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Pure as Untrodden Snow

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Summary: Yuuki wonders how far she must run to escape the ones who chase her in her dreams.

Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Knight or its characters.

Note: Companion piece to 'Blessing of the Damned'. The lines are taken straight from the manga, but inconsistencies between translators may make the words slightly different from what you readers might be familiar with.

Was initially small (aren't all of them in the beginning?). I re-read the manga to be sure I got canon right. But every scene I read, my inner voice said, "I have to include that!". So yeah, here you go.

...

They shelter her because they think she is pure.

No, she is not, and she had not been since she was five and looking wide-eyed at a scary milky-skinned man with teeth as long and sharp as knives.

Even her name, 'Yuuki', is a testament to that belief. Snow, or gentle princess, both implying pure and untouched beauty, are not things Yuuki identifies herself with easily. Snow brings memories of stormy nights and unbridled terror, of abrupt encounters with the dark side of life and a brush with death itself. Princess reminds her of the disparities between her status and that of the one she reveres.

But still, her beloved adopted father gave her the name, and so she loves it.

Kaname likes it too, because he calls her 'Yuuki', without any formalities or honorifics, in the calm, gentle, melodious voice only he possesses.

"He is evil, Yuuki", Zero protests, because his world is black and white rather than red and grey (snow-grey, storm-grey, pale skin and white fangs and black rescuer and red snow). Zero, for all his horrific experiences with vampires, cannot distinguish between those of good intentions and those of indiscriminate thirst.

Yuuki knows evil.

She knows what evil vampires are capable of, courtesy of first-hand experience. Yuuki has been hunted by a monster and saved by one who the vampires themselves consider monsters. Is it so confounding that she admires the noble ones who restrain their base instincts, to acknowledge those who resist those deadly impulses?

Yuuki remembers a young, trembling Zero pointing a knife at Kaname-sama, remembers the fear and hatred radiating from him in waves. She remembers a vampire in the snow, preying on a helpless, frightened child, and thinks, all he needs is to see Kaname's goodness for himself.

Regardless of Zero's opinion, Yuuki will always be indebted to (her) Kaname-sama. Adoration flurries in like the rushed arrivals out of concern for a small, lost, confused child. Devotion comes with annual birthday (savior-day) visits and presents and smiles warmer than the silken shawls and hot cocoas they share during their winter-day together. Love creeps, slowly and softly before she realizes it.

The girls of the Day class admire Kaname from afar, simply for his looks and charm. Yuuki knows what Kaname should be admired for - for having power beyond what humans could imagine, but still protecting weak five year olds in the snow.

...

"My brave, courageous Yuuki", her step-father keeps telling her, so proud that Yuuki is so accepting of Kaname and the Night class despite her near-death as a child.

"I will not let my bad experience define me", she promises. It's simple, really; she has Kaname-sama to protect her; she is no longer afraid.

A well-meaning platitude; her step-father is full of those. And an unintentional falsehood, just like her response. For how to forget the blood that tarnishes her memories like it tarnished the snow that fateful night?

Her lack of memory frustrates her; yet the things she remembers taunt her more.

"Are you lost, little girl? If that's the case, then can I drink your blood?"

When Zero pins her to the cool, antiseptic tile and sinks his fangs into her, she knows she should be scared; but she feels only relief. For so long the venomous fangs have haunted her dreams, visions of cold and shadow, of fear and endless running.

Zero is not that vampire, certainly; but she is still the hunted, and now that the fangs have finally broken her skin, she may be allowed peace.

...

Zero is both vampire and hunter, truly one of the grey. Yet his world is still black and white - vampires are evil creatures, and hunters destroy them. He is a hunter, even if he is a vampire, and he tries kill himself for being the latter, because he is the former. He is evil, even as he fights evil, and that fuels his desire to kill himself.

She fears for him, even as she fears him.

...

Maria Kurenai is a mystery; but a familiar face is mystery more. Ichiru is so unlike Zero and yet so similar, broken fragments of a single existence (Yuuki does not know till later how tragically right she is).

Ichiru, she thinks, is truly in the grey; a sharp contrast to his black-and-white twin. A weak, lonely child in the midst of harsh world, trapped in a delicate balance of power. Suffering, and saved by a vampire princess.

