*Its sixth year and due to the escalating war with Voldemort, the Ministry enacts a Marriage Law. Harry does not approve. This is a One Shot parody/crackfic of the Marriage Law fics, with some common clichés thrown in!*

Warnings:

Extreme sarcasm

Character Death

Everyone (except Voldemort and his Minions) is OOC.

Rated 'T' for strong language.

This is a parody/crackfic so it is not to be taken seriously.

Pairings:

You will find out if you choose to keep reading. However, there is no Slash.

*A/N* Hey guys! It seems these types of fics are pretty popular, so I thought I'd try my hand at one. After reading several parodies of Marriage Law fics, this particular plot bunny would not leave me alone, but I promise to return to Courage and Cunning right after I'm done posting this!

That's It, I'm Done

The rumors about a marriage law being enacted had been swirling since the last few weeks of summer, and everyone had been talking about it with either excitement or dismay, depending on who they were.

For one teenager in particular, he was not happy.

Harry James Potter, who had spent the summer being ignored by his relatives, used by the Headmaster in one of his many manipulative schemes, and feeling angsty and guilt ridden over the death of his Godfather, was not amused in the slightest. He could not understand why, out of all the stupid decisions made by the Ministry, this one had to be a MARRIAGE LAW.

It was bad enough that he was now being hailed as 'The Chosen One', and that Voldemort was looking to kill him at the first opportunity, but now he had to put up with the bone-headedness of the stupid Ministry deciding who he should marry and have kids with.

And what was the reason for the Marriage Law you may ask?

The war with Voldemort was sure to decimate the entire wizarding population, so to get a jump on procreating new little witches and wizards to callously take the places of the dead, the Ministry, in all its infinite wisdom, had decided to take it upon themselves to force witches and wizards between the ages of sixteen and forty to marry people they, the Ministry, deemed suitable to be together.

Dumbledore threw a major hissy fit during the debates when Fudge, who for some reason managed to worm his way out of being replaced as Minister, demanded that everyone have at least one child by the end of their first year of marriage.

Dumbledore's hissy fit worked when the Headmaster reminded everyone that the Dark Lord Voldemort was running around killing everything that moved, and he finally got the powers that be to see some sort of sense. So instead of having all the people who were being forced into marriages have a child during the first year of marriage, they decided to delay that little mandate.

Let's be honest, trying to get to know your new spouse, keep up with your studies if you were still in school, have babies, fight a war, and fend for your life was just too much of a strain on everyone, and the Ministry begrudgingly agreed.

They finally conceded to enact the 'having babies' mandate until one year after Voldemort had been defeated. This would ensure that all the new babies actually lived, considering Voldemort would probably kill them all anyway if we was still running around.

After that, the Headmaster smiled gently and nodded in approval.

Once that little hiccup was ironed out, the students of Hogwarts, who were sixteen years old or older, breathed a small sigh of relief.

But Harry James Potter was still not happy.

Sure, he didn't have to have babies right away with his Ministry chosen wife, but he was still going to be forced to marry someone against his will, and that didn't set well with him.

From the age of one and a half, his whole childhood had been planned out and dictated down to the very last possible detail. This was mostly done by the evil, manipulative, conniving, hideously dressed, lemon drop eating Headmaster, but Harry was dammed if he was going to let the Ministry dictate his adult life after he defeated Voldemort. (Because everyone knows that he is the only one who can do it, according to a substandard, desperate for a job, drunk, and probably fraudulent Professor Trelawney.)

So, Harry James Potter came up with a secret plan that he would launch, should this stupid marriage law actually happen.

The fateful day finally arrived on October 31st, simply because shit always hits the fan on Halloween. Harry was sitting in the great hall eating breakfast with his very best friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, who both seemed rather unfazed about the whole situation.

(Ron was just happy to let the Ministry decide who his wife was going to be, since talking to girls was rather stressful, and Hermione, in her complete trust in all authority figures, trusted the Ministry to do the right thing.)

Anyway, they were all having breakfast and quietly reading the Daily Prophet, which had a screaming headline about the Marriage Law passing, when more owls swooped into the great hall carrying pure white envelopes containing their wedding announcements.

