Chapter Eight: The Choice

The day almost went too quickly. Rukhsana hadn't lacked for distractions from thinking about her meeting with Agent Carter that evening. It was the first day of full training for the recruits of codename Project Rebirth. She'd been expecting it to be hard on Steve, certainly, but she'd somehow convinced herself that now here she wouldn't have to worry about him getting into trouble. Silly of her to even entertain the idea that he wouldn't get into it just as much as it would get to him. Steve wouldn't be Steve otherwise.

As hard as trying to get through the same punishing drills all of the other able bodied men struggled with, he had to deal with bullies. Something else she'd foolishly thought wouldn't follow them to Camp Lehigh. However, considering the first act Gilmore Hodge had made was to harass and belittle someone for their sex and accent, that he was a bully wasn't a stretch. If the man could spare a moment in between suffering through the physical tests, he found a way to make them harder on her friend just for the hell of it. All the other recruits either egged the bully on or turned a blind eye to it. Even the drill sergeant, Michael Duffy, didn't try too hard to keep Hodge in line when he acted out. It was clear the man had a favorite amongst the recruits.

So the ghost had her work cut out for her making sure the blond made it through each drill without collapsing to the ground from sheer exhaustion or from whatever dirty trick was pulled to put him there. At first her friend protested the help, but after the second drill he was letting her drag him to the end when his strength inevitably failed him. By the end of the day, he was dead tired. He ate dinner and fell into bed, promising with sleep slurred words that he'd wait up for her to get back from her meeting. Of course, he was out like a light before he even finished saying it, so she had to puppet his body a bit to get his shoes off and the covers pulled over him properly. Once that was sorted, she headed off.

"Agent Carter?" she called to the woman who was once again alone in her private quarters.

"You're early."

The agent looked up from the files she was perusing, her eyes moving to the place where Rukhsana was standing.

"I'm- sorry?" she apologized haltingly, "Is that okay?"

"I suppose simply agreeing to wait a day may have been a bit vague of an arrangement." Hopefully that meant she was. "There are some things, before we begin."

"Um, okay?"

Nodding, the woman continued, "I have a colleague I would like to sit in on this conversation. Would you consent to someone else joining us?"

The request was both intriguing and worrying. Considering it was pretty unlikely whoever she wanted to bring in would be able to hear, see, or touch the girl, this might be the first time she'd be revealed to someone who couldn't do any of it. Last time she'd ever wanted something like that, it had been, well. If there had been anyone she'd wanted to really know she was there, it would've been Sarah. That hadn't ever worked out, but maybe this time it would? She reminded herself that she needed to be careful. It was still uncertain what Agent Carter's intentions were concerning her, or her friend.

"That's fine," she finally responded.

At that, the woman stood and crossed the room to her door, opening it and leaning out to say, "Dr. Erskine, if you would?"

"Him?" Rukhsana practically exclaimed.

"I could say something about what people might think about a man visiting your room at night," the scruffy man commented breezily as he shuffled in.

"I've never much been one to care what others might think, if you'd recall, doctor."

"I do recall that." He lowered himself into one of the chairs in her room and cast his curious gaze over it.

Looking to where the girl was supposed to be, the agent asked, "What did you mean by 'him'?"

"I-" the ghost started, biting the inside of her lip before going on, "I don't like him."

Cocking her head, the woman questioned, "Why don't you like Dr. Erskine?"

"It's his fault. For my friend being here. For being part of this project," she forced out.

Thankfully, it seemed the agent understood, because she nodded.

"You didn't want him to come."

"No." The girl clasped her hands together tightly. "Being here means he might go to war. How could I want that?"

"Loved ones never do," Agent Carter spoke with a smile and sad eyes, "It probably isn't a comfort that everyone who is a part of the project chose it."

"Agent Carter?" voiced the only other person in the room. "You were speaking as if someone was there, but I see no one. Is this mystery person who seems to bear me ill will the one you told me about earlier?"

"She is," came the answer, "You mentioned that you had some tests for confirming whether she was telling the truth?"

"Indeed." The man shot her a somewhat mischievous smile. "If you would help me, I can start now."

What followed was a simple, but admittedly genius test. Agent Carter was asked to close her eyes as Dr. Erskine started writing something out on the notepad he had brought with him. Both of them directed the girl to look over his shoulder and read aloud what he wrote and the woman would repeat after her. When they were all in place, the man began to write and the girl began to read.

"All our knowledge begins with the senses-" she began.

Eyes shut, the agent repeated that and, "-proceeds then to understanding-"

"-and ends with reason," they both eventually ended, Rukhsana first and Agent Carter next. (1)

At the ghost's right, the doctor blinked down at the words then up at the woman whose eyes were still firmly shut.

"Remarkable," he breathed out.

"Yes," the woman agreed, "It seems like we'll have much to talk about."