She wonders if his gratitude evolved into love over the years, just like hers has. She watches the second twin out of the corner of her eyes, but she does not have the courage to ask if happiness can be found in loving a pure-blood, whether committing everything to Lady Shizuka was worth Zero's pain.

Ichiru's story is so close to her own, that she cannot help the kindred she feels. Zero does not approve, but she tries her best to make his brother feel welcome anyway.

…

Kaname offers an eternity with him, and Yuuki repays him with tears.

It is a heavy question, one with consequences that would last for literally forever. Yet, the answer is not so hard, when she looks into her heart and acknowledges where he dreams lie. The fear she feels is of the unknown; not fear of Kaname.

"Yes" she whispers, closes her eyes, feeling his hot breath and listening to the slow beat of his heart above hers. Yet, the fangs poised at her neck retreat, and Kaname apologizes for scaring her.

Rushing off to say goodbye to Yori, Yuuki wonders why he withdrew. But I said yes…

…

Burning papers, freezing skin, and electrifying fear.

Yuuki cannot move, cannot run; pinned just as effectively as if the fangs of her memories are within her skin and not before her face. Memories of a child, incapable of coherent thought, only terror, and a desperate need to escape before some unknown bad thing happens.

The record goes up in flames, and her scream echoes eerily in the silent library. Zero and the association president come rushing in, but the only tangible account of her past is already in ash, grey-black like soot on snow.

...

Yuuki shatters, and wakes up as someone else. Memories flood back, memories so alien and strange she cannot believe they belong to herself.

Kuran Yuuki, beloved daughter of Kuran Haruka and Kuran Juuri; and fiancée of Kaname Kuran.

Fiancées, and monsters.

Her thirst is overpowering; she can see every vein on Kaname's neck and feel the blood flowing beneath that delicate skin. She attacks him with reckless abandon, and gorges herself on a feast so sweet she cannot understand how she survived so long without it.

Distantly, she wonders if her transformation would change her nightmares. Genealogically, at least, she is a monster herself; in fact, she is of the highest class of monsters the class which even monsters fear.

The man in her dreams (the one from that fateful night, Zero, Kaname, whoever it is now) should not inspire terror anymore, should he? Now knowing that she is capable of tearing apart that predatory smile and drenching the snow in the blood of her attacker (or brother, or fiance, or both).

…

The roof is a battlefield, and Yuuki's reawakened vampire blood thrums with the excitement of the hunt. She feels a surge of pure rage at Zero, for engaging her prey. At the same time, she is furious with Rido for threatening Zero.

Contradictory feelings apt for a world turned upside down...

As soon as it comes, her anger fizzles out. She has never been very good at rage, desperate as she is to find silver linings in her (fake, unreal, blood-bought) life.

Yuuki the kind, they say, Yuuki the compassionate (the princess, the angel... all pointless names). Yet she finds her attitude more apathy than compassion, her willful blindness and blasé acceptance of everything only causing hurt and pain in the long run.

Forgiveness hurts more than anger, and love is more cruel that any hate.

Secretly, she wonders whether it is wrong to feel sorry for Rido and his twisted, unrequited love.

...

Apparently, they are leaving Cross Academy. As Yuuki later finds out, the death of Rido at Yuuki and Zero's hands is not the only, or even the most significant death, to have occurred on that fateful night.

Strange that Kaname had not thought to mention that until they are at the very gates of the Academy.

Kaname-sama is a kind vampire. Yet, it takes a lot of fortitude to kill several known (prominent) acquaintances in cold blood. Yuuki killed the man who took her parents and Kaname from her, and yet the mere memory of the dead man's touch makes shivers wrack her frame. Kaname has several such deaths to his name; yet he is unshaken as stone.

Yuuki cannot bring herself to admire him for it.

(As always, Yuuki puts aside the things she does not wish to dwell upon. She does not ask about the Council, and Kaname does not tell her why. It is better this way, she tells herself.)

She feels uprooted. Cross Academy and its little adjoining hamlet are all she has even known - at least in her human memories. She is travelling in a blacked-out car with no knowledge of duration or destination. The tinted windows show nothing of the journey, only reflecting her inhuman face and all its hidden imperfections. The (shrouded) future is full of possibilities, yet a cautioning voice whispers in her head, there will be repercussions of what you did today.

But still, she has Kaname. What firmer anchor does she need?

