"If you stick to your ways, you won't be able to help somebody when you want to most."

Hiratsuka's words from days past rang in my head as I bolted through the front door, ploughing through the built up snow in my haste towards the high school. Everything as far as the eye could see was covered in snow, with even more set to pile up thanks to the storm raging on and off throughout this otherwise ordinary December night.

The time is slightly past 20:00, yet the streets were barren – not a soul to be found. The darkness of the night had long since slipped in. The street lamps kept the light present, but for some particular reason, on this night, it felt as if they had taken a page out of my book and had simply decided to be lazy - shining at only a fraction of their potential.

Thoughts were rushing through my head. Mostly, I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my luck. This mad dash had started with an odd text message I'd received from a private number. The message itself had arrived shortly after I had gotten out of the bathroom post taking a nice, relaxing bath. Yes, I had managed to wash away some of the troublesome feelings and painful worries floating around my head and heart, if only for a moment.

I had dried off and gone back in my room, making sure to put on my comfortable, homey clothes in preparation to mellow out with some music. Unfortunately, it seemed this was not to be seeing as just when I got dressed, my phone had started signalling that I had received a message. I wasn't in the mood for messages, but I couldn't stand the blinking light the phone was making. Opening my messages, I found the sender was listed as "Private Number", and despite my usual tendency to ignore such messages, curiosity got the better of me.

The message contained the text:

"Yuigahama is on her way to school. She looks upset. She might make a mistake and hurt herself..."

Upon reading the word "mistake and hurt herself ", I don't know what came over me. I found myself reacting to wild thoughts my imagination conjured up in that split second of reading the message. Running downstairs, I found myself in sweatpants, a short sleeved t-shirt and a sweat coat over it, in combination with short socks, fumbling to put on my sneakers. Out into the storm I went. I didn't think twice about it, which is something extremely odd in itself.

Unfortunately, none of my apparel proved to do an adequate job of keeping my feet or body warm in the current weather conditions. Sure as hell, this only proved how unplanned my decision had been. Of all of the times I felt the need to act like one of those simpleton main characters out of some cliché light novel, I chose tonight of all nights. The single night in which the streets were heavily piled up with snow, with more expected combined with sporadic winter winds.

Needless to say, before I do something, I like to prepare and to think things through before I proceed to act. After all, I never assumed I was a simple, emotional creature, which could jump in and act on the fly. Yet, here I was doing exactly that.

As a person grounded in practicality, I shouldn't be assuming the worst, but a dreadful feeling had welled up inside me. It was formed from a simple deduction of what the "mistake and hurting oneself" could possibly entitle - The end result was not a pretty one.

This was serious. Serious enough that even I, who'd prefer to let things sort themselves out, ended up pushing myself into action. I feared the worst because I didn't know how she was coping with the events which played out on Christmas Day.

"She is foolish, but she couldn't be that foolish!" I told myself, but I couldn't leave things to possibilities and expectations, which had always betrayed me in the past. I had to make sure.

The events of that Christmas Day were far from simple and had put me in a place I had never hoped to be. Yuigahama, the otherwise simple yet surprising girl I had known for so long, had yet again managed to blow me away with something out of left-field, specifically, with her words. Those horrible cliché words which I'd hoped I'd never have to hear due to the amount of destruction they tended to cause:

"I'm in love with you, Hikki."

Yuigahama had started her confession at the end of Christmas Day, under the caresses of the soft holiday lights and gentle snow, within that small park in the Chiba Prefecture. Seemly out of nowhere she had decided to unleash the equivalent of an atomic bomb onto my fragile mind. I should have seen it coming. She had called me out to "hangout", which saw us spending the whole day together. It had felt like a date, but I ignored the possibility.

Here she was, not allowing me to hide behind my convenient misunderstandings. This had indeed been a date, just like at the fireworks show many months ago. Ever since then her feelings had become easier to read. She had been giving me many hints along the way before this announcement. Not just tonight, but in those distant carefree days when she would run after me in those sunset-lit corridors of the school or during those walks back home together down the empty, fall-embraced roads. Worst of all, this had been the impactful date, which builds up your bravery to finally reveal your true feelings.

No matter how many hints she had given, I had always refused to accept the fact of the matter, simply brushing them off. I classified these as the same feelings which made me like all those various girls throughout junior high school. Basically, nothing more than delusions. I had told myself that I'd never again lead myself astray by allowing myself to think that a girl might actually be feeling anything more than tolerability towards me, unless I was specifically told otherwise.

