Hi everyone! I know you all probably hate me very much for never update this! Truth be told, I wasn't going to finish this story. I went through a lot of stuff last year, really crazy and bad stuff, and lost the desire to write all together. But I came across this story the other day while cleaning and organizing my notebook, and decided to read it. Turns out, I felt like there was so much that I planed to tell and never did... And besides, I think I owe you that, don't I?
So I'm really, really sorry for all of this delay! Thanks so much all of you for keep reading this!

And I'd like to apologize for the mistakes as well. English is not my first language.

Thanks sooooo much for all of your reviews! You are awesome! And you are the main reason for me to keep writing this!

And enjoy the reading!

CHAPTER FIVE

Previously on When I lost you, I lost myself...

Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. At least the kids won't suffer as much as she is right now. She answers with a nod and says:

"Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again and she won't be able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely.

"Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed.

§

ROBIN'S POV

It hurts. God, it hurts so much. It feels like someone is hiting me in the head again and again with a hammer. What is happening? This pain is killing me! Stop it, please! I need something to stop it. Am I dying?

§

Where am I? What is happening? This is so weird. My head is hurting so, so much. This is unbearable. Why can't I open my eyes? Why can't I do anything about it? About the pain. What is happening?

I can hear a voice, I think. It's really far, but I think I can hear it. I don't understand what it says. Am I going crazy? If I could only open my eyes, maybe I could understand it. Why can't I open them? I can't move either. Why?

§

There is that voice again. It is still a bit far, but I can hear the desperation in it. I want to open my eyes. See who is talking. Maybe calm this person down. I want to answer it. Why isn't my body answering me?

God, it still hurts. Maybe if I concentrate in the voice, the pain will subside... But it hurts like hell.

I can't.

Is this a dream? Well, a nightmare would be a more apropriate word. I want to Wake up! Why can't I? Why am I strapped in this? Wake up!

My head. My body. It hurts...

§

Há! There is more than one voice now. I think they are talking with each other... About... Me. Why? Wait! No, no, no! Come back! Don't go.

Ohh! Is this headache ever going to stop? I need it to stop! Maybe if it stops, I can open my eyes... understand what is going on here.

There! That voice... Seems closer now. Good.

Yes, yes... I can hear you. Don't you think I want to wake up? Of course I want to! What do you think I'm trying to do here! I just... Can't. Why? Wait! Calm down now... I should be the desperate one here, not you. I'm the one that can't wake up...

Ok! That's enough! Time to wake up!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

This is torture. I feel like I'm almost there, but I just can't reach it. I can't move. I can't open my eyes.

§

It has been three days. Not that he would have known. But it has been three long days.

Slowly, Robin opens his eyes. It is bright and white. Too bright, too White. Too much. The pain is still there. It's better, but it's there nonetheless. But finally, he manages to open his eyes.

He tries to comprehend where he is. His muscles are compromised, so he can't properly move just yet. Can't talk either, he is still intubated. He is struggling to talk, but he can't.

There is someone in the room. Someone wearing white. Everything seems to be shades of white. It's confusing. Where am I? There are tubes everywhere. And there is a beep, that goes on and on and on.

That someone is coming in his direction. He looks at the machines, umplugges some tubes from his mouth and tries to check his eyes. Robin is still very confused and doesn't react to what this person is doing. He feels a pressure on his sholder then, and looks to his right. That person is touching him there, and he is saying something: "Sir... Sir! Can you hear me?"

Robin tries to answer, but his throat is too dry and only after a few weak coughs, he manages to mutter something, indicating that yes, he can hear him. The person then explains who he is. Turns out, he is a doctor and Robin is curently lying in a hospital bed, has been there for three days already, aparently in a coma. He doesn't remember this. Can't quite grasp the fact that he has been out for three days straight. The doctor talks about the car accident then, and how a surgery was necessary in order to stop the bleeding in his brain. Robin doesn't have any recollection of a car accident, can't even remember being in a car in the last days – last memories of his at least.

At the end of the doctor's monologue, Robin has his heart jumping inside his chest. Distress goes ungoverned throughout all of his body. Deep in his mind, he knows something very wrong is going on with him. He can sense that something is missing, something is just not right. But the doctor doesn't say anything. He only presents the facts. Doesn't share his opinion, nor gives his diagnosis.

