The Sonic Fan's ABC

By Breech Loader

Breech: This is a poem I just dug out while dusting my bedroom. I originally wrote this like, well over ten years ago (which says something about how often I dust my bedroom for a start). Shadow had just had his game, and I was writing my first hardcore rape scenes. I was going through a stage of printing out all my stories because I was paranoid about plagiarism, which is why I have a hard copy.

And it's terrible. Hell, I was ashamed of it back then! But everybody starts somewhere...

So today I thought "What the hell," updated it by about 20 years, added an intro and outro, and put it up here to make you all laugh - and it most certainly is laughable, I know that…

Do you know your ABC?
Will you sing along with me?
Because all Sonic fans love to complain,
About other fans, so let's sing it again…

A is for Amy, she's so pink and sweet,
There's far too much sugar for dentists to eat,
She says she loves Sonic and stalks him all over,
But really she wants the author for her lover.

B is for Big, who's a big purple cat.
And many will say he's retarded and fat,
He's got potential, he's got cute in plenty,
But when he stars in a fic, the fan's running on empty.

C is for Cream, who's just six, y'know?
But if she's hanging with Tails she might give him a blow,
What happened to decency and common sense?
The author just sold them for 25 pence.

D is for 'Darkness'; he's Shadow's fan-brother,
Five times as strong, and Rouge's new lover,
He'll kick Eggman's butt! He will save the day!
Unless I throw up, or we all run away.

E is for Eggman, a big bald fat freak,
He tried world domination three times last week,
All of his robots have terrible aim,
And I'd rather drink chlorine than play his mini-game.

F is for Feline, the cat whose intention,
Is to use Sol Emeralds to save her dimension,
Blaze is a princess, or is she a queen,
Whose sexual preference remains to be seen.

G is for GUN; are they good guys or bad?
SEGA hasn't decided, and it's driving me mad,
Either one fills me with terrible dread,
Since joining them means that you aim for the head.

H is for Heroes, Sonic Heroes that is,
Where Shadow's a robot, Tails' IQ takes the piss,
The moon's been repaired, Knuckles is on vacation,
And Eggman's in charge of a world corporation.

I is for Idiot, the fandom has many,
Drawing to earn even one hard-earned penny,
Who think that we'll actually pay for their hentai,
Well I'm just a pervert in training, so goodbye!

J is for Julie-Su, created by Penders,
To be Knuckles' girlfriend, do you remember?
With a persona that's less than forgettable,
I can't say that I find her absence regrettable.

K is for Knuckles, the last of his breed,
Or is he? I met twenty others last week,
They're back from the stars and they're ready for loving,
Oh, get in line girls, stop your pushing and shoving!

L is for Labyrinth, when Sonic sunk low,
In the years when he was high on crack, you know,
His sneakers were high-grav, and he couldn't jump,
But he made it to ER to get his stomach pumped.

M's for Maria, and Madness as well,
When this little blonde girl died, the world went to hell,
She's Shadow's excuse for his psychotic ways,
Oh when will the fans learn that angst never pays?

N is for Nack, some popular guy
Who showed up in three games, and we want him back. Why?
He's got a pop-gun and a neat motorbike,
If he doesn't come back his fans will go on strike.

O is for Oh No! The Emeralds return,
In every damn story, showing fans never learn,
They can bring your fan-characters back from the dead,
Even if the poor guy needs a new goddamn head.

P is for Psychic, which is what some call Silver,
Created when SEGA sent all their fans up the river,
"It's no use!" are his words, and they suit his game well,
Since I'm certain it must have been coded in Hell.

Q is for Quest, which is what I am on;
A quest to write fanfics from dusk until dawn,
It's not false modesty when I say I'm good,
But what's also true is that I'll strip for food.

R is for Rouge, who's she dating now?
Sonic, Shadow, Knuckles, or Amy? And how?
A spy and a thief and a liar for sure,
And face it, she's always portrayed as a whore.

S is for Sonic, who did you expect?
The world's fastest hedgehog, the last time he checked,
Oh what would we do without this speedy blue jerk?
Well for one thing I might be on time with homework.

T is for Tails, who flies like a fox,
Possessing the mobility of a sack full of rocks,
An IQ of 300, but no grammar skill,
"All those Eggman's robots!" leaves me feeling quite ill.

U is for Useless, which some apply to slash,
Where the author decides to write guy on guy bash,
If I see a Sonadow one-shot even once more,
I'll barf before I can reach the bathroom door.

V is for Vector, this crocodile rocks,
Just look at his bling and his ultra-cool socks,
He runs the Chaotix with Espio and Charmee,
And I'll admit frankly they're driving me barmy.

W's tough; try Waku Waku Sonic Patrol Car,
A Japanese arcade game the weirdest by far,
Sonic's a cop in it, would you believe?
And the five year olds waiting in line hardly breathe.

X is for Sonic X, the Japanese cartoon,
That 4Kids messed up like a Brazilian monsoon,
The translation sucks, with the good lines all cut,
But the original version kicks serious butt.

Y is for Yuji, the guy with the money,
He probably uses a solid gold dunny,
He doesn't make games, but he could make them stop,
If Sonic Team's funding gets the impromptu chop.

Z is for Zones, they're all over the place,
Casino Night, Emerald Hill, and Sky Chase,
Collect thousands of rings and fight a fat jerk,
This formula never ceases to work.

But the fan's ABC still leaves much undiscussed,
Like the Sonic Adventure card deck (15 years+),
Little watch-battery games found in Happy Meals,
Yes, anything hedgehog-related appeals.

There's backpacks and badges and toothpaste and shoes,
There's wristbands and weird hats and meatballs and booze,
So stop waving your keyrings, plushies and posters,
Because I've got a book about Sonic the Toaster…

Breech: Shameful, I know. 95% of that is about 10 years old, the other 5% updates the other 95%, which says more about how much Sonic has changed than it does about the quality of my writing.

I just hope it made you laugh, one way or another.