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More than Fear

The first time he notices Killian's weird behavior is during their family breakfast at the diner. Emma and Snow are occupied by little baby Neal blowing little raspberries, the newest thing he's learned how to do. Their cooing and aweing attract other ladies dining at the establishment to stop by their table. He turns his attention over to Killian to ask him about grabbing a pint at the Rabbit Hole after work when he finds the pirate anxiously drumming his fingers on the table, his attention elsewhere. When he says Killian's name to bring him back, he feels bad startling the poor guy sitting across the table from him. Killian flinches in his seat, causing him to bang his leg against the bar under the dining table. A loud curse escapes his lips and his ears redden in embarrassment for the whole diner grows quiet. Emma's attention is immediately diverted and she fusses over him. Once she's ascertained that he's alright, she teases Killian that she needs her 300 year old pirate in one piece.

-/-

The second time he notices it is when Emma leaves him and Killian in the living room to help out Snow with dinner. Though his attention is on the movie playing in front of them, he notices from the corner of his eye, Killian bouncing his leg in a frenzied manner as he sits on the couch.

He clears his throat to try and gain Killian's attention, not wanting to alarm him like he did last time.

"Killian, everything alright?" He hasn't heard anything to make him different from Snow. In fact, his wife revealed to him that Emma told Killian she loved him. Not exactly the type of information a father needs to know, but as long as Emma was happy, he was too.

The young man (Killian was hundreds of years older than himself, but was courting his daughter so young man he was) turned to face him, his eyes wide as saucers as he shook his head at him. "Aye, mate. Why do you ask?"

"Just checking that you and Emma are okay." He couldn't believe the words that just came out of his mouth. He only prayed that the pirate's words wouldn't scar him or make him lose his appetite.

"Mate, are you seriously asking me if me and your daughter are in order?" A teasing grin slowly unfurling on Killian's face, and David inwardly groaned. Thankfully, he was saved from that conversation by Snow calling them for dinner. He was sure that his poor wife was seriously confused for the passionate kiss he gave her as they got to the table; as well as the thank you he whispered into her ear as he pulled away.

-/-

The third time it happens is when Grumpy runs into their office telling them there's been an emergency. Emma quickly sprints in front of them and he claps Killian on the back as they make their way. He notices that Killian's back stiffens at the contact and he can't help but felt a pang in his heart that feels a lot like sadness- is this the start to losing a friend?

-/-

The fourth time he sees it sparks a revelation for David. The nervous glances, the jittering of his leg, the anxious drumming of his fingers, the nervous swallows- he's seen those before. Hell, he's lived through this before and he knows firsthand how hard it is to live a life like this. Constantly feeling the prickle of needles on the back of your neck, the feeling of having to always be on your guard, the feeling of an anchor dropping a heavy weight sitting at the pit of your stomach. And now he's pretty sure he knows why there's a flicker of fear followed by guilt that passes through Killian's eyes whenever David's in the room.

The next morning, he swings by the Jolly early, two to-go cups in hand, and yells out for Killian. He doesn't dare knock on the door- he doesn't need any more reminders that his daughter is sleeping there. Killian meets him up on the deck and he hands the sleepy pirate one of the cups. They settle sitting on opposite cargo boxes, neither of them taking a drink from their cups. One pensive in thought as to how he wants to begin the conversation, the other trying his best not to find a reason to bolt off the ship or scurry back downstairs.

"I'm going to tell you something I've never told anyone before. Not even Snow."

Killian looks up from staring at his cup, puzzled as to what the prince has chosen to reveal, especially what he's chosen to reveal to him.

"I used to have this nightmare- had it many nights that it started to feel real. We were back in the Enchanted Forest, in the castle, and I walk by Emma's room, or what would have been her room. Her crib's there- the unicorn mobile, the enchanted wardrobe- all of it, as if the curse never happen-as if I never had to give her up. And then Emma comes up to me, same age as she is now, and she tells me she's nervous because it's her first ball and she needs me to teach her how to dance." David looks over at Killian, a wistful look lingering in his eyes, before he continues to the more painful part of the story.

"We dance and no surprise, she's a natural like her mother." Killian smiles, remembering his dance with Emma back on their adventure in the Enchanted Forest. She truly was a natural- although hesitant in her steps at first, by the end of the night, her graceful glides and movement spoke as if she had been doing this her whole life.

"It's everything I wanted for her, right? But she reminds me that this isn't real. That she doesn't have this or any of it because I failed her. I failed her as a father. I couldn't protect her or save her and then I lose her- she slips right through my fingers and she's gone." The pain is evident in David's voice as he remembers placing Emma into that wardrobe twenty-something years ago.

"For a while, I didn't even want to sleep anymore because I knew that as soon as I closed my eyes, I would find myself back in that room again. Seeing the hollow look in Emma's eyes as she told me once more that I failed her, feeling like my throat was being squeezed tight by the guilt consuming me, and watching her disappear from me and I'm powerless to stop it. I can't protect her." David stops himself with a shaky breath, all of these feelings that he thought he had overcome and dealt with were evidently still weighing down on him.

"Dave-" Killian wasn't sure what to say- he truly felt for the prince. Much of what David had revealed struck a chord with Killian. Seems he and the prince carried with them similar wounds.

David put up a hand to stop Killian from speaking even more- he needed to get these words out, he needed to let Killian know that he understood.

"It was hard to be around Emma after that. Every time I saw her- I felt this sharp pang in my chest- a reminder that I failed- that I didn't keep the promise that I made to Snow to protect our family. The promise that I made to myself to do whatever it too to keep my family safe- to give them everything I could. And that now that I had her back, I would fail her again and lose her forever. But this time, I wouldn't be able to wake up from that."

David bowed his head down in shame before he softly continued, "I'm not going to kill you Killian and I'm sorry that my actions in that book have caused you to be nervous around me. I just want you to know that I understand. I know the feeling of having to always look behind your shoulder, the feeling of waiting for the next blow to come, even the feeling of guilt that comes after the fear."

Silence laid between the two, each of them stewing in their own thoughts until Killian softly spoke up.

"I know you're not going to kill me, Dave. It's hard because seeing you reminds me how I broke that promise- to be a survivor. The promise I gave to Emma, that she didn't have to worry about me."

Killian took a deep breath, the reality of what happened to him, spilling forth from his lips. "I died in that blasted book. As I felt the sword go through me, the pain etched on my face wasn't from that blow. It was from the pain I felt coursing through my heart that was threatening to consume me whole. In that world, I didn't know who Emma was- she and Henry were mere strangers who quite literally stumbled into my life one day. It felt like I knew them, but i couldn't place where or how. The sadness in Emma's eyes haunted me even though I didn't know her or even what I was to her. I recognized that look though- it was the show of pain from being left behind, of losing someone. It wasn't until after we woke up from our entrapment that I realized that I failed her- I couldn't keep the one thing I promised her. It's the one thing I'm good at-surviving. But, I'm terrified that in this world, I'll fail her as well."

"You won't fail her." David's encouraging words put a smile on Killian's face. He understood what Killian was trying to say- the wound too fresh to completely reopen, but perhaps the healing process could now start, for both of them. He could have easily asked Killian for more details, but it wasn't necessary.

"And you won't lose her." Killian looks over at the prince, both of their hearts lightened from these dark thoughts that consumed their souls. He silently nods, thanking the prince for sharing with him- for trusting him with that information.

David tentatively puts his hand out, and Killian shakes it, both of them reaching a new level of understanding between the two. Killian raises his cup to David's, "Cheers?"

"Cheers."

(And with that, the two shared their first of many early morning life chats, goat milk being their drink of choice for such occasion.)