A/N: Howdy, ya'll! I've been playing reading One Piece as of late, and this idea sort of just came to me in a dream, as it were. I've been suffering through bad surgeries, heart attacks, and I must've eaten some weird hospital foot, or watched WAY too much of the anime, because I had a weird dream.

Naturally it gave me an idea, and so I made a few tweaks to it. I'm honestly bracing myself for the backlash of even trying this, but in all honesty, I simply couldn't bear to let the idea die.

I thought of doing a Naruto crossover with this-let me know if I should!-but then I realized I've done that aspect to death. One Piece self inserts can go one of two ways; they can either be truly good, or truly bad. Hopefully, this is the former.

Anywho, I'm sure ya'll know the places and people by now, and if you don't, be sure to watch the show yourself or at least familiarize yourself with it...

...else you'll be hopelessly lost. I'm going to be straight as laces with the aspects of my life here it to ya'll to guess which aspects of my life written here, then we'll jump in! Sorry if its short! Expect much more to come! As this is my second self-insert story, PLEASE BE NICE! I worked really, really, REALLY hard on this!

"Not real, not real, not real! No way is this real!"

~?!

You are a Pirate

Have you ever died?

Redundant question, right? I mean, if you were dead, you wouldn't be reading this story. Unless you're a ghost. In which case, please disregard that inquiry, humble spirit. But back to the matter at hand.

Hmm...if I were to count on one hand, I'd say I've died at least three times, that I am aware.

The first was when I was seven years old. My heart stopped beating for three minutes, I was told, before they revived me. The second; I was thirteen, and my heart stopped once again, demanding surgery. I've had many since, and each time, I feel I've come closer to death, drawn near and nearer to knocking on death's door. Each time, I believed in life less and less. I'm no emo, but when your heart sometimes simply refused to beat, your outlook on life is a little jaded.

Just a little.

Yes, reality has a way of hitting weak fools like me right in the hopes and dreams. It likes to take the mirror of your life and shatter it before your very eyes; beat those broken shards down so deep you don't even know they exist anymore. Until you don't exist.

Nope, I never believed in fate. By the time I was an adult, I didn't even want to. There, I said it. Monologue over. Plain and simple.

Which brings me to my third "death" as it were.

My third death would have to be when I ceased existing in this world entirely.

...and wound up somewhere else.

It all started with an ocean voyage. Pretty harmless, right?

Wrong.

Now, I now what you're thinking and no; this ain't no ocean cruise. Just me, a few friends, a couple bottles of beer and the ocean. My buddies thought it was an excellent idea to take me out to sea-hey, not my idea!-as an excuse to celebrate my recovery. I wasn't exactly in any condition to refuse, considering I'd been laid up in bed for a week in the oh-so-lovely state of New Jersey. They'd insisted, I was tired of lying arounds, a yacht was involved, etc.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure why Sam decided to us out on his "baby" as he called it, his precious vessel he wouldn't even let his wife use.

I'd daresay the man treats his boat better than her anyway.

But, for whatever reason he agreed to captain our little expedition, snarky bastard that he was. The weather was clear, the water flat, and I could still see the short a comfortable distance away.

Sooooooooo, there we were. An idyllic little group of friends and family, minding our own business and celebrating my continued life and health. My latest surgery hadn't been an open-heart one for once-by now most of the soreness was minimal, so I was able to move with only minor difficultly. May the dear lord damn pacemakers and the need to replace their batteries every four years! Curse them, I say!

I won't bore you with what everyone was wearing; honestly, I barely remember. Mostly trunks and swimsuits and the like. I'd selected a green shirt and trunks for the occasion. Words were said, glasses raised in toast; it really wasn't anything entirely memorable, but I was glad to be there regardless. My heart may be weak, but the doc always advised exercise, so I was relaxing after a nice dip in the warm waters flowing into the bay, drying myself in the sun, working on my tan.

Now, I could just sit back on deck, soak up the rays and slee-

"Aha! There you are."

...and relaxation ruined.

My blue eyes squinted open as dark shape interposed itself between me and the sun. A face not unlike mine but younger, minus the beard and with blue eyes grinned back. It was then that I realized I wouldn't get any sleep-or peace-until we returned to the harbor.

I was looking at my little brother.

"Having fun?" he asked.

"What do you want, Sean?" I grumbled, wincing as my body struggled to maneuver into a sitting position. "Can't ya let a cripple rest?"

"You're hardly crippled." his finger jabbed at my side, elicting a soft hiss. "Still sore?"

I swore unflatteringly at him in Japanese. Another difference between us, I'm an english major struggling to master different languages while my brother...is my brother. No college for him, too busy living the high life with the ladies and milking off of our parents. He's what I was when I was his age before my health woes...addicted to life.

