanting my hand back that started all this." His eyes fell to the tattoo on his right forearm, the heart with his first love's name in it. Pierced by a dagger. "If I'd only told you Belle didn't hold the true dagger from the start, or even told you of his plans once he made me deal to remove the blasted thing again..." He gently pulled his hand out of hers, bringing his arm closer to inspect the tattoo, and the magic ink which had held up to hundreds of years without fading. "He crushed her heart right in front of me. He taunted us, and he laughed, as he crushed her heart, and mine, and I... I know exactly what it feels like to lose someone that you... well... the thought of you going through that, all because I'd been a bloody fool... I promised that you didn't have to worry about me, and you already know the pain of loss that way and to think..."

"Shhhh." Emma cut him off gently, resting her fingers on his lips. Her heart lurched slightly as he avoiding saying the word love, and under any other circumstances she might have bristled at the assumption, however aborted, that she loved him. But while she wasn't ready to say or hear the words, she could admit the truth of them deep down, and she wasn't willing to break the fragile exchange between them. "I already told you, I forgive you. You told me everything, and while I can't say there's not still a little bit of mad there, I forgive you. It's okay, Killian. You've been alone a lot longer than I have, it'll take time for us to get used to counting on each other."

"It wasn't that I didn't trust you, and I certainly know you're up to any task. I just didn't want to be a burden. You've enough on your plate as it is love, I wanted to help, not be something else you had to worry about." The sincerity was clear in his eyes.

"You already said that, and I do understand, Killian." Emma soothed. "But it's not a one-way street. You've always been there for me, and I owe you so much, and..."

"You don't." His gaze sharpened, and his hand rose to tighten on her shoulder. "You owe me nothing, Swan."

Understanding the flash of anger, Emma struggled to explain, "No, that's not what I meant, I only... you would count that a trick, trying to guilt me into being with you. And I believed you when you said you wouldn't use any tricks to win me. Plus it would just be bad form." She gave him a tentative smile, relaxing slightly when he gave her a slight nod of agreement. "I only meant that you've always been patient with me, and you really want me to be happy. And I am happy, with my family, and with you. Can't I want you to be happy too? Can't I be patient and forgiving with you the same way you've always been with me? You're the reason I have the life I do, Killian, and you're part of it. And for the first time in my adult life I want that. I want you."

Killian's eyes widened as he realized the conversation she was referencing, and he felt his breath hitch as she whispered the final three words. "Emma..."

"I want you." She repeated, voice slightly stronger. "But I'm terrified. The things you make me feel, the way it felt when I thought that I had lost..."

"I'm scared too love, if that helps." He cut her off gently, the confession coming without a hint of shame. He'd completely given up his pride where she was concerned. "I had a year to experience just how empty my life was without you. I'd rather not repeat it."

Emma froze - other than the first night in New York, and the night he'd confessed to trading his ship to get to her, they had never talked about the missing year. Jokes about marrying a monkey notwithstanding. She tried to keep her voice light, but knew the pain of that lost year tinged her voice nevertheless. "And did you think of me every day?"

That pain reflected in his eyes even as he offered her a small, almost real smile. "What do you think, love?" Killian shifted on the bed, bringing his left arm into her line of sight and showing it wasn't just the brace he had been hiding.

"Killian..." Emma whispered as her fingers closed over the brace reflexively, seeking to draw his arm closer, and although he flinched slightly at the touch this time he didn't draw away. She held the brace as she would a hand even as her other hand rose to his bicep, fingers skimming over the brightly colored lines in his skin. A red heart dominated the picture, her name an elaborate swirl on the ribbon wrapped around it. A swan sat on one side of the heart, and on the other a five pointed star, each point counter-colored with black and white. The swan was obvious, but Emma's fingers skimmed back and forth over the star, her eyes flicking to him in question before she started tracing over her own name. The devotion behind the sentiment calmed her rather than scaring her further. It wasn't like he had ever thought she would see it.

"It's a nautical star, love, a navy man's symbol. Because you reminded me of the man I used to be. And because it represents the way home."

"It's beautiful." Emma whispered, her fingers tracing over the bright lines for a moment longer before moving the the top buckle of the brace. He didn't jerk away, but she saw the fear in his eyes. "Do you remember when you picked me up for our first date?" She asked softly as she undid the first buckle.

A real smile flashed this time, as without the burden of all he had been hiding from her he could truly look back on the night and remember all the best parts of it. "You looked stunning."

She smiled softly, blushing, as she moved to the second buckle and began to work on it gently. "Who first noticed your hand?"

"Your mother." Killian replied at once. He'd actually felt a brief flicker of annoyance at the time that Emma herself hadn't noticed.

"That's because most of the time I don't notice." Emma undid the third and final buckle. "I don't care. I don't care if you have a hook, or a fake hand."

Killian got lost in her eyes, jolting when he realized she was sliding the brace down his arm. Both it and his non-existing hand still hurt, but for some reason the pain had been lessening as she touched him gently. He took a deep breath, concentrating on the tenderness in her eyes to help him remain motionless.

"I don't care if you have a real hand, or a wrist." Emma finished on a whisper, her fingers tracing over the stump gently. "I'm a fan of every part of you."

He trembled, swearing he could literally feel heat radiating from her fingers, and the pain all but melted away. He saw nothing but truth and acceptance and understanding on her face, and wondered if this was how he had looked when he gave the same words to her. "Emma..." His voice shook, hand reaching out unconsciously to cup her cheek.