Questions are asked then. Standard questions. Things like his name, where he is from, where he is now, last memories, which year are we in. Robin proceeds to answer each one of those questions, but he feels unsure, has doubts. Not that he doen't know the answers at all, but what if it's not what he is expected to say, what if his answers are not the right ones anymore?

The doctor, on the other hand, seems to be very confident and doesn't show any emotion, face blank all the time, sighing from time to time and writing down on a chart. He looks calm, but that is not enough for Robin. He needs more than this kind of expression. And tells the doctor exactly that. But he doen't budge, states that he has just woken up and this is normal. He will feel better later, that more tests and time will be needed in order to draw a more conclusive diagnosis.

And with that, the doctor places the chart in its proper place, calls a nurse that is just outside his room, tells Robin to relax a bit, that he is going to call his mother and then proceeds to the doors, leaving behind a very confused and anxious Robin.

§

Robin is still on the bed. Still very confused. He remembers being in pain. Too much pain. But he doen't remember being in an accident. Doen't have any recollection of it at all and that makes him very disturbed.

He is lost in thoughts, trying to recall any piece of memory, when someone pushes the door open. He turns his head toward it the moment he hears the sound.

It is a woman. Their eyes meet as soon as she walks in. She is beautiful, he can't deny it. She seems to be very tired, has bags under her eyes and seems to be older – over 30 probably – but she is definitely beautiful. Long ebony hair, falling in waves over her shoulders, captivating lips, a dazzling smile, and chocolate brown orbs – oh those eyes – he just can't stop looking at them, they are fascinating and they speak from themselves, they are like the window from her soul. He has seen something like this before, hasn't him? – The thought crosses his mind – But where? He can't remember. Perhabs it's some side effect from a medication, he decides.

So yes, she is, without a shadow of doubt, stunning. But he has never seen her before.

She though, she seems to know him, because as soon as her eyes locks with his she takes a deep breath and walks confidently to his side of the bed. She doesn't say anything, only puts her hands on each side of his face and crushes her lips onto his in a searing and desperate kiss.

He is stunned, to say the least. Of all the scenarios that crossed his mind, this isn't one of them. He can't deny the rush that goes trough his body when her lips touch his, though. It brings him some sort of peace and calmness that is incomprehensible – and so much needed with all this anguish that he has inside of him right now – It shocks him for a moment. How is that... Possible? But then reason takes over again and that is just unwise, it's madness. So, he doesn't answer the kiss, and once he can, he tries to recede from her. She is crazy. There. Her flaw. No one is perfect after all.

Robin is staring at her with wide eyes. He arches his eyebrows and meets her gaze. He stays in silence, completely astonished. What an insane person. When she notices his lack of response and his behavior, she backs off a little bit, creating a space between the bed and her. His eyes rake her body and then go back to her face, his frown getting deeper with every passing second. What the heck should I do? Who does she think she is? Is she drugged or something?

After a few minutes, Robin decides to blurt his first words: "I'm sorry. Who are you?"

"What?" She answers with wide open eyes, clearly surprised, which leaves him somewhat puzzled with the situation and he tries, really tries, to search deep in his mind a connection between them that explains her action and reaction, but he doesn't find anything, not even a slight remembrance. So he repeats "Who are you?" and she is suddenly stunned and with her mouth dropped open. She tries to say something, he can see that, but she fails.

There are other people entering the room, but he keeps staring at her, waiting for some sort of response. After a few moments, he sees from the corners of his eyes that someone approaches. Good. They will take the crazy beautiful lady out of here. Good. But that doesn't happen. Whoever came close stopped right next to the lady, so he flicks his eyes in the direction of this new person standing in front of him. She seems familiar. Looks like mom, but older, much older. He thinks. The old lady doesn't move, only stares at him with an unsure smile, way too familiar for him. It's so familiar that, after a couple of seconds, he says in a barely audible sound "Mom?" His mother smiles sweetly and approaches him, welcoming her son in a hug. And for the first time since he has woken up, he feels he is not so lost and alone after all. He can suddenly sense a great relief inside his chest. There is still someone he can trust and rely on. Someone that he knows for sure. Even though it's weird that she looks so older than what he remembers.

