Guess what : I am still a thing that exists, and so is this fanfic! My sincere apologies but college, writer's block and sheer lazyness basically gangpiled me. I'm sorryyyyy!

To all of those who liked, thank you, I am glad that this was a pleasant read!

Regarding reviews :

Thank you for taking the time of commenting on this!

Celestia's Paladin : Thank you for your kind words, and yes this just smells crack from a mile away, does it not? I blame SCM, he's just that great.

Drinker : Duly noted. I have troubles with exposition, but I will do my best.

Guest : Good point. My justifications are a/ Nanoha sees herself as a cop first, and anything else afterwards, and b/ well...Screw this, it's crack and I admit it. I HAVE NO REGREEEEETS! The hyphens are how we frenchies write continued dialog. Yes I am French, feel free to add as many baguette and/or white flag jokes here as it pleases your mind. You're the reader after all, and it aint like I would know. Oh and good anonymous sir, I noted your point on title, gonna fix that whenever I can kick laziness out of my system.

With that said : USUAL DISCLAIMER GO!

This is fanfiction. The author, being a random bloke from the net and not related to either Terry Pratchett nor whoever owns MGLN, does not possess the right to anything. As a non-profit parody, this (whatever this is, even I am not truly sure of what I am writing. Please send help.), it is covered by fair use laws.

The author is not to be held responsible for any sort of anger, rage, madness, shipping envy or desire to summon a great old one to cleanse the world of man's madness you may feel after read this fic. If you feel the former, please do not throw your computer through your window. While suitably dramatic and cathartic, it would quite possibly hurt some random passerby who didn't deserve jack shit. Oh, and you'd have to buy a new one, I guess. And if you feel the latter, please retain control and deliver yourself to SCP foundation immediately for containment.

Well, guess I'm done here. In the precedent episode..

Nanoha Takamachi, new resident of Ankh-Morpork (City of One Thousand Surprises!), took down a vampire. (Non lethally, of course. Who the hell do you think she is!) This made Carrot, and in turn the City Watch, extremely interested. Glaring, puppy eyes and possible strains in relations in the near future happened. In the end, Nanoha being honest, devoted and a space cop (and capable of putting vampires of all things in their place) won against her being a space wizard (and quite possibly a tad too young) in Vimes' heart, and she was enrolled. After the minimal vital time for equipment, she went out on her first patrol, accompanied by a six feet and a half tall dwarf and a highly skeptical werewolf. Knowing narrative causality, shenanigans would obviously ensue.

"Okay Captain. You roped me into this, take responsibility. You're managing the damn field trip.

-You know, Angua, you should not speak of one of your coworkers like that.

-Carrot, she's a child! Just...Look at her, will you?

-Angua-san? Please do not worry for me. I did not reach the rank of Sergeant at home through nepotism. Disaster relief is a serious business, you know? Over time, I successfully lead fire squads, went in recon in a mined zone to rescue civilians, spearheaded fights to subdue Lost Logias...I've done my part, I promise!"

There was a beat.

"And what is a Lost Logia, exactly?

-Lost Logias are leftovers of ancient civilizations. They tend to be rather dangerous, some powerful enough to ravage planets by themselves."

Another silence, much longer this one as the two guardsmen apprehended the true meaning of innocent, matter-of-fact words.

"What.

-Is everyone in your world INSANE?

-Angua!

-No. It's...I just want to help."

The werewolf sighed and ruffled the brunette's hair.

"You're a good kid. Just...Stay behind us for now, okay? This city...It's dangerous. It does things to you."

As it turned out, letting Carrot manage a patrol was a much saner idea than letting him lead a date(1). He knew the city perfectly(2), knew all of its people (4), and he knew where to go to Do His Duty Efficiently. Overall, there was no better person to teach the newbie about being a cop in Ankh-Morpork (5), and no-one better to keep her safe. No one would dare to infract the law in front of Carrot.

