There have been so many great ideas thrown my way that I had a hard time choosing. The winner of this very disgusting subject matter is brought to you by one of my besties/beta, T.

Hope this chapter brings smiles and a few laughs. If not I'll direct you her way ;)

Beta/bestie Words: She should know that this girl is dirty and nasty, so it's her own fault for hanging out with me! But I'm kinda glad she does!

^^^ I wouldn't have it any other way! xo

And thank you for the AMAZING and FUNNY reviews. Some of you have given me TMI, but I love it so much. HA! I know more about some of you than I ever expected I would, but I feel strangely privileged you wanted to share.

SHARING IS CARING, right? O_o

The Misfortunes of Edward Cullen

Chapter 3 –Oh Bloody Hell

I'm stuck in Home Economics class because dumb asses Jasper and Emmett said they had signed up for the class, and it would be fun for us all to be together.

Guess what?

The fuckers lie.

They love playing jokes, and his time I was the butt of one. As luck would have it, I'm only one of two guys in the classroom: me, and Royce King, or Chef King as he likes to be called—also known as Chef Douche Bag to me.

Royce announced on the first day of class that he plans to attend culinary school after graduation. So, this class makes total sense for him but definitely not for me, someone who would rather play sports than worry about cooking a whole chicken and a fucking Bundt cake for dessert.

He's a complete suck-up to the teacher, also known as Tits. He's either doing everything right, or he's tittie fucking her in the pantry after school. I hate to admit that it's probably both.

Being in Home Ec does allow me to hear all the latest gossip. It's funny and very informative, and it's the only thing that comes close to redeeming this disaster. Just today while I'm cleaning up my kitchenette station and waiting for my apple pie to finish baking, I listen to the girls sitting at the round table chatting as they answer their apple pie questionnaires.

Today's topic: Homecoming.

Bella and Rose talk shoes while Alice and Angela talk dresses. Eventually, they all chime in about their hair and nail appointments scheduled this coming Saturday. Bella, Rose, and a few others have been nominated for Queen while Jasper, Emmett, and I, along with a few others guys, are in the running for King. Everyone is making a big deal out of something that I could not care less about. It's not like the title of King and Queen will mean anything. No one is going to bow down at anyone's feet and obey rules and shit set forth by some fictitious hierarchy. No one gets to make one damn rule, so what's the point of voting for a King and Queen anyway? I don't get it. The titles are powerless; it's all about the notoriety of it all. I'm already the star basketball player and have been since freshman year, and that's enough for me.

"Wouldn't it be cute if you and Edward were voted King and Queen?" Alice asks. She wasn't nominated, and I'm sure it's because she's always been a quiet, keep-to-yourself-kind of girl. I wonder if the majority of our high school even knows she exists.

Bella smiles, and I can't help at that moment but to wish the votes sway in our favor when I hear her answer.

"Edward is my King no matter what, but yeah, it would be kind of amazing."

"Hey, what about me and Em?" Rose complains.

Alice teases. "A crown wouldn't fit on Emmett's big head."

"He does have a big head if you know what I mean." Rose smirks, waggling her brows.

In unison, the table echoes with ews, and I laugh-out-loud which draws their attention my way.

"Don't look at me!" I throw my palms up in surrender. "I'm not confirming or denying Rose's accusation," I say, smirking because I've been in the locker room with Em, and just because he's a big guy, doesn't mean he's big everywhere, if you know what I mean, but I'm not bursting anyone's bubble and risking the wrath of Emmett McCarty. Maybe, just maybe, he's a grower. I hope so for Rose's sake. Just sayin'.

"Anyway ...," Bella says to keep the conversation going. "I think it would be adorable for you two to win." She gives Rose a side-hug from her chair.

"Thanks." Rose smiles, and the conversation instantly veers off to a topic that has me cringing: periods.

Evidently, three of the four girls will be on their and (I quote) cycles soon.

I turn my back, cover my ears and hum a Meghan Trainor song— 'cause that shit's addicting—before another word on the topic makes my eardrums shrivel up along with my dick.

I'm almost positive the girls deliberately bring up less than appropriate subjects on purpose. It's a sure-fire way to get me to ask for a pass to the restroom or clean chalkboard erasers because anything is better than listening to anyone talk about those issues.

I'm saved by the bell when the timer on the oven chimes. I pull out the perfect pie and set it on the cooling rack before speed walking to the teacher's desk, asking to be excused.

"It's the fourth time this week you've asked to leave the room. Do you have a problem with your bladder, Mr. Cullen?"

