Coffee Comes with Free Insults

Sakura Haruno hated being a barista with a passion she had never thought was possible. She had thought that this would be a decent job for paying her way through college. Just make coffee and serve it. But she had discovered it was so much more than that.

There were the bitchy girls who always gave you a bored look and complained that there were too many calories in their grande skim milk, no whip, double shot, mocha coconut cherry frappuccino. No kidding! Making it skim and holding the whipped cream did not undo all the sugar and milk used to dilute your coffee!

There were the caffeine junkies who always seemed to be on edge without their coffee fix. Jittery and irritable without their drug of choice in their systems. Most of them also sported eternal coffee breath and seemed to breathe it directly in her face every time they ordered. It was like they never heard of breath mints.

There were the busy moms who never seemed to grasp the concept of control. Screaming child on the floor while the mother yelled at the kid, acting no better than the child, forgetting to finish telling Sakura what the hell type of drink she wanted.

There were others. The busy people who always claimed you made the drink too slow, the crazy people who wanted their coffee to scald their mouths, the ones who wanted you to warm their coffee back up after they drank half of it, and apparently couldn't comprehend the term "health code violation." It seemed half the customers had their own unique quirk specially designed to irritate the pink haired barista.

Despite how much Sakura despised all these customers, she could tolerate them for the couple hundred bucks a week she earned. It was temporary and years of bullying in elementary and junior high had given her a tough skin and the ability to let the unpleasant words roll off her.

However, there was one customer that irked Sakura to no end, no matter how much she tried to brush him off. Add to that the fact that he was a regular. Worst of all, he was always her first customer of the day. Perfect way to start the day, right?

She still remembered the first time she had met him. It had been about a week and a half into her employment when the one and only Sasuke Uchiha had strolled into the café like he owned the place, dressed to the nines in a business suit. Cell phone glued to his ear, talking constantly, oblivious to all the women melting into adoring puddles around him. Sakura hated to admit it, but she had been one of them. She had a real weakness for jet black hair and pale skin. Sasuke had both of these traits, plus a pair of dark grey, almost black eyes that seemed to strip you down to your essence in seconds. He was pretty much her dream guy come to life.

So when Sasuke had stepped up to the counter that first time, she had straightened up quite a bit and quickly smoothed out her apron. She could only pray that her hair wasn't frizzing today or anything. Even if she was stuck in one of the least attractive uniforms ever, she could make it work for her. She met his eyes with a friendly smile.

"What would you like today, sir?" she asked, green eyes sparkling.

Sasuke ignored her. "What do you mean the files aren't there, Naruto? Look again… I told you, C drive, Shared Documents, in the folder titled 'Project Kaguya.' I put them there last night."

Sakura felt a small spark of irritation as he stood in front of the register not ordering. She saw several customers roll their eyes and shift their stances.

If you weren't ready to order, why did you get in line?! She screamed in her head. But maybe this was a really important call. She could wait for a bit. So she waited about a minute in awkward silence between the two of them. Apparently, Naruto was looking for the file and not talking.

"Sir, are you ready to order?" she asked after a few more seconds.

"Just a second, Naruto. This cashier won't shut up," Sasuke said before clamping a hand over his phone's speaker. "I'll order in a minute, so stop pushing me."

Now she definitely heard several of the other customers in line groan impatiently. She made sure to smile as broadly as possible to try to hid how much she wanted to punch this guy in the middle of his perfect face. She had not been pushy. She had asked him just the one time if he was ready. Jerk. She slid one hand out of sight and clenched it until her nails bit into her palm and her knuckles ached from the tension.

"Look, you're hopeless. Wait until I come in, and we'll look for it together, you moron," he said into his phone. He covered his phone again. "Venti macchiato."

Sakura smiled. "All right, sir. Is that all?"

He shushed her with a hand and she felt her smile falter a bit.

Just keep calm, Sakura. Keep it together until the end of your shift. All eight hours away…

He glanced at her for a brief moment, and Sakura pressed her advantage.

"And your name?" she asked, marker poised above his cup.

He ignored her again. She was about to call for more help when he shoved his credit card in her face so harshly that she actually stepped back a little. She saw him smirk a little at her reaction, and she vowed that she would never again think this man was attractive in any way. She grabbed the card and slid it before writing the name from the card on the side of his cup. She set the cup next to her coworker Ino and gave Sasuke Uchiha his credit card back.