Or so they thought. As it turned out, newcomer thieves were foolish enough to attempt to take a child hostage in front of the watch's captain. Too bad they really did not pick the right target. As she pulled out her Device, it started with laughter. Then screams. Then pleading.

"We're sorry! We're so very sorry! PLEASE GET HER OFF US!

-You've been a very BAD man, mister thief!"

Cue serial thwacking with Raising heart. Meanwhile, Carrot was watching curiously, and Angua was watching amusedly. Cut-me-own-throat-Dibbler came in, proposing "fresh corn heated until popped, with salt". The watchers bought some. They instantly regretted it.(8)

"Do you surrender?

-Yes! We surrender!We'll give back what we stole! We'll give to charity! Just stop, please!"

And so it happened. That night witnessed the first batch of self-delivering criminals, much to the Watch's surprise. And Carrot Ironfoundersson's patrol went on. From that point, there were less incidents, and more cordial greetings. Including some that were plain and outright bizarre to the youngest member of the group.

"Greetings Arney Swift-hands! Still in thieving?

-Aye. Got me a permit 'n all. Now the guild won't try and hang me by the feet anymore!

-That's a good thing. That would make your old mother very sad, after all!"

And it was left that way. Nanoha was still trying to process what happened when her professional reflexes took over and she activated her Device again, aiming for the sinister silhouette breaking in a home from a window. Carrot put a hand on her shoulder and nodded negatively.

"Stay out of this, lance-constable Takamachi. That's an assassin.

-Well isn't that the point, Captain? He's about to...

-Yes. And he's an Assassin. Got the legal rights to."

Carrot's voice was no longer cheery, but instead bitter and rather surprisingly sad. It was unnerving. Bad things tend to happen when Carrot Ironfoundersson was unhappy. His partner put a hand on his shoulder supportively and sighed.

"Kid, you have to realize something. I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and think that you used to live in a rather lawful place. Well, welcome to Ankh-Morpork, city of the one thousand damn surprises. And not all of them are good. Thieving is legal here when you have a permit. Same thing with killing. Oh, and don't even think of drinking the local water. The one good thing out of it? Assassins have honor, as messed up as this may seem. They don't always succeed. Some people beat them time and time over. And those who don't obey the code, well...Let's just say that the guild makes damn sure that they don't stay in activity for long."

Horror dawned on the new watchwoman's face.

"But that's...

-Terrible? Horrifying? Insane as a way to take care of the city?

-Yes!

-Damn straight. But it works, though hell if I know why. Not only does it work, but currently, it's the only way even the Patrician could find that would make all the cogs of this city to click correctly.

-Takamachi..."

The one concerned answered with in the 'down-but-trying-her-damn-best-to-seem-cheerful' voice she typically used when depressed.

"Just Nanoha, if that's okay Captain.

-Nanoha. Chin up. The system may be unlawful as can be, and too deep-rooted for us to change it. But there are things we can do to change things, even a little. We can try our best. Be here for the people. Sometimes, the thief finds no one. Sometimes, there is a rock in the assassin's way and he trips. Do you understand?

-I...Think so. Even if the odds are against us, we still need to try and use all of what we can?

-Good. Let's keep moving, shall we?"

The girl nodded and the man lead the way, followed by his sisters-in-arms, both pensive albeit for different reasons. As they moved on, sounds of feud started to be heard...

When asked about the biggest Dwarf city, many mentioned something about somewhere in the Copperhead. When asked about the biggest Troll city, most people didn't have any answer to offer(9). The truth is, the answer for both is the same : Ankh-Morpork. And the issue with that is that saying that trolls and dwarves tend to butt heads would be as much an euphemism as saying that the Ankh's water is slightly polluted, or that Cut-me-own-throat dibbler is a little dishonest. The reason for that is simple. Dwarves mine. It's what they do. Meanwhile, trolls are essentially living minerals. When a troll sleeps in the mountain, and a dwarf comes...It generally ends in what we could call 'a diplomatic incident'. If diplomatic incidents included people getting murdered in their sleep with a pickaxe. Then arrive other cases of 'diplomatic incidents', if we can count revenge using massive clubs and rocks as a diplomatic incidents. And they did, as such was the diplomacy ruling troll-dwarf relationship. Such was the root of the problem(10).