"No, ma'am. I uh … yes, actually I do." I nod my head and fold my arms across my chest. I fidget pretending I'm about to pee my pants.

The teacher raises her eyebrow in question but finishes signing the pink slip. Before handing the paper to me, she says, "Home Ec isn't for boys, Edward. It's for real men like Royce over there. If you can't take the heat then get out of the kitchen."

I mask my laugh with a cough.

"That's what I'm doing," I mumble under my breath.

She's tasted my food. She knows I'm a damn good cook, but all I can say is yes, ma'am instead of telling her I'm not versed on the topic of menstruation nor do I want to be.

I take my time moseying to the boy's restroom—on the other side of the school—wasting as much time as I can. I figure if I give the girls some space, by the time I get back, my dessert will be somewhat cooled and ready to serve. My plan is to offer big slices to them so they shut their pie holes.

.

.

.

Saturday arrives, and Bella forewarns me she has cramps and really doesn't feel like going to the dance. It's no big deal to me, but I dropped some coin on a fly-as-hell tux, and I think we should at least make an appearance.

"Just one dance, Sweet Cheeks?"

"All right, but I feel like poo."

"I'll Google home remedies for cramps and get back with you."

Through her moans and sweet thank-yous, she agrees.

I sit in front of my computer and type in 'remedies for cramps'. The first thing that catches my eye is Menstrual Cramps: 6 Home Remedies. There are six: exercise, heat, chamomile tea, making sure you're getting enough vitamin D, and then my heart stops when I see number five.

I jump from my computer chair, sending it skidding across the wood floor with a screech until it crashes against my wall. My arm waves above my head in an extravagant fist pump, and I'm doing the Dougie.

Holy fucking shit, this is a man's wet dream, and it totally has to work.

The internet doesn't lie, right? And number five is telling me having an orgasm will help!

My dick does the happy dance, twitching and pulsating in my Batman boxers.

I disregard number six because I don't fuck with needles; acupuncture isn't my thing.

I run to the bathroom and take care of business: shit, shower and shave.

In less than thirty minutes, I'm out the door wearing a black tux with a red bow tie. Bella's corsage box is gripped in one hand, and I'm stuffing my wallet in the inside breast pocket of my tux with the other. I feel debonair-as-fuck until I trip. The toe of my shoe catches in a crack in the driveway, and I'm fighting to get traction with the other foot to right myself, but the plastic-bottom shoes are hopeless, and I'm flailing in the air.

I'm the starter piece of an intricate domino puzzle, catapulting toward the ground.

Bella's flowers sail out of my hand, hitting the ground first. My face is next, landing smack dab on the plastic box, sending the red and white buds shooting out from their safe haven like a rocket. At least my handsome mug has been saved from road rash by the clam shell container, but my palms are scratched and slightly bloody. In less than a second, I pop back up on my feet like I've just stuck a gold-medal landing in the Olympics. Shaking away the pain, I pick a few pieces of sandy grit from my skin before quickly sliding my Ray Bans on my face. I swagger past the crushed flowers and pimp-walk the rest of my way to my Volvo.

I'll get Bella flowers another time.

I plan on making a pit stop at Walmart for supplies before I pick up my sexy date. I had made a mental list back at home while surfing the web, so this should be an in-and-out trip. It pains me to see Bella this way, in pain, and I'll to do whatever it takes to make her feel better because I know all about cramps—I get them on occasion when I play basketball—although mine are in my legs and not my lady parts.

FYI—Not that I have lady parts, but I sure can sympathize.

I nod at the eighty-year-old-grandpa-greeter when he salutes me as I enter the land of Made in the USA. First and foremost, I dash to the condom aisle and pick up a box of Trojans, the ones sitting next to the stout box of Magnums—even the box is cocky. Junior is a tad jealous until I grab him and give him a gentle apologetic squeeze.

And then like that, we're cool again.

I take off like a man on a mission because truly I am. The dairy department is halfway across the store from the rubbers but I'm quick as lightening. In thirty-five seconds, I'm sliding into the yogurt section like a baseball player sliding into home.

There's no doubt that I'll be MVP tonight with as many homeruns as I plan on scoring.

I grab a gallon of chocolate milk because vitamin D, duh, and take off for the tea aisle. I skip getting a heating pad, figuring number two will be remedied by us taking a hot bath in the hotel room I've rented.

After number five on the remedy list, the multiple O's I've gifted to Bella, and number two, apply heat, the dual purpose hot bath will clean off the jizz on my dick and sooth her achy muscles.