"Well Harry, looks like this is it!" Ron exclaimed happily as he grasped the pure white envelope in his hand. "The moment of truth. I just hope I get Lav, Lav, and not someone like Millicent Bulstrode or something. She looks like a troll."

"Now Ron, be nice." Hermione scolded gently, as she plucked her own wedding announcement from an owl's beak.

Harry just scowled at them and snatched his own announcement from the owl, who glared at him and flew off in a huff.

"This is the stupidest thing ever." He grumbled as he stared warily down at the dammed thing.

"Won, Won! I got you!" Lavender Brown suddenly shouted happily, as she grasped her boyfriend of only one day in a tight hug.

Ron, who looked absolutely relieved, hugged her back and snogged her for about five minutes before they sat down to read their wedding announcements to each other.

Just like Harry, Hermione hadn't opened hers yet, but another sudden shout got their attention.

"I'm not marrying that insufferable, know-it-all, Gryffindor child!" Severus Snape roared, as he jumped out of his chair.

He jumped up so quickly that he knocked his chair over, which sent a few unseen house elves (because everyone knows that not being seen is the mark of a good house elf), scurrying away in fear.

Hermione's eyes widened in shock, and she quickly opened her wedding announcement. Her eyes became wider than galleons as she read, then she blushed lightly.

"Now Severus," Dumbledore said calmly. "There is no need to be so angry. You should feel good about having to marry an eighteen…"

"She's sixteen!" Snape snapped.

"No she's not. For convenience, (because everyone knows that a relationship between a child and an adult is very gross, disturbing, and not to mention illegal), she just turned seventeen. However, in her third year she used a time turner to get to her classes, so technically she is now eighteen. Remember, this new age for Miss Granger is for convenience only, so she's not a child anymore." Dumbledore said.

"Oh, well that does make a difference then." Severus thought, but then he scowled. "I still don't like her though!"

"It's for the greater good." Dumbledore said, as he fondly patted the Potion Master's hand. "You know that Lily," he whispered out of the side of his mouth so that no one else could hear, "would be delighted that you found someone as smart as her."

That did it. Severus Snape, the feared dungeon bat, melted into a pile of babbling goo at hearing his beloved's name, and all was right with the world as far as he was concerned.

As for Hermione, she was very pleased, seeing as Professor Snape was an authority figure. After all, despite all of Snape's insults, snide remarks, bullying, name calling, and all around hateful attitude, she actually had a super-secret hidden crush on the greasy headed, not-at-all attractive Potions Master. (Hermione, the poor soul, had no idea that in the movies Alan Rickman, who played Snape, was a hottie, because in the books Snape's description proved that he was a rather ugly man. However, not knowing about the hottie who played Snape, Hermione settled for his hideous looking book counterpart.)

Harry, who had not opened his wedding announcement yet, looked around at his completely out of character friends and acquaintances like they had lost their damn minds, (which they had), and scowled again.

Hermione was now making doe eyes at Professor Snape, who was making kissy faces at Hermione because her doe eyes reminded him of Lily's patronus, and Ron was once again snogging Lavender. Fred and George were grinning from ear to ear because they had each snagged the latest, hottest, and most brilliant prankster Mary Sue of the Potter world, while across the great hall at the Slytherin table, Draco was crying.

Harry did a double take.

Draco was crying!?

"Why couldn't I get Pansy!?" He wailed. "Why do I have to end up with the new, hot, twenty year old, Mudblood, Muggle Studies teacher!?"

Harry noticed that Blaise rolled his eyes at Malfoy, but Blaise himself looked relieved knowing that he will marry the always beautiful Slytherin Ice Queen, Daphne Greengrass.

Tracy Davies was currently snogging her future husband Goyle, who had no idea what was happening, and poor Luna Lovegood went to sit beside Crabbe, who also didn't have a clue to what was going on. As for Pansy, she was taking turns glaring at her own wedding announcement, and the new twenty year old muggle studies teacher.

Harry cast a desperate glance at his one remaining, and hopefully still sane friend, Neville Longbottom, but he was disappointed. Neville was currently on bended knee in front of a giggling and blushing Susan Bones. (Neville, after all, is always a gentleman, seeing as he is from a light family of purebloods.)