Quarry lane was divided in two. On one side was a sea of dwarf, compensating for their reduced size with considerable anger and equally dangerous battleaxes. On the other side was a mass of trolls, equipped with rocks or clubs, as it was their habit to, and equally furious. But they were not fighting, as miraculous as it could seem. No, all sights were focused on the two in the center of the attroupment, the champions for their respective side. One was an extremely tall and imposing troll, his stone of dark grey hue and covered in lichen in some places. His weapon was simply a decent chunk of an oak's trunk. The other was a stout dwarf in full plate armor, holding a battle hammer of steel and cedar wood. Breaths were held as they rushed towards each other...

[Flash move]

[Protection powered]

As the feminine yet mechanical voice resounded through the air, a child stood between them, a dome of pink energy around her blocking both weapons as she clung to her spoke up with a sad voice.

"Please stop fighting. It will not solve anything.I don't want to hurt you."

The two laughed boisterously and spoke simultaneously.

"Ye're brave, shrimp. And possibly nuts. Me and the rock here need to finish this. Scram!"

"Little thing got courage. But streets be not good place for children tonight. Too many dust eaters."

There was a beat, and their interlocutor's answer.

"I'm sorry."

[Divine shooter]

Two small pink spheres darted on each side, hitting the troll and the dwarf on the side of the head. They fell to the ground, unconscious. The crowd froze, caught between terror and anger, whispering.

"Who that is?"

"Kid took down Volug Stronginthearm, just like that!"

"Took down Granite..."

"Is scary. Should run."

"She's dangerous. I say we solve the problem now."

The new member of the Watch flew back to her superiors. Angua gave her a glare.

"What the hell? Do you really want to die?

-They were fighting! They would have hurt each other!

-Angua? I'll handle this."

Carrot stepped forwards. Silence returned.

"Alright everyone. I saw lance-constable Takamachi stop a fight here. Please tell me why my new coworker had to stop a fight."

There was an embarrassed silence, like the mob was a child being scolded. Pushing his advantage, Carrot started a speech on how they were being dangerous towards themselves and one another, how their mothers would be afraid and sad that even in the cities their son would still find a way to put their lives on the line. He spoke of peace, of working together, of how citizens should be nice and responsible. It worked like a charm. Trolls and Dwarfs went home, ashamed of themselves and swearing off fighting. And the young girl looked at her captain with admiration...

"Good job, Lance-constable Nanoha. Now, never, EVER do this again. Understood?

-Okay. I'm sorry, sir. Still...Could you teach me that? It was so cool!

-I don't see why not. It's pretty simple."

The world shuddered at these words. And the patrol went on.

Five AM. The night was beginning to end, as did their shift. The lastest hours were calm, with little to no activity seen. They kept on moving, Carrot showing critical locations in the city to a more and more shifty-eyed Nanoha, who engraved as much as she could in her mind for later use : criminal hot spots, places with shelter and good view for rainy shifts, good places to eat...And Carrot being Carrot, he also gave her a more than decent insight on the Great Wahoonie's past and present. They met the girl's first zombie, a gnome pulling a cart filled with things in various states of decomposition and not much else. As they were on their way back to Pseudopolis Yard, one last incident occurred. Namely, a demon appearing in the city, just outsides of the Unseen University. It was a truely immense thing, taller than the University's building, with bat-like wings and a dark red skin, the set complete with jagged horns and claws. Typical of a demon with a great wish to be Scary (capital letter included), but lacking any sort of imagination whatsoever.

"Captain? I think I'll take care of this one...Closer to my domain than to yours."