The pretty, but crazy, lady stands there for a moment, with an undeniable helpless face, staring blankly at the scene that is taking place, her eyes filling with tears. He watches her and even feels bad for her. Feels like… He doesn't know how he feels actually, but there is something between them, and for a second he wants to just take her in his arms and tell her everything is going to be alright, that she is not alone, that she doesn't need to feel afraid, or sad. What? This is madness! Where are these thoughts coming from? I have never seen this woman before in my life! Definitely side effects from the drugs!

When his mother recedes from the embrace, she asks: "Honey, don't you remember Regina, your wife?" And that does it. It's enough to bring back all the anguish, anxiety, fear and distress into him. There is a silence in the room, but Robin's head is screaming with this new information thrown at him. What? Wife? I must be on something, obviously. I'm hallucinating. Sure, that explains a lot here, but still it is just too crazy. He is 100% sure he has never seen her before. And even if he has… marriage? He cannot be married yet. There is fear growing inside him, because if even his mother is saying these nonsense, then there must be something really wrong with him and, Oh boy, that is scary.

"My… wife?" He answers after some time, still in surprise "I have… a wife? I think you are mistaken. I can't have a wife; I'm too young to be married already. I'm sorry... Mom?" He says then looking at the lady but as if asking for confirmation from his mother. He can see the hurt all over the woman's face, but he doesn't understand how is that even possible. She stays there, just standing and looking at him for a moment. The tension in the room is clear and he starts to feel very uneasy. Something is clearly very wrong here. What has happened to me? These questions keep repeating inside his mind, over and over again. But before he can voice any other question, she is speaking. "I… I'll give you two some space. I'll be outside if you need me."

And with that she storms out of the room.

§

Angst, distrust, fear, loneliness and confusion are part of Robin now, every day haunting him. Afflictions hover around wanting to devour everything inside him, with a heavy heart and a cold feeling running through his spine with every new information – not really new, if he would remember who he is, or rather, who he became. He feels like the world collapsed and there is no longer a way out. After all, everything in fact is lost, at least the last twenty years of his life are.

After that woman was out of his room, his mother explained calmly to him everything that happened, told and retold the last twenty or so years of his life. In fact, the woman is not crazy after all. She is indeed his wife. And he has two children with her. Henry and Roland she said are their names. His first reaction was, obviously, shock and then he immediately felt an overwhelming anger; anger for losing all these memories. He is an adult already, he has his own family, is apparently loved by his wife – if that kiss is an indication of that – and he just does not remember anything. This is extremely unfair, not only with him but also with everyone around him.

The woman. His wife, that is, returned to his room the next day. He was more welcoming after his conversation with his mother, so they were able to actually talk. She told him all about them and their children. The glint in her eyes when she speaks of them is undeniable, she definitely loves very much those two kids. And he should love them too - he would like to remember it. She kept coming back again and again after that day. Regina is her name. Beautiful name. She has been restless. And it really feels comfortable to be next to her, the conversation flows if he lets it, which he doesn't most of the times, because it is still strange to him. Besides, she always has this look towards him, so expressive, asking him so much ... He simply doesn't know how to act. He can see the sadness behind her eyes, as much as she does everything to hide her feelings from him, every time she tries to get him to remember something and he can't, he sees all the sadness in her eyes, even if it's only for a moment. That makes him extremely frustrated by not being able to remember anything, makes him completely upset to cause so much pain on another person. So every time he begins to notice how sad he makes her, he decides to give some excuse to make her leave, to push her away.

Friends have come by to visit every day. Robin doesn't remember them either, but they stay and talk anyway. They ask him how he is doing, tell funny stories and even laugh together, but there isn't a real connection with anybody other than his parents. It's amazing how one moment can change everything in a person's life. Impressive how an event can bring so much sorrow, sadness and loneliness – yes, because losing at least twenty years of life makes you a loner. Even if you have people on your side, they are living something different from you, in a different time. No matter the number of friends or family; you just don't feel good, you feel alone. A star lost in the sky, in the midst of so many others, trying to get close to the moon without even knowing the way, or why. Simply lost.

