Prompt: Roxlin + "I almost lost you"

Torture was in her job description. Even during training and the long extensive "interview" Roxy had known what she was getting herself into. The twists of espionage, the cold exterior of assassinations, and the detached nature of seducing someone she had no feelings for...it was all pieces to the bigger picture. She had no qualms with what had been done to her for the sake of a mission, for overall the reward would be saving people. That was always her focus.

Except now. The big picture is as elusive as Merlin had been for the past thirteen days, six hours and twenty-three, no twenty-four minutes. Her focus on Kingsman is shot. Now all she can see is the dark half-circles under Merlin's eyes, the unsteady rhythm of his heartbeat, the black and blue and red covering him. He is pale, at least paler than when she had last seen him nearly two week in captivity, tortured for a way into Kingsman...nearly killed for a chance to get at them-to get at her.

Tears well up, and Roxy frowns hard as she looks at her hands. She keeps the waterworks back, determined to not lose it now. Two weeks of nearly every night going home to their bed, to the cold empty silk sheets that had never felt so uncomfortable in her life. Their home stretched out around her, as foreign as another planet. The shaky breaths she would draw, completely sure that the next one would seen her spiraling. Roxy had kept watch on the clock, afraid to lose any time to tears and desperation because Merlin needed her to be together now. She had to be the one who was composed now.

The rescue was easier than those nights. A gun was a steady and familiar weight in her hands, fury lighting up her veins made it a breeze to destroy every obstacle between her and Merlin. At one point, Eggsy had to stop her from killing one of the men, convincing her that they would need him alive to get to Merlin. He had been right, but it hadn't stopped Roxy from two bullets in the back of his skull the moment they were clear of the door.

Medical had been on stand-by, coming in at full pace to start tending to Merlin's wounds. Roxy paced behind them, keeping her eyes on the perimeter, on the slowly bleeding out body of the leader. She watched the puddle of blood grow out around him, and did not think about the blood leaving Merlin at that moment.

The stubborn man coded twice on the way to the jet. Once there in that filthy room, medics straining to pull him back then again in the helicopter on their way to the airstrip.

Once they were in the air the medics had him stabilized for the most part. His heart rhythm was leaning more towards v-fib for their liking but no one was concerned yet. She absorbed everything they could tell her about his condition, about they had done to him. Had he not been rescued, Merlin would never have survived the day.

She tries to put it from her mind, the phrase of 'would not have survived the day', but it circles, in her brain, unable to be shook loose. The tone and inflection of the medic's voices seems to stick it to her mind's walls and no matter how much she tries to cover it up with other thoughts, it bleeds through.

The medics have slipped into seats further back, both with their eyes on Merlin's monitor but giving her the space she needs. Eggsy sits with the pilot, knowing better than to crowd her right now, and she wonders if he has told the medics similar. They are over the Mediterranean Sea when he wakes, eyes glossy and out of focus but open. It takes a bit, he slips in and out, sometimes muttering nonsense, others saying clearly her name. Each time Roxy feels like she's being punched in the gut. The pain will pass but he comes around again.

Her hands shake as she waits, the closer they get to home the harder they tremble. Tears that hadn't seemed so prevalent come back with a force the first time he says her name like a benediction. She keeps them back, squeezing her left hand in her right tight enough that a knuckle cracks.

By the time he wakes enough to focus on her, they are about twenty minutes from landing. He smiles, reaching up to remove his oxygen mask from his face.

"No, it has to be on," she says, not sure how to put it right again before he takes her shaking hands in his. They are warm, almost warmer than she had thought they'd be. With his free hand, he pulls the mask to the side.

"It's good to see you," he whispers, pressing a kiss to her hands, which she gives up trying to get the tremor back under control.

His touch becomes too much after a moment, and she pulls her hand away, squeezing them together again as her legs starts to bounce up and down on the movement of her foot. She breathes out hard again, forehead furrowing as she wipes away the stray tear that isn't listening to her. No crying now, she tells herself. Merlin needs her to be together, he needs her to be the calm voice now.

"Darling," he says, voice cracking in the exact same way she feels. She shakes her head, looking away, trying focus on the tan-beige coloring of the ceiling of the jet.

"I almost lost you," she says, shaking her head again. Tears are leaking one at a time and she feels that maybe she can still keep it together.

"Roxy." He leans up with a whimper, the medics make some noise behind them, but Roxy is there quicker, easing him back down.

"No! You can't move-I-I almost lost you!" she cries. The next breath goes deep, shaking her the whole way through her lungs and when she lets it out, it comes out as one rush of air and shatters her control.

"I almost lost you," she says. Quick sharp breaths to fills her lung but never feel enough to get the air she needs.

Merlin hushes her, hand coming to rest on her hair, braided back to keep out of her face. She wants to pull away, run to the bathroom and get herself together in private where no one will see a Kingsman break down like this. His hand is stronger than she thinks and as the wracking sobs overtake her, she realizes that she is weaker than she thought.

Until they land, Merlin keeps her pressed to his neck. He runs his hand over her braid, trying to console her and ignores the flare of pain when she shudders in breath enough to cry more. Given the choice he knows he would do it all again if it kept her safe.