Harry scowled again and glanced up at the head table. Professor McGonagall was giggling and dabbing her eyes, while Dumbledore was smiling and grinning at all of the over rated, teenage, gushy, romance that was taking place around the great hall.

Harry felt like crying.

He didn't see the scowl on Ginny's face though. She was too young to take part in this new marriage law, so she was waiting somewhat patiently to see which unlucky girl she would have to kill…err…I mean…dispose of. After all, The-Boy-Who-Lived was hers damn it!

Harry whimpered slightly, summoned up all of his Gryffindor courage, opened his own wedding announcement, and promptly threw up his breakfast. He was so distracted that he didn't even notice that Fudge, who apparently had nothing better to do, walked in with Madam Umbridge, a team of Aurors, and a blushing Percy Weasley.

Percy immediately found his soon to be wife, Hannah Abbot, and settled down at the Hufflepuff table to listen to Fudge's announcement.

"Good morning students!" Fudge exclaimed happily, as he took in all of the rather disgusting and horrible public displays of affection. "I am so glad that you all are happy with the husbands and wives that we, the Ministry, have taken upon ourselves to choose for you. However, we know that not all of you are happy, and that some of you may be thinking about running away."

Everyone turned to look at Harry, simply because they just knew that Fudge was talking about him.

Harry however, was still too busy throwing up his breakfast and didn't even notice, but Fudge waited patiently for Harry to finish puking before he continued.

"Now, we realize that getting married young is a very scary thing, but after Professor Dumbledore's hissy fits, we think this is a wonderful opportunity for you to get to know your new spouse, before you start having children of your own. We know that You-Know-Who is back, so that is why we have delayed the 'having babies' mandate. If you are unhappy with the choice we have made for you, well then too bad, you're stuck with each other. Once young Mr. Potter is through with killing You-Know-Who, then you will have one year to conceive a child. If you don't, your wand will be snapped and you will be thrown into the muggle world, even though it is counterproductive to the goal we are trying to reach. If you try to run, we will find you, snap your wand, and throw you into Azkaban where you will be forced to have conjugal visits with your spouse anyway, to ensure a child is born. With that said, all marriages between students and some teachers, because we think that relationships between children and adults is so cool and romantic (end sarcasm), will be held this coming weekend. Does anyone have anything to say?" Fudge asked, looking around the room.

"Yeah, I do!" Harry shouted, after he finished vanishing his vomit.

"Hem, hem." Umbridge said in her infamous girly voice. "Mr. Potter, please sit down. No one wants to hear you complain."

"Shut up you old bitch!" Harry cried, causing several Professors to overreact at his choice of words. "I'm going to say what I have to say!"

Fudge sighed and rolled his eyes at the angry, angsty teen. "Very well Mr. Potter, you may proceed."

Harry glared around the room, took a deep breath, and began. "Ever since the night my parents died, exactly fifteen years ago, my life has been hell on earth. I was dumped on my magic hating muggle Aunt and Uncle's door step, and for ten years I was treated worse than a Malfoy family house elf. I was starved, abused, and shoved into a boot cupboard. If you don't believe me, check my first Hogwarts admission letter. It was addressed to Harry Potter, the cupboard under the stairs!" He cried, causing McGonagall to gasp loudly, and slap Professor Dumbledore upside the back of his head.

"I told you they were the worst sort of muggles!" She predictably screeched, which made Dumbledore bow his head in shame.

Harry rolled his eyes and continued. "They told me that my parents were drunks, and that they died in a car crash. I didn't even know my proper name until I started muggle school. I was called 'boy' or 'freak' up until then."

"What!?" Cried several random people, which caused Harry to nod.

"It's true." He said. "I didn't even know I was a wizard until Hagrid came to get me on my eleventh birthday. That's when I found out about magic." He added with a wistful smile. "I thought everything was grand at that time, that is, until I actually started at Hogwarts."

"What do you mean, my boy!?" Dumbledore cried, which earned him a scowl from Harry.

