Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any of the characters; they belong to Masashi Kishimoto. I don't get any money from this.

Warnings/ author's notes: Some sexual references and drinking. Mentions of various pairings including NaruSasuSaku OT3, ShikaTema, SaiIno, KibaHina, NejiTen, and ChojiKarui. All them are pretty much pure crack though. That's about it.

Choji enjoys the simple things in life: food, friends, family, the look on his father's face when he mastered the Master Size Technique, and watching Shikamaru do smart and awesome things. Choji understands that he is a simple person, so he often looks to others for his happiness. That is why when six distressed and slightly drunk girls and one distressed Naruto (who has been upgraded to an honorary girl when it was discovered he was strictly Team 7-sexual) barged into his kitchen at midnight he was a little perturbed. Considerate as ever, Choji does not ask why they were interrupting his midnight snack and offers them some of his food. For Choji, this is the highest form of respect. (Also, Choji knows from long experience with Ino that an upset kunoichi make things decidedly unsimple, so it's best to go along with it unless you wanted a kunai up your ass and an enraged father asking what he did wrong in raising you when Ino went home sniffling).

Choji does not have to wait long before the yelling begins. He is very glad the yelling is not at him.

"'Troublesome' he says; 'troublesome' my ass. Let's see how troublesome I am when he doesn't get any for the next month," Temari slurs, hands tightening threateningly on her fan. Choji sends a quick prayer to the gods asking for Shikamaru's safety.

Choji is surprised to hear Karui snort; she is one of the few that doesn't look upset. (He quickly thinks bad thoughts of no food and hungry children; he is aware Karui is quite pretty, and whenever he is around her, it is hard to think straight. He is also quite aware she is out of his league and would probably end him if she found out about his crush). "Him not getting any would require him getting some in the first place, Sabaku."

"He would get some, but whenever I start talking to him these days, he gets shifty-eyed and then slithers away." (Choji is well aware of this; Shikamaru, who just told him that he had a dream that he was married to Temari, has always good at avoidance whenever it means confronting strong emotional attachment…and Temari is a bit too much like Yoshino Nara for comfort).

"You think you have it bad? Sakura-chan and I have been chasing that bastard's ass for four years now. You know what he said to us? 'I'm sorry. See ya around.' Then, the fucker went off to be a hobo or some shit." This is cut off with a smack on the head from an enraged Sakura.

"Sasuke-kun is just under a lot of stress. I know he cares about us somewhere deep down. He, he just…"

Ino interjects, "At least, you have the excuse of him being away for five years for things not moving forward. I've been trying so hard with Sai but…Wait, aren't you and Billboard Brow already dating, so what happens when one of you actually gets him then?"

Jade and cerulean eyes stare at each other and then look at Ino.

"Y—you could share him together maybe. Th—that way everyone could be happy." The suggestion came from the last person in the room one would expect it to come from.

"Why, Hinata-chan, who would have guessed you would have come up with something like that? Do have any other good ideas? Like how to help Tenten with a certain cousin for instance?" Ino is smirking catlike, blue gaze pinning a flushing Hinata to the spot.

"Ino, let her be. If it was going to happen with me and Neji, it would have happened by now." Tenten says resignedly. "It's, as he would say, 'fate.'" (Well, maybe Tenten, though admittedly sweet girl, is more bitter than resigned).

Choji blinks, thinking very hard of suggestions. Too bad Shikamaru isn't here. He always knows what to do.

"Well have any of you actually tried anything with them yet?" he offers tentatively.

Seven pairs of eyes stare at him. Choji gulps.

That night marks the night that Ino commandeered Choji's kitchen and the next year of his life to form the Kunoichi (and Naruto) Lonely Heart's Club. The club's purpose, according to Ino, is, although they were independent kunoichi that didn't need no man for personal fulfillment, to acknowledge that they had needs that the men in their lives were too idiotic to take care of. Therefore, instead waiting on their vibrators to run out of batteries, the club would take their love-lives into their own hands and conspire to seduce their man (or hapless victim). Choji is not sure to be thrilled or terrified. Ino often inspires that him—she was even more intimidating than Shikamaru's mother when she puts her mind to it.

xxx

Strategy No. 1: Recruit a teammate's help.