...

Yuuki has changed, become an immortal being with blood as powerful as her Artemis, and her nightmares have changed accordingly. The fangs still haunt her, but the face is Rido's, and Juuri's blood-stained corpse mocks her from the shadows, reminding her how costly her fleeting human happiness was.

They say Yuuki is pure, kind, and compassionate. Even (especially) those closest to her; they believe Yuuki incapable of anger, jealousy and ugly emotions. But they don't know that Yuuki feels rage and despair just like them, and turns it into self loathing, till she truly believes it is all her fault, if only she were stronger, smarter...

…

Once more hidden in her family house, wandering empty corridors bereft of visitors and warmth. At least this time she has Aidou for company.

(Before, she had her parents. But both of them died for her, died to protect their little piece of innocence. Before, she had Kaname.)

She and Kaname are finally together again... yet Kaname is more absent than he has ever been, even when he was a class and a world away...

Yuuki searches her memories for Juuri. She remembers craving a mother's love, seeing families in town and hearing other Day Class girls talk about shopping trips with their mothers. She now has – had – a mother who loved her more than her own life; yet all she recollects are baking cookies with Chairman Cross, sunny days and snowy firesides nights, and mellow evenings reading to Zero while he corrected her pronunciation.

(She refuses to think of the clarity of her nightmares; of blood on the floor, thick hair hindering her vision, clothes wet with something thick and dark, a prone body pinning her down and where is Kaname?)

Vampires drink blood. They do not bake cookies. They do not frolic in the sun, for it burns their skin. The before of the before is not so bright, or beautiful, as the before she remembers. Yuuki is very good at forgetting what she does not want to remember.

…

There is a before, and there is an after.

The before has a before too, but that is a tragedy she does not wish to think about.

The before is a human girl named Yuuki Cross, sweet and earnest and shy in love, the adopted daughter of a school principal.

Yet that before is a lie, for the school principal is a former vampire hunter and his adopted daughter is pure-blood Kuran Yuuki, powerful and dangerous, and please let the love not be a lie too…

She shakes her head to rid herself of such ridiculous thoughts. Yuuki knows now that her love is not unrequited. She and Kaname are destined to be together till eternity, and yet she has never felt so lonely.

Her throat burns, and dimly she registers walking down unfamiliar corridors and slurping stale blood off her slit wrists. She remembers wistful dreams and vivid apparitions, and beneath it all, the dull throb of her blood, right there but of no use, as the blood she craves is of another's (two anothers) and is not so easily attained.

She remembers embarrassing stomach grumblings, from a simpler, sweeter time. She remembers drooling over pastries with pretty icing and chilled lemonade on lazy days.

She is still so very young (the youngest pureblood, the Kuran princess), but already she feels she has lived for an eternity. Two lifetimes – one stolen from her mother – but both lives of happy strangers, so different from the passive, indifferent existence she is now.

(Stop being such a wimp, Zero would say, stoic and unimpressed as always. Are you a vampire, or a zombie?)

Her hunger now is so different from then. When the thirst overtakes her, she screams, for Kaname, for Zero, for anything to sate the venom in her enzymes and the fire in her body.

She is powerless against it, and it makes her feel weak (weaker than she already is, and that is saying something).

She can't help feeling a little envious of Rido. To love someone so deeply, that the feelings linger beyond the loved one's death, that that special person's name is the last word on dying lips and the last happy thought to carry to the afterlife (if such a thing even exists for her kind).

Yuuki wishes that she loves Kaname like that. Kaname is not demonstrative in principle, but she knows there is nothing he wouldn't do, hasn't done, for her. The fact that she cannot reciprocate hurts her almost as much as the fire eating away her insides.

Yuuki had claimed to love Kaname, back when she was human and naive. She had admitted feelings of affection for Zero; though what kind, she herself did not know. She had had silly teenage ideas of 'like' and 'love' and had wallowed in them with no clue how they would actually be.

But this is different; this unquenchable thirst, this desire to sink her fangs into them and partake in their emotions, their memories, to take into herself all that makes them them and to claim their life energy for her own.

It is not a pleasant feeling, and it only adds to her shame.

...

She is just a dolled up thing on Kaname's arm, inconsequential in all but blood. And oh, how she feels it.

