Betraying the Team

by Apple Blossom

Disclaimer: Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D belongs to Joss Whedon, Jed Whedon, Stan Lee, ABC, Marvel Television, Mutant Enemy, and anyone else who wants to lay claim to it.

This story contains spoilers for Providence and The Only Light in the Darkness and dialogue directly from the episode.

After dispatching the guards John Garrett rounds up the Hydra soldiers and we head down to the main level. Garrett stops in front of a door, setting the charge and asks, "You know the slingshot program?"

"Yeah," I tell him. "It's how S.H.I.E.L.D. gets rid of its dangerous technology."

"Do they now?" he questions, a sinister grin on his face as we plug our ears, waiting for the explosion. It is small but effective and the blast doors open easily as the smoke around us clears. Garrett walks in and says, "Welcome to the toy store."

As we wander deeper into the hold he tells the guards, "Grab all you can boys. If it looks dangerous, good. Alien, even better."

"It's all here," I say in surprise. Everything that I thought had been rocketed off the Earth is now at Garrett's disposal. "The slingshot's a fake."

He tells me that they shot a lot of empty rockets into space and adds, "Do you really think Fury would give away all of these goodies? You're talking about the same guy that messes around with Tesseract technology and sparked an alien invasion."

John finds what he's looking for, the alien artifact from Peru, and uses it to blast a hole into another room. We look through the containers, taking what we want. I find something unexpected and slip on a pair of gloves before reaching for the Berserker staff. I remember the rage it set free in me when I touched it for the first time. The memory it unleashed still troubles me and if possible I am more angry with Christian today than I ever was during my teenage years. I want him dead. I feel that hatred growing within me and I know that this staff is the cause. While these feelings ebb and flow within me I remember what the Asgardian warrior told me when I asked how long it would take for the rage and anger to dissipate and was disheartened when he told me that it would take decades. As the months pass I fight the urge and working with Phil Coulson's team helped in ways I couldn't imagine, but I know that's gone now. I am a traitor to him and I wish I had never gotten so attached to them, especially Skye. So many times I wanted to tell her the truth, but I owe Garrett everything. He saved me from my family. From myself. I shake my head, bringing myself back to the task at hand. Garrett releases the prisoners while I put the staff away and let one of Hydra's guards carry it off. Remembering something Coulson told me, I wander down one of the empty hallways, looking at the floor below me.

"Grant, come on," Garrett says, carrying the alien artifact from Peru still. "We gotta roll. The chopper's almost full."

"There it is," I say.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asks as I ask for the artifact. I tell him that Coulson has hidden something underneath the floor but Garrett doubts me, reiterating that he's seen the blueprints for the Fridge.

"Care to make it interesting?" I ask, looking forward to proving him wrong for once. It happens so little that I can't help but grin a little.

"Loser buys dinner," he says, crossing his arms, his disbelief obvious.

"Perfect," I tell him, blowing a hole into the floor below us. When the smoke clears we crouch down to look at exactly what I know will get Garrett the help he needs.

"Well hello gorgeous," he says, staring at Ian Quinn's gravitonium.

We get back to the base and Raina gives us the bad news. Skye has programmed the hard drive to erase all the data if anyone other than her tries to access it. I'm not surprised. It's exactly something she would do to protect our team. To protect S.H.I.E.L.D.

"You know what that means, Romeo," Garrett says and I frown at his words. It means I have to go back to Coulson's team. I don't want to. It's easier to betray them if I never have to see them again, especially Skye. She can read me like a book and as many times as I've wanted to confess to her where my loyalties really lie, I don't know that I can trust myself not to. But this is what the plan has been all along. My getting attached to Coulson' team is my own fault and something I need to get over. I owe Garrett everything. I keep repeating these words in my head over and over until I almost believe it.

My cell phone rings unexpectedly and I see it's Coulson's number but it is Skye on the other end of the line. "Ward?" she says when I answer, her voice worried. "Thank God."

"What's wrong?" I ask, glancing toward Garrett as he stares my way in interest.

"We just heard the Fridge has been taken by Hydra."

She tells me how to get to where they are and before I hang up I tell her I'll see her soon.