"First year, I had to save the school from Voldemort because he was possessing Professor Quirrell. I tried to get several teachers to help me, but they brushed me off." He added as he glared at a sheepish looking McGonagall. "That same year, I tried to help out a friend because he was doing something rather…illegal..." He said cautiously, as he very briefly glanced at Hagrid. "And for my trouble, several others and I were docked a massive amount of points and given detention. For the rest of the year, I was shunned by all of Gryffindor because of the stupid house cup. It wasn't until the very end of the year, after I almost died because of Voldemort that I was claimed a hero again when Professor Dumbledore gave out last minute points."

"But you did really well Harry." Dumbledore said as he beamed with pride.

"Whatever." Harry replied as he rolled his eyes. "After that I was sent back to my magic hating muggle relatives for the summer, where I was locked in my room, and all of my school things, including my wand and books, were promptly locked up in the cupboard I once called home. It wasn't until after my first letter that they finally moved me into my fat cousin's second bedroom." He added dryly, which caused everyone to gasp appropriately. "Hedwig and I were starved that year, because my Aunt cut a hole just big enough in the door to shove scraps of food into." He said, not bothering about the cat flap because he didn't feel like explaining what it was. "Then they locked Hedwig in her cage, and placed bars on my window to keep me from escaping. They were dead set about me not coming back here and were determined to keep their house elf, which was me."

"Lies!" Screamed Umbridge.

"Oh shut up you hag!" Harry shouted as he glared furiously at her. "I'm not lying. In fact, I plan to swear a clichéd oath after I'm done, proving everything that I have said is true!"

"Very well then Mr. Potter." She huffed.

"Anyway, as I was saying." He continued. "A house elf showed up in my bedroom to warn me of 'terrible things' that were going to happen at Hogwarts that upcoming year. When I refused to promise not to go back, the elf used the hover charm to drop a dessert on the head of a muggle business client of my Uncle's. This caused the Ministry to send me a warning about underage magic and I got in trouble with my Aunt and Uncle, who took great pleasure in making my life even worse."

"So it wasn't you who did the hover charm?" Fudge asked in disbelief.

"No." Harry said coldly. "After several days of ever increasing hunger, Fred, George, and Ron came to rescue me in their father's flying car. They jerked the bars off my window and I escaped. I spent the rest of the summer at their house, and everything was fine after that, until it was time to board the train." He said, stopping to take a sip of pumpkin juice. "That same house elf made the barrier on the platform solid, and Ron and I couldn't get through. We made a mistake, at the age of twelve, and decided to steal the flying car and come to Hogwarts in it. That's when Snape tried to expel us, but Professor Dumbledore wouldn't allow it."

"I was doing things properly Potter, and you'll show me some respect!"

"Respect is earned, not given! You hated my father, which makes you hate me because I look like him you big, overgrown bat!"

"Don't insult my husband Harry!" Hermione yelled, but Harry chose to ignore her.

"As I was saying, that year was terrible. Between Lockhart, excitable elves, and a basilisk running around, I thought I was going to go crazy. I was hearing voices in the walls, which I later figured out was the basilisk, and after the Chamber of Secrets was opened and my Parseltongue ability was known, I was vilified as the Heir of Slytherin and shunned by the entire school! Not once did any of our esteemed Professors come to my aid and tell you idiots that it wasn't me. According to Ernie Macmillian, I was the next Dark Lord. You all are so very stupid." Harry said as he shook his head, but then he laughed. "Ernie was spreading the rumor that Voldemort came after me when I was a baby because even at the age of one and a half, I was considered his competition as the top Dark Lord."

Everyone glared at a red faced Ernie, but Harry scowled. "Don't glare at him, you all believed him! You're nothing but a bunch of stupid idiot sheep!" He shouted, but then he took a deep breath and continued. "At the end of the year, Ginny was taken into the Chamber and it was up to Ron and me to save her. We tried to get Lockhart to help us, but he like all the Defense Professors, except Remus, he was useless."

"How dare you!" Umbridge yelled, but Harry ignored her.

"Ron and I found the entrance to the Chamber, and I once again came face to face with Voldemort." He said, not feeling like going into details. "I fought and killed the sixty foot basilisk, and if you don't believe me, you can go look at it because Professor Dumbledore knows exactly where the Chamber entrance is. He also, according to J.K. Rowling, understands Parseltongue, so he can probably mimic it well enough to open the chamber up." He added, causing everyone to gasp again. "He could have helped me greatly that year, but he chose not to because he wanted to test me and my abilities."