The speedy checkout lane is available, so I place my items on the conveyor, and Lord, love-a-duck, those stupid last-minute purchase items get me every-damn-time. I toss a pack of gum, a bag of Corn Nuts, dental floss, a lighter, a bag of M&M's, hand sanitizer, a mini package of Kleenex tissues, a King Sized Hershey bar with almonds, a trial size container of Nutella, an As Seen on TV Perfect Bacon Bowl and the latest copy of Star magazine—because I need to know all about Kim Kardashian's devastating STD she contracted over her holiday in St. Croix.

A tired, scratchy voice brings me out of my last minute buying spree.

"I'm sorry, kiddie, but you have too many items for this lane," a grey-haired lady named Shelly says. Her smock is decorated with award buttons for the great service she supposedly gives. She pops a piece of gum between the few teeth she still has in her mouth. "You'll have to move to lane four."

"Ma'am, please. I'm in a hurry. My girl has cramps, and I'm going to be late." I motion to my face with Vanna White hands. "I fell on my face, and thank God this didn't get messed the fuc—"

She cuts me off."Fine. I won't tell if you won't. I have two grown children living with me and a couple of grandkids." She shakes her head and reaches for the box of condoms. "I need this job."

"Swear. Your secret is safe with me."

I'm sacking my own crap and then swipe my debit card before the Walmartpolice catch us for disobeying the twelve-items-or-less sign. Shelly, grandma-checker, winks and hands me my receipt.

"Later." I wave over my shoulder and salute the old dude as I leave.

.

.

.

Red looks great on Bella. I can't take my eyes off her dress—or her boobs practically spilling out of the strapless number she's wearing. To my horror, Chief catches me eye-fucking his daughter, so I pretend there's a piece of lint and reach for the imaginary fuzz in hopes he doesn't realize I'm a total perv.

I think he knows though because he's rubbing his mustache with his thumb and forefinger in very premeditated way, like he's plotting my demise. Bella puts her arms around Charlie, bringing him out of his death stare.

"You two have a good time but not too good." He looks me dead in my eyes. "You hear?"

"Yes, sir. We plan on having a wonderful time at the dance."

I'm suddenly nervous; my palms slicken with sweat and they burn like a mofo.

"We will, Dad. I'm spending the night with the girls, remember? See you in the morning."

Bella gives him a peck on the cheek, leaving a red stain. A perverted piece of me hopes she leaves a red stain on Junior tonight.

I escort Bella to my car like a perfect gentleman, opening the door and waiting until she's safely inside. Chief peers out the front door, and I feel like the old dude from Walmart when I salute him from the driveway.

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.

.

The dance is lame. Jasper and Rose win Homecoming King and Queen, so Alice and Emmett dance like fools off to the side while Rose and Jasper fulfill the requirement of the first dance together.

As promised, Bella and I dance once and then leave our friends in favor of our hotel room. I feel bad because although I would have liked to try the remedies on Bella before the dance, there was no way we would have ended up at the school at all had we gone to the hotel first.

Bella rubs at her back and grimaces, so I scoop her up and into my arms and cradle her to my chest. Her shoes dangle from her fingers, and she lays her head on my shoulder.

"You okay?"

"No, I hurt."

"No worries, Sweet Cheeks. I got you."

I had dropped the goodies off at the hotel before picking Bella up this evening, so everything is ready to go once we arrive.

I get right to work once the key twists in the lock of our hotel room door.

"So, I checked the internet like I said I would." I walk over to the bed where Bella is standing.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I say as my fingertips lightly graze the skin on her delicate shoulder, trailing down her arm.

"And." Her breath is shallow as my fingers tickle her arm.

"Instead of telling, I'll show you." My arm wraps around her waist, and my free hand finds the zipper on her red dress. I kiss at her neck, and she hums.

Once the dress is unzipped and sliding off Bella's slender body, I take her hand and help her step out. I notice her panties aren't the usual thongs, and I wonder why she opted for a more full coverage pair of underwear but brush it off.

"Babe, I think I just need to lie down," she says.

"Funny, but that's part of my plan. Would you like a glass of chocolate milk first?"

Bella brows pinch together. "Um, no, I'm fine, thank you."

"But Sweet Cheeks, it's part of the remedy." I stand and walk toward the mini fridge.

"Are you having some?" she asks.

"Yeah, I love chocolate milk."

"All right then." I glance back at Bella, and she's now curled up on one of the down pillows and under the covers with them pulled to her neck.

"Here." I offer her a plastic cup of milk, and she reaches for it as she sits up against the headboard.

"This is supposed to help with cramps?"