"Listen," Garrett says as he pulls a turtleneck over his head, hiding the scarred ruin of his body. "About the girl..."

"Look, I know how much this means to you," I interrupt, not wanting to hear what he has to say about Skye. "I'll get it done."

"Hey, we all have our weaknesses," John says, straightening the shirt over the metal embedded in his side. It is the only thing that keeps him alive and I know we have to find the solution to saving him soon. That's what we've been working for, for so long. "The heart wants what it wants. You can't control everything. So, if you can do it the easy way without blowing your cover, then by all means."

"I just need some time alone with her to get the information."

"You'll have it," John tells me. "Coulson will be busy. I'll give you 24 hours to get the password and get out. After that, well, cross off the team and bring the girl to me."

He approaches and asks, "You got your story straight?"

"We just need to make it believable." John hits me with a hard right cross and then a left, and I feel the bones in my cheek fracturing, the pain spreading out in all directions. He hits me again and again, leaving me a bloody, bruised mess. I take the hits as punishment for what I've become. For betraying Coulson. Lying to Skye. The thought of having to kill Fitz and Simmons is all too much. How did I let myself become so attached to them all? When Garrett's done his worst I'm allowed to leave and take a jet to the isolated, snowy coordinates Skye gave me. I'm asked to identify myself and I say the words I've practiced. "Grant Ward. Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D."

A metallic voice says, "Welcome Agent Ward. We've been expecting you." The hidden base is exposed as the doors slide away and I sigh to myself as the reality of what I have to do becomes imminent. She is waiting for me on the other side of the doors and she smiles as she sees me. That look triggers a pang of want and need from deep within me and for a moment I let it flow before I suppress it once more.

"Thought you might have given me bad directions," I joke as I pull off my knit hat, coming in out of the cold.

"You okay?" Skye asks, her hand reaching up to look at the wounds on my face, her thumb touching my chin gently as she gives it the once over.

"It's just a scratch," I say, tough guy mode on but then I try to remove the backpack and pain rips through my chest as I add, "Maybe a broken rib or two."

Skye helps me remove the bag and says, "Come on. Simmons should take a look at you. Then maybe we can... get that drink."

Those words. The way she looks at me. That slight smile and all I can think of is kissing her again and for a moment I forget about my mission. I just want to be with her as I say, "Deal."

Skye leads me to a room where Simmons looks me over, treating the fracture as she says, "I'm afraid this might scar."

"Upside, you'll look bad ass," Skye jokes, but I can see the worry in her eyes, even as she hides it behind her words. "Dangerous."

Fitz hovers, Coulson questions and I tell them the story we put together. They think Garrett is dead and I show them the hard drive, trying to get Skye to back it up so I can get out of there without having to kill them. Without having to deliver her to Garrett, but Coulson has other plans for her.

I'm forced to take the lie detector test in order to prove I am part of the team and again I'm reminded of my brothers, my parents, my sister. Anger swells within me again and I tamp it down, trying to get through this without blowing my cover. Koenig doesn't believe me and pulls out a weapon asking if I'm associated with Hydra. He doesn't like my answer and points the gun directly at me until I finally tell him the truth. Sort of. I'm here to spend time with Skye. It registers on the lie detector and Koenig seems satisfied with my answer, handing over a lanyard for me. Before I find Skye I slip into a dark section of the corridor and pull the slim piece of metal I've buried just under my thumbnail out. It hurts like hell but it helped keep my pain readings up and the results of the lie detector inconsistent. Fitz finds me and as he complains about Trip I suddenly understand something. He's in love with Simmons. We chat for several moments and when he tells me he's glad I'm back, I feel bad all over again for betraying them. At least most of the team is leaving so I won't have to kill them if I can't get Skye to unlock the hard drive. It's not a relief.

We watch the team go, only Skye, May and I left behind with Koenig. May looks furious and I take a moment to calculate how hard it will be to kill her. She's a specialist like me. She's the Cavalry. It won't be easy. I need to work on Skye, get her to unlock the drive sooner than later so I can slip away unnoticed.

I find Skye in Koenig's office arguing with him and when she sees me she says, "Can you help me convince Steve Rogers here to suit up. Grab his shield. Head into battle."

