This fic is also known as "What Am I Even Doing With My Life? What Is This?" Yeah.

Warnings include shounen-ai, grammar mistakes / errors, Nakamori being concerned and a dork, Kaito being a little shit, Shinichi being torn between amusement and horror, etc. Timeline is about ~10-11 years past the current plot, so Kaito and Shinichi are about ~26-27.

Um, hope you enjoy...? - Luna

Homewrecker

A while back, maybe about five or six years ago, Nakamori noticed something.

Something other than that idiot Hakuba's much despised (by him, at least) advances towards Aoko, which said a lot, considering how singleminded Nakamori had been about trying to force Aoko to maintain a respectable eight meter distance from the stupid blond wannabe detective at all possible times. (That failed spectacularly, although Nakamori could grudgingly admit that he certainly didn't mind being a grandfather.)

And that something was that Kid and Kudou were practically married.

Or as, at the very least, extremely flirty and suggestive and incomprehensibly domestic at times, but married was probably the most accurate description of their interaction. Nakamori wasn't sure how he would make it through another sickeningly sappy conversation about laundry or allergies or whatever.

(The laundry conversation – eight heists ago; the now-infamous Whisper Princess had been the target – had been instigated by Kudou and had been more of a tirade about how insensitive Kid was to dye Kudou's favorite shirt red and didn't he know red dye just didn't come out no matter how many times you washed it, to which Kid had replied that he was so sorry, he'd take responsibility and buy Kudou three hundred new shirts to show his sincerity. He'd also mentioned something about his dream of getting to see his darling tantei-kun in something he'd picked out finally being fulfilled, which had made Kudou go an alarming shade of pink and sputter a bit as he tripped on his way to the Whisper Princess's display, but Nakamori tried not to think about that in an attempt to not lose his respect for the man.

And the allergy conversation had been only four months ago, when Kid had tried to steal the Golden Azalea. Kudou had sneezed, and Kid had instantly demanded, worried, "Are you alright, sweetheart?" And while Kudou had initially balked, he'd eventually admitted that he was suffering from an allergic reaction to the increase in pollen around the area – spring had just come around, after all. Kid had launched into a frenzy of "What can I do to help? Do you need medication?" before Kudou had calmed him down. The whole conversation had taken place while Kid dangled from the ceiling by his ankles with the Golden Azalea in one hand, Kudou perched on the empty display case, and the task force frantically tried to find a ladder. It had not been one of Nakamori's proudest moments, to be honest.)

At first, Nakamori hadn't thought much of it. Kid had always been a flirty type, and Kudou was just the most reactive out of all the detectives who pursued him. He had been entirely prepared for their strangely comfortable and strangely domestic conversations to peter out with time.

Six years later, and he was still waiting.

It was weird, Nakamori thought disparagingly. Especially when he knew for a fact that Kudou was definitely already spoken for and had been for at least four years now, which implied that Kudou was either entirely unconcerned with appearing to have a thing with Kid or kind of a terrible person. He'd considered that he was just overthinking their relationship, but how maybe ways were there to misinterpret the frankly disturbing number of times Kid smiled (really smiled, not smirked, peered, or grinned, but smiled) at Kudou in a night?

For example, right now. Nakamori had to suppress a sigh as Kid did an impression of a sunbeam in Kudou's direction while balancing on one corner of the Diamond Goddess's display case.

"You're looking well, my lovely tantei-kun," he cooed, eliciting an unimpressed eyebrow lift from Kudou. Nakamori mentally congratulated him. Yes, yes, he wasn't supposed to respond to Kid's flirting.

"I look terrible," Kudou grumbled. Nakamori had to agree – there were dark smudges underneath his eyes, evidence of a lack of sleep, and his shirt was wrinkled, as if it had spent a day crumpled the floor before Kudou had tried to resurrect it.

Kid gasped dramatically, casually backflipping out of the way of a task force member who had tried to tackle him. He landed lightly on his feet, stepping neatly away from another officer. "Perish the thought! You are far too stunning to ever look anything less than perfect!"

"Oh my God," Kudou muttered as he took aim with his tranquilizer gun. Nakamori was almost proud of him – he wasn't swooning all over Kid like he usually did – but then Kudou went on, "And anyway, it's your fault I look like this. Keeping me up all night and then hiding my clothes in the morning – some gentleman you are," as he fired a few darts.

All feelings of pride immediately fled Nakamori's mind as he went numb.

Evading both the darts and a very frustrated officer with a graceful leap back onto the display case, Kid feigned surprise as he gasped, "Oh, is that so?" The smirk was audible in his tone while he deftly removed the glass case and picked up the Diamond Goddess. "I seem to recall you were the one who wanted to stay up all night."

Holding his face, Nakamori tried not to sob. "Kudou-kun, how could you do this," he muttered as Kudou flushed and opened his mouth, hopefully to refute Kid. He didn't get to say anything, however, before the lights abruptly went out, plunging the gallery into darkness.

Nakamori couldn't bring himself to care. He was too busy mourning.