Emma saw the awe mixed with desire in his eyes, and the tinges of disbelief she knew could be healed with nothing but time. He leaned in and she moved with him, expecting another passionate embrace and instead melting into him when he kept his kiss achingly sweet. His hand drifted into her hair, stroking down her back. He shifted his wrist out of her careful grasp, resting it tentatively on her waist, sliding it to her back and pulled her closer when she didn't flinch away from him.

Killian broke the kiss with a gasp when her hands slid to his shoulders and slowly pushed him back to lay on the bed. "Emma..." He knew the timing was all wrong but he couldn't stop himself from kissing her again as she lay half on top of him, her hair falling in a shimmering curtain around their heads. His hand slid down to her ass, pulling her hard against his thigh, swallowing her gasp by deepening the kiss, finally allowing it to turn more passionate.

He didn't know or care if it was minutes or hours later when they finally broke apart to breath. Emma was completely on top of him at this point, their bodies tangled together, hands still skimming lightly over sides and backs and whatever they could reach.

Killian wanted nothing more than to lose himself in her but he knew that the timing wasn't right. Summoning the patience and control that had helped him survive for 300 years against people that even at his worst he had thought were monsters, he tightened his arms around her, shifting them until she once again lay on her side on the bed, curled against his chest. He kissed her forehead lightly as he laced his fingers in the hair at the back of her head, gently urging her head back until her ear rested over his heart once again.

His body was on fire for her, and he had to swallow harshly twice before he could manage to rasp, "As much as it pains me to say love, we shouldn't do this tonight."

"I know." Emma sighed, turning her head to drop a kiss on his chest and sighing again when he trembled. She was still mad at him, just because she'd forgiven didn't mean she was over it. They also probably just needed to talk more, not only about the past few weeks but about other things in their pasts. But it was so hard to carve out time when they were always moving from one disaster to another, and when they did have time together it was so hard to discuss the hard things, to let her walls that much further down.

They were down right now, all the way down as she still worried about losing him, but as much as it pained her, and as much as she knew the theory of sex reaffirming life and all that, she knew that he was right. This wasn't right for their first time.

They were both silent for several long minutes as they calmed down, each making small adjustments as they cuddled as closely as they could get. The silence was comfortable, intimate in a way that would have once sent Emma running and now only made her want to cuddle closer. "You know how you said I don't owe you anything... I do." She felt him tense, and before he could get upset again she hurried on, "Not for... not for what you've done for me, but... But I owe you ten hours." Emma raised her head from her chest to smirk at him, memories of fighting a giant with him swirling through her mind.

Killian grinned back at her, understanding at once what she was referring to and willing to allow her to lighten the mood. "We already spend much of our time together, how do you propose to make these ten hours special?"

Emma chuckled at the twinkle in his eyes, blushing at what she knew he was thinking of before summoning her courage and whispering, "Ten one-hour conversations, where you can ask me anything that you want. I can't promise to tell you everything, I think I still need time for some of it, but... but you can ask, and I'll tell you what I can."

His eyes widened, and she saw that he understood how important this was for her, how huge a step she was taking. Killian smiled softly at her, "That would indeed be special, love. But I propose we can ask each other anything, with the same proviso that complete answers are not required."

"But it's your time." Emma said softly. "Your gift."

"And I'll spend it how I wish. Well, maybe not exactly how I wish, but..." He grinned his most wicked smirk at her, complete with raised eyebrows, and she grinned back at him even as Killian brought his hand up to cup her cheek. "Does it surprise you that I would want to share myself with you? That I would want you to know me the same way you're allowing me to know you?"

Emma smiled gently, tilting her face into his warm palm. It really didn't surprise her, now that she thought about it, because she should have known he would see the nervousness in her offer and seek to balance the playing field. And she really did like the deal, not only would she not be the only one bearing her soul, she would also get to know more about him. About the contradictory, amazing, infuriating, caring, wonderful man that Killian Jones was underneath the persona of Captain Hook. She would get to find out how he had become the man he was. "Not really, I guess. You've always been the brave one when it comes to, well, us. Why is that?"

Killian turned pensive. "Because for a few hundred years, I lived for nothing but revenge. And then I thought I had gotten it, and I realized I had no idea what came next. It didn't bring her back, and after centuries of living for nothing but that revenge I didn't even know who I was anymore. I didn't much like who had I become, and I had no idea anymore what I wanted from life. Believing I had killed the crocodile should have made me happy, but in many ways I was just lost. Nothing made sense or mattered, except for you. Something about you was just worth the risk."

"Killian..." Emma tilted her face to kiss his palm. "You've been able to see through me since the day we met, and that scared me so much. You didn't even have to try, you just saw through the walls like they weren't even there. You challenged me, and when it mattered you dropped the teasing and supported me no matter the cost to yourself. It's my turn to do the same for you now. To be strong and brave enough to do that for you and with you."

"You're strong enough to do whatever you put your mind to, love." Killian smiled, running his fingers through her hair soothingly even as she laid back down against his chest.

"I'm stronger with you." Emma said softly, letting her fingers trace lightly over his abs.

"And I with you." He dropped yet another kiss onto her forehead. "Now, shall I use one of those hours, or do you need to be getting home?"

"I'm not sure I want to talk more right now, but I don't want to go either." Emma whispered into his chest.

"I didn't say you had to." Killian soothed, running the stump of his arm over her back reassuringly. "And we don't have to talk either. I'm not sure either of us will sleep again, but the hours before dawn are the loneliest in any world."

"Not tonight they're not." Emma wrapped her arms more firmly around him, dropping another kiss on his chest.

And for the longest time they did nothing but cuddle, just being together and listening to each other breath.

TBC...