The youngest pureblood, they call her, marvelling her Kuran features (Juuri's face, Juuri whom Rido had loved, Juuri who died to give her a new life) in awe and blood lust. But she feels the undercurrents of their thoughts; the youngest, a mere child, with no knowledge of our world and our dangerous politics.

Kaname clearly thinks so too, since he watches over her protectively, ready to step in when anyone goes too far.

She does not deserve it, and it festers guilt rather than reassurance. And at the same time, a spark of anger. Does Kaname not think that she should be informed of his plans? Do her opinions not matter beyond the colour of her outfit and the shape of her nails?

But she tries not to resent; she knows she is ignorant of the darkness of vampires' minds, of centuries of plotting and changing alliances. It is clear that Kaname is the centre of the watchful ones' fear, while Yuuki is the object of their greed.

Meeting Yori is like a gift from the gods. Hugging her friend in the midst of the gala, Yuuki is abruptly reminded of her place in the world. She is a naive hopeful adolescent struggling to maintain her station in a political circle of centuries-old double-crossers who were literally out for her blood.

She misses her old life. She misses Yori. She misses Chairman Cross. She misses being prefect and running errands and riding horses in the sun.

(She misses Zero. The tingle from where she touched his arm takes ages to fade. The thumping of his pulse under her fingers brings unbidden venom to her fangs. She misses her Zero so, so much.)

…

Dead people, Yuuki thinks morosely, make terrible guests.

The stench of dirty blood is pungent on her sensitive nose, and the bite marks on the deceased hunter's neck draw her eyes no matter how much she checks herself. It is still favourable to meeting Zero's accusing gaze.

"I will definitely find whoever did this." she declares determinedly, fisting her hands in her excessively expensive gown. It is a solemn vow meant to mend ties between vampires and hunters, for the perpetrator is clearly an enemy to both.

"Stay out of this. This isn't something to pay with."

Zero's words are biting, cutting deep into her fears and insecurities, but she wills herself to fight back nonetheless. "I know that! I am no longer Yuuki Cross who didn't know anything about the world and had no power to do anything. If something… if something bad is happening, then I will take action to protect my loved ones, definitely."

"Yuuki. You should get back to your room before the scent of blood affects you."

Kaname's venom-laced warning hurts more than Zero cold dismissal. If she is so cherished by Kaname, then why do her words and actions have no value?

A moment debating disobedience; then she backs down. She may no longer be Yuuki Cross, but what does Kuran Yuuki, the little pure-blood princess, know about matters of vampires and hunters? (despite loving both…)

…

Yuuki is profoundly glad that Shiki takes after his mother in appearance.

In the hustle of welcoming her first guests and seeing to their comfort, Yuuki forgets Shiki's origins and manages a joyful reunion.

The message from Ichijou-san is less cheerful, but it is very true, to extents which Yuuki is still discovering. I know it's not always easy, but please take good care of Kaname.

Yuuki is still mulling on the words when Rima reminds them of the house and its ties to Shiki. The memory of that faraway occurrence on the rooftop brings an abrupt halt to Yuuki's flustered chatter, replacing excitement with regret.

"See you around, cousin."

Shiki does not grudge her for what she did; and Yuuki marvels at his forgiveness. Yuuki still cannot forgive herself for killing her mother.

The meeting puts Kaname on edge, and Yuuki suspects that he no longer trusts Shiki despite his declared loyalties. Yet, for all her cowering in front of her irate fiancé, Yuuki's heart feels much lighter from the encounter.

…

Kaname hates vampires, she finds slowly and with growing horror.

Specifically, he hates pure-bloods, for the damage they have wrought on the world through their unending existence.

He loathes himself, denounces his achievements just as he takes the burden of the pure-bloods' follies on his own head. Kaname is a born leader, but he is not solely responsible for the crimes of vampires of his rank. Yuuki cannot understand his dislike for pure-bloods when he shows no particular desire to protect humans.

It is almost as if he is trying to protect Yuuki from himself…

It is so ironic that Kaname and Zero share this one similarity, this one indelible facet of personality which all Yuuki's adoration and unconditional acceptance cannot overcome. They think her pure, and her 'innocence' make their flaws all the more obvious to them. (It does not matter what she thinks).

If he hates pure-bloods, does he hate Yuuki too?

…

Kaname's revelation adds more questions than it answers.