Ino's first victim is one Hyuga Neji. For the last two days, she has been plotting with Shikamaru about the best way to have Tenten and Neji united at long last. For some reason, though, she seems to want to include Sai in all of these meetings. This annoys Choji and Shikamaru to no end. Sai's suggestions are just…

"That would be a no," Shikamaru says.

"My books say that—"

"What Shikamaru means, sweetie, is that leaving Neji tied to Tenten's bed would only work in Icha Icha Paradise. If we did that, we would die violently, either by Tenten's hand for embarrassing her, or by Neji's for well…" Ino breaks off, shuddering.

"What about a picnic?" Choji says, munching on some chips. Food is nice; everyone likes food.

Shikamaru smiles. Picnics are good. He can nap on the blanket. Hyuga and Tenten can be discreetly left in an isolated part of the forest for her to confess. Everyone wins.

…

Everyone did not win. The picnic was going swimmingly until Sai suggested Rock Lee challenge Neji to a duel for Tenten's heart. His guidebooks told him "enlisting help in the spirit of camaraderie for a mutual goal often provides a better outcome in which everyone goes home happy."

"Yes, in the spirit of youth, I challenge you, my eternal rival, to a duel for Tenten's, our comrade most beautiful, heart. Though I cannot pursue her romantically while my heart belongs to another, I can still fight in her honor!"

Neji does not dignify that with a response. Tenten looks torn between looking crushed and enraged. Choji decides she has the patience of a saint for not throwing a barrage of kunais at either Lee or Sai. Even he is annoyed by the two of them. (Sai called him the forbidden word and is hated on principle from taking Ino away from him and Shikamaru, and Lee challenged him to eating competition. There are some things Choji doesn't stand, and people questioning his eating prowess is one of them.)

"My eternal rival, now I challenge you to fifty laps on our arms around the village before our duel. A heart such a Tenten's must be strived for to be won, even for a prodigy such as yourself." Neji finally snaps.

"She is not something to won. Tenten is many things, but she is not something to be fought for or won like she is a cheap festival prize. It is her fate to choose to be with someone as her equal—not as something to be taken or won. Besides, it's not my fate to be with her or have children—"

He breaks off, hands going to his forehead protector which covers his cursed seal before continuing. "Things the way they are I will never have children. Tenten deserves someone who can give her their all. I cannot."

He storms off. Tenten opens and closes her mouth before slowly sinking to the ground. Suddenly, someone stands up, startling the awkward silence that has fallen.

"Tenten, Neji is beyond to precious to me, and I want his happiness and yours, too. I will fix this. The Branch family—what we do to them is wrong, but Neji is wrong, too. To be caged is not his fate. I will fix this, and I will not back down—not even to the clan elders. That is my ninja way!"

Tenten blinked and nodded at Hinata before walking off in the direction Neji had left, eyes misty.

Hinata blushed before sitting down. Karui looked at her speculatively before turning to Choji.

"I thought she was a scared little mouse, but she isn't, is she? It's always the quietest people that end up surprising you, don't they?" she says.

Trying to act as suave as possible, Choji chokes on his chips before he says, "Yes. People end up surprising you."

He actually managed a complete sentence. Choji: one; embarrassment: zero. He can already hear the wedding bells.

Status of Strategy No. 1: Failure, complete failure. On the other hand, after a two-day long argument with Hyuga clan elders that ending with that ended in her great-grandfather sailing through their window (courtesy of one Hanabi Hyuga) when he called Neji "a Branch house upstart good for nothing but breeding stock," the Hyuga Main family was much more amenable to Hinata's ideas as future clan head. Hyuuga Hiashi was heard in the marketplace saying he was never more proud of either of his daughters. A marriage contract between the Hyuuga clan and a certain Tenten is in the works by next spring.

xxx

Strategy No. 2: Just get them together without their prior consent (and without Sai around to fuck it up).