Yet there I was being told otherwise and I still couldn't believe it, especially since it was by none other than Yuigahama of all people. After all, things like that were not supposed to happen. Not to me at least.

At times like this, I couldn't help but compare myself to Hayama. As much as I hated his guts and what he stood for, he was what the majority of women in this world would flock to.

I, his exact opposite, was what women tried to avoid at all costs.

I, who was judged by people as being "trash" for merely understanding and accepting how the world realistically works.

I, who exhibited no talents other than managing to make those around myself hate me.

I, who stood out with nothing more than that hatred and my dead fish eyes.

Yet there I was being confessed to by Yuigahama, one of those women who had a place in the world from which I was shunned. She, who could have swarms of guys fighting over her affection. She could have chosen anyone else to feel these feelings for and it probably wouldn't have been a worse choice than me.

"What are you talking about?" I murmured, "I have no idea what you are talking about. You love me? You love a guy with no redeemable qualities other than being able to survive, in my own messed up way, in this dog-eat-dog world? That is a rather bad joke, Yui." I spoke.

Yet, despite this she had repeated her previous words.

"A bad joke? Knowing you, I understand why you would think that. Maybe hearing it a second time will help you believe it: I love you, Hikki! I have since the moment of the accident! What is with these sad things you are saying? No redeemable qualities? Those words are a bad joke! You may not see them, but I sure do!" she fired back.

Indeed, she hadn't planned on letting me misunderstand or remain in silence long enough to come up with lies. The words had sounded as if she had read my thoughts and wanted to address some of those concerns of mine. Even so, I couldn't convince myself that they were anything more than empty words.

"Oh, yeah? And what are these supposed redeeming qualities of mine? I'd love to hear what you see in me so much." I had asked in my crude, judgmental voice. At the time, my eyes were shifting all over the place trying to avoid her gaze. I was trying to provoke her into not being able to answer, yet she had met the question head on.

"You help people and ask for nothing in return, not even a single thank you! You sacrifice yourself and get hurt so others don't have to get hurt! You choose to silently bear the pain of the world so those around you don't get hurt... I see the pain you bear for people you otherwise "don't care" about. You are caring and, at times, far too kind, Hikki! This is just me naming a few of things I see in Hikigaya Hachiman off the top of my head!"

Hearing those headstrong words sent me back on the defensive for all of the wrong reasons. I had convinced myself that I had to prove her wrong.

"Me? Caring and kind?" I had chuckled."You make me sound far too noble. Seems you were fooled too, eh? Allow me to enlighten your imagination - I do that for myself and my own self-gratification!" I'd said with a slightly twisted smile while looking to the side. "I'm actually an egoist, "helping" others for the sake of using them later or not having to hear them complaining all the time. People are all too tiresome and simple. This is how I feel. This is just the type of person I am!"

"Liar!" she'd shouted out. Her eyes at this point seemed on the brink of tears. Despite this, her gaze had remained fixed on my eyes. The twisted smile on my face had quickly faded into a horrible sense of self-hatred as I finally looked directly at her.

"You tell yourself that so things are simpler! I've been watching you this whole time... I've watched you fight and struggle against everything on your own. I've seen how you try to convince yourself that this is the way it is and this is the way you have to be, but you are just lying to yourself!" she shouted.

"I..." was all I could muster up. My mind had gone blank. I was like one of the characters in those old soap dramas who had suddenly lost the ability to speak from shock. In my case, I think, deep down had lost the ability to refuse what was being said because of the determination and faith she had while saying it to me.

I trying my hardest to respond. Say something. Make up some sort of excuse, but nothing had come to mind. My empty sentence had quickly been interrupted by her.

"I may not be smart or as wise as Yukinoshita, but I want to be there for you! I want to be the one who makes you smile when you are feeling down. I want to be the one who saves you from the pain you are feeling deep down, just like you have for me in the past! Most, and selfishly of all, I want to be the one who you love!" she pleaded, doing the utmost to convince me of the genuineness of her words.

I couldn't think. My heart raced at absurd speeds, with an odd feeling welling up deep inside. Her words had hurt in a special way...