"Okay," I say, confused by her words. "Who's he supposed to battle?"

She turns to me and has her determined Skye face on as she says, "If we hack NSA satellites we can get footage from the Fridge breakout. See who was there. Where they went."

Inwardly I cringe. She's too smart for her own good but I smile and say, "She's right. It's worth trying."

She turns to Koenig, waiting for his decision and I know my secret is going to be revealed as soon as she gets her data so I add, "You know I can't hack the NSA but maybe I can upload the hard drive. Get the specs on the weapons they might be carrying."

"Absolutely we should," Skye agrees and for a moment I think I've got her on board. "But we can't. The encryption is location based. We'll have to take a field trip at some point to decrypt it."

Koenig is impressed with her, as we all have been from the moment we met her and agrees to let her start the hack. Things are getting worse by the minute and I realize that I'm probably going to have to kill both Koenig and May at this point. I dread Skye finding out the truth about me. She'll never understand. Skye heads off to the communications room and I know that in an hour, or less, everything will be revealed.

I find Melinda May with her bags packed and ready to leave. I'm ready to kill her, but I don't want to and I'm relieved that she's going. She tells me, "I was here for Coulson. But he can't see past me lying to him."

"I get why you did it," I tell her. "When you get orders you don't question them. You follow them, no matter the price."

This is what I struggle with most. If I am loyal to Garrett - who I owe everything to - then I have to do what he says. He is my supervising officer and his orders come before anything I feel for this team and anything I feel for Skye, as hard as that may be.

"Well this price was too high," she says. "I lost him. Coulson doesn't want me here. He doesn't need me."

She walks away and I glance at my watch before moving on to find Koenig. He's in his office looking at the satellite feed that Skye's managed to procure. Time has run out and I have to deal with him now. Afterwards I fix the satellite feed to remove any incriminating data and hide his body in the ceiling of the storage room, affixing a penny to the door jamb so that if anyone opens the door I'll know. By anyone I realize that I mean Skye as she and I are the only ones left in the base. When I head back to Koenig's office I find her already there. She's disappointed by the feed and I tell her that Koenig's gone to upload all the data to various government agencies. I distract her by telling her that May's gone and Skye is angry that she didn't say goodbye, didn't care enough about the team. She's convinced that the only reason May was there in the first place was to spy on Coulson. She asks if I cared about her at all and I tell her no, which is the truth. There's only one woman that I have ever cared about and I'm staring right at her, lying to her, wishing I didn't have to go through with this.

"You can't choose to feel," Skye says to me.

"Usually I can," I tell her. "It's different with us."

I get up to pour us a drink and she says, "Us is a strong word."

She approaches and adds, "I know I kissed you but to be fair I thought there was a 97% chance we were going to die. But we didn't die."

"Which is good," I tell her.

"Yes that is very good," she agrees. "But there's still no rush on us being an us. It's not like it's a good time to start anything."

"There's never a good time," I answer, handing over one of the glasses to her. "But we've got to start somewhere."

She smiles and my heart melts. I can't do this, I think to myself. I care about her too much and I'm starting to forget what is real and what I'm making up. She crosses the room to the chair and I settle onto the sofa as I start telling her I really feel about her. Now I'm not lying at all and I hope she can see that.

"If that's the way you felt," she tells me. "You had a funny way to show it."

"Specialists don't spend time with a lot of people and when we do... we're all cut from the same cloth."

"Black Kevlar?" Skye jokes as she sips at her drink.

"Trained to get the job done. Keep emotions in check." I know I should be doing that right now but I can't and I tell her the truth. "But you, you're different."

"Different bad?" A slight blush crosses her cheeks and she smiles at her own words, trying to figure me out.

Bad for me," I answer. "I didn't want to think about you. I wanted to stay focused... and then I saw you... after you were shot... fighting to stay alive... but you're right. I'm Kevlar. You're not."

Skye leans forward and I can feel my emotions getting the better of me. I've left this door open too long to shut it now. She says to me, "You don't have to be. You don't have to shut people out."

"Yeah I do," I tell her and I feel that rage that burns just under the surface, reminding me of who I am. Where I come from. Telling me that I am no good for her. "There are things about me that you wouldn't like... if you knew."

