Cluck Cluck Cluck?

Summary: In which Law wakes up to find, of all things, a chicken in his bed.

Warnings: AU, ooc.

Disclaimer: .eceiP enO nwo ton od I

Chicken on my face, ouch, cluck, cluck, cluck!
-roo17

Law was a chronic insomniac. Meaning he didn't get very much sleep. Meaning that when he did fall asleep, he preferred to stay asleep as long as he could. And if, for some reason, he was woken up for a reason other than work, he tended to get a little…hostile.

"Hey, Law, sorry to wake you, but I was wondering where the soy sauce was. I've searched the entire house and I can't seem to find– Woah, what are you– PUT AWAY THAT SCALPEL RIGHT NOW!"

"Oi, Lawsy~ Wake up. Guess who's back from their business trip? Fufufu, go one, take a guess– …Law, put down that sword this instant."

"Oi, Torao! Get up already! You're gonna miss the festival– O-Oi, Torao, you can put the lamp down. T-Torao?! Gyaaaa! Are you crazy?! If that actually hit me that could have– Wh-What are you doing with the alarm clock? Wait, don't throw that– Are you trying to kill me?! I just came here to– DON'T YOU DARE HIT ME WITH THAT BASEBALL BAT!"

"Law, sorry, I know you love your sleep, but if you would be so kind as to help me in the kitchen, that'd be great. I don't want to accidentally start anything on fire again and– …Are you trying to threaten me with a hairbrush?"

But there were also times where Law was woken from his sleep and he had no idea how to handle the situation that'd been thrown at him. This story is about one of those times.

Trafalgar Law was used to waking up to odd situations. From having his blankets catching fire (Rocinante-san, could you please not set my furniture on fire?), to having food spread all over the bed (Luffy-ya, my bed is not a buffet table), to finding himself strung to his bed. (Doflamingo, what. the. hell?) He even once found himself with bottles of hot sauce surrounding him, though he never did get an answer from Sachi why he had woken up to that.

Yes, he was used to waking up to odd situations.

But this? This probably took the cake.

Law felt something resting between his legs. He knew right then and there that he would be waking up to something quite unusual. But the thought of actually waking up peeved him more than anything. It was his first time sleeping in little over a week and his body – and mind – desperately needed more than five hours worth of rest. However, curiosity pulled at his mind as he continued to lay there. What the hell was between his legs?

If it was another prank from Sachi or Ace, Law would personally kill them. A long, drawn-out, painful death. There were times and places for pranks to be pulled, in his bedroom while he was sleeping was not one of them. If was more food from Luffy, Law would throw the biggest hissy fit the straw-hatted teen would ever see. He was oh so tired of waking up to finding food and empty wrappers on his bed. If it was something left by Rocinante…Law could probably overlook it. Well, overlook it depending on whatever it was. If it was something from Doflamingo, there would be hell to pay. Oh yes, there definitely would be hell to pay.

He opted to ignore the item, choosing sleep over waking. Whatever it was could wait several more hours. …Then again, if it was something dangerous, it should probably be taken care of immediately.

So, with much reluctance, he cracked one eye open.

What he saw had him furrowing his brows in confusion.

It was a chicken. A normal, run of the mill chicken. It stared at Law with unblinking eyes, holding perfectly still as if it had been a deer caught in a pair of headlights. Law stared right back, his mind unable to process what it was that he was seeing. Neither moved, neither made a sound. Law moved his leg ever so lightly to the side, and the chicken's head did a small twitch to see what it was that caused the movement.

A live chicken was in his bed.

Not only that, but he could feel eggs underneath it.

Well shit.

He gave a groan, moving his leg once more. His leg, thankfully still under the blankets, earned a protective peck from the mother hen. A crazed look entered the fowl's eyes, and the bird was ready to cause hell if it meant protecting her eggs from a moving blanket. Law wasn't in the mood to deal with such a thing when he'd gotten so little sleep. He brought his hand up to his eyes as he gave a quiet curse, reaching over to his nightstand to grab his phone. Flipping it open, he speed dialed his guardian.

"Law? Are you alright?" Concern laced Rocinante's voice. Probably because he had received a threatening phone call from the surgeon about the lethal consequences that would follow if he were to be woken up. So getting phone call from Law when he was supposed to be sleeping definitely had him worried.

"Cora-san, there's a chicken on my bed." A moment of silence fell over the phone call, and Law almost nodded off before he heard his guardian speak up once more.

"…I'm sorry, I must have heard that wrong. Could you say that again?"

"I said there's a chicken on my bed," Law repeated, his voice thick with sleep. A large yawn escaped him, making his eyes lightly water. "Can you come over and remove it? I'm too tired to deal with this."

"U-Uh, yeah. Me and Doffy with be there in a moment."

"Thanks." And with that, he hung up. Letting his eyelids slip shut once more, he fell into a dreamless sleep.

Not ten minutes later, Law was awoken again by the sound something falling the kitchen. A twitch of a smile pulled at his lips. It sounded like Rocinante had tripped and brought a chair down with him. He heard his uncle's unique laughter follow after. A moment later, the bedroom door opened and he looked over to see his adopted father and uncle standing in the doorway. Doflamingo sported a light green t-shirt and pink swimming trunks that were patterned with flamingos. Rocinante wore swimming trunks that were black with red hearts and a black t-shirt. Atop his head was the familiar hood he always wore wherever he went. And on his back was his feathered coat that Law may or may not have secretly loved.