He is seeking some sort of approval, or denouncement, from her. She does not know what to do, so she settles for understanding his story and not bombarding him with queries about matters he clearly values but does not wish to share.

It does not matter to her, whether he is an ancient or her brother. The most important thing she gleans is what she wondered all along – that Kaname hates pure-bloods and considers them a blight on the world. But how far would he go (to what levels would he sink) for his convictions?

She strokes his hair, in consolation and reassurance, and he laps it up like the blood he licks from her skin. All the while, she ponders.

If he is her ancestor, does that mean he is her great-great-great grandfather, or something of that nature? Was there some other woman in his life? Was it the hooded lady?

And finally, what does Kaname want in his life?

…

Why?

Lord Aidou's body is dust, and Kaname has left her, for real now; to achieve whatever obscure goals could warrant justifying so many murders.

She shudders. Murder. Such an ugly word. So unfit for Kaname, kind gentle Kaname who loved her and she loved back.

(The use of past tense is instinctive, just as instinctive as the hurt and anger and confusion that blossom every time her eyes land on the one she left everything behind for but who keeps leaving her…)

Murderer. But then, so is she. Of all the things she aspired to be as a guileless human teenager, never could she have imagined such violence attached to her.

...

Kaname kills pureblood after pureblood, and Yuuki doesn't know what to think anymore.

Whever she looks there is hatred and suspicion for the kindest, noblest and most considerate vampire, no, person, in the entire world. Even Kaname's most loyal supporters show the seeds of doubt on their faces, foolishly believing she needs reassurance and only failing to convince themselves.

Yuuki knows that her Kaname-sama is a good vampire who saved a lost child trembling in the snow. But that too, is an implanted memory... then what else is worth being real?

...

She has reinstated the Night class, and it is therapeutic to finally be doing something again, instead of standing on the sidelines and letting events overwhelm her. No matter that she is merely stepping into Kaname's shoes, persevering, trying to hang on to the little that she has that is purely the Kaname she remembers and not the Kaname that people discuss in hushed whispers and uneasy glances.

Cross Academy is bright, vibrant and cheerful. Yuuki is relieved to be home again; though she mourns that so much has changed.

She daydreams of picnics in the shade and shadowy trysts in empty corridors, whispered reassurances and contradictory warnings and a feeling of tragic yet fated love. She wonders if Kaname's memories are all as happy as hers.

Yori is as brave and cheerful as ever, but there is a maturity in her bearing and thought, an understanding borne of seeing things not meant for the carefree. She admires the confidence, and tries not to envy Yori's calm.

She has gained a fiancé, but lost a father. As the head of the Night Class, Yuuki must stand as Kuran Yuuri, as the leader and representative of her kind. She cannot be Yuuki Cross any longer. Yet Kaien Cross still treats the Kuran princess with the same affection as his former daughter; and for that she is immensely grateful.

If only the same could be said of her adopted brother. Zero's silence is icy, his politeness jagged and forced and so unlike the rude banter she is used to.

She mourns the demise of her friendship (sibling-ship? Romance?) with Zero, even though she is grateful for the distance. Her resolve does poor battle with her thirst, and she needs (to prove her faithfulness to) Kaname.

So many memories... that field, where the horse unseated her and made her land on her butt, that roof, where she became a vampire (again), that roof, where she and Zero teamed together to kill Rido...

She tells herself that she did the right thing, because Rido killed her parents (lies, it was Yuuki who killed Juuri; the entire fault was Yuuki's) and Kaname could not do what she did because of the restrictions of ancient magic.

Still, she still took a life. Nothing can change that fact, and her sin haunts her. Bitterly, she thinks, and they call her pure all the same.

...

Yuuki feels vague unease when Sara's entourage encroaches into her tight knit group. Perhaps her pureblood nature finds Sara a threat to her authority and dominance (hardly, Yuuki is always meek). Sara is a natural leader, charismatic, non-confrontational, and is not doing anything wrong. It is just the whole aura she gives off - danger hovers in the air like her blood scented perfume.

Yuuki remembers being human, and envying Sara for being the ideal match to Kaname. Is her heart telling her that Sara is a threat to whatever she and Kaname have- or is it 'had'?

...

Yuuki knows what Kaname has done. She knows.