Perhaps all of this will pass at some point; The anguish, the distress, the fear, the loneliness... The thoughts that are far from the reality - the reality that I don't know - sometimes it seems that it will pass; after all, there is no such a thing as eternal happiness. All I'm feeling won't be felt forever as well. But this kind of thought soon disappear from Robin's head when he sees her. Once again, coming through the door. As always, she tries to hide her feelings, but he can see the hope that she carries with her while geting in.

This time she brought old photos, from high school if he is not mistaken. Photos of them both together and others with their friends. "Maybe seeing us younger might help, right? It's closer from what you remember." She says. And he tries. He really tries to recognize something in there, but the way she stares at him, always so intensely, waiting for him to remember something, suffocates him and he decides to say, again, that he did not wake up feeling really well, that he needs some rest and asks her to leave. "Maybe later, if I feel better, okay?" He says, lying in bed. He knows it makes her extremely sad, but he also knows that this is inevitable anyway. So better sonner than later, right? Best not keep creating expectations.

Every single moment that passes, he is more certain that he won't remember anything. Anything at all.

§

He will be released later today. And for the first time in all these days, Regina is not in his room when he wakes up. In fact, he has not seen her since yesterday in the late afternoon, when he said he was not feeling well and needed some rest. And that's a bit odd, because she is always here. But that's okay, for then he has time to actually make a decision as to his destination when he leaves the hospital. They've talked about it. Actually, Regina talked about it, he merely listened. She was all about how the children are homesick, how they are missing their father and can't wait to be home again with mommy and daddy. Not once she states what she wants and what she feels – not the he doesn't know – she is probably too afraid to let her desires out and scare him, as if he wasn't scared enough about this whole thing.

The point is that he doesn't want to go home. For he doesn't even know this 'home'. He doesn't remember this house and it's no longer his home. It's only a house with three other strange people sharing it with him. Not home. Not anymore at least. Then there is also Regina. He can't handle more of this memory intensive treatment, he is always feeling forced into having to remember something and he knows once he is living with her, there will be no way to escape anymore. Besides, let's face it; He won't remember anything. She has been very insistent all these days and nothing has changed. He cannot live this way forever, nor can she. It's not fair to her, not really. She deserves to be happy and he knows that if it's on her, she will never give up on him. She has shown that much already, and he doesn't want that, can't have that. So, he needs to give up on it for her.

Clearly, they still have the kids and he can't neglect them. They don't deserve to go through this. No one deserves, but they are only children and won't understand that their father is alive, but at the same time they lost him because he doesn't remember them. So that's it. He won't escape from his responsibilities towards the kids. Will recreate a relationship with them slowly, with the help of his parents, of course. But he can't go home, not to her home. It's unfair. They understand that tragedies happen, they need to live with that now. They can and need to move on. Both of them. So live with his parents seems the most reasonable thing to do. It's what he knows, what seems familiar to him and what he needs right now. It seems cruel and selfish, but deep down he wants to give the best chance for the both of them. Regina is a stunning woman, her beauty is such that you can't admire the parts separately, you must admire her entirely; her most beautiful curve is her smile, and she goes far beyond only external beauty, she also has a beautiful soul. She deserves and will find happiness again, because with him, this is no longer possible.

§

When Regina gets to Robin's room, he's sitting in the armchair with a faraway look and she, for some reason, feel the need to be quite cheerful and gives him a 'good morning' full of joy, with a smile on her face that appears to be indeed genuine. Robin then awakes from his thoughts with her voice. She has a box in her hands. Probably ready for another session of memory treatment.

While she goes in the direction of his bed, where she places the box, she explains to him that she had gone home with Emma yesterday and today she needed to stop at home to pick up some stuff. She keeps talking until Robin blurts; "Oh, okay Look. ... We need to talk. " He quickly notices the change in her stance. As if she knows something bad is coming and he sees her crossing her arms in front of her as if protecting herself for whatever is coming.

"So… As you might know, I'll be discharged later today." Robin starts, but stops waiting for any sign of approval from Regina, which she gives him in a form of a slight nod.

"And I think it's best if I go home with my parents" He adds then.