"Well, what do you know, there really is a chicken in his bed," Doflamingo mused, his eyebrows raising in mild surprise.

"How did it even get in here?" Rocinante asked, noticing that the bedroom windows were closed. It was a question that popped into Law's mind earlier, but he had yet to find the answer to it. "It looks like it's on some eggs."

"Do you want me to take care of this?" Doflamingo asked. "I'm pretty good at handling birds–"

"It's alright, I got this," the younger blond answered. The way Rocinante said it made Doffy want to burst into laughter. Oh, this should be interesting to watch. The younger blond pushed away from the doorway while Doflamingo leaned against the frame, his arms crossed and a smirk plastered on his face.

Rocinante approached the bed and stopped next to it, staring down at the chicken as it froze in its spot and stared up at him. And for a moment, they simply stayed like that. Rocinante would never admit that he actually felt a little uncomfortable under the chicken's intense, unblinking stare. No, he would take that to the grave because he'd rather die than admit a chicken of all things managed to get under his skin with a simple stare.

He broke eye contact first, giving a small cough into his fist before letting out a quick breath. Giving a nod, he reached forward slowly to pick up the chicken and carry it outside. However, mother hens have been known to be quite protective of their chicks and eggs. And this mother hen was no exception. It let out a long cluck as a warning as the blond's hand drew closer to her 'nest.' Rocinante hesitated a moment at hearing the fowl, but continued on a moment later. His son wanted this chicken gone so Rocinante would remove this chicken at any cost. Even if it costed him his life.

…Okay, maybe he was being a little dramatic. Like he'll he'd die because of a chicken. The mere thought of such a pathetic death for a Donquixote was laughable. A chicken couldn't be lethal, not unless it–

When Rocinante's hand got too close, the mother hen's eyes earned a near crazed look to them that made the blond suddenly gulp. She kicked into action a moment later. Her beak shot out quickly, pecking the blond directly on the spot between the forefinger and thumb. The blond pulled back his hand with a surprised yelp, causing Doflamingo to snicker from the sidelines. The younger blond caught the look Law had thrown his direction.

Amusement.

Damn it, Rocinante would not be mocked for letting a chicken get the best of him. No, screw that. This chicken was going down. He reached out with both hands to pull the chicken away, to rid this room of its presence once and for all. However, the chicken had other ideas.

Because in a moment of either motherly instinct or complete craziness, the chicken launched itself directly at Rocinante's face.

And thus the mighty battle began.

Feathers were flying everywhere, both from the chicken and Roci's coat, and the blond was flailing his arms in the air as he desperately attempted to remove the clucking bird from his face. Doflamingo's roaring laugher rose above the clucking and shrieking, and if Law hadn't been so tired he had no doubt he would have joined his uncle in laughing. It wasn't long before Rocinante tripped, falling to the ground on his back as the chicken remained glued to his face.

Once Doflamingo got his laughter under control, he calmly walked over to his flailing brother and bent down; reaching out and grabbing the mother hen with practiced ease to save his clumsy little brother from her wrath. The bird seemed to calm down in the elder Donquixote's gentle grip, and Law couldn't help but silently praise his uncle's skill when dealing with feathered creatures.

On the ground, Rocinante laid on his back gasping for air; his face littered with scratches from the chicken's claws. His brother's face came into sight, and he didn't fail the miss the amused grin stretching Doffy's lips. "What's wrong, Roci? I thought you said you got this."

Rocinante gave a growl and got to his feet, reaching over to the bed where the eggs rested between Law's blanketed legs. Without hesitation, he picked up a cracked one and turned towards his brother once more; a mischievous gleam in his crystal blue eyes. Doffy's eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses and a frown replaced his grin. "You wouldn't da–"

Doflamingo never did get to finish his sentence.

Because an egg was launched at his face by a very pleased Rocinante.

And this time, Law couldn't help the laughter that ripped from his throat.

It was a story that would be told for years, how the Donquixote Brothers were defeated by a very protective mother hen and her eggs.

A/N: I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO END IT. Sorry. Anyway, I got this idea from this: I sleep outside with my dad on a futon because our house was wrecked several months ago in a hurricane, and we have a LOT of chickens around our house thanks to neighbors dumping them here. Well one day, after my dad went to work, I was sleeping in bed when a chicken jumped onto the futon. This isn't the first time it's done that, so I lamely tried to wave it away because I was still really tired. But for some reason, the chicken thought it was necessary to WALK OVER MY HEAD to get off the futon. It was weird. Like, really weird. But this is where I got that idea.

Also, guys, my computer broke. I kinda dropped it..and it won't turn on…and the computer guy we take it to is on vacation for the next three weeks…so I won't be able to update Memory Trap or I Kinda…Panicked. I already have two chapters written out for Memory Trap and I really don't want to have to re-write them. So hopefully the documents on the computer will be saved. If not…well crap. Until then, I hope you guys don't mind little one-shots and/or drabbles. I'll even take a challenge if you want and I'll see if I can write it up. c:

Your shy ice elemental,
~»roo the psycho«