The loss of Asuma-senesi still bites Choji in the belly like some stomach virus that won't go away. He knows it hurts Ino as well, but they can talk about it and about the memories of him. He can hold her. She blames herself—not being able to heal him well enough, never mind it was Hidan who stabbed him in the first place. For Shikamaru, though, it is different. Usually, Shikamaru can tell him anything, or he can say nothing and they can sit in comfortable silence. Whenever Shikamaru looks at baby Mirai, he flinches as if her face hurts him. She does look a lot like Asuma-sensei, Choji thinks. (He makes a mental note to give the baby a lecture on the evils of smoking when she is old enough). Touching Shikamaru on the shoulder, he decides to draw him out of his moody face. Sometimes he thinks too much for his own good, although he always denies it. If he keeps this up, he's going to be as bad as Sakura's and Naruto's Uchiha. Choji shudders at the thought.

"Come on, we should probably get Mirai back to Kurenai-san now." he says. Shikamaru nods.

Choji sighs; he has no idea what is going in Shikamaru's head right now, but he is going to fix it. "He'd be proud of you, you know? I bet he's watching right now from the heavens, though he'd smack you for being too lazy to actually take Mirai to top of the Hokage Monument like you promised. Naruto's roof isn't the same thing. She should see her grandfather up close and personal."

Shikamaru snorts, bad mood breaking. "If we went up to Hokage Monument, we would have passed Konohamaru and he would have wanted to come; he's too much energy."

Ahh, Choji notes, an ulterior motive. Shikamaru is so wise.

Dropping to the ground from the roof, they both see Kiba and Hinata making their way from the Hyuga compound. Hinata looks upset and Kiba holds back as if he is not sure whether to reassure her. Shikamaru eyes them keenly, "Kiba and Hinata have been spending a lot of time together lately, haven't they?"

Choji grunts in affirmative. Shikamaru gets the look in his eyes like he's plotting something.

"She's been a bit stressed lately about the cursed seal business, and I remember Shino saying Kiba said that he doesn't want to bother her about hanging out anymore. I'm sure that she still has time to look after her sensei's baby, though; Kiba can help her."

With that, Shikamaru walked up to Hinata and Kiba and unceremoniously shoved Mirai into Hinata's arms. "This will be good practice when you two decide to have your own."

Hinata turns a bright red and begins spluttering. "Me and K-Ki-Kiba-kun? He's m—my teammate. He doesn't like me like that."

Kiba turns a similar shade of red before exploding into fit of rage. "Hinata?! What, she's like a sister and so pretty…"

Wanting to this to end as quickly as possible so he could return to his nap, Shikamaru cuts them off. "Oh really? I remember Kurenai-sensei saying the other day that she was so glad you were finally dating because you two were like an aunt and uncle to Mirai."

Kiba opened and closed his mouth several times before Hinata tentatively offered, "Well, K-Kiba-kun, I-I would hate to disappoint Mirai-chan and Kurenai-sensei…I mean unless you don't want too…" She trails off and twiddles her thumbs.

Akamaru bites him before Kiba manages to mumble out a "yeah."

Kiba looks like he's died and gone to heaven. Choji takes this as proof that Shikamaru is a god among men.

Status of Strategy No. 2: Success—mainly because the choice was taken out of the targets' hands. The strategy is not considered a success when Neji finds out though; only the timely intervention of a rather bored Hatake Kakashi prevents total annihilation. As it is, certain parts of Kiba's anatomy have had their chakra flow mysteriously blocked while he is sleeping.

xxxx

Strategy No. 3: Get naked.

Choji realizes that Naruto is not called Konoha's number one most unpredictable ninja for nothing, but he thinks that even this is taking it a bit far. Sakura isn't even here to slow down the crazy train of Naruto's logic from the impending train-wreck that's about to occur. This also means there is no Sakura to stop the inevitable explosion when the crazy train falls off the bridge into the abyss that is Sasuke's psyche.

"Come on, Sasuke."

"No."

"What are you afraid, scaredy-cat?"

"Still no."