"What're ya cussing at me like that for?" he swatted my hand aside, laughing. "This ain't an anime."

"Says the man addicted to Gundam." I sniped.

"Hey! There's nothing wrong with watching giant robots try to kill each other! Better than that Piece One crap you watch, or whatever you call it."

Sacrilege!

"I am not related to you." I grumbled, flopping over. "In any way. Kindly throw yourself overboard, sir."

"Here."

In response he tossed me an orange. A rather large orange, one I just knew had seeds in it. I hated seeds.

My eye twitched. "Yuck. I'm not eating that. You know I like the small ones.

"C'mon! The doctor said you need to eat healthy. Gotta have that calcium!"

"No."

"I'll shove it down your throat~!" he sing-songed, forcing it toward my face. That's the thing about my little brother. Four years younger than me...FOUR TIMES THE ANNOYING. Seriously, he's a good kid, taking care of his big brother while I'd recovered, but he can be a right and proper prick when he wants to be. Such as now. Shocking, right? But he's my brother, and we've always looked out for one another. Its that classic love-hate thing that most siblings have going on.

"Do I have to force-feed you?" I nearly threw up.

He would too, the bastard. We might love to badger one another, but if there's one thing he's serious about, ironic as it is, its my health.

"Alright, alright!" I grumbled, snatching it out of his hand and gouging a huge bite with my teeth. "I'll eat the blasted thing...blech!" I inadvertantly swallowed several seeds-SEEDS!-in that first bite. "I knew it! You little bugger-

His face was the picture of innocence. "Who me? I didn't put the seeds there, you know."

"Hardy har, har. You are a pirate-

Then the wave hit.

"Hmm...interesting."

"What? I...what is...where is...

"I think I'll bet on you. Be grateful. You're getting a second chance. A little tweak here, a pinch there, wouldn't want to change too much...there. Done."

"Where am...am I dead? Why can't I see-

...try not to drown."

(?)

My first reaction when I woke from that dream dream wasn't pleasant by any means.

My mouth instinctively opened and inhaled, ready to spew curses, only to inhale liquid instead. I promptly spat it out, my eyes bursting open. Blurry images greeted me, followed by a profound realization. Water. Why, then, am I underwater? I hung there, disbelieving, trying to recall how or why I'd suddenly found myself spinning in the frothing liquid.

The last thing I remembered was...wow. I really didn't remember much of anything beyond that blinding eternity of pain. Now I was...swimming, apparently?

Now, see, I knew that didn't make any sense. It couldn't. If I'd passed out underwater, I would have drowned. It was simple reality. Therefore, my mind rationalized, I could not be underwater. Or if I had, I'd blacked out for only a moment. A stupid rationalization of course, foolish at best, and one I swiftly dismissed it as I realized I was, in fact, trapped under water. My mind moved sluggishly i the murk, vainly struggling to piece together what'd happened.

Of course, that was when the panic well and truly set in.

What was that? A freak wave? Out of nowhere?! This is New Jersey, not Florida! That shit doesn't happen here!

Bits of broken wreckage lay strewn at all around me, broken fiberglass and bits of wood drifting wildly past. Of Sean and the others I saw no sign, only blood in the water. My blood, leaking from what I assumed had to be a gash in my head.

Then I realized I wasn't alone.

SHARK!

Word cannot hope to describe the mind-numbing terror I feel when I see one. Maybe I'd watched Jaws one-too-many-times as a kid. Perhaps that would explain the irrational, primordial fear I felt towards all creatures with fins and teeth. Regardless, it was massive even to my impossibly clear vision, close enough to touch. No. No no no nonononono! My body relapsed to pure instinct, trying and failing to kick backward at the sight of those horrible black eyes, and succeeding only in sinking even further.

To this day, I don't know what happened next or why.

It raced in and my hand lashed out, whacking that bugger right on the nose. Something exploded. One swing, a burst of impossible, under the water, defying physics and reality itself, before he decided to try and come back for another pass. A blind gamble at best, but somehow, I connected.

And it died.

Just like that; its eyes went wide, its body convulsed, and the bugger went belly up.

I'd just killed a shark with one punch. Underwater.

After that life-changing epitome, I realized something else.

I couldn't breathe.

Lungs burning! Air! Need air!

Flailing madly I shot toward what I hoped was the surface, strong kicks carrying me towards the light. At least, that had been the plan. Instead my body refused to obey, my arms and legs pinwheeling uselessly against the water. Instead of swimming I sank, drifting deeper and deeper into blackness. This didn't make any sense! I was a great swimmer! Captain of the swim team in high school! HOW IN THE HELL COULDN'T I SWIM?! I scrambled uselessly at the wreckage, searching for something, anything, desperately propelling myself forward... was that.. sand under my feet...?

