Chapter 1: New Beginning

It took so long for me to recognize what I was feeling. Why I couldn't look at Edward and the others without feeling angry. I felt guilty at first; it hit me like a sucker punch to the chest just two years after I became a vampire.

It suffocated me, I felt so human when it hit because it reminded me of what I had once been and what I had given up.

The anger came next, the uncontrollable anger that had me leaving for days at a time with no explanation because I couldn't explain it. How could you explain wanting to hurt the very family that took you in as a seventeen year old girl? How could you explain wanting to hurt your own husband so intensely?

After the anger, there was regret. It had surfaced so easily that I felt sometimes like I was being choked, that feeling the way I did was Karma's way of reminding me of the price I paid for my so-called happiness.

I wasn't happy. The last time I was truly happy was during my human life - the life I gave up all rights to. It didn't stop me from wanting it, needing some connection with who I had been. I watched over those important to me - watched as my school friends grew and went to college before starting to settle down. I watched as my Dad wallowed and lost himself in his grief for me.

I could practically taste his emotions and how he was feeling from the deep distance between us. He was a mess; his emotions just made me regret my decision for this life even fiercer. I had never taken into account the feelings of those who I would leave behind: Jake, my Dad, Billy and my friends. I'd been selfish, only thinking of myself and the impact it would have on me.

I never once thought about the impact my 'death' would have on my Dad. I hadn't really thought my presence would be missed by him because he'd never really been around during my life. I couldn't have been more wrong. Everything I was told about being a Newborn vampire didn't apply to me and in a lot of ways, made this so much harder to bear.

I had control, I had my emotions and I was as much human in my emotions as I ever was. I sobbed tearlessly when I watched my Dad enter my old room one night and break down in tears. I listened with a heavy heart as he sobbed about the injustice of the world because I was his little girl and he'd never had enough time with me.

I listened as he blamed himself, when he felt that he should have fought harder for me in the divorce instead letting me go with Renee because he'd truly believed it was for the best.

That was the final straw for me. I put my face in my hands and sobbed until I heard movements. I looked up at the right time to see most of the La Push pack watching me, some human and some in wolf form, '"Bella?"' Seth Clearwater's voice whispered, as I stared at the pack. ''You're one of them,'' Paul Lahote snapped, as I stood up and slowly moved away.

''Why are you here?'' Sam Uley snapped harshly, his eyes briefly looking me over before his face softened slightly.

''I don't know. I just want it to stop.'' That simple sentence made the reality of what I really wanted clear. I had tried telling myself that I wanted this life - that I didn't want to end my existence. The sorry truth was; I did. I wanted to be dead, truly dead and for it to be over with.

''What do you want to stop?'' Sam asked, the slight pause at the end of his sentence making my mind up for me. He had almost called me Bella but had stopped himself because I'd lost the right to be called that. I wasn't the Bella they had known and they refused to call me the name of someone I no longer was.

''Will you… kill me?" I asked, wanting my miserable excuse of an existence to just end. "The Cullen's won't know and they won't bother to check here,'' I added quickly, the prospect of dying as I should have looking better by the minute.

My request had shocked them all into silence before Sam questioned, "Why?"

''I thought I knew what I was getting into, I thought of myself as so insignificant that surely me becoming a vampire couldn't make anyone miss or grieve for me. I underestimated my father's love for me like so many other things. I believed that because I only really came to know him in my late teens that he wouldn't miss me and... I was wrong.'' I explained, tears stinging the backs of my eyes but which would never fall.

Silence followed once I'd stopped talking. "Please? You may think that I am taking the coward's way out of the destruction that I have caused and in a way, I am. I left the Cullen's with no note or explanation because if I had, they would stop me from doing what I want. I want my final death and whether it be because you give it to me or I find a way to end myself, I will do so.''

I watched as they talked amongst themselves using eye contact and motions before Sam turned away from the others.

''It pains me to say this but we'll give you what you want. Maybe, just maybe, you'll be reborn and you'll learn from this life. I don't believe a lot of blame lies with you about the way things have ended, you could have fought harder against the Cullen's but what's done is done. I can't promise that your end won't be painful through.''

I nodded at Sam as I added, ''I can take the pain when it gives me what I want. Maybe I will be reborn and remember this life. Who knows? Thank you for everything,'' Those were the last words I uttered in my Vampiric existence before the wolves did just as I asked and ended me.

Author Note: Feelings on that chapter?