It began with Dr. Erskine wanting to try a couple more tests of his own, just to make sure the initial result had not been a fluke. Some were just as brilliant and successful as the first test, but as they got more convoluted, Agent Carter put an end to them and asked if she and the ghost could be left alone. Once he left after extracting a promise of speaking more about it, she spoke.

"You're really there."

"Yes."

"Will you tell me now? Who he is?" At the girl's silence, the agent frowned. "You still aren't ready to trust me with him yet."

Sarah flashed across her mind again.

"I can't." The ghost's shoulder's hunched. "I need more time."

"That's reasonable," the woman said at last, and Rukhsana's head snapped to her.

"You're not angry?"

"Hardly. I know better than most that trust is earned." A measured glance was cast in her direction. "Loyalty, too. I hope he deserves yours."

Her response came without hesitation.

"He does."

"So," Agent Carter began, turning to walk to her bed and pick up the forgotten files, "Tell me more about you. What is is like to be a ghost?"

The week of training continued, and Rukhsana settled into something of a routine again. (She'd needed a new one, so far from New York and the usual comforting places. And people.) In the mornings, she coaxed Steve out of bed before any of his fellow recruits so that he had enough time to get ready and to breakfast before them. Then she'd follow after keeping an eye on him through training. For once, he wasn't trying to pick a fight the resident bully, too concerned with just surviving from one session to the next. Once training was through, she'd leave him off to settle in for the night either to read or to pass out.

Then she'd steal away to Agent Carter's private quarters for the rest of the evenings.

While the woman respected her decision not to tell her Steve's identity as the girl's mystery friend, it in no way kept her from probing for clues on that front in the meantime. She was, after all, an agent and information gathering was one of her numerous skills. Once the ghost had figured that out, she'd had to be a lot more cautious with what she shared. A throwaway comment about the Brooklyn Bridge had almost led to giving everything away. It was only luck that a large majority of the Rebirth recruits were from New York with one or two from New Jersey and Pennsylvania. She made sure to talk about other parts of New York besides Brooklyn and drop tidbits of information gleaned from eavesdropping on the other recruits in order to misdirect. And not almost explode with the need to talk when the man and the agent were in the same place at the same time, like when Steve had earned himself a ride back to the camp with the woman that one time.

(She'd wanted to cheer for him. And laugh at Sergeant Duffy's face. The latter was what she stuck with.)

Talking about the nature of her existence was a lot safer of a topic. Agent Carter, who after the first couple days told her to call her Peggy instead, was a very inquisitive person. Her mission to find out who Rukhsana's friend was only the first clue. She wanted to know everything about what made the ghost the way she was. In a way, it reminded her so much of what it was like when she'd really met two curious and excitable little boys practically a decade ago. The girl only had about the same information as she had then, the only difference being that the woman was now third in line of people she'd encountered who were able to tell she was there. And the very first to ever hear her voice.

It was interesting to have someone to theorize with at rapid fire pace on why exactly she and the two that had come before her were able to perceive the ghost. And why that perception was tied strictly to three different senses for three different people. Would they be only ones to ever be able to? Almost three decades and the girl had only ever found three. It was hard to say for sure.

Dr. Erskine was kept in the loop on everything concerning Rukhsana, much to said girl's displeasure. Peggy had insisted, especially considering the fact she was keeping this entire thing a secret from Colonel Phillips and the rest of the SSR, at least until the conclusion of Project Rebirth. Both she and the doctor agreed whatever the ghost was, she didn't seem like a threat. They would quietly investigate her on their own and read the colonel into it when they were sure springing the existence of ghosts on him wouldn't interfere with the project. And of course, they'd had that entire conversation right in front of her without really bothering to get her input on the matter. That had been a little irritating and a lot concerning, but she stayed silent.

By the end of Project Rebirth, if she'd successfully kept Steve's identity under wraps and there were no major hitches in the project itself, she and the man could just disappear into the mass of other soldiers. Or even better - though it would break her friend's heart - if he got dismissed from the army entirely after the project, they could just go home, pretend it never happened, and wait for Bucky to come back. She may risk losing a potential friend if she continued to keep her away. But Steve had been first. Steve would always be first. That was something the woman should already know about her, and if she didn't, she hadn't been paying enough attention.

However, she hadn't anticipated was that her hand would be forced.

.

It started with a grenade.

Rukhsana had been watching Peggy work the recruits, her grimace growing as Steve's jumping jacks just got floppier and floppier. She'd barely acknowledged Colonel Phillips and Dr. Erskine approaching. That is, until the colonel's authoritative voice cut across the sounds of the camp, to call out one word:

"Grenade!"

Her fingers just grazed her friend's wrist as she went to clamp her hand down on it and pull him to safety. She could have cried when she realized in the next second that instead of diving away like every other sensible person, he dove towards the explosive.

"Steve, no!" she couldn't help but shout as she went after him, intent on dragging him off the gods forsaken thing.

He fought her like he'd never fought her before when she tried to muscle him away from something. Just kept curling his body tighter around it and yelling for everyone to get away. She started desperately to beg and pull harder at him.