"You mean…" He can clearly see the confusion in Regina's face. Obviously, she wasn't expecting that. "What I mean is I will be staying in my parents' house." He explains calmly to her.

"For how long?" She asks, trying not to show too much. She holds her mask well and tries not to show the surprise, but of course he sees it behind her mask. "I don't know." He answers and then adds "Honestly… As long as it takes me to remember something about my life."

"Ok. I'll stop by every day and we can work on it. I'll take the kids as well, they miss you." She is hurt, he sees it. But she seems to be trying to be understanding about it.

She is a wonderful person; he has to give her that. Swallowing her pride, her own feelings, her own wills. She doesn't crumble in any moment, at least not in front of him. He knows she is extremely hurt and sad about all this since the beginning and the only thing he does is to make her suffer even more, but here she is once again putting all of her feelings and frustrations aside and being strong for him. She is, undoubtedly, an amazing person. The last thing he wants is to keep hurting her.

They stay in silence for a few seconds. But then Regina tries to change the topic, as if what he has just told her isn't a big deal and as if it's not hurting. "So… about this box – " But as soon as she starts reaching for the box, she feels Robin's hand on her and he cuts her. "Regina."

She stops and looks at him. He still has his hands on her arm and they stare at each other for a while until Robin realizes she hasn't move since he grabbed her. Clearing his throat, he recedes and lets her arm go before start speaking. "What I mean by that is that I need you to back off. I don't really know if these whole remembering exercises are doing me any good. Or doing you any good. It is clear that my brain has suffered permanent damage and I might never remember anything."

"Robin…"

"The thing is… The way you talk about us, it feels too much. I mean… It seems that the love that we shared was huge, like we were soul mates. Like I loved you to the moon and back, and you loved me in the same way."

"Yes… It was. It was everything. And I still feel the same."

"Exactly. You know how it was and you still feel it. But I don't. And it feels like a really big responsibility for me. I can't give you what you expect me to give, sorry."

There is that silence again. Very uncomfortable. Very hurtful. She doesn't say anything, but she must have a big storm going on inside her head, her eyes are full of tears and she is doing everything she can not to let them fall. He can't take it anymore. Can't keep hurting her like this. They need to stop doing this. "But… - " She tries, but he cuts her suddenly "Look, you seem like an incredible woman. And you are beautiful, that's unquestionable. I'm sure you will find someone that will make you happy again. I'm sorry, but I can't be this guy anymore." There. He said it. Plain and straight. His heart sank as the words came out of his mouth, and he felt an ache deep inside him that was kind of unexpected. But finally he managed to say it.

Her tears start falling down on her face. She turns from Robin then, trying to hide from him how hurt she is feeling right now, but he hears the sobs and sees the trembling of her body nonetheless. He wants to go to her, wants to wrap his arms around her, but he has just told her to let him go, to let them go. He can't comfort her. So, Robin doesn't move, even though he feels the storm that is going through her mind. The best thing he can do after all he just said is give her some time, and so he does. He is feeling like the worst guy in the world right now, but he is being honest. He knows he won't remember a thing from his life anymore, days have passed by and there was no change, none. Besides, this routine, these exercises and these trips to memory lane are only making him stressed, frustrated and feeling like his life – and hers – has stopped. Keeps reminding him of all he lost. He wants to move on from this sadness and daily drama, he wants to go back to live his life, as best as he can. Selfish or not, he needs this now or he will go crazy, more than he already feels.

It takes Regina a couple of minutes to recompose herself, to contain her sobs and the trembling that is going through her body, but she finally manages. When she does, she takes a deep breath and faces Robin again, but she can't find in herself to meet his eyes, she only whispers:

"What… What about the kids? What should I tell them?"

"The kids… They are my kids; I have to take responsibility at least in that. I talked to my mom and she will help me with that. Don't worry; I'm not a completely jerk. I will fulfill my duties as their father."

Regina let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She answers with a nod and says:

"Ok. I… I think I should go now. There is nothing else left to say." And she finally looks at him. Robin nods. When she looks into his eyes, her tears start falling down once again, she isn't able to hold this time, so she let them fall freely.

"Bye Robin" She whispers and leaves the room without waiting for his answer, closing the door behind her and leaving the box long forgotten on the bed.