And such goes Naruto's attempts to persuade on the next round of strip poker. The party has dwindled down to the point where Kiba has deemed it a total "sausagefest." (Choji does not understand why he seems upset about this; sausages are amazing. Plus, even if Hinata had stayed, he would not have been able to get away with anything with Neji's Byakugan…and Shino's bugs. Shino has declared any expressions of PDA in his presence from the happy couple will be shut down quickly.).

Sasuke remains unconvinced, so the only players in the game are a sulking Kiba, reluctant Choji and Shikamaru, confused Sai, Shino…and the very predatory-looking trio of Temari, Ino, and Karui. The three recently decided to become best friends and have been inseparable ever since. And unlike Sakura and Ino who squabble with each other more than anything, these three have a tendency to gang up on their prey…Thinking back, it was Ino's idea in the first place to have a party and get everyone drunk, saying that it will "give some much-needed release on the sexual tension."

"I, for one, will start; it's a first because this is the first party I haven't been forgotten," Shino adds significantly while looking at Naruto. Choji doesn't blame Naruto for not inviting Shino to more parties; he's so quiet and serious it's a surprise he's at this one. Shino takes off his glasses. Everyone stares.

Sai interjects, "Is this one of those awkward moments that my books are telling me about? Usually, this only happens after I open my mouth."

"Shush, sweetie." That is Ino.

"Those eyes are." That is Temari.

"So, so." This is Naruto.

"Beautiful." This is Karui. Choji stiffens. Shino's eyes aren't that pretty; Choji's are just as nice. He knows for a fact that they are a "lovely hazel," as Ino calls them. He is not the only boy sulking. Shikamaru and Sai both look faintly miffed. Sasuke, on the other hand, looks outright murderous. He stands up and reaches for his…shirt. Stripping of his shirt, he moves to stand in front of Naruto and scowls down at him. All the girls (and Naruto) in the room seem to get a simultaneous nosebleed.

"Anyone else want to take off their clothes, anyone?" asks flushing Ino.

"My books say that it is best to follow the crowd, so I propose we all get naked. After that, that is when an orgy occurs and we all engage in coitus, is it not?" Sai queries. Temari grabs Shikamaru possessively by the ponytail while Naruto, glaring at Sasuke and then Sai, snarls out, "His ass is mine." Fearing for her love's life, Ino blanches before grabbing him and pulling him out of the room.

When Naruto and Sasuke begin to fight about whether Sasuke has become an exhibitionist who likes to taunt people (Naruto) with his very toned chest since coming back from Sound, Choji follows. He doesn't have movie-star eyes like Shino, a pretty face like Sasuke, or charisma like Naruto. He doesn't know what he does have. Maybe it would be better if he just left. It is not until he is halfway out that he realizes that Karui is right behind him. She looks hesitant—a first for her.

"I didn't know you were leaving."

"I mean strip poker isn't really meant for who people look like me."

"What do you mean? So you're just going to go off and sulk! You look perfectly fine! Now, get your ass back inside now, lughead, before I smack you across your face."

Choji stares at her.

"Inside. Now. Before I make you." Choji follows her back inside.

As they enter, Sasuke seems to be stretching, muscles in his chest rippling, in front of a leering Temeri and a furious Shikamaru. Choji is trying to think of the best way to defuse the situation when Sasuke is suddenly flung over Naruto's shoulder as Naruto stalks out the room.

"ALRIGHT BASTARD, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK NOW. GO HOME EVERYONE, THE PARTY'S OVER!"

(Sasuke is smirking as he kicks Naruto in the balls. Naruto's eyes roll back and he collapses before tackling a still-smirking Sasuke. Choji does not pretend to understand their relationship and does not want to but shudders to think of the day when Team 7 actually gets together…their team dynamic seems a little codependent and violent already).

Status of Strategy No. 3: Don't have your crush get naked in front of other people (especially if you're the type that gets jealous easily). Contrary to Sai's expectations, orgies will not happen.

xxx

Strategy No. 4: Be his muse.