She doesn't understand. She asks, "You think I don't have skeletons?"

"It's different," I reply. "You're... good."

"So are you," Skye asserts and she almost convinces me.

"Not always." I look away, down at the ground, because I need to get myself under control before I blow everything. If I don't get the job done Garrett will come after her and he will do anything he can to get what he wants. But when I look up I can't seem to help myself as the memory that haunts me bubbles forth again and I say, "I lied to you. My older brother. He didn't beat up my younger brother. He was crueler than that. He made me do it."

Skye closes her eyes, empathizing with me as the realization of my words hit her.

"And I let him," I add. I almost feel a weight coming off my shoulders as I reveal this to her. The rage is settling down, burying itself deep within me once again and it is a relief. I can't help myself as I continue on. "I was afraid of him."

"What about your parents?" Skye asks, unable to believe that anyone would let this go on.

"They were worse," I tell her. Her eyebrows furrow in concern for me and I know I'm over the edge. I'm just going to tell her and we'll deal with the consequences after the fact. My heart aches as I say, "I am not a good man, Skye."

"Hey," she whispers, getting up from the chair and settling next to me on the sofa, one hand squeezing mine gently. She reaches for my chin, turning my face toward her as she reassures me. "Yes you are."

I can't help myself as I lean forward pressing my lips to hers in a desperate kiss. Half a heartbeat later her hand cups my face, her fingers wrapped around my chin and ear as she kisses me back. She stops all of the sudden, her features worried as she pulls her hand away, blood dripping from behind my ear, covering one of her fingers. It is not mine, I know that immediately, and I remember that I can't tell her anything. I'm a monster. I've killed Koenig. Killed Victoria Hand and who knows how many others. I allowed Ian Quinn to escape the Fridge. The man who shot her. I work for the man who ordered Quinn to do it.

"One of my cuts most have opened up," I tell her, hurrying out of the room, needing to be away from her, to get my head on straight. I owe Garrett everything and I have to remember that. I wash the blood away and hide the razor wire again before I head back to the room but she's not there.

"Skye," I call out as I search the base for her. If she finds Koenig I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do, but as I slowly open the door the penny drops from above and lands in my hand. My secret is safe. I can still do this without having to hurt her.

"Hey," she says from behind me, her arms folded in front of her. "Think I'd be hiding in a closet?"

I close the door and approach her saying, "I was wondering where you went. I went back to the room and you weren't there. Why'd you leave?"

"Truth?" she asks and I worry that somehow she knows.

My heart beats faster as I say, "I'd appreciate it."

"You scared me," she answers and my nerves settle back into place. "Opening up and that kiss... which was a very nice kiss I admit."

"I didn't mean to scare you," I tell her honestly.

"I don't exactly overanalyze. I just act impulsively and freak out after the fact," Skye says.

"Are you still?"

She shakes her head no and closes the distance between us, standing on her tiptoes as I lean down and our lips meet once again. I could get used to kissing her like this, that much is certain. I'm hungry for her and as her fingers slide into my hair I hope she feels the same, but I know I can't act on it. I have a mission to complete and the sooner I get her to crack the hard drive the sooner I can leave her. I can't let Garrett close to Skye. This much I know is true. When we part she says, "No. I'm good. I want this."

I feel the stupid smile on my face and again I struggle with the idea of just taking her and running far, far away from S.H.I.E.L.D. From Hydra. From Garrett. She asks me, "And you? What do you want?"

"What I want," I tell her honestly. "Is to stay here with you and imagine the world outside doesn't exist."

She smiles slightly and I have to make my decision now. I'm a soldier. I follow orders. "But the world outside does exist. I just got word from Fitz. They need our help. The bus is fueled up and ready to go."

"We should tell Koenig," Skye says and I lie to her, telling her I already did. When she tries to leave to get some things I realize I can't let her out of my sight. My deadline is fast approaching and I need this drive unlocked before Garrett sends someone after her.

"We need to go right now," I tell her.

"Of course we do," she replies. "Lead the way."

I smile and reach for her hand, threading her fingers in mine. It shouldn't be long now. Skye will unlock the drive and I'll leave her safely behind. Someday she'll understand why I did what I did.

Someday.

The end