If he died- If he died- If he died-

What would she do with herself? How could she ever face Bucky again? Would Sarah ever forgive her?

And then Peggy was there, a hand on Steve's shoulder as she helped him to sit up, whispering to them, "It was a dummy grenade."

The fight left them both.

"Is this a test?" the man asked, staring at the colonel and doctor.

Said colonel gave everyone an gruff, exasperated look then walked off. That left the doctor with a grin on his face as his gaze met the blond's.

"Yes," the older man answered him cheerfully, before turning to address all of them men, "Gentlemen, may I have your attention please? I have an announcement."

The girl spent hours camped out in Peggy's room, all of it spent seething.

When the woman arrived, she called out from the door, "Rukhsana?"

"I'm here," she said back, staring at the mirror on the desktop that reflected back an empty room.

"Have you been here the entire time?"

"I didn't have anywhere better to be," the girl muttered.

"He asked after you," the agent eventually said, that carefully controlled note of curiosity in her voice, "When he realized you weren't there."

Of course. She'd figured it out. It must've been so easy after that performance earlier.

"Mmhmm," was the only response she could make.

"You seem upset."

"I am."

"I can guess why." At the ghost's silence, she went on. "You didn't like him throwing himself over that grenade. It was brave of him, though."

"It was stupid."

"Those can be interchangeable," the woman allowed, "Dr. Erskine's decision today also upset you."

And she was right again. Bad enough Steve had been so willing to throw his life away earlier. Even if that had been fake, it was real enough that he'd been willing to die and make her watch it happen. But now it was worse, because of all of the recruits available, the doctor had chosen her friend to be the subject for the procedure.

"It wasn't supposed to be him." She looked at Peggy, whose expression was both hard and sympathetic. "It was never supposed to be him."

"Or maybe it was meant to be Rukhsana," the agent said gently, "Private Rogers was the only one personally recruited into the program by Dr. Erskine. That put him close to the top of the stack of candidates right from the start."

"So it's his fault."

"If that's how you see it, then yes, it's Dr. Erskine's fault. But that was because he saw something in Private Rogers. I have faith in Dr. Erskine, and his decision."

"And I don't. There are margins of error. How high is the possibility of failure for this project?" The girl's eyes dropped to the floor when the woman didn't answer her. "Anything higher than nothing is too high for me. Not for something like this."

She didn't go back to Steve that night. Or the day after.

Peggy had made sure to tell her that the man had asked after her. The girl had nothing to offer in response to that. She didn't know how she was supposed to feel about any of it right at the moment. Crying was something she actually missed, she was sure she could have passed the time bawling over everything. Even just the sensation of it, moisture pooling and trickling down her cheeks, her eyes red and irritated with it. That could have offered some distraction from the overwhelming and incomprehensible emotions consuming her.

It wasn't until the dawn of second morning that the woman finally snapped her out of it. The ghost had been sitting just outside the door of her room, watching solemnly as the sun began to cast glowing gold across the lightening sky. When the agent stepped out, she paused there in the doorway and began to speak.

"You can stay here if you want, if you don't think you'll be able to handle watching him do this. But I think you'll never forgive yourself if you let him do this without you, especially if the worst happens like you think it will."

As usual, she was right. Her new acquaintance made a habit of it. It was odd to be understood so completely after all this time with the boys constantly fumbling and misunderstanding her. Maybe it was because she could hear her. Maybe it was just Peggy herself. At the woman's expectant gaze, Rukhsana pushed herself up so she was standing at her side.

"I'm coming."

The ride to the New York testing center from Camp Lehigh was a quiet one. Steve on the right side, his eyes sliding intently over the interior of the car and hands tugging restlessly at the cuffs of his sleeves. He didn't realize it yet, that the ghost was there, too. Sitting in the space between the two others occupants of the car but making no physical contact with the only one who could feel it. Just looking at him made an ugly feeling rise up in her. She had to turn her head away.

All she could bear to do was hook a single finger at the crook where his thumb met the rest of his left hand. She could hear his soft exhalation of her name. He took her hand fully between his two shaking ones and grasped it tightly, and she wondered if her own trembled, too. Glancing to her left, she saw the woman's vibrant red lips pull into a satisfied smile. The girl put her face in her other hand.

This was going to be awful.

She couldn't have imagined then what that day would have in store for her.

For Steve.

For history.

Next

Chapter Nine: The Rebirth

AN: Wow, was this chapter just kind of hard to write. But it's done! On to Project Rebirth. And, guess who? Also, for those of you disappointed that there will be no R/B/S, I have a gift to offer in consolation: an R/B/S soulmate AU oneshot of this story. It's called When Our Stars Fall Here, and it's super gooey, chock full of feels, and vastly AU from Perception. I hope those of you who are interested can enjoy. If poly, soulmates, or ficAU are not your cup of tea, no need to read, I understand.

(1) Quote from German philosopher Immanuel Kant