"But Harry my boy…"

"Stow it Dumbledore!" Harry said with an icy cold glare. "I don't want to listen to you. Anyway, I defeated Voldemort again and was once again, after being shunned the whole year, hailed a hero."

"I love you Harry!" Ginny yelled, causing Harry to roll his eyes and shudder violently.

"Anyway, I pleaded with Dumbledore not to send me back to my Aunt and Uncles house, but he ignored my request. I had to endure another summer of back breaking work, starvation, and abuse. My third year was sort of ok, because Sirius turned out not to be a mass murder, but the dementors were awful." He said, causing everyone who remembered them to shudder. "I don't know about you all, but they make me relive the night my parents died. I remember my dad screaming at my mother to take me and run, then I remember my mother pleading for my life before Voldemort laughed and killed her. It isn't very pleasant." He said, as everyone paled and gulped loudly. "For a brief moment when Sirius and I spoke that year, I was hopeful that I wouldn't have to go back to my Aunt and Uncle's, because he asked me if I wanted to live with him. I eagerly told him yes, but it was all ruined because Snape still holds a school boy grudge against him and my father. You are very pathetic you know." He said, glaring at the man.

Snape scowled at him, while Hermione started yelling again, but Harry ignored her.

"I don't think I really need to go into forth year, because you all know what happened. However, I will say that you all are pretty stupid if you think I willingly chose to participate in that bloody tournament. I was labeled a cheat, and once again, all of you shunned me. At the end, I saw Cedric get killed on Voldemort's orders, then I was forcibly used in a very dark ritual that caused him to regain his body. I was once again labeled a hero, until Fudge started a campaign against me." He said sadly. "After that, I was once again shunted off to my relatives' house, where I had no one to talk to. The Headmaster, in all of his stupidity, thought it was best to keep me in the dark. I cannot begin to tell you how pissed off and angry I was, and still am, about that."

"Harry I thought it was for the best!" Dumbledore cried.

"You're an idiot and out of touch with reality!" Harry snapped, causing everyone to gasp. "I was fourteen years old and watched someone get murdered right before my eyes. I was used in that ritual, and I was traumatized!" He shouted.

Dumbledore's mouth opened and closed several times, but nothing was said so Harry continued.

"That summer I was attacked by two dementors, who by the way were sent by our 'esteemed' former 'Defense' Professor Madam Umbridge, and I was hauled in front of the Wizengamot to face a hearing because I protected myself and cousin. Who, I might add, already knows about magic!" Harry shouted as he glared furiously at Fudge, who had the good common sense to look sheepish.

"Lies, lies! I did not do it!" Umbridge cried, as the Aurors glared at her.

"Clichéd oath." Harry said in a sing song voice that caused her to snap her mouth shut. "As I was saying. After I was cleared, the summer was a little better because I got to spend time with Sirius, who I grew to love dearly, but then came time to head back to school." Harry said with a sigh. "Mind you, before that I could have had a grand old time with Sirius, but obviously the Headmaster, who at the time knew Sirius was innocent, was too busy to get him a trial using veritaserum. You were the Chief Warlock, were you not?" Harry snapped. "At least my life would have been easier then, but you didn't care because all you cared about was your weapon! You wanted me to be pliable and moldable so I could fulfill some stupid prophecy! You didn't want me to look to anyone else for advice, only you!"

"Harry, I'm so sorry." Dumbledore said as a tear slipped down his cheek.

"Oh shut up. I hate you." Harry said, turning his back on his former mentor. "That year, which was my fifth year, I was called a liar, an attention seeking brat, and once again I was vilified by not just the school, but by the whole wizarding world! I was given detention, after detention, after detention, where I was forced to use a blood quill to carve the phrase 'I must not tell lies' into the back of my hand, because Umbridge wished me to suffer."

"WHAT!?" Bellowed several Aurors and Professors.

"I have the proof right here!" Harry cried, holding up his hand to show off the scar. "I will say though, that it wasn't just me. There are several of us who were forced to use the blood quill."

