because a) this was requested and b) I had a nightmare that applied

disclaimer: I don't own the copyrighted material within

Hiro stares up at his bedroom ceiling and smiles because it's done. Within the hour, two at the absolute maximum, he'll be dead.

It's actually a little funny, now that he's got the peace of mind to think of it. The little purple pill was developed for euthanasia back in the heydays of San Fransokyo's civil rights movement, but quickly banned in a backlash of oh gods won't you think of the children. Hiro's a child, sorta, and that didn't stop him from walking down the streets that bot fighters hesitate to tread, buy one of those little little purple pills and swallowing it whole in the dark.

He's not afraid, those days are long past. Hiro remembers the first time, past Hiro wants to die so badly that he dangles over the edge of his high school and lets his body fall whichever way the wind blew. The wind blow him back on his ass and into a puddle, and the rest of the day his bullies laughs that their poor widdle baby genius has up and wet himself.

That is the first; the second is another kiss to the wind by the bay bridge, and the wind dislodges his phone with Aunt Cass calling about dinner plans and Mochi brought in another monster lizard you gotta come see the meat on this one! And for a while after Hiro is a good boy, keeps his head low to the ground so he can smell his parents' ashes and try not to join them.

Then one day those ashes smell so sweet, and really, if all of these people keep telling Hiro to kill himself every day then obviously they must be on to something, right? Not the wind or a pill but a knife to the veins pulsing like caged birds deep in his belly. Hiro pretends that he's a samurai kneeling over the bathroom mat, and he's dishonored his father's name and must make amends.

Tadashi stops him.

Hiro clutches the sheets and his nails scrape along his futon. Tadashi stops him, Tadashi always stops Hiro when he's too far deep but now he's gone and soon Hiro will be too. Isn't that sweet? Together again, like the days Hiro can't really remember past the golden shadow of Tadashi's smile. High school is rough, separating them and throwing Hiro to sharks with perfect eyeliner and maturing bodies and voices that carry like the blade serrating along Hiro's stomach.

Tadashi stops him before the scar becomes too ugly, and Hiro remembers his eyes. Wide eyes, wild eyes, why-would-you-do-this eyes. Hiro can't remember if Tadashi cried at their parents' funeral but he cries kneeling in the bathroom, ugly hysterical tears that mistake Hiro's hands for Hiro's guts and Hiro yells at Tadashi to calm down before he hurts himself and Tadashi screams right back that Hiro's already done that.

Hiro cries then, and there's not enough tears in two broken brothers to wash away all that blood The wind blows in through the cracked window, and there's not enough air in the sky to give breath to the apologizes sticking to Hiro's throat.

Hiro cries now, muffling himself with pillows crammed into the aching dry sobs shaking themselves loose. Oh, he's going to die and he never told Tadashi he's sorry about making him patch Hiro up, about making him lie to Aunt Cass about how Hiro gouged himself, about how he always worried Tadashi about the bot fights and the people fights and the silent fights

he hurt Tadashi more than their parents' deaths ever did and maybe he deserves to die for that alone.

Hiro tries to remember Tadashi's gold but only remembers those wild eyes, how they widened at the fire and boiled away in that fire. What an idiot, running to his death and leaving Hiro to spend a small fortune on a little purple pill when they could've died together. Their parents died together, and while their love is fundamentally different Tadashi iswasis the most important person to Hiro, so why couldn't have they as well?

No, Tadashi died in a blaze of glory and Hiro will be dead before sunrise. No one will know why, the pill's toxins are invisible unless one looks for a specific expensive unpopular euthanasia pill. Aunt Cass will probably assume that Hiro just died in his sleep, like her grandparents. Hiro thinks of the funeral Aunt Cass will hold for him; it will be lovely, she's got decades of experience with burying loved ones.

Hiro cries harder and how could he think of leaving her alone? Not her, not after Tadashi still warm in his urn and their parents and their grandparents both sets and cousins uncles aunts the man in Aunt Cass's photo hidden under her bed back. Oh gods oh no what did he do, can he fix this? He can wait, he doesn't want to die tonight he can hold out until she's gone and then they'll all be together and that can be enough.

He exchanges his pillow for his fingers and heaves over the side of his bed, but he can't tell if he's dizzy from the sudden vomiting or whatever the pill is supposed to do in his final hour. But maybe it's enough? Can he make it enough? Hiro throws up over and over and normally Aunt Cass would be barging in but she's so tired from grief, how could he do this to her and make her have wild Tadashi eyes when she'll discover his corpse.

Hiro tastes blood and he deserves it. He hopes that his scar opens up and the wind hissing through the bedroom window blows him out over the city to splash his brains on his high school's front steps, that'll show kids like him to be horrible wastes of flesh. Tadashi looks at him with eyes that scream and what will his parents say when Hiro goes straight to hell for such selfishness?

Of course, it's not like he really had a choice in the matter. Sure, he'll live for Aunt Cass and Mochi until they're gone, but is that a life? Tadashi always said that Hiro would be great, would be happy, would always have Tadashi by his side, whispering these lies into Hiro's hair when his stomach ached and the window sang and all Hiro could do was curl up against his niisan's side. He said this and ran into a building to die and leave Hiro alone, didn't their parents say never to lie? Tadashi had them for much longer than Hiro did, he couldn't have pretended to forget.

Hiro forgets everything about his parents except that they're dead and left Tadashi and Aunt Cass to clean up the mess, the selfish bastards. And bless Aunt Cass, but she's no mother, and Tadashi could do only so much as Hiro's father before the blood hit the window panes.

Hiro jerks as spots dance around the room, and is he dying? His heart's racing and his feet are freezing and his throat is achy bloody raw, but this is no different than his binging fad a few years back. Tadashi walks in on that one too, and Hiro's pretty sure that Baymax only exists because Hiro's a massive fuck up.

Maybe Baymax has the antidote to the pill? Does the pill have an antidote? Tadashi would've known, and Hiro throws off his sweat soaked sheets because a crying-induced heat stroke is not how he wants to spend tonight. He can't see much in the dark, the window blinds clacking like ghosts against the breeze, and Hiro wants to wake Aunt Cass up

but what good will that do, dragging her into his disaster

Hiro walks to the window and his legs aren't weak, not like the bathroom or the bridge or the rooftop. He feels ready to run away and never look back, and maybe if he runs far enough screams loud enough rages hot enough, the pill will melt away.

Yeah, that would work, right? The pill's intended patients were sick bedridden patients waiting to die in their sleep, not hyperactive terrified boys in desperate need of a second chance, a do-over. And it's been so long since the pill's been banned, maybe that backalley dealer peddles condensed baby powder instead. Hiro feels more alive in this moment than any moment since Tadashi's death, so surely that means he's right!

He wants to live, he wants to see Aunt Cass smile and leave all of this blood behind and be happy for once. His veins pulse like caged birds deep in his belly, and maybe he'll build a suit to fly tomorrow, today?

What time is it, it's been so long since he's wanted to die, since he's remembered Tadashi's golden shadow, since he's rediscovered a will to live.

Hiro yanks back the window blinds and smiles because it's been more than two hours, he sees the sun rise—

The coroner takes a few weeks to discover the cause of death. He had to look for it, so sudden and so alarming was Hiro's death scene that a thousand different possibilities had to be ruled out.

Cass doesn't care. All that matters is that her baby is dead, the very last of her family, and by this point she might as well join them.

Stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Throw it in reverse and you've got my nightmare in a nutshell.