Her eyes hadn't faltered. They had stared into my widened, dead fish eyes, looking as if her gaze was staring into my very soul. I, on the other hand, had stared into something beyond those glistening brown eyes. What I saw were all of the moments we had spent together - all of our words, the gestures, and feelings behind them and just how much they all must have meant to her. They were all so genuine. So unapologetically genuine that they mimicked the innocence of a child.

It had made me think back to how much I'd always felt sorry for children because one day, when they would learn how cruel the world really is, at which point that innocence of theirs would slowly disappear, just like it once did with me.

Yet, there, in her eyes, that innocence was accompanied by a firm resolve. The resolve to nurture and follow through with those genuine feelings. Indeed, she had followed through with them, trying to tear down barriers I had put up so that no one would get close enough to even try to bring them down.

I couldn't help but admire her for that, and so much more. She looked so strong even as the tears streamed down her eyes.

At that point, I had a hard time doing anything. There had been a sudden rattling sound in my head, as though chains were breaking in some faraway distance. And as they broke, one by one, I had felt more and more terrified by what would follow when there was nothing holding me back.

I needed to put a stop to it. I had wanted to make it easy on her and for myself to deal with all of the complicated feelings, which were bubbling up from the dark depths of my heart, swallowing my mind whole. Yes, I felt I had to say something to try and save her from making the mistake she so clearly was so earnestly working towards:

"I don't understand. It would have been so much simpler if you had just left things alone. We had a nice thing going, didn't we? This game of uncertainty in which nothing ever changed… If you could have just pretended that your feelings for me were nothing more than a horrible nightmare, you could finally awake from it once we graduated and went on our separate ways." I softly spoke, forcing myself to maintain eye contact.

A sharp pain repeatedly stabbed my heart. Deep inside, something was telling me to stop.

"You love me? If that is so, then you have my condolences..."

A soft mumble "Stop." had formed in the cold air.

Ever part of my body was yelling at me to stop. In truth, that hadn't been what I really wanted to say. I didn't want to hurt her, quite the opposite.

-Why are you hurting the ones you love?-

"Sorry to tell you this but this isn't a fairy tale. I'm no prince, much less will everything will work out like you want it to. I can see that doesn't stop you from living in your imaginary world. Wake up!" I shouted.

-Why must you always be like this?-

"Hikki..." she sobbed, "Please, stop…"

-Why won't you change? Why won't you accept people's kindness or affection?-

"Love me? Even if that were true, I don't deserve your love. Now go find someone else to share your fantasies with…"

-This is what you wanted, is it not?-

At that point, I had done what I did best - trample people's feelings and run away like a coward. I'd quickly walked away to the sound of her calling out my name. She tried running after me, but slipped and fell into the snow. I didn't show any concerns, much less turn back. I'm, sure if had, I would have broken down and there would be nothing afterwards.

Yes, like the disgusting person I was I increased my tempo as she shouted something out at me. I hadn't been able to make out what it was because at the time the words "It would have been so much simpler if I didn't exist" had been ringing in my head, along with a mess of other things. With those words, that horrible mistresses I had thought I had left behind long ago came knocking at my door. Indeed, depression, despair, self-loathing had returned seeking to swallow me whole.

I have no idea how I had made it home that night. I simply recall walking through front door and being greeted by Komachi's teasing smile. She simply asked:

"How did the date go?". I have no clue what sort of expression must have been painted on my face, but her smile had quickly faded. It was replaced by a face of deep concern. I could have sworn she asked me something afterwards, but my mind never registered her words.

I quickly run upstairs and locked myself within the confines of my room trying to calm myself down as best I could. I had managed to drift off into a deep sleep, which I wouldn't have minded if it lasted forever.

The following days, I had been haunted by Yuigahama's words, the strength of her feelings and all of the other events which occurred within that small time frame of Christmas Day. Her words of sincerity had rung in my mind, followed by my despicable verbal retorts. Some time had passed and my brain had finally fully comprehended everything. For once, I couldn't help but found myself agreeing with opinion of others: I truly was trash.

The last time something this painful had driven me to self-loathing, I made a promise to myself to never allow myself to anything of the sort again – I had decided I was done with love, despair and, most of all, hating myself.

Since then, I had been at peace. Yet, this too crumbled. Everything was mercilessly on the offensive again. Now that I think about it, there never really was any peace, but simply everything had been placed in a controlled, frozen, stasis. Now the control had been lost, the ice had melted, and the stasis had been lifted. The war inside me had picked up where it had last left off.

