AN: Okay this is some weird creation when I said that Emma Swan was so far in the closet that she was in Narnia and ta daaaaa this first chapter was born ;) You can find me on twitter under FlailinDarkSwan and this story is just a bit of a laugh to create smiles on people's faces. And I hope y'all like it :)

"Swan! Where's the forms I asked you for, weeks ago!" Emma winced at the bite in the mayor's voice and held the phone slightly away from her ear, frantically thinking up an excuse. She can do this right?

The blonde's eyes flicked over to her desk, with a dangerously high pile of paperwork that was threatening to slide off onto the floor… she hastily pushed the papers back onto the desk and cleared her throat. "It's done" She lied through her teeth but hoping to appease the seething brunette on the other end of the line. "It'll be on its' way… soon"

A sigh was heard on the other line and a weary voice came through. "You didn't do them, did you Swan? I will come over there, and kill you very slowly and painfully if I don't find these papers on my desk by tomorrow." The sheriff's shoulders slumped at the sound of the dial tone, the receiver hanging limply from her fingers as she hung up the station's phone.

"Well that could have gone better?" The blonde ground the heels of her palms onto her eyes, shaking her head. "Swan! where's the forms…I will kill you blah blah" She mocked Regina, looking through the papers that were sprawling across the desk, how was she to know which was which.

Despite their bickering, Emma secretly did have a soft spot for Regina, in fact she might even be in love with her but oh no she was so in far back in the closet, she could be in Narnia, she fooled herself with dates with August, Hook (That was a mistake never to be forgotten in a hurry). Her iphone bleeped, she looked over it and smiled widely.

"U up 4 a drink? Much needed, Granny on warpath, Rubes xx"

Emma chuckled and opened up the keyboard to quickly type a response. "Regina on warpath too, def need a drink, how bout now?" She double checked the time before sending the reply. It wouldn't matter if she clocked off half an hour early would it? Regina had the kid tonight… "Fuck it, Regina can wait another day for the forms" Emma grabbed her jacket and keys; placing her cell into her pocket and headed out of the station to her apartment, she had this need to wear a flannel shirt… she was unsure why.

SQSQSQSQ

As she stared into her closet, Emma vaguely wondered why she had so many tank tops and shirts… okay she had one dress that she wore to the date with Hook… a shudder ran down the blonde's spine as she remembered the horrifying event. "God, never again, gah! Okay where are you, little red checked shirt" She leaned further into the wardrobe, her hand touching something rough, her eyebrows furrowed and stepped closer but her foot caught on her "oh so very gay boots', clutching her beanie hat and tumbling into the closet headfirst and into snow? "...Well last I checked closets didn't have snow"

"And who might you be?" A gruff voice spoke loudly.

The blonde's head turned to the side and saw hooves; she promptly passed out.

SQSQSQSQ

Her eyes flickered open, to see unfamiliar surroundings and sitting up from his bed, "I'm not in Kansas anymore huh Toto" her eyes flicked to the… hmm half man and half ass creation sitting next to the fire… was that a joint he was smoking? "I take it you're Mr Tumnus and that is definitely not a set of pipes you're blowing on."

"Want a hit?" He lazily waved around the joint, sitting back to take in the smoke, and chuckling lightly to himself.

Emma eyed him warily and took the joint from his grubby stumpy fingers and hesitantly took a hit, feeling the drug go instantly to her head and made everything foggy. "Damn, this is good, how even did you…?" She trailed off, already forgotten what she asked.

"That caterpillar from eh… where was it… Wanderlust land or something like that. Anyway he has this crush on Jadis so he comes over here and gives us his stash, if we keep…" He started into a fit of uncontrollable laughter "quiet about his crush to Jadis otherwise…" He made a 'dead' motion across his throat and clicked his fingers for Emma to give him his joint back.

"So, I take it that I came here for a reason?" Emma hummed and fell back into the vacant chair across from his, lifting a strand of her hair and trailing it under her nose to make a moustache and popping her lips, taking another hit… and another until the half ass smacked it out of her hand and into his own.

