Surrender

When Cody swore he'd love her forever, he meant it. He simply underestimated how badly it'd hurt. He underestimated everything terrible about loving someone forever and a day. He underestimated the many nights he'd think about her and only her. He underestimated the loneliness that one feels when the one they love isn't right there with them. He underestimated the numbing sensation one gets when they finally get it through their thick skull that the love they feel will never, ever be returned, no matter how hard we wish it were.

Cody just sits there on his bed, his eyes unblinking, his shirt on the floor, his hair a mess, his shoes untied. It was three minutes past midnight; he knew that because of the dim light from the alarm clock on his desk. The ceiling fan wasn't rotating; the only light in the room coming from the clock. The hallway light is off, the street lamp outside the house was out.

"I have to stop." He whispers to himself. He reaches for his cellphone and opens up the text message. It's from Gwen, from her trip to Acapulco with her boyfriend. She's showing off her new ring. She sent it seven hours ago. It was a mass text message, sent to all her friends, himself included. Cody just sighed.

"Congrats" he began to type. Eighty times he's tried that today. Eighty times he has tried to convince himself he was happy for her. Eighty times he has tried telling himself that all that matters is that she's happy. Eighty times he's deleted that response. Zero times has he sent it.

"Let her be happy..." He whispers to himself. Let her be happy. Let her be happy. Let HER be happy! Let her be happy by being out of her way. Let her be happy by moving to a little corner in the room and watch her dance with everyone but you. Let her be happy by being the one guy who always stays beside her as every dick in the world breaks her heart. Let her be happy by moving into the background of her life as she finally meets the one man besides you that was one hundred percent willing to finally give her that ring.

"I just want her to be happy." He lies to himself. That isn't the truth at all. Many people want the ones they love to be happy, but we also want ourselves to be happy. This is the human condition, we are all predisposed to think of ourselves, no matter how much we're taught that it is wrong to be selfish.

"It's OK, I'll always be there for you." He whispers to her picture. Yeah, like a puppy. A puppy who wags his tail whenever his master comes by, hoping for walkies or maybe a treat. Like a puppy who has to whine and beg just for a pat on the head. We are all puppies in that regard, aren't we, Cody?

"But I'm just so tired, Gwen." He whispers to the phone. "I'm tired of having to wait and wait for a chance to show you that I love you too. I'm tired of waiting for an opportunity, for you to see how much you mean to me."

"I just wanna know..." He pauses. "Why not me? Why am I not good enough for you, Gwen?"

Why am I not good enough? A question raised trillions of times, never answered satisfactoraly. It's one of those questions you don't really want an answer to, but you ask anyway. Why? Why bother asking something you don't really want answered?

Maybe you don't know what you want. Maybe you don't know what you need.

"But I have to stop feeling like this. I can't let myself feel like this forever." He whispers to himself.

Or maybe you do. You just need that little push to realize what it is that needs to be done. Maybe you know all along what you need but you're so focused on what you think you want that you forget it.

Cody deletes the message Gwen sent him, sets his phone on his drawer, and lays on the bed. He stares at the ceiling as the sweat beads slowly slither down his temple. The phone rings. He picks it up to see who it is.

It's her.

He closes his eyes, breathes in, then sets the phone back on the drawer. "No, Gwen. I'm done. I give up. I don't want to do this anymore."

Some people are worth loving forever. Others, you have to learn to let go.

The end.