Umbridge whimpered as she looked around, but she caught sight of Fudge, who was furiously scowling at her.

"Take her into custody!" He snapped.

She tried to protest, but the Aurors put her in a body bind and carted her off as Harry burst out laughing.

"That was even better than watching Peeves smack her with a walking stick." He snorted.

Everyone laughed at that, but Harry took another sip of his pumpkin juice and plowed on.

"That wasn't all that happened last year. I was forced to take Occlumency lessons with Snape, and if anyone knows how we feel about each other, you can already guess how that went!" He said sarcastically. "My lessons consisted of Snape shouting 'clear your mind' before casting legilimency and diving into my mind. That's it, nothing else. I didn't really understand how to clear my mind, and he called me stupid and lazy because I didn't know what exactly to do. Oh and by the way, there are no books in the library on how to succeed at occlumency, because I looked! Suffice to say, I was basically mind raped by my Professor, who took great pleasure at sneering and laughing about the way my Aunt and Uncle treated me."

Dumbledore glared at Snape, who scowled and shuffled around in his seat.

"Anyway, I had splitting headaches all last year because of Voldemort, Snape, and Umbridge, and to make matters worse, I was ignored by the Headmaster and brushed off again by my Head of House. And people wonder why I have a hard time trusting adults." He scoffed. "Needless to say, by the end of the year I was at my wits end, so when I received…word…that Sirius had been captured by Voldemort and was being tortured in the Department of Mysteries, some friends and I hauled ass to his rescue. He was my Godfather, and the only family I had left. It turned out to be a trap set by Voldemort because he was trying to get the prophecy that pertained to him and me. I wouldn't have gone, if there had been a proper adult around, but they had either fled the school, or been taken to St. Mungo's, and there was no one left to help me. Well I don't need to go into what happened that night, but suffice to say that for the second time in two years, I watched someone get murdered." He said as he shook his head sadly, but then he took a deep breath and continued.

"It was only after Fudge unstuck his head from his arse, and proclaimed what Dumbledore and I had been saying all along was the truth, that once again, I was hailed the hero." He said sarcastically. "I would also like to state for the record, that I also wouldn't have gone into the Department of Mysteries if someone, namely the Headmaster, HAD STOPPED KEEPING ME IN THE FUCKING DARK!" He screamed, causing several people to jump. "But by the time the Headmaster saw fit to clue me in, it was too bloody fucking late." Harry said as he gritted his teeth. "But what did he do after that? YEP! You fucking guessed it! He sent me back to my damned relatives' house without a care in the world, and there I sat until he saw fit to use me to lure Professor Slughorn back to teach. Then, it gets even better. THEN THE FUCKING STUPID MINISTRY PASSES THIS FUCKING MARRIAGE LAW!" He bellowed, causing more than a few people to wince.

Then he took out his wand and swore a very detailed and clichéd oath stating that everything he said was true. People all over the great hall gasped and paled, as Dumbledore shook his head sadly. Then everyone waited to see what Harry was going to do next.

"So what happens now?" A random Ravenclaw asked curiously, but then cowered in fear when Harry glared at them.

"What happens now is I up and fucking leave."

"You can't Harry!" Dumbledore shouted frantically, at the same time Fudge cried, "You'll be thrown in Azkaban!"

Harry glared at them. "I have no reason to stay. The wizarding world holds nothing for me, and I'll take my chances on running away. The sorting hat wanted to put me in Slytherin, so I'm using my Slytherin traits and implementing my 'self-preservation' instincts." He said, as everyone stared at him in shock. "All of my family is dead. I can't trust anyone, and everyone treats me like a disease one minute and a hero the next. I'm fucking tired of it. You all have given me absolutely no reason to stay. So I say goodbye to you all, and may you all get off your fucking arses and kill Voldemort your damned selves. Stop looking towards a teenager to do your shit for you! That's it, I'm done."

And with that, Harry James Potter took his wand, and using the edge of the table, snapped it half. He chucked the blasted pieces towards Dumbledore's head, then turned to Fudge.

"And I am not fucking marrying that pug faced, hateful, self-centered, bitch Pansy Parkinson!"