I nod. "And a few other things." I snicker to myself. Maybe after the milk eases some of her symptoms, she'll be ready for the orgasms I have planned.

Bella must have been thirsty because she gulps down her milk in nothing flat. "Want another?" I ask.

"I'm good."

"All righty then." I set our cups on the stand next to the bed and snuggle into Bella, kissing her neck and bare back. I let my fingers roam her side and thigh, and she wiggles her ass into my already hardened dick.

"You know we can't do anything, right?" Bella says.

"That's not what I read on Periods dot com."

"Well, Periods dot com doesn't know how heavy of a flow I have either."

"Flow?"

"Yes, flow."

"Oh, um. I guess I didn't think about that, but I don't care, Sweet Cheeks. I'm willing to do anything to make you feel better."

"How is sex supposed to make me feel better?"

"It's the orgasm that has the healing power."

Bella rolls my direction. "Really?"

"I wouldn't lie to you."

"Are you sure you want to attempt riding the red pony?"

The visual she just paints is weird. I imagine a red horse galloping and then sprinting at full speed down a race track, so I nod.

"Okay, then. Let me go to the bathroom first." Bella seems to have become shy. "I just need to …" She bites her bottom lip. "Take my tampon out."

"We could go all Fifty Shades of Grey." I haven't read the book, but I've heard talk in the locker room about how Mr. Grey pulls a bloodied tampon out of a pussy. I'm pretty sure it would gross me out, but I offer none-the-less.

Bella smiles and puts her hand up to her mouth to stifle a laugh. "I'm no Ana. I can handle that on my own, Mr. Cullen." She winks, and I thank God for her declining my offer. Shivers.

While Bella is in the bathroom taking care of business, I get my remedy arsenal ready. I heat water for her tea using the coffeepot and then line up five condoms on the bedside table. I strip out of my tux and crawl back in bed, then reach for my phone to set the mood with some Barry White while waiting for Bella to return to me.

Once she is back in bed, I immediately take her panties off. No sense in delaying what's coming. I want her better, and this is the remedy. "Captain Cullen to the rescue!" I chant,making a giant show of opening condom number one and rolling it on my dick.

This isn't the first time Bella and I have had sex, but it is the first time we've been in a hotel room and the first time I'll be diving into the Red Sea. I'm trying to be smooth and shit, but when I lean over to kiss her, we bump heads, hard.

"Ouch!" Bella rubs her forehead.

"Shit!" I rub at mine. "Fuck, I'm sorry, Sweet Cheeks."

"It's okay. Now I'm focused on the pain in my head. Looks like your plan worked."

She's still rubbing her head, so I jump up from the bed and grab one of the socks I had worn tonight, filling it with some ice from the ice bucket.

"Here." I crawl back on the bed. The condom covering my dick is now hanging off the tip because I've managed to deflate Junior while I clumsily tried to mount my girl. It's an ugly sight. "Use this." I hold my ice-filled sock out to her.

"Really? Gross."

"It's all I have." I sit back on my heels, watching Bella pull the covers even higher around her neck. Before we bonked heads, I was at least able to see her tits. Nice move, Cullen. "Wait. I have an idea."

I eye the condoms and figure at this rate, I'll be lucky to be able to stick it in Bella once, much less five, so I hurry and rip open another package and put it to my mouth, blowing into it so it's at its full capacity. I perform some sort of nameless gymnastic move as I catapult myself off the bed and toward the ice bucket again. I hear snickers from behind me, and I'm happy I'm entertaining Bella. I stuff about twenty small cubes of ice into the condom, leaving myself enough room to tie it off. To add to the entertainment factor, I run and flip onto the bed, and I have to say I'm pretty impressed with my abilities, seeing as I end up with my head in the center of my own pillow.

"Here." I raise the frozen rubber to Bella's forehead and between her giggles and ahs, I know I've done something right.

"Feels good."

We lay next to each other, me holding the cold, dick-shaped compress for her, and I tell her to relax. At one point, I think she's dozed off, so I take it off and notice a nice red burn from the ice, marring her forehead. Holy shiz. How is she going to explain a dick print on her face?

"I'm not asleep."

"Does your head feel better?"

She nods, so I take that as my mounting cue. I stroke my dick several times, and it doesn't take long for Junior to stand at attention. The whole time Bella is watching me jack off, and I'm not even the least bit embarrassed because I get to stick it in soon. I rip open another condom package and quickly slide it on my dick.

"I promise this is going to feel so good."

"It can't feel any worse than I do at the moment."

