Your Love is Pushing me So Far: Letters from Nanda Parbat

Her world was changing again, and Felicity's soul was gripping so tight, trying to hold on to her resolve. It was like being on one of those carnival rides that spin you outward, like a planet about to ricochet out of orbit.

The world was spinning madly on, and she was just trying to remember to breathe.

Her hands, with chipped black nails, gripped the cold metal of Oliver's work chair in the abandoned foundry, and she let go of her resolve.

She wept, and she cried big ugly sobs. Her chest burned as she gasped for air, the onset of a panic attack setting in.

She closed her eyes from the destruction around her, trying to rein in her emotions. It was no use. This had been building for nearly eight months. Eight months of blow after blow to her friends, her family. She had remained steady through most of it, even when they thought that Oliver had died on that mountain. At least then she knew his soul was at peace, finally at rest.

But now, now she had no such silver linings to cling to. Oliver's soul was stuck, locked away in a shell like some twisted form of purgatory.

If his soul was lost, what did that make of hers?

Three weeks ago her own lost soul had finally found a home. It was intertwined with is, just as their bodies were that beautiful candlelit night.

And now? Now it was broken, searching for its mate lost amongst the wills of a mad man.

Her body was shaking now, as it tried to deal with the rush of excess oxygen it was receiving, her large gulps of air only making the panic attack worse.

She let go of the chair, allowing her body to slide to the cold concrete floor. She braced herself on her hands and knees, her head tucked down, forcing the oxygen to move slower, dispersing some of the clouds and buzzing from her head.

When she felt she had some semblance of control, she crawled the few paces to Oliver's bed, seeking out its comfort one last time. She pointedly ignored the small clumps of potting soil in her path.

She collapsed on the bed in a heap, exhaustion often accompanied with such cathartic crying settling in.

As she nuzzled in to his pillow, silent tears made their way down her nose, dropping onto the soft fabric that barely smelled like him.

She stared off into the darkness of her broken home, flashes of happy times dancing across her vision. She daydreamed for who knows how long, and maybe even dozed off a time or two.

Gathering her remaining strength, she pulled herself away, forcing herself to leave her only source of comfort and fulfillment for the past three years.

Just like Oliver's soul, that life was gone now, and Felicity had better get used to it.

Birds were beginning to chirp as Felicity trudged up the steps of her building, dawn barely on the horizon. She fulfilled the unconscious acts of checking her mail box and stuffing the neighbor's mail into their door before she moved to unlock her own.

Closing the door behind her, Felicity rolled her shoulders in a vain attempt of relieving the stress and melancholy settling in to her bones.

Dropping her keys and mail on her kitchen island, she made a beeline for her bathroom, washing her face of yesterday's grime. Slipping in to her pajamas, she made her way back to the kitchen, quickly filling a glass with red wine. Time of day be damned, she had to get some sleep, and that wasn't possible without a little bit of chemical persuasion.

She rested one hand against her kitchen island while she sipped idly from the other, her gaze wondering around, looking at nothing in particular.

Her vacant thoughts were interrupted by a splotch of red peeking out from under the pile of mail. It was a candle wax stamp from days past meant to seal a letter.

Her heart raced as she realized there was an arrowhead indention in the red wax. She shakily reached out for the letter, afraid of the million things it could be, but desperate for only one.

She pried the wax from the parchment paper and slowly unfolded the crème colored letter.

Bright red letters, words, and sentences filled her vision, and tears stung her eyes as she took in the handwriting of her soulmate.

She grabbed the bottle of wine, forgoing the glass, and headed to her cozy arm chair, wrapping herself up in an afghan.

Several gulps of wine later, she began to read.

My girl, my Felicity,

I've never written a love letter before. I've never been in love before, not like this, and I'm learning that when you love someone the way I love you, you want to share everything with them, no matter how inconsequential or life altering it is.

Forgive me if I don't find the right words, but if there was ever someone who could interpret their meaning, it would be you.

I was moved by you Felicity. Not just by making love to you, but by the words you gave to me, the sincerity in your eyes. I knew then that I could no longer keep you at arm's length. You pulled out a piece of my soul, dusted it off, and let the light shine down on it.

One night with you Felicity gave me something I haven't had in eight years. Hope. Hope for a way out of this mess, hope for a chance to tell you countless stories of my time away from Starling, hope for a chance to take you for a scenic ride down a highway into a sunset, hope for a future.

I'll never forgive myself for all the time wasted pushing you away. I know you would be chiding me already, telling me that the steps we took were necessary, that there's an order and reason behind all of the madness in our lives.

And that's the thing Felicity. This is the thing you NEED to know.

Even when you're not here, even when your soft voice isn't in my ear, or your gentle touch isn't on my arm, your soul is guiding mine, illuminating a path.

Your love is pushing me, pushing me so hard to accept the little bit of light still left in me, and it is SO strong, your love. I can feel it coursing through my veins, reaching every inch of my body.

And you need to know that Felicity, you NEED to understand that you've branded me, my heart and my soul.

There's no going back. There's no undoing it. There's no force, no man, no drug that can mar that brand on me.

Ra's is going to try. He's going to make me do unspeakable things. He is going to try and break me like so many have before. But I've never loved someone the way I love you. I've never known the strength that comes with loving someone with all of my being, and it will be Ra's' undoing.

Ra's has just started his training with me, the conditioning to become his heir. He's using mind altering drugs not unlike vertigo, and I had to write this and send it off to you before he pulls me in too deep. I'm not even sure if this will make it to you, but I had to try.

I told you before you left not to give up hope for happiness, and I'm telling you that again.

I will FIGHT Felicity. I will fight tooth and nail to come back to you. Everything I do, every concise decision I make will be one step closer to making my way back to you. Please don't forget that. Any actions I take, any pain I cause, it will all be to ensure our future.

Ra's will test me. He will test my resolve. He will test my allegiance to the League. He will do everything in his power to snuff out Oliver Queen.

As long as you love me, as long as it's your voice in my head guiding me, Oliver Queen will never die. The man you love will never die, and my soul will never be lost.

I love you, Felicity, and I will see you again. I will hear your voice again. I will feel your touch again. And we will build a life together.

I'll be seeing you soon,

Your Oliver

Taking a deep breath, Felicity felt the vice on her heart start to loosen. His words were the life preserver she had been grasping for in the deep waters of despair.

Her head was finally above water. Her beautiful Oliver had reignited her convictions when she needed it the most.

Bright streams of light started to filter in through her bay window, illuminating the saving grace of a letter, tear drops visible in the blurred, red ink.

Red. Their color.

Some time later, after Felicity watched the sun rise, and after she had taken a warm bath, she finally crawled into bed.

A soft smile graced her features as she drifted off into a peaceful slumber, her bright red nails clutching his letter close.