When the lights came back on a minute or two later, both Kid and the jewel gone, Nakamori sagged against the wall. Kudou hadn't moved, still standing at the far side of the hall, but he was tucking his tranquilizer gun into his back pocket. Nakamori stared after him sorrowfully. He had really thought Kudou was a better man than that – he could only imagine what would happen when –

"Inspector Nakamori?" a familiar voice asked from behind him, sounding curious.

Starting a little, Nakamori turned to find Kuroba Kaito advancing on him, eyebrows quirked and hands in pockets. At Nakamori's loud, involuntary sob, he slanted his head to one side with bewildered concern as he came to a stop in front of the inspector. He squinted at him with slight worry. "I just came to pick Shinichi up, but… are you… okay?"

"I'm so sorry," Nakamori said, reaching forward to pull Kaito into a hug and silencing Kaito's alarmed noises with firm pats on the back. "I don't know what to tell you, but Kudou-kun is –"

"Oh, Kaito! When did you get here?"

At the sound of Kudou's voice, Nakamori froze, whirling to place himself between Kudou and Kaito. He glared fiercely at the confused detective, sweeping a now-puzzled Kaito behind him defensively. "Kudou-kun," he growled icily.

Kudou blinked, clearly startled by the venom in his voice. "Uh… hi, Inspector?" he tried, and when Nakamori's expression didn't change, he halted awkwardly a meter away, gaze sliding questioningly from Kaito to Nakamori.

"Kudou-kun," Nakamori ground out, "what, exactly, is your relationship to Kid?"

Silence descended.

Shifting uncomfortably, Shinichi rubbed at the back of his neck. "Uh," he began, slowly.

"Because," Nakamori continued, glaring explosives and bladed objects in his direction, "I seem to have heard that you spent the night with him, and I thought your husband –" at this point, he stabbed a finger in Kaito's direction, "– might like to be aware of that."

At that, Kudou made an odd choking noise, and Kaito actually laughed. Nakamori whirled on him, eyebrows lifted. "How can you laugh when your husband is having an affair?" he demanded, incensed. Adultery was never something to laugh about.

Kaito, with visible effort, managed to contain himself, swallowing down the rest of his laughter. "I appreciate your concern, really," he grinned, skirting around Nakamori to sling an arm around Kudou's shoulders, "but I can tell you that I was most definitely with Shinichi last night, so you don't have to worry about cheating."

Blinking rapidly, Nakamori began to feel very, very lost. "But earlier, Kid said –"

"Anyway," Kudou interrupted hastily. Nakamori scowled at him, but he didn't seem to care as he went on, "I wouldn't, um, worry about that. I can assure you that I have absolutely nothing going on with, ah, Kid." He elbowed Kaito sharply in the side when Kaito started inexplicably laughing once again.

"From what I've seen –" Nakamori began, his frown deepening – if they weren't in that kind of relationship, how could Kudou just trivialize all the flirting and clear warning signs? – but Kaito just waved him off dismissively.

"Don't worry, don't worry," he sang, hooking an arm through Kudou's, "it's nothing. You're imagining it." With that, he dragged Kudou off, humming tunelessly under his breath.

Nakamori stared after them forlornly. He really hoped that was it.

Later that night, Shinichi forcefully removed Kaito from where he was nuzzling at Shinichi's neck, frowning at him. "We need to tell him."

Kaito groaned, his arms slowly snaking around Shinichi's waist only for the detective to slap his hands away and don his "this is an important issue, Kaito, and therefore I will not be deterred by cuddling and/or sex" face (a face that Kaito was unfortunately familiar with).

Knowing defeat when he saw it, Kaito sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Can we do this some other time?" he implored, fingertips gently playing over the angles of Shinichi's elbows.

"No," Shinichi half-shrieked, swatting at Kaito and struggling into a sitting position. The sheets pooled in his lap, baring his entirely too distracting torso. Kaito had to force himself to meet Shinichi's gaze. "Kaito, your best friend's dad, who's practically your surrogate father, thinks I'm cheating on you with you!" His voice had gotten a bit shrill by the end of his sentence. "This is a problem."

"Well," Kaito mumbled, a little sulkily as he sat back on his haunches. "I mean, we could, but what if he put me in jail?"

"Please," Shinichi said, rolling his eyes so hard Kaito was amazed he didn't break anything. "He wouldn't do that now. It's been, what, ten years since you first started out? He's mellowed out since those days." He exhaled hard. "Please. Anything to get him to stop looking at me with those you don't deserve him, homewrecker eyes."

Kaito shrugged, and when Shinichi didn't protest, dropped a kiss on the corner of the mouth. "Okay, okay. We can do that," he soothed, and then he was back to mapping out the planes of Shinichi's chest.

"It's kind of funny, though," he remarked a few minutes later, when Shinichi was appropriately breathless.

"What?" the detective managed through a gasp, hands still clutching at Kaito's face, and Kaito leered lasciviously at him.

"That he thinks you're cheating on me with me. God, you just can't get enough of me, can you?"

And that was how Kaito ended up sleeping on the couch for a week.

This went in such a strange direction. To be honest, I wasn't sure where I was going with it when I first started writing, but all the same.

Hope you enjoyed this fic even a little (if you did, please consider dropping me a review!) and I'll see you all soon! Ciao, my sweethearts! - Luna