He stood there for a moment as he seethed and glared at everyone, then in a loud clear voice he cried, "Activate!"

Remember Harry's secret plan that I mentioned?

The whole great hall was left in chaos, but Harry had used his portkey to quickly get to his dorm room. Don't ask how, why, when, or where he learned to make one, just know that he did.

After sitting heavily on his bed for a moment, he quickly called for Dobby, his only trusted friend.

"Yes sir, Mr. Harry Potter sir! You called for Dobby!?" The excitable elf cried.

"Yeah." Harry said with a grunt, as he hoisted his trunk onto his bed. "It's time to start Plan A."

"Alright Mr. Harry Potter sir! Dobby be getting everything packed for you." And with a snap of his fingers, Dobby had all of Harry's stuff packed in his trunk.

"Thanks Dobby, you're a life saver." Harry grinned, as he pulled his untraceable wand out of his back pocket.

(Don't ask questions! You don't need to know, how, where, or when he got one, just know that he did!)

"Are you ready Mr. Harry Potter sir?" Dobby asked.

"Let's go Dobby."

"Yes sir!"

After Dobby popped Harry out of Hogwarts, they went to a small cottage in the middle of nowhere. Harry had managed to buy this cottage on his clichéd summer shopping spree, after he found out about all of Dumbledore's manipulations from a letter Sirius left him. (Did I mention that he did that? No? Well don't ask questions!)

He found out during his clichéd trip to Gringotts that he was related to Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Merlin, Morgana, and the giant squid. However, seeing as how Gringotts wasn't even around when the above mentioned people were alive, Harry didn't walk away with anything more than a ridiculously long name. The poor giant squid didn't have anything worth mentioning, seeing as he is just an animal.

Not having a lot of money wasn't about to deter Harry though. He used a bit of money from his one and only vault, and managed to buy the cheap small cottage with the help of the super friendly goblins. They were really helpful simply because Harry was nice and polite to them, and that he managed to learn a few words of Gobbledygook. (Even though they are a warrior race of beings that don't trust, and hate wizards with a passion. Harry's actions never even caused them to become suspicious about his motives.) They gave him fake I.D.'s and transferred all his money into a muggle bank account. They were upset and vengeful that this wizard dared to take all of his money out of their bank, but despite all that, they were willing to help the poor lad out.

Anyway, Harry breathed a small sigh of relief and settled down into a life in the country. He was perfectly safe, seeing as the super helpful and friendly goblins put massively strong wards around his property, and were kind enough to place a Fidelius Charm over his cottage, with himself as the secret keeper. All of this was done…for a fee of course.

Harry and Dobby were happy as clams for a while, but during the next few months Voldemort gained in strength and numbers. Dumbledore, Remus, and the rest of the Order tried their best to find Harry, but all their actions failed because Harry was smarter than all of them. Remus cried because he missed Harry, and the werewolf in him just couldn't bear the thought of losing his 'cub'. (Despite the fact that Remus never considered Harry anything more than a student, and later, a friend in canon.)

The entire wizarding world was terrified by the very thought of Voldemort, so they ran around like chicken with their heads cut off. They forgot that they knew magic and didn't defend themselves, seeing as no one was telling them how to do so.

Harry, who still had a subscription to the Daily Prophet, (under a fake name of course, despite the fact that this would surely confuse the poor owl, but HEY! It's magic!), learned a lot over the next few months. He found out that Dumbledore died because he had a cursed hand, Fudge was killed, Umbridge became a Death Eater, and the death toll began.

After three months of wedded bliss, Snape finally came to his senses and realized that he married a student, and in true in character (per the sixth book) fashion, he gave his wife over to the Dark Lord because she was a mudblood.

He was a Slytherin after all and he knew about self-preservation.

Hermione, who became a Mary Sue, managed to gain Voldemort's trust and love, but in the end she fell victim to her own Mary Sue tendencies and was killed by Voldemort, after her Mary Sue charm wore off.

Draco was proven a Death Eater, so he killed his hot, twenty year old, mudblood wife before he even shagged her.

It was chocked up to an accident after Voldemort took over the Ministry.