And so here I am at the current moment. Alone, with my complex thoughts. I had hurt the girl who honestly loved me because I couldn't accept the reality of her feelings. This though, would have to take a backseat. After all, the present had even graver concerns. The one mission I had now was to reach the high school and Yuigahama on time.

I ran like I was a regular regional, cross country, marathon champion. In reality, being the type of person who preferred to focus more on intellectual improvement rather than physical, I found myself breathing heavily like a mad dog. It had been no more than 5 minutes and I could already nearly out of breath. Pathetic, to say the least. I was driven by the fear of uncertainty along with that of guilt over my previous actions, but there was something more there too. I dreaded the thought of what it might be.

Nevertheless, despite the exhaustion, the pain in my lungs and the pinching of the cold, sporadic winds against my exposed face and hands, my body stubbornly refused to stop moving. I continued pushing forward and there was nothing which could convince me to stop. I needed to make it on time before that girl did something which would make me loathe myself for the rest of my miserable life.

"What happens when you get there?" a faint voice asked me.

"I'll stop her from doing something stupid!" I managed to blurt out between my strong inhales and exhales.

"If you stick to your ways, you won't be able to help somebody when you want to most." Hiratsuka's words from that day popped up yet again.

In the next instant, I lost my footing. I had slipped on something unexpected - ice. I found myself falling at a horrible angle. My lack of luck struck again as my head hit the snowy road unprotected which sent the world around me spinning as I found myself laid out on the street.

My lungs were on fire - I couldn't catch a proper breath like before, but now it felt even worse. My head pulsed as I felt something trickle down the right side of the temple. On the ground before me, I saw red droplets staining the white snow: It was blood. I felt around my head and I found that I had a small gash. Nothing serious, but needless to say, it's a rather chilling thing to see your own blood in such an unexpected way. Surprisingly enough I found myself calmed down by it, at least in comparison to before.

This gave me a moment to think. The world around me was silent as my body was illuminated by the lazy street light above. My vision grew a bit hazy because of the initial impact. I found my eyes were coming to a close, and when they finally did, I found myself in darkness. In this darkness, a small, child-like figure formed a question.

"How will you stop her from doing what you think she is about to do?"

The thought of what Hiratsuka had told me rang in my head yet again, along with the many other events in which the people around me were trying to make me address my shortcomings and understand my own worth.

What was with these thoughts?

This turn of events?

Was I going to fail when it counted most?

The question repeated itself: How will I stop her? How will I save her?

"I don't know! I want to help Yuigahama, yet I'm the one who brought forth this turn of events! Yes, it was me! I was the one who told myself that I'm not allowed to be happy! I'm not allowed to be valued! I'm not allowed to be loved! I'm not allowed to change... Wasn't I!?"

As I was shouting these words in my mind I couldn't also help but think:

In truth, in that moment on Christmas Day, between my mind having a meltdown, I had felt something real, something genuine. I had been happy to hear those words from her. I was happy to learn how much she cared and the strong resolve which hid behind those beautiful brown eyes of hers. It wasn't only her eyes that were beautiful. She was beautiful, as a human being, almost making me thing that she was an angel or a figment of my imagination.

"Even though her feelings were so warm and genuine, I turned them down in such a despicable way - the way I knew best. That way because I convinced myself of these things. I was and still am scared! Scared to love! Scared to change!"

She, in my mind, had always been different from all of the other people around me. I had always wondered in what sort of sense she was different and what this meant for me. I understood now, and because of this understanding, it's even more important that I made it to her on time.

At that moment, it clicked in my head. My eyes shot open, the darkness of my mind was gone and I was back to the cold, silent world. I picked myself up, managing to get back on my feet. I had found the answer I was looking for. I knew how I was going to make things right; I knew what I wanted to tell her. With that answer came resolve and clarity.

Quickly, I checked the gash on my head which was still bleeding out. It wasn't as bad as I had initially thought. I was pretty sure I wasn't going to bleed out nor was I in danger from a small gash. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching Yuigahama.

I pulled out a pack of handkerchiefs out from my inner jacket pocket. Komachi has always loved to stick a pack of those in my clothes, and this time they would come in handy. I'd wasted too much time on the cold ground. I needed to hurry before Yuigahama had the time to proceed with doing anything stupid.

With this in mind, I started running towards the school once more.