"Would you like a receipt?" she asked as the cash register finished processing his card.

"Naruto, I swear I'm going to kill you when I get there," Sasuke said as he walked away from the register to the waiting area.

"I'll take that as a no," Sakura muttered under her breath as she finished his transaction. "Next in line, please."

Every day after that had been a repeat of that day, albeit sometimes there were more glares involved. But the phone was omnipresent, as well as this Naruto's constant inability to function without the handsome jerk Sasuke Uchiha holding his hand through every step. Sakura began every shift dreading his arrival. Why her? Why did life hate her so much to keep sending him to her every single day?

Until the one day when Sasuke ran late and then held up her line so long that the other cashier had started getting complaints about how long the line was and how rude the man blocking the other register was. Sakura had had it then. Two weeks of his constant shit was enough for her. She wasn't sure what possessed her other than pure spite, but she picked up her marker and wrote "Sasooke Ucheeha" on the side before handing it to Ino.

She watched Ino pick it up out of the corner of her eye. The other girl's eyes widened at the name written there. She quickly schooled her features and hid most of it under a coffee collar. Of course, Sasuke took it while still on his phone and left, never noticing the note.

This had emboldened Sakura, and she had spent the next several nights coming up with increasingly ridiculous ways to misspell his name. Sahsuke Uchihah, Sasukeh Oochiha, Sasuke Oochioochiha, Sahsukeeeehhhh, Smesky, Sasusmexy, Sasukeh Umhiha, and several others appeared on his cups and were never noticed. This lack of response only made Sakura vow that she was going to get him to notice the goddamn names. Something about his obliviousness had sparked the competitive streak in her.

So she had upped her game to less veiled insults. "Phone Glued to Ear Uchiha" was the first one. "Rude to the World Uchiha" had come up a few days later. "Bite me." "Vampires suk." "I starred in Twitlight." "Narto + Saske 4eva!" "My husband needs me." "Can't function without phone." "Common manners optional."

Then came today when Sakura got switched off of register. "For a change of pace," her manager had said. She had practically fallen at his feet to worship him. Why? Because that meant she wouldn't have to deal with Sasuke for once. She would just have to make his dumb venti macchiato and hand it to him. Easy enough. She wouldn't have deal with him personally this time.

In came Sasuke Uchiha, like clockwork. And, as always, he spent a good fifteen minutes holding up the line before ordering the same thing as always. Sakura took the cup, noticing that Ino's nice handwriting said his name, as it should be written. The pinkette began making his typical drink. Start the espresso. Steam the milk. Pour the espresso into the cup, then pour the milk into the cup. She finished and put a fresh lid onto the cup. On a spur of the moment and because it felt wrong not to write something, she grabbed a marker and wrote "I spit in it lots, you jerk." She covered the message with a coffee collar before heading towards the pick up counter.

"Sasuke Uchiha, one venti macchiato," she called.

He came towards the counter, and she nearly fell over in surprise when she realized he wasn't on the phone. He seemed just as surprised when he saw her setting his drink on the counter.

"You're not at the register today," he said as he picked up his drink.

"No..." she said warily. Did he actually pay attention to her? Like, notice her as anything but the dumb cashier who took his orders?

"Guess they decided to take a risk," he said with a condescending smirk before walking out of the store.

Sakura gaped after him for several moments.

"Umm… Sakura, the next order—" Ino began to say before Sakura let out a screech.

The pinkette was red as she reached up her hands as if to tear her hair out. Who did he think he was?! Acting like she was going to give the customers food poisoning or something with her cooking?! Did he think he could treat people like dirt just because he was good looking?! That little smirk like she was beneath him—she was just as easy on the eyes as him!

"I hate that guy so much!" Sakura said before starting the next round of drinks.

A/N: This story was based off a prompt from tumblr: I'm a barista and you're the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time so I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day AU

I had a lot of fun with this actually. Coming up with new nicknames for Sasuke was fun. Plus, it was a fun way to vent about how sucky customer service jobs can be at times. There will be two more chapters (?) fro this AU. All equally fun.

Cookies to everyone who caught the references to the manga's final arc.