Yet she is wholly unprepared and entirely betrayed by Kaname's casual attempt to kill Zero.

She cannot move. She cannot think. Only scream in her head, her feelings for Zero rearing their ugly head at this time when Kaname has finally appeared before her, when she should be demonstrating her intention to stay by his side and pull him out of darkness, rather than standing dumb as a statue and hesitating to take sides.

It is even worse when Ruka is the one to take the blow. At least Zero is trained for it, and stubborn enough to shrug off the hardest of hits, his Bloody Rose eager to return the favour.

"You have betrayed me, Ruka." The words are sharp, and yet the understanding look they share says something entirely different. Kaname-sama is freeing Ruka from her attachment to him – from her complex web of love and duty tainted with rejection – so she can welcome Kain's love without regrets.

Yuuki is aware of this; and yet it rankles that Kaname seems to show everyone the way to move ahead and yet gives her no clues on what he expects of her. His plans are dark and dangerous and he wishes to keep her safe; she understands this, she is not naive, and yet...

"Take care of Ruka, Yuuki."

Who will take care of you?

Who will take care of me?

Anger surges through her veins in tandem with the thirst. They were meant to be together, forever; that is what he had promised. Her ire fuels her movements; she crosses the distance in a sprint, grateful that her limbs are finally working. Kaname is already turning, so Artemis swings neatly to rest on his neck and pin him to her.

"What is 'her will' that has compelled you to go this far to accomplish it?"

Yuuki likes the hooded lady; truly she does. She admires the Ancestor's determination to protect the innocent and her love for humans despite her alienation from the close-minded village-folk.

Yuuki likes the ancestor; but she does not like the legacy that person has left Kaname, or the martyr tendencies she seems to have inspired in Yuuki's beloved.

Yuuki is tired of naively believing in Kaname's indecipherable plans; if Kaname does not heed her voice, she will use Artemis to ask.

"After you catch me, what will you do, Yuuki?"

Yuuki doesn't know the answer; there is no time to think before the chains come crashing down and Kaname is pushing her out of danger; all she has left of him is a bloody detached hand.

It is a resolution, but also a petty revenge; cutting off her hair. It feels symbolic to her fanciful soul, something to cement her resolve towards her spur-of-the-moment alliance with Zero.

She remembers cutting her hair before high school, to put aside the past and her affections for Kaname. She prays this effort is not as futile and fleeting as the last.

...

"Get caught by me obediently, Kaname."

She prays she looks as bold and intimidating as her words are trying to portray. She is pushing all her resolve and determination into her actions, to do this one thing seriously and properly. She is trying to be the confident, brave leader who Kaname used to be, trying to exude the aura of protection he gave off in waves when he was Kaname, head of Night Class rather than Kaname, pure-blood exterminator.

She remembers the last time she and Zero fought together seriously. The comparison is hysterically ludicrous – and painfully eye-opening. Only this time, Kaname is the villain instead of Rido.

It is different, she reminds herself (again and again till she believes it). Kaname has only been painted as evil; he is a kind vampire; even if he has gone too far, even though he has killed innocent people and even harmed his own band of loyal followers.

The thought of killing Kaname makes her nauseous.

Judging by the ease with which Kaname disarms and pins her down, she has failed on both counts. Confidence and determination are no substitute for skill, and is she even trying…..

"So your embodiment is a butterfly…"

Again, that tendency to call her pure and innocent and praise her for it, all the time ignoring the fact that she is weak and unfit and incapable of achieving the wavering goals she sets for herself.

She feel relief at Zero's collected comeback, and even Sara's goading cannot shake her. She tries to reason with Kaname – her big mistake, though she cannot muster a shred of regret.

"Do you really think that Sara is a pure-blood who should be allowed to live?"

His question is completely unexpected, and the hesitation it creates costs her deeply. She is distracted by the weapon-parent bursting out of the Association headquarters; she cannot stop Kaname from approaching the heart of the chaos.

"I will succeed you, so…"

The ghostly embodiment of the Ancestress subsides, with one last caress of Kaname's face. The parent's rampage halts, soothed by Kaname's gentle words; the tendrils crumble like the building around them.

Yuuki rushes to her beloved, only to clutch at empty air while his bats fly out of her reach.

Kaname's question taunts her even after he is long gone. She did not want Sara to die. Yet, she feels relief, even as she mourns the passing of the spider queen.

