the part of me i can't explain

She breaks right through the heart of me. / Kai cuts a deal with the Red Lotus to go undercover. Simple, right? Wrong. [Kai/Jinora] AU of season 3, oneshot. Happy birthday kyaifire!

i.

Cutting a deal with a bunch of criminals was just something you got used to after years on the streets. But Kai has to admit that these guys, led by a bald dude with a scar - the Red Lotus, or something? - are pretty scary. They manage to convince him though (which has nothing to do with the thick wad of cash being waved under his nose) that going undercover with the new Air Nation will be easy. Simple.

"The Avatar's looking for airbenders," the bald man, Zaheer explains. "Just make up some sob story about your parents and you'll be in, and those Sheriffs chasing you will be more than taken care of by us."

The sob story is far from the truth: abandoned, unwanted, given away for a few weeks to people who didn't really want him. The Avatar and her friends eat it all up, and hardly believing his luck, Kai walks onto the plank of the airship.

Kai doesn't know why, but he gets the sinking feeling, as the girl introduces herself with rosy cheeks and a sweet smile, that maybe this mission won't be as easy as he thought.

ii.

The mission is falling to pieces and it's only been five days. Kai blames Jinora. She's just so likable, with her willingness to help, to overlook his flaws, and the way her laughter sounds when he manages to pull a giggle out of her. And she makes him feel bad for lying (Kai doesn't like that part so much).

She tells him, one day, that she'd love to go study at Ba Sing Se, even if it isn't the route of a traditional Air Nomad. She's lithe and young, but he can see the weight on her shoulders: the willingness to carry her people, to sacrifice for them. It's inspirational in a way, and it occurs to Kai that what she just told him is a secret. The Red Lotus uses money and fear, just like the gangs on the streets. But Jinora trusts him. Nobody's ever done that before.

The smile she gives him when he, truthfully, tells her he thinks it's a great idea, makes his heart flutter.

iii.

Getting kidnapped by the Dai Li is not fun, a nasty side affect of running away from the airship when they had arrived in Ba Sing Se. It's his old instincts, and even though Jinora's hurt expression surfaces in his mind, he thinks maybe, he can run away from that too. Besides, he was going to receive his first payment from the Red Lotus for passing information. He couldn't miss that.

But he could miss her, and he can't help but think about how royally he's screwed things up as he sits in the dark, damp 'hole': a punishment for showing mercy on another airbender. And then she flickers to life, illuminating his dark cell, and he's never been one for symbolism or poetry, but he thinks, oddly enough, that it fits.

The money from the Red Lotus is gone, taken by the Dai Li when they had shoved his itchy new uniform at him, but Kai can't find it himself to really care when Jinora throws her arms around him.

The information he had passed on makes him feel like the words are still stuck in his throat, a uncomfortable tightness in his chest; he can't quite run away from this. He isn't sure he wants to.

iv.

Jinora's almost been taken by bison poachers, and it occurs to him then that he cares, truly deeply cares about her and her people and what happens to them. It's a little unsettling, but he's too angry to think about it; there's a sick sort of satisfaction rising up inside him as the poacher slams against the metal hood of the car, and he has no intention of stopping when his staff is halted in its tracks.

"Kai!" Tenzin reprimands. "An airbender never attacks a defenseless opponent." Then his expression softens, and Kai's fury dies down. "But that was very good technique."

The boy hovers anxiously as Jinora's freed from the cages, and the amount of relief that washes over him when Jinora smiles at him is staggering. "I'm so glad you're okay."

"Thanks to you," she smiles sweetly, and his heart flutters again.

"Well, yeah," he shrugs, rubbing the back of his neck. "You're my friend. I... I care about you." Jinora pecks him on the cheek when her father isn't looking, and Kai feels like he can fly without a glider. That old feeling of guilt resurfaces, stronger than ever, because he's still lying about who he is and what he's doing and it's her how can he lie to her?

The Red Lotus said they just wanted to break in and steal some ancient airbending relics. So what he was doing wasn't really wrong, was it? Nobody was going to get hurt. He wasn't doing anything wrong.

Sneaking out to meet up with the Red Lotus at night using his glider was surprisingly easy. Kai passed along his information, same as always, on the outskirts of the nearest forest, but his stomach was twisted into knots.

"No one, no one is going to get hurt, right?" he asks uncertainly. The firebender with the third-eye smiles.

"Of course not."

"You - you have to promise that no one, not Tenzin, or his family," or Jinora, "or any of the other airbenders are going to get hurt. That this is a simple, harmless robbery."

"Promise," the armless waterbender says. Kai doesn't find it very convincing, but it's enough to put his mind at ease. They were just going to take some stuff from the Temple, that was all.

v.