"Thank you Emma, and good that you asked because I'm here to show you your past" Mr Tumnus finished the rest of his joint and grabbed Emma's hand; jumping into the fire, ignoring Emma's screams and moved his horns away from her grabbing reach. "DON'T TOUCH THE HORNS, they're very very sensitive"

"You dragged me into a fire! I'm going to burn- wait we aren't dead?" Emma clung onto the man..ass...thing for dear life.

"Remind me not to give you any more of my joints, and no we are not. You idiot child, this is magic. Ugh, peasants." He tutted at the grown woman and let her go just as they were going to hit the ground, him making a perfect landing; however the blonde… did not.

"Okay, ouch that really freaking hurt!" Emma grumbled and checked her face for any signs of blood, satisfied when there was none. She looked around at her surroundings and groaned, having recognised this as when she first met Lily. "Really? You brought me back to when I first met Lily?"

"Yup." He popped his lips at the P just to be extra annoying and piss the savior off. "What were you doing and what even were you wearing? You /really/ like flannel a lot"

"Who are you? The missing cast member from Queer eye for the straight guy? The flannel is really comfortable okay!" Emma pulled on her beanie more securely, dusting herself off.

"So how come I'm here then, do explain to me oh wise one" Emma mocked Mr Tumnus.

"You know, I really don't like you. Sooner we get this done, sooner you're out of my way." He rolled his eyes and gestured to young Emma and Lily who were standing way too close together to be 'just' friends. "You and her? Hmm" He rubbed his little soul patch beard.

Emma sighed, this was not good. She knew what was coming next and she had no defense for it so she stayed silent as the young selves in front of them kissed.

"Ahhh see now this makes sense, what happened?" The half man glanced at an all too quiet Emma.

"She left, like they all do. She was my first… and last kiss... I'm not gay but she was my first..." Emma looked at the happy version of herself. "That was one of the few times that I was truly happy and myself." She sighed and looked at Mr Tumnus. "Can we go, anywhere but here?"

"Alright love, just take a hold of my umbrella, you bloody choked me last time"

"You dragged me into a FIRE!" Emma huffed and took a hold of his umbrella, transporting themselves into another part of Emma's life.

THUD!

Emma found herself face down in the ground yet again, growling at the man who had once again landed gracefully.

"Clumsy, aren't ya Ems?" A throaty chuckle rumbled through the quiet air around them, Emma just growled at the ass in response; looking around.

"Oh for fu- here? Seriously?" Emma groaned as she sat on the wooden flooring of Henry's castle, looking out at the lone figure in front of her.

"I'm all a-curious in what made you this way" He gave the blonde a smug smile and watched as a certain brunette walked up to the sheriff, having a small conversation.

"This doesn't mean anything, not at a- oh…" A blush grew up in Emma's face as she saw Regina leaning in to kiss Emma but was rejected immediately by the blonde. "I told you before... I'm not gay, I just kissed a girl years ago."

"You were worse than an idiot! How could you not kiss that fine sexy wo- OUCH! Did you just flick my horns? I TOLD YOU THEY WERE SENSITIVE" He rubbed his little horns and grumbled.

"I get it okay, I acted out of fear and I regret that day." She saw the heartbroken look on Regina's face as the mayor watched the other HER walk away. "Dammit Emma…I haven't spoken with her in months at least not properly but you know, she moved on pretty fast with that pine cone."

The creature hummed to himself and patted the distressed blonde's knee. "Looks like my job here is done, well almost but I've made you at least aware of what you've done. My colleague will be here in a few minutes. Gotta go!" A little shake of his umbrella and he was gone.

"Well fuck, what have I done?"

"Good question, you are indeed an idiot, if you did that to me then I would have happily killed you… or have you in the dungeons." A cold chilling voice made its' way to Emma's ears and the woman was reluctant to turn round; her eyes fell on the woman and hung her head and sighed.

"Not you, anyone but you… but I'm a little hungry, got any turkish delight?"