She threatened Kaname. If that is not reason enough to hate Sara, then what is?

But Sara was bold, independent; she chose her own fate in a bloody political world where strength was power and everyone had hidden agendas. Sara let no one else dictate her fate, and did not bind herself to anyone; not like Yuuki who uses both Kaname and Zero as crutches to survive…

New blood tablets must be made, Kaname must be found and stopped (but not killed, Yuuki knows she cannot, will not…), and there is much havoc to sort out. She is glad for the work; it helps sort out her complicated feelings.

...

Drinking away Zero's memories feels both exhilarating and terrifying. It is for him, so he can continue life without her shadow burgeoning his thoughts, but also for her, so she can commit everything to Kaname, to give her life to turn him human.

As Zero thrashes wildly and struggles against her, she wonders whether love and pain are synonymous. The kaleidoscope of Zero's memories certainly seem to attest to that.

Maybe it is a vampire thing, not just a Yuuki thing. She doubts it though; Haruka and Juuri lived quite happily before she came along.

...

Kaname's heart feeds the furnace with the depths of his love. For Yuuki, her tentative happiness comes crashing down like the crumbling walls around them.

Even in the end, she couldn't do anything for him.

A costly mistake on her part; believing her love would be enough to pull him from the brink and keep him from taking up the mantle of the ancestor (woman) he admired (loved?).

Even as heartbreak and tears pour like Kaname's blood on her clothes, she cannot escape the sting of hurt. He says he loves her, but not enough to stay with her? (Eternity is a long, long time. He should understand the loneliness better than anyone.)

She feels guilty. She knows how exhausted, how broken Kaname is. She needs him, but he needs to be at peace, to sacrifice himself as atonement for crimes he does not regret and would commit again a hundredfold if it meant keeping Yuuki safe.

His love is so, so twisted.

So is hers.

She loves both Kaname and Zero, and in the end, she could do nothing for either. She pulled out Zero's memories so she could devote herself to Kaname; yet even that was a failure - Zero remembers. (She took a decision, but now Kaname takes a decision as if that didn't matter. It is unfair she doesn't understand.)

She wonders, bitterly, why she can never do anything right.

"You should be together. I want you to be together."

It is unfair, Yuuki thinks, that he reveals his plans only in the ultimate moment; when there is no time to ask all the questions bursting in her chest.

She finds it hard to believe that he intended for her to be with Zero all along. How cruel, to be shown a glimpse of life with her beloved – her first love, her first everything, her whole world – only to have him sacrifice it all for her.

...

She runs, as if by escaping the scene she could escape reality. Kaname's heart is now permanently out of her reach, though not in the manner she had imagined as she pined for him during her human years.

She finds herself at the entrance, facing the combined might of the hunters and the replacement council. Emotions run rampant in her heart, which feels crushed like Kaname's even as it beats erratically within her ribcage.

Anger. Pain. Despair.

They are mocking her, cursing her family. Her family. Haruka, Juuri and Kaname, all of whom sacrificed themselves for her.

It is a split-second decision; to join Kaname in death if they could not be together in life. She steels herself, holds back the tears that hover behinds her eyelids; readying her scythe, only to have it disintegrate into pieces.

Blood Rose explodes into bloom around her, and Zero's eyes say, I won't let you run away anymore.

The politics is left to those who actually know it, rather than the play-acting Yuuki managed in her few short months out of isolation and back into the world she no longer recognizes.

Kaien Cross offers support, soft-spoken and gentle as the Chairman she knew, rather than the hunter she has come to see him as. A rush of affection for her father figure finally gives her the courage to face the inevitable. Still, she drags her steps, dreading the visit.

The others are paying their final respects to Kaname, who is encased in ice by Aidou's magic.

It is all so unbelievable, that Yuuki is torn between laughter and tears. Since Kaname is frozen, he can't run away, and she doesn't have to chase after him anymore. She can see him anytime she likes, though his blood would forever be tantalizingly out of her reach.

If only she has the courage to actually stand in his presence.

Yuuki sequesters herself in an adjoining room, trying to find her resolve, to accept the irrevocability of Kaname's choice and this cataclysmic, upheaved (empty) world her has left behind for her (presented her, with his heart on a platter).