"I'll be gentle." I pull the covers back and slide underneath. Bella opens her legs and I situate myself between them. I should have thought about the aftermath, and grabbed some towels, but I was mostly just thinking of my dick and Bella's cramps.

"Okay," she whispers in my ear as I line myself up at her entrance. I push in slowly, not wanting to cause her anymore pain. "Oh," she gasps.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. It feels so good."

I continue the slow slide into my girl as her legs wrap around my waist.

"More." Bella grabs at my ass and pulls me in even farther. I do as she wants and pump in and out, first with a slow rhythm, but she's begging for more, so I go for the gusto.

The sounds are like nothing I've ever heard before. Our bodies are loud as they slap together, and her pussy is even more slick and juicy than normal. I wonder why I hadn't thought about period sex before—it's amazing! Thanks periods dot com!

"Oh, yeah."

"You like this, Sweet Cheeks?"

"Yes." Her acknowledgement is drawn out, and she sounds like a snake. It's fucking hot.

With Barry White egging us on in the background, we are two gyrating, heavy-breathing sex machines.

I grip Bella's ass when she utters, "I'm close."

"O … kay." I'm out of breath. This is comparable to the basketball warm-up Coach puts us through at practice.

"Don't stop."

I'm not stopping, so help me, God, I. Am. Not. Stopping.

Another snakey sounding yes echoes in the room, and I feel her pulsating around my dick. I don't stop until I've filled the condom which is only a few seconds later.

"Mmm," Bella moans, curling into a ball on her side, watching me huff and puff in my post-coital bliss.

"That was pretty good." Her fingers trail down my chest, under the blankets and wrap around my still hard dick. It's sensitive, so I take hold of her wrist and pull her hand to my chest.

Bella gasps.

"What?" I open my eyes, and Bella holds her bloody hand up for me to see. "Oh, gross."

"What'd you expect?"

"Honestly? I didn't think about it."

Bella carefully inches the covers down from our torsos to reveal what is hiding beneath the white sheets.

"Holy, mother of fuck!" I jump out of bed, almost falling to the floor when I catch my reflection in the mirror and it's worse than the huge mess of blood on the sheets. I scream like I've been attacked. My stomach, covered in Bella's blood, has me panicking. If I didn't know better, I'd think I had been shot.

"Calm down."

"Not my best idea," I chant over and over. My feet won't move. I'm rooted in place until my brain catches up with the panic rolling through my body.

"We can take a shower."

"Are you sure you're okay? There's. So. Much. Blood!" The wall catches me when I start feeling faint, and I suck in several large deep breaths through my nose.

Bella, sitting in sheets of red, laughs. "I told you my flow was heavy, and it didn't seem to bother you fifteen minutes ago."

"I think I'm going to be sick." I push off the wall, running for the toilet, and I feel Bella on my heels.

"It's fine, baby. I'm fine." She rubs my back as I puke. I feel like a grade-A pussy as vomit hurls from my insides.

When I'm finished making a fool out of myself, I step back and rinse my mouth with water and then step into the shower that Bella has started. Instead of me taking care of her, she's taking care of me.

"Thanks," I mutter.

The water rinses the blood clean from our skin, and it helps that Bella is soaping me up as well. I stand here, defeated like a soggy puppy in the rain.

"I appreciate everything you tried doing for me," Bella says, wrapping her arms around my waist. Her tits are pressed up against me, and Junior can't help but wake from his steam induced coma. I smile, kiss her nose and tuck Junior between my legs putting him in timeout. There's no way in Hell he's going back into her bloody depths.

"You're welcome."

"If it makes you feel any better, that orgasm really worked. I don't feel crampy anymore."

"Really?'

Bella nods. "Yep. I'm good as new." Her lips graze my neck, and her fingers scrape up and down my back in a seductive little dance. "Wanna?"

Shaking my head violently wisps of my hair scatters water everywhere. "No! I'm not ever doing that again."

Bella reaches around me turning off the water. "Come on, puker. Let's dry off and watch some TV." She looks over her shoulder as she steps out of the tub and blows me a kiss.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day." I pinch her ass, and she squeals trying to get away from me. "But may I fix you some tea?" I holler as she leaves me all alone in the bathroom.

"I'd love some."

A/N: YAY! If you have made it this far then you get a gold star. LOL Soooo gross!

Tracy, my dearest beta, thank you for always making time for me and giving me your undivided attention. ILY hardcore! xoxo

Thank you for the reviews, follows, faves and recs.

Any complaints should be directed Tracy's way ;) JK

Xo,

OhGee