With these words, Lance-constable Nanoha Takamachi took flight, and got herself to eye level with the creature, ready to charge a spell. Which turned out completely unnecessary, as it spoke out in a fearsome voice that made glass windows vibrate.

"What? SHE'S here? That was supposed to be my day off damn it! Screw you summoner, I'm going home!"

It opened a large gateway of energy and disappeared, its voice fading in the distance.

"Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope..."

"The hell was that about, Takamachi?

-Ano...I met this creature some times ago. He was throwing a tantrum and endangering people so I...Kind of had to cool his head off, I guess?

-What."

And it was left that way.

Meanwhile, atop Cori Celesti, the Lady and Fate(11) stared at the game board. The Lady attempted to snatch the figurine that came in the game, uninvited and undirected. And was whacked with a stick.

"No. Bad."

And finally, they were back to the headquarters. They headed directly to Vimes' office for debriefing, only to find it empty, which meant that most likely their boss had sneaked out to work outside himself. The two adults sat on the nearest chairs and jumped on the occasion to take a nap, only to be awaken ashort while later by a familiar voice...

"What exactly are you doing here, Takamachi?

-We came back from patrol and since we had to wait for your return, I tried to be useful.

-You took care of the paperwork. From your own volition."

Samuel Vimes looked at his new subordinate like she was some manner of strange beast.

"Yes! I mean, it's not the most entertaining job in the world, but one of my previous superiors had...Issues with paperwork. So I learned to take care of it, a bit."

Indeed, the desk was clean, which hadn't happened since the place became commander Vimes' office. The papers were stacked into neat piles, classed by topic and order of urgency. The old food remains had been thrown to the nearest bin, too(12). The desk's owner suddenly looked very, very interested.

"Run."

Angua's voice was barely more than a whisper, but the urgency in it was obvious. Nanoha scampered off, and sir Samuel Vimes sighed.

"Kids shouldn't know that sort of horror... Anyhow. Carrot, how did it go?*

-It was... , I say we shouldn't have any problem keeping her. Keeping her safe, on the other hand...

-She's a weirdness magnet, plain and outright. Extremely naive, and overly enthusiastic, which could easily put her in danger. On the other hands, she apparently still knows when to pull back, and she's scarily competent when faced to direct danger. A bit flashy, but effective. And damn scary, when she needs to be. As wrong as it feels to get her deployed...I have the feeling we'll be really happy to have her on our side someday soon."

(1)And boy did Angua know about the latter.

(2)To the point where his only challenger in terms of knowledge of the city was Sam Vimes, who lived in the city well over forty years more than him.(3)

(3) And even then, only with thin-soled boots.

(4)With a few unnerving exceptions.

(5)Except Sam Vimes, who was the coppest of all cops, to the point where some envision he may have been born with his armor already on. (6)

(6)And already old and dented.(7)

(7)To be fair, such speculations tended to include massive amounts of alcohol, and Vimes himself being nowhere near. Just to be safe.

(8) No one ever knew what Dibbler had managed to substitute to salt. Nor what he substitued to corn. Further informations have been classified by both the alchemist's guild and the Patrician as the Discworld's first true biohazard case.

(9)Except from the occasional speciesist who answered something along the line of "They have cities?".

(10) That and a fundamentalist reading of an old text. Funny how old, moldy books could affect PR at times...

(11)No,not THAT Fate.

(12) Which was too bad, really. The bacterias were THAT close to mastering fire! Then again... Maybe it WAS a good thing after all.

And...cut! Damn, that was a morsel to write. Funny thing is, while getting the inspiration to start it was tough, as soon as I had a starting point, this was just so easy to write. And I had tons of fun doing it. I really hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Please notify me if you have an issue with the text, be it in the spelling, grammar or even content. I need criticism! FEED MEEEEEEE!

With that said, this is PoN, we're done here.

PS : Note to those of faith, please don't take my job on moldy books too personally. I swear, it's just a joke, not an attack towards anyone.