Ron and Lavender were killed during the summer before seventh year, because they were too busy snogging to care about some silly old war, while Fred, George, and their brilliant prankster Mary Sue wives held out for a bit longer. They were eventually killed a few months later when Death Eaters blew up their joke shop.

Death Eaters attacked Longbottom Manor, and Neville and his Gran unfortunately joined Neville's parents in St. Mungo's, while Susan went the way of her Aunt.

Crabbe eventually killed Luna when he became a Death Eater, and right after that, he killed his father-in-law. Tracy and Goyle became Death Eaters, so they ended up quite happy, while Blaise and Daphne fled the country, because everyone knows they are always neutral and innocent of everything. (Despite the fact that Blaise hated muggle borns and believed in the pure blood way of life.)

Percy and Hannah were sadly killed in a Death Eater raid while visiting Hogsmeade one day.

Through it all, Harry just scoffed and shook his head. He couldn't be bothered by any of it. It severed them right for looking to an angsty, angry, abused, neglected teenager to solve their problems for them.

Voldemort, for his part, was very gleeful at the disappearance of Harry and the death of Dumbledore, so he started to care less and less about Harry as the years wore on.

Three years after he fled the wizarding world, Harry got up one morning to see a horde of Death Eaters camping out in the country side that surrounded his house, so he called Dobby to him once again.

"Yes sir, Mr. Harry Potter sir!?" Dobby asked as he jumped around Harry's feet.

"Time to enact Plan B." Harry said simply.

"Right!" Dobby exclaimed, and with snap of his fingers, Dobby, Harry, the small cottage, and the wards surrounding them popped away to a little town called Nome, Alaska.

(Don't ask questions! Don't you know house elves have unlimited power!)

Anyway, it was here where Harry really flourished in safety. He left his house a lot more often and became enamored with the small town. He quickly learned that he was living on top of a true, honest to Merlin gold mine, so he took it upon himself to learn how to simply summon the gold off of the Bering Sea's rocky, sandy bottom.

He made a fortune!

He sold some of his gold to local muggle merchants, where he learned the true value of a hard earned American dollar, and he sold some of the raw gold to the goblins who ran America's branch of Gringotts. They, just like their British cousins, were super friendly and helpful simply because Harry was nice and polite to them.

Because of Harry's good luck at picking such a great town, he never had to worry about money again.

After a few years of living in Nome, Harry caught wind of the devastation in Britain. Apparently the muggle's became tired of Voldemort and his terrible ways, so the muggle government started working with a rag tag group known as the Order of the Phoenix.

They located Voldemort's hideout…and nuked that son of a bitch.

Incidentally, Voldemort had grown so comfortable because of Harry's disappearance that he collected all of his horcruxes, and kept them with him in his hideout. When the nuke hit, it incinerated them with fire much hotter and much more dangerous than fiendfyre.

Needless to say, they were no more.

The Death Eaters grew scared of what the muggle government was capable of, so they all fled into the mountains, where they were promptly killed by their 'allies'…the giants.

Peace reigned in Britain for nearly thirty years after that, but somehow, someway, Voldemort returned, and the process was repeated.

Yes, the muggle government nuked his arse again.

During this time Harry was still living safely in Nome, and couldn't be bothered about the British wizarding world any longer, so he kept right on living his very single and happy life.

Voldemort returned three more times after that, and each time he returned…he was blown up again.

One would think he would learn his lesson, but nooooo, he was just too damn thickheaded!

Harry finally died at the age of one hundred and thirty, a peaceful, happy, single man, and when that happened, Voldemort was never heard from again. The severely decimated British wizarding world eventually came out of their hidey holes in the ground, and began to live their lives once more.

Never again did they look to a child to save them, instead, they looked towards the muggle government to tell them what to do. Even after all that they had been through, they still remained sheep and never learned their lesson.

Well, I take that back, they did learn one lesson.

They never again passed a Marriage Law, simply because it caused so much terrible destruction.

The End.

*A/N* Let the flames begin! I know I stepped on more than a few toes with my sarcasm, but that's ok, Iv'e done the cliches too! Hope you all enjoyed this little fic, and please be kind enough to leave a review! Thanks everyone!