Choji has recently come to the conclusion that Sai, while having a lot of book smarts, has no emotional smarts at all. Choji can work with this, though. He can be will be Sai's Shikamaru, and Sai will be his Naruto. Like Shikamaru explains basic things needed for functioning in everyday life to developmentally-delayed Naruto, Choji will explain basic things needed to have a conversation without starting a blood feud to the socially-retarded Sai. Choji knows he is not a great warrior or great person, but he knows he is a great friend. So he will be Sai's friend. And he will make Shikamaru be Sai's friend, too. It will make Ino happy. That being said Sai is still not good enough for Ino. No one is…

It had been maybe three years back, right after Asuma-sensei died, that he and Shikamaru decided that neither of them would go for Ino. Ino has never been in love with either of them and probably never will—she's always seen them as too much like brothers—but there were times when Choji thought he could have fallen for her. Shikamaru could have fallen for her, too, but there is a darkness to Shikamaru that isn't in Ino. He needs someone who he can push until they push him back with a smirk on their face and death in their eyes. (This has why Choji has been calling Temari and Shikamaru as endgame since the chunin exams). Ino needs someone who can hold her and call her out on her bullshit as well as calling her beautiful in the same breath. Sometimes Choji loves simplicity too much to give Ino the complexities of love she wants. That being said, new friend or not, Sai is pushing the boundaries of common decency, and Choji doubts Sai has what it takes to make Ino happy.

"So you agree to be a model for me, Beautiful?"

(Sai, who has always been so bad at nicknames, has stopped using them except for Ino. Shikamaru uses this as basis for the fact they should be plotting Sai's death like they have for all of Ino's other admirers.)

Ino pushes the bangs out of her face and blushes, doing that thing with her eyes she does when she is trying to flirt. Shikamaru's eyes narrow.

"What is she modeling for?"

"Just your basic nude," Sai says blandly. (Choji knows that Sai must know how this is going to end. No one can be that stupid).

Shikamaru's hands flicker to his inherited chakra blades from Asuma-sensei. Choji knows that Asuma-sensei would be proud of their imminent use. Sai seems to get the message and quickly paints an ink creature, hopping on it and flying away to safety. Choji and Shikamaru share a fist bump. Like all great things in their friendship, words are not needed to convey what they are feeling. Ino's chastity is preserved from pale, plastic-faced ninjas; all is right in the world.

Ino is scowling at them. This is bad and means she is about to start screaming at them.

"How dare you?! Do you know how long I've been working on him? And when he finally starts to show some interest and I know my seducing is working—"

At this, Shikamaru and Choji begin to snort. Little to her knowledge, Ino's attempts at seducing will never work because all her potential suitors will have gotten the shovel talk from the previous generation of Ino-Shika-Cho (and the previous generation's wives—even more terrifying), Kakashi-sensei and Kurenai-sensei and Gai-sensei fulfilling their duty to Asuma's student, and last but not least Shikamaru and Choji themselves. When Shikamaru first thought up this plan Choji had his doubts, but it has proven flawless.

At this, Ino explodes in a fit both terrifying and comedic, mainly because it boils down to—

"A girl has needs, you know! And I really like him when we're talking alone; he's really smart and I know he reads Icha Icha, too, because he said my flower arrangement was like 'the flower of ecstasy inside of you'; that's a phrase in the third book—"

"That pervert is talking about porn with you?" Shikamaru interjects dangerously. Choji nods in agreement. Ino can be a pervert by herself, but not with Sai. Sai is no good. He will hurt Ino and leave her alone. He cannot even understand she is into him right now. How will he understand to be the perfect man Ino needs? Ino deserves only the best.

"Shikamaru Nara and Choji Akimichi, don't you dare think you have control over what I do or who I do it with or where I do it! And don't think I don't know about what you've been doing for the last three years; it ends now!"

Oh no, Ino is using that tone. Shikamaru gulps and Choji's eyes widen. They sweat, awaiting to meet their doom. Well, it was a good plan while it lasted.

Status of Strategy No. 4: Failure. It is hard being someone's muse when your buffonish teammates make it their life's mission to keep you from having any love life. However, since she last laid down the law, Ino believes she's sufficiently cowed Shikamaru and Choji to the point where she can proceed without any further obstacles...