Zero is the first to disturb her solitude. Predictably, he is not one to beat around the bush.

"Say that you'll go with me."

Yuuki longs to lash out; how can Zero ask such a thing when Kaname collapsed (not died; she is not ready to face that circumstances yet) only a few hours previously?

The tears finally fall, all pent-up emotions freeing themselves from her closed, unwilling mind. Her body goes limp in Zero's embrace, but she does not push him away.

She is so glad that it is all over, that she isn't alone anymore. There is so much guilt; could she possibly die of it?

...

She does not have nightmares anymore.

(Artemis crumbling in her hands, the council and its puppets, the hole where Kaname's heart had been-)

Yet, her nights are not often peaceful. The dead come visit her, the purebloods she could not save and the level E vampires specifically recruited for her extermination.

She does not fear them.

If she fears anything, it is how their fangs could be running in another's memories, much like in her brief innocent period of humanity.

(The prospect of she could have lost terrifies her the most. She still has Yori and Chairman Cross and Zero and Aidou and so many more. Yet she longs for the one who sacrificed himself to make it all possible. And they say Yuuki is pure and selfless...)

No, Yuuki does not have nightmares anymore, does not wake up shivering and shaking and screaming for someone, because her rational mind says that there is nothing to fear.

(Chasing away the nightmares with willpower isn't particularly effective. Yuuki's will has never changed anything, neither Kaname's plans nor Zero's stubbornness.)

Lying isn't her strong suit either, is it?

…

Yuuki likes this Zero, she realises.

This Zero is greyer than ever before, unable to hate the vampire that gave him both Yuuki and the means to protect her; even if Zero had been nothing but a puppet to Kaname's strings. This Zero mourns fallen vampires and feels revulsion for the hunters who side with the council.

This Zero is hardened by loss rather than revenge, and softened by the desire to protect rather than avenge.

This Zero shows a lot of the twin he consumed, of Ichiru's calmness and inner strength; and there is so much understanding where never before.

...

Yuuki's thirst is completely quenched only when her first child is born. Her baby is so beautiful (so like Kaname), so perfect in every way she isn't. Yuuki is in awe of what she has created; she has finally done something right.

She returns Zero's love. He does not grudge the part of her heart that shall always belong to Kaname, only tries to love her enough to compensate for the other's absence (both her lovers have done that, it seems). Every day is filled with new wonders, till her heart is bursting with joy (if she pulls it out of her body, would she feel nothing?). She is happy with her children, happy enough for them, and for Kaname too, she thinks.

Aidou's cure works wonders, and is taken up on such a large scale that humans need fear vampires no more. Zero has passed away peacefully, and both her precious children have consumed the cure and are living a peaceful, wholesome life.

She is the last pureblood alive, and there is only one thing left to do.

I wish to give to you whom I love, the light that I saw when I was a human.

She performs the ancient magic, surrendering her life force to the prone lover in the coffin. Finally, she succumbs to oblivion, and stops running, for she had given blood and flesh and heart, till she had no more to give, and her nightmares can touch her no longer.

...

Yuuki has an inferiority complex. Even the Wiki admits it.

I'm not saying Yuuki is weak, just trying to give voice to her self-doubts. It's just... with everyone protecting her and insisting on protecting her and committing mass-murder to protect her... humble Yuuki would feel like she didn't deserve it, right?

Don't get me wrong, Kaname's my favorite character... I just feel he's a bit controlling and wants everything and everyone to go along with his wacky plans. It was rather arrogant of him not to trust anyone with his whole plan. Keeping Yuuki in the dark didn't help either of them, in the end. And I hate how he dictated Yuuki's life from her clothes to her shoes.

Rido crops up a lot in this fic. As Yuuki's first and last intentional kill, I hypothize that she would ponder on him a lot.

I like putting a double 'u' in Yuuki. No idea why.

Shout-outs to magicdemi-god223 and Darth-Taisha for the lovely reviews on 'Blessing of the Damned'! You guys are awesome! Many thanks to cheshiregiggles for the fav! Hope you like this one too. Please tell me which parts were patchy and which were rushed; feedback always appreciated. Feel free to point out grammar mistakes!

IMPORTANT: 'Blessing of the Damned' is the Kaname-POV companion piece to this work, so I'd encourage all those who haven't read that to read it too.