That is not all. Kai grows aware of this as the airship pulls up, and no no this is not the plan what are they doing and flecks of lava come dangerously close to hurting someone as the lavabender rounds them up. This is not what the Red Lotus said it would be. All of the airbenders are shoved into one of the mini-Temples within the Temple, and Kai takes a protective stance in front of Jinora. He can feel her hands, small and shaking, on his back.

"What are you doing here?" Tenzin demands.

Zaheer smiles as if they're old friends. "A simple hostage situation. If you cooperate, no one needs to get hurt. We simply want the Avatar, and you are her friends, so she'll come running, won't she? And I must say, we never could have pulled this off without the help of a certain special someone."

Kai's eyes are burning and he's never felt more humiliated or ashamed of anything he's ever done, and it hurts more than any punch or disk to the ribs ever did and he's trembling when he hears Jinora gasp behind him and removes her hands.

"This wasn't the deal Zaheer!" he rages, pulling himself on his feet, half thinking his legs might buckle. "You said no one would get hurt, you lied to me!"

"From one excellent liar to another," Zaheer says, waving a hand dismissively. "I'm afraid you won't be getting the rest of your payment, either."

"Kai," Jinora's voice wobbles. "Please, please tell me you didn't..."

Kai can't bear to look at her, a lump in his throat. "Jinora," his voice cracks, "I swear I - I didn't mean to -" he shuts his eyes. This has to be a nightmare, and he'll wake up. "ZAHEER!" he thunders, wrenching his eyes open and full of rage. He sends a slice of air towards the man, who expertly dodges it and slams him to the ground before punching in the gut.

"Too bad Kai, but don't worry, if the Avatar doesn't cooperate, we'll be sure your little girlfriend is the first to pay for it," Zaheer chuckles. Kai drags himself back on his feet, fire in his eyes.

"Over my dead body," Kai growls.

"That can be arranged," Zaheer says smoothly, and raises his hands, and Kai feels his lungs compress, his throat tightened and scraped by cold air.

"Stop it!" Jinora screams. "Stop it! you'll kill him!"

Air rushes back into his lungs, cool and fresh and he drops to his knees, coughing and shaking. Tenzin's barking out orders, "Bumi, Kya, help me hold them off!" and "Jinora, get everyone out of here!" when a pair of small hands wrap around his arm and help him to his feet.

"C'mon," a voice says near his ear, and he identifies it as Jinora's. She helps him hobble out of the room, the sounds of the fighting fading away, and Kai's chest is still burned with humiliation, his lungs seared and ragged. He tries to speak, to say he's sorry, but he can't do anything but focus on breathing. He wonders how close he had come to death, saved only because of Jinora's screams and Tenzin's quick thinking. How they had saved him even when he had just stabbed them in the back.

There are tears pooling in the corners of his eyes, and that while he doesn't know how, he knows that, somehow, he'll make it up to them. He only hopes there's enough time to keep that promise.

The stitch in his chest seems to tighten when they reach the last stretch until the bison poachers, out in the open to the firebender in the airship humming above. Kai doesn't hesitate as he grabs a glider: he know what needs to be done.

"Jinora," he chokes out, "I'm sorry." He runs out into the open, ignoring Jinora's cry of Kai, wait! and drops into the air, soaring up to the airship. He dodges the firebender's first shot and blasts a gust of air her way, knowing, really, he can only buy them minutes, that the likelihood of his survival is slim, but it's his fault, he needs to fix this.

He feels the heat before he feels the full impact of blow, as his conscious is shattered and his life set aflame in a bright burst of smoke and fire. He thinks he hears someone yell his name, and thinks, hopes, it's Jinora.

vi.

If it wasn't for the fact he knows where the airbenders are, Kai doesn't think he'd be able to face Tenzin. The airbending master is beat up, and looks within an inch of death, and Kai's stomach ties itself into knots with guilt.

"Kai, you're alright," Tenzin sighs, a glimmer of happiness in his eyes, and the knots loosen.

It's with shaking shoulders he waits as Asami unlocks the airbenders' chains - chains he for all intents and purposes put them in - and then he sees Jinora and everything seems to fall away. Another apology is on the tip of his tongue, but dies in his throat when she hugs him with a huge smile and pulls him into a tight hug and he breaks, tears spilling from his eyes.

"I'm sorry I'm so sorry they lied I'm sorry-"

"I know," she murmurs gently, and he tightens his grip around her. "I know. I forgive you."

And he thinks that all along, that was all he really needed; not riches but a home, a family, a second chance, and none of the airbenders speak out against him, his sacrifice payment enough, and he thinks, knows he's found it.