Blackness.

In my last moments, I thought I felt something, or someone, grab my hand and pull.

(?)

Just like that, I quite suddenly found myself coughing up water.

"Well...I'm definitely not in Kansas anymore...

Hmm? My own voice sounded strange to my ears.

My bleary eyes refused to accept what they were looking at-stupid eyes!-an idyllic island veritably teeming with life and greenery. It looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place it. I turned to thank my rescuer, blinking back a bit of saltwater from my eyes

"Look, I don't know who you are, but thaaaaaaa...

My words trailed away into nothingness as I finally got a good look at them. Her.

Nico Robin.

My mind supplied the name immediately to match who I was looking at, and I felt reality shake itself apart again. Impossibly, this was Nico Robin. I'd seen her countless times before in manga and anime, and unless my head wound had done some serious brain damage, I wasn't hallucinating.

Was I?

"Are you alright?" she asked in flawless Japanese. Japanese. Oh, bugger. Really wishing I'd mastered that language, rather than learned it on a lark. "I found you in the shallows and...

I didn't hear the rest. What the hell?! This was like one of those stories I wrote!

Well, I sure as hell didn't write this!

...did I? Too many questions!

Yes, I was looking at a younger version of her, a little girl. She wasn't yet the death-dealing beauty everyone knew and loved. She...she was just a kid. Which meant, if I was correct, this was Ohara. Had to be. And that meant...no. No way in hell. No no no no NO a thousand times no! I was not in One Piece! No way! Not possible! Improbable! Unless, as I thought, I was suffering from a massive head injury and tripping very, very hard right about now. Unwittingly, my eyes swung back to my rescuer.

So, this was the young Robin, before the world visited hell on her...

Now I found that equally odd, because I didn't remember her being this tall, let alone near my height-eh? I frowned as I caught sight of mine arm, staring down at the slim hand that was-and was not mine-it looked like a boy's hand, not a mans. My clothes lay in tatters on me, little more than loose rags. Very loose rags. Fearing the worse I turned, catching a glimpse of myself in the surf, daring to look at my reflection.

Young.

Fuck all kinds of duck.

Childish features stared back at me, my face devoid entirely of stubble or any sign of manliness. I was still unaturally tall and skinny for my age, but that was it. No. I had to be seeing things. I pinched myself. Nothing. Pinched my arm again. Still nothing. I felt my left eye begin to twitch, the reflection mirroring my aggravation. I was a child. Maybe eleven at best. Once more, my wounded mind was slow to process this, but when it did...

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL?!"

The little girl looked at me as though I'd grown an extra head.

"You're weird." I heard Robin say. My body twitched.

"Weird...ha...hahaha...yes, I'm weird...

Needless to say, I did the next perfectly rational thing.

I fainted.

A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaand there we go! My very first try at a self-insert story for Once Piece*blushes furiously*and I pray to god that I didn't do to badly. I REALLY WANTED THIS TO BE ENTERTAINING HERE FOLKS! I'm a master writer when it comes to Naruto, Bleach, and other works of fiction, but they be just that. FICTION. This is me inserted into this story, bits of my life plumbed out before you, and, well, to be honest, its a tad embarassing. None of the oddity I did with Not a Hero. Just simple insanity...and now I'm stuck as a kid...who can't swim...hint hint hint!

That was hard as hell to do, considering I had no idea where to start and now...WHERE in blazes do I go?!

Ideas?

Naturally, I plan to go more in depth with certain characters than most...including new events and all sorts of chaos as I plunge into the the wild, wacky, sad, awesome world of One Piece! It will make ya laugh too, I promise! God, I really am going to ruin time as we know it in this one...and all ideas are welcome!

So, in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review, Would You Kindly?

...hope ya'll like it! And of course, enjoy the preview!

(Preview)

I was fighting an Admiral.

The very notion of it was foolish to the extreme; how could I, an untrained man, possibly hope to defeat some as skilled as Aokiji? Simple? I couldn't. I was getting my bony ass handed to me in spectacular fashion as I never had before; the only reason I wasn't a block of ice was thanks to my unsual ability. A terrified Robin lay crouched behind me, cowering near Saul's frozen body. Not her fault; I was the idiot here, throwing my self at Aokiji like this, but...

...I just couldn't stand to see her cry.

"Arararara, you're pretty stubborn, but this is the end."

I scowled.

"You know, I always hated that laid back attitude of y-

That was my